All comics by Hatrix

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Personal Jesus, would you accompany me to mass this morning?
Ooooo no. Sorry. I'm an atheist.
by Hatrix, 9-15-07

 

by Hatrix
9-15-07
Destroy them!
Are you sure?
I'm sure.
Is this the only way they'll cover the surgery?
This or something involving a wolverine.

 

by Hatrix
9-15-07
http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/ WeirdNews/2007/09/14/4496326-sun.html
Did you hear about the "giant penis" auction that was pulled from Ebay?
Giant penis?
Yeah it was a sculpture created for an AIDS conference.
Why was the auction pulled?
It was offensive to dicks.
Penis envy!

 

by Hatrix
9-16-07

 

by Hatrix
9-16-07

 

by Hatrix
9-16-07

 

by Hatrix
9-16-07
Morning Bitch fairy.
Morning Dave.
Morning Bitch fairy.
Hey Sandy.
Morning Bitch fairy.
FUCK you Melvin you creepy ass son of a whore! I avoid your desk for a REASON asshole!

 

by Hatrix
9-16-07
Where the hell is Cooper? Why the fuck is it whenever something goes kaBLAM that mutherfucker is NOwhere to be found? You find that slimy jackass and bring his carcass to me NOW!DEAD or ALIVE!
She'll see you now.

 

by Hatrix
9-16-07
Y'know Dex, I'm beginning to think you brought me here to dump me and if you think you're gonna humiliate me that way YOU CAN JUST...
Hemophilia man is a total asshole.
*cough gurgle choke*
I love doin' that.

 

by Hatrix
9-17-07
Who can tell me what hideous diseases infect this horrible sexual deviant, class?
Is it PAC MAN Fever?
YES!
But why'd you call him a sexual deviant?
Because he only plays with the joystick up his ass.
Love that rumble pack.

 

by Hatrix
9-19-07
Arrrr!
Avast ye scurvy dogs! Look lively! It be Talk Like A Pirate Day!
Arrr!
ARRR Me hearty what kind of pirate do YE be?
Butt pirate!

 

by Hatrix
9-19-07
I'm doin' it. I'm goin up on the counter. Tv's on. No sounds from the hall. It's stealth ninja go time!
*unnaturally loud CLINK of illicitly touched silverware*
*thump thump THUMP THUMP*
Oh sweet merciful CRAP here they come! WHY are there forks on the counter don't you people ever do dishes? DAMN! Where am I gonna hide this time??
Guess who's not getting TUNA this Friday, Cat?

 

by Hatrix
9-25-07
Sir I think there's something wrong with the new Men's room...could you come in here a moment?
This doesn't seem right.
Whaddya mean? The big one is for guys with a wide stance...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And that one's for uh... republican senate meetings!

 

by Hatrix
9-25-07
Hi.
You're so cute you follow me everywh... Hey! what are you doing?!!
ahhhhhhh relief.
I can't BELIEVE you are PISSING ON THE BATHMAT RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!!!
This is how she lets me know her crap box needs attention.
You motherfucking hairball! *SIGH* At least it wasn't in the laundry basket this time.

 

by Hatrix
9-25-07
Prrrrrrrrrrrrr. Hey human... remember when you found me as a skinny, starving, sick kitten and through the goodness of your heart you took me in and nursed me back to health & loved & raised me?
Awww you sure are affectionate tonight.
Purrrrrrrrr. You love me and think I'm the cutest thing ever right? Good don't forget it.
Someone sure is being friendly. Why all the love little furry buddy?
The amount of affection given is directly proportional to the amount of shit she's caused.
'cause I tore open the garbage to get that porkchop bone you said I couldn't have and then barfed up the resulting stomach problems onto your pillow.
I'll bet I'm going to find out aren't I?

 

by Hatrix
9-26-07
Hi I'm home....
"Honey why in the HELL did you just shoot the TV?"
Sorry. I saw Anne Coulter and couldn't stop myself.

 

by Hatrix
9-26-07
Welcome to Boffo Burger can I take your order?
Aren't you supposed to say "How can I HOP you today?" he he he
o.n.l.y.i.f.y.o.u.w.a.n.t. m.e.t.o.k.i.l.l.y.o.u. w.i.t.h.a.s.p.o.r.k... ssssiirrrrrrrrr.
never mind then.

 

by Hatrix
9-27-07
Hmmm... too believable.....
Too smart,............. Too attractive,....
No luck on finding a debate opponent yet shrubbie. Here have another banana.
Oooo tanks unca dicky!

 

by Hatrix
9-30-07
One day at the dorm...
I'm just going to leave my mop leaning harmlessly against this bannister at the bottom of these stairs while I take a break.
Slightly later at the top of the same very tall staircase...
Hey lets see how fast I can slide down this bannister! Time me!
This really happened.
Oh DAMN!
Yeah. So that's why everyone calls him "Screamin' Steve" now.

 

by Hatrix
9-30-07
School Library, Just before lunch...
Good Morning Mrs.Halfowitz can I do something for you?
Yeah I'm bringing my Gr.4 class in after lunch. I didn't schedule it and I know you're booked but if I do it this way they go to gym afterward and I can avoid having to teach this afternoon.
What Actually Happens...
Sure. No problem. I'm certain we can work something out for everyone.
Yup. You do that.
What I Fantasize During My Stress Induced Psychotic Break...
Eat shit and die you miserable selfish lazy backstabbing whore!
Aaaaaaa!!! I've burst into flames AAARGHhhhhgurgle.

 

by Hatrix
9-30-07
Well I made it. I hitched 4000 miles just to have this moment at your graveside.
We had our differences but I knew I'd never have closure until I was able to give you this goodbye.
Ahhhhhhh.

 

by Hatrix
10-04-07
You teachers are so lucky! Two months off with pay! All the holidays! Union benefits. Health care and respect. Damn!
Actually I'm the librarian. And I'm not allowed in their union so I don't get benefits. But I am forced to use their healthcare provider. I'm single and my fees are higher than a family of four.
Right now I cover three schools but I'm paid for one job which is about a third of what a teacher makes anyway. I work 10 months but the pay is spread over 12. Sick days and holidays are unpaid.
I'm the only library staff for 3 schools with no budget. My supervisor hates my guts and the only time I hear from anyone is when they've got a complaint.
I always hated the school librarian. She was a bitch.
Fuck you too.

 

by Hatrix
10-04-07
January 21st, 2009 Somewhere in Texas...
Doo de doo doo doodee dooo
MOTHERFUCKER!! *stabbity stab stabbity*
Aaaarrrgggggggh!
You're damn right I did it. So what'll the charges be?
I was going to ticket you for littering but you've already done us a public service. You're free to go.

 

I could really use a handjob.
I always get the tentacle freaks.
by Hatrix, 10-04-07

 

by Hatrix
10-04-07
Is there anything I could do that would make you NOT blast me with that hose right now?
I could really use a hand job.
This discount therapy isn't the bargin I imagined it would be.

 
by Hatrix, 10-10-07

 

Excuse me sir did you happen to witness anything unusual today?
by Hatrix, 10-12-07

 

by Hatrix
10-13-07
I..
Where am I? Who are you? Oh god. No wait... Don't speak. I don't think I can deal with any of this! I slept with a guy? Was I that drunk?!?!
Oh god...this couldn't possibly get any worse.
I'm your father.
Where did I put my gun?

 

by Hatrix
10-23-07
10:15am
2:30pm
6:30pm
Maybe tomorrow.

 

by Hatrix
11-22-07
Do you think you should let the kids harass my cat like that dear?
I dunno. Shouldn't you be watching the stove? Or are we going with chinese take out again this year?
There! The tree is up. After this we'll put up the nativity scene. I hate when people say 'happy holidays' it's anti-christmas don't you agree dear?
I'm an atheist gramma.
Damn darlin'. You sure filled out din't cha? Phewww! That's hawt! he he he.
You're a creep uncle frank.

 

by Hatrix
11-25-07
Get out of the car NOW!
Who says black friday shopping sucks? I've made record time!

 

by Hatrix
12-24-07
Have I ever mentioned how much I love Stripcreator? I mean how great is it to be able to make my own comic strips about anything I want!
Yup.
And there are so many really funny people there! I love reading Stripcreator too.
Yup. So is there a joke at the end of all this?
Merry Xmas Everybody!
Nope. This one is sincere.
Ok. A little boring but you get points for the sentiment.

 

by Hatrix
2-14-08
Hey! I get it! You wanted to meet here tonight because this is where we met one year ago right after my girlfriend dumped me. That's so sweet of you!
Yeah...
Yeah it took me a looooooong time to realize she wasn't coming back.
Yeah! he he...um I've uh got to feed the meter
When did she get a car?

 

by Hatrix
2-14-08
I'm about to die for gazing on the king's daughter. Could you at least bring her this last love note from me?
Sure thing man.
Later that day after the execution...
Yeah so I knew you'd be feeling sad today so I wrote you this poem...
How sweet!

 

by Hatrix
2-14-08
Hey Smith, what'd you get for valentine's day?
Dear john letter with divorce papers attached. How about you?
She's been fucking my brother and wants to start a new life so she sold everything and emptied the bank account. They're moving to Hawaii.
That's almost as bad as Kawolski's.
What's his damage?
His current wife left him for his ex wife.

 

by Hatrix
2-14-08
Happy Vday babe. Be my valentine.
Thanks.
That's it? 'Thanks'?
Red, for a week we barely talk except to argue and you think handing me a heart shaped box of waxy chocolates is going to make me fall into your arms with lust?
Well when you put it that way it sounds stupid.
I'm going to get drunk.

 

by Hatrix
2-14-08
Uh Hey hon! What a surprise. What brings you to the office?
I'm leaving you.
Wha... What?
I wanted to be sure to humiliate you at your permenant entry level cube farm position on my way out of your pathetic life.
But it's valentine's day.
I know! That's what makes this so funny!

 

by Hatrix
2-21-08
HEY HOMIE CAN I SCORE SOME CRACK IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD?
Why are you yelling?
I'VE NEVER BOUGHT CRACK BEFORE!
I never would have guessed.
WHICH ONE OF MY CREDIT CARDS DO YOU WANT?
All of them.

 

by Hatrix
2-21-08
Ok so you follow the green line toward the bright light m'kay? I gotta run Mr. Shepard.
What? Mr. Who?
You're not Greg Morris Shepard Jr.?
No! My name is Alan Bronson I'm Greg's roommate!
Whoops. My bad.
You know what's really sad? This is pretty much what I expected.

 

by Hatrix
2-27-08
Y din't yew peepul fix mah cumputer?
That 10 year old piece of crap? It's covered in crud and full of dead roaches.
But...
There's no way in hell I'm touching that thing. And there's a $20 detox charge just for bringing it to my store.
So what the hell am I supposed to do?
Take it to staples.

 

by Hatrix
2-27-08
Hi. I want to get online. My daughter tells me I need a network kit or card or something.
Sure thing we can fix you right up!
Later that day...
Hi again. I'm having a lot of trouble trying to get online with my new network card.
Well if you want to bring it and your computer in we can set it up for you for free.
...true story...
Oh. You mean I need a computer too?

 

by Hatrix
2-27-08
Blargity howl moan bitch crab whine complain wah! My computer!?!?! blarg howl bitch bitchity bitch moan bitch!
Fine but if I drop everything to work on your machine first I'm charging you premium rate plus AHT. Altogether it'll be $$$. Do you still want me to do that?
Uh. Um. No. Tomorrow will be fine.
That's what I thought.
Hey Red what's an AHT?
Asshole tax.

 

by Hatrix
3-07-08
All the years of internet addiction are catching up to me. My vision is actually starting to go bad.
Surely you're going to DO something about that right?
Of course!
Glad to hear it.
I'll need a better monitor.

 

by Hatrix
3-10-08
Well it's official ladies and gents, the Institute for Knowing About These Things says that as of now everything can kill you.
That's right, no more worrying about what causes a disease, scientists now say that absolutely everything in our environment is deadly to us.
Upon hearing the dire news the president held an emergency press conference to say...
Heh everythin's fine. Now watch me dance!

 

It was a freak egg coloring accident and I don't want to talk about it.
by Hatrix, 3-22-08

 

by Hatrix
4-10-08
Mew Meow Meeeow! Mewwww! Meeeeow! MEEEEOW! MEW MEW MEEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!
I know, I'll make a new pair of shoes! Out of CAT SKIN!
He's still pissed about the gym bag? That was yesterday for christs sake!

 

by Hatrix
4-13-08
My god woman are you half sasquatch? You need to shave those legs!
That's not MY hair you moron. I just got out of the shower and the cat rubbed against my legs.
Oh. Well...
We need to shave that cat!

 

by Hatrix
4-13-08
WTF are we?
We're what happens when you press the "randcom comic layout" button...
... simply because you LOATHE looking at those two obnoxious hypercephalic troglodytes used as the default characters for every strip.
Oh.
Yeah.

 

by Hatrix
4-14-08
I'm not sure I can accept your excuse for being out sick all last week, Stan.
Plllllllllaaaaabbbbbbbbptptptptptptptptpt ptptpbbbbbbBBBBBBBLALALALALALA BLABLBBBBBBLLLARRRRGggggggggg ffffffffssssssssssss...st..st..st..plaghplagh ...Fffft. Drip. Drip. Drip.
Violent explosive bloody diarrhea you say.

 

by Hatrix
4-15-08
So I said "Fuck you bitch" and she said "You're not going to get away with that mister!"
I said "You ignorant whore if you had any REAL talent you'd have a REAL job!" she screamed something at me and started throwing shit at my head.
Anyway she's under arrest for assault and I'm suspended for three days. It's all there in the letter from the principal.
Dear Scumbag Breeder,

Showing page 6.

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