All comics by Injokester

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by Injokester
1-27-06
Always check the bins outside KFC for refresher towelettes, if you're going to 'flop it out' on a bus, at least clean it first.
Talk to the pidgeons, they're willing to listen.
If you pick up a baby from a stroller while the mother is distracted, she will have some spare change.

 

by Injokester
1-29-06
If ever I was going to kill someone I'd take them parachuting.
Then when they pull the cord out pops a dead hooker.
I think it's less cruel because they'd have something to do on the way down.

 

by Injokester
1-29-06
Well the doctor said he can't do much about the rash I have 'down below'.
He did suggest I construct my next girlfriend from something other than poison ivy.

 

by Injokester
2-01-06
So my girlfriend's been cheating on me with our 480lbs mailman.
He has shoulder hair so long it peeks out of his shirt and he reeks of cheap cigars and wet dog.
I guess opposites don't attract.

 

by Injokester
2-01-06
I'm constantly amazed at how useful something like manure can be. Just to think; poop can be used to make things grow.
Amazing.
Unfortunately the judge felt that's all it should be used for.

 

by Injokester
2-01-06
Someone told me you can spice up your brew by adding things to your coffee grinder, like mint leaves or cinnamon.
Mouse flavour kinda sucked.

 

by Injokester
2-01-06
I hate balloons.
Way too tight on the cock.

 

by Injokester
2-02-06
Those little toddler pools suck. They're way too shallow.
I had to stomp on the bag of kittens for an hour to get them all under the water.

 

by Injokester
2-05-06
Dude, you just gotta check out this "America" place!
Great food, great music.
And if you get plastered and march into their capital with an army of robots then fry their president with a ray-gun they cover it up for you!
Sweeet.

 

by Injokester
2-06-06
So my girlfriend went berserk and left me.
Personally I thought jalapeño condoms were a great idea.

 

by Injokester
2-06-06
People often ask me how I get my hair so soft.
Cat semen.
No idea if it does anything.

 

by Injokester
2-06-06
I've never believed it's impossible to travel faster than light speed.
After all I proved everyone wrong about turning a dead possum inside out using an air compressor.
The trick's finding a fresh one.

 

by Injokester
2-06-06
Man, cats are stupid.
I licked myself for an hour and I'm still not clean.

 

by Injokester
2-06-06
So valentines day didn't go too well. We decided to make our presents this year.
It turns out that placenta art is only appropriate if she's into that sort of thing.
And it's her own placenta.

 

by Injokester
2-06-06
When I was a kid we had trapdoor spiders in our yard. Dad would pour petrol down the hole and light it, then the spider would come out on fire and run around.
Works with mice too.
Petstore wasn't happy.

 

by Injokester
2-06-06
I'm sorry James, but things just aren't working out. Here, take the ring back.
No, you keep the ring.
Are you sure?
Yes. It's not like I can return it now, you've been wearing it for 2 months.
Well, if you insist...
I want the 8 grand back.

 

by Injokester
2-07-06
Something must have gone awry with the space time disrupter! The distortions have blown a hole in the side of the plane.
This isn't the show, Will. We're in serious trouble.
Silence! I am your captain!
What's your analysis spock?
As best as I can figure, someone told the pilots William Shatner was on the plane, and they decided to do the world a service.

 

by Injokester
2-07-06
Fine!
Fine!
You shouldn't have used me as a ball.
Then you shouldn't have used my ball as a sex doll.

 

by Injokester
2-07-06
Well the doctor refused to sew my fingers back on.
He said anyone stupid enough to mutilate themselves on a dare from a pigeon deserves what they get.

 

by Injokester
2-07-06
I'm starting to think that if I was rendered better this wouldn't happen.

 

by Injokester
2-08-06
I hate using the lawnmower. Every time I do I run over rocks, and shred my legs.
Maybe I should leave the lizards alone.

 

by Injokester
2-09-06
Well my girlfriend shot me down and said she didn't want to get married.
Maybe I should have done the ring in the champagne thing.
Instead of the prostate exam thing.

 

by Injokester
2-09-06
Well it does sound logical, but I still have my doubts.
Are you sure I'll cum harder than I ever have before?

 

by Injokester
2-09-06
Well gosh darn talkei-chess 3000, of course I can beat you, I'm the smartest man in the world!
I'm over here.
Who said that?

 

by Injokester
2-09-06
So it turns out it wasn't a wart after all.
Apparently the clitoris isn't as hard to locate as I believed.

 

by Injokester
2-10-06
Dear Geoff, please look after my Giant squid while I'm away. Make sure to feed him daily,
And don't let anyone near him that could be from an aquarium, zoo or that might work in the seafood industry.
P.S. Remember he has ink, so if you put your cock in his beak even once I'll know.

 

by Injokester
2-10-06
Well I'm off to adopt a baby.
The hell you want a baby for? You can't afford another kid.
Nah, I know that.
I'm gonna feed it to the other 5.

 

by Injokester
2-10-06
We meet again, at last. The circle is now complete. When I met you I was but the learner. Now, I am the master.
Hello Talkie-Chess 800.
So Talkie-Chess 3000, on the honor of our forefathers I challenge you! We shall settle this in the time honored way of chessboards the world over.
1, 2, 3 Not it!
Dammit.
Right, so first I punch you in the face, then you punch me in the face, last board standing is the winner!

 

Alright, according to my science teacher if we water you every day you should grow.
by Injokester, 2-10-06

 

by Injokester
2-11-06
Get him! Kick him! Bite that little bastard! Show no mercy!
I gotta say, the new "one present per household" rule is even more entertaining than I thought!

 

by Injokester
2-11-06
Alright you zombie bastard, all the food's gone and I have no choice.
Now give me the arm. Nice and slow.
I don't want any trouble.

 

by Injokester
2-11-06
So why are you doing this movie?
I want to be like James Caan!
You mean old and fat?
No, a young James Caan. Cool and popular.
I like your chances better of getting old and fat.

 

by Injokester
2-11-06
Welcome to DodgyPhone, how can I assist you?
My mobile phone doesn't have any coverage at the moment. I'm on the Gold Coast.
Yes, we have a known problem there caused by weather interference from the current storms.
Well when will you have it fixed?
We'll get right on that. As soon as our technicians can move the clouds out over the ocean your service will be back to normal.
Well, when will that be?

 

by Injokester
2-14-06
So I got engaged yesterday.
I guess this means no more three-ways with my girlfriend's parents.

 

by Injokester
2-14-06
I just found out that there are different editions of the Kama Sutra, ranging from beginners to experts.
Now I just need to work out which edition will tell me the romantic way to pee on a girl.

 

by Injokester
2-15-06
Before I got rich I used to rent out playstation games. Looking back I think that's rather pathetic.
Now I rent women.

 

by Injokester
2-15-06
So my fiance broke things off. She said she didn't like me waking her up to satisfy my bizarre sexual urges.
I wasn't even doing anything sexual!
Just marking her as my territory.

 

by Injokester
2-16-06
I thought of a joke today. What's the difference between a hooker and a blow up sex doll?
You can still screw a hooker after stabbing her repeatedly.

 

by Injokester
2-19-06
It says here your temperature is normal. Are you sure you feel flushed?
Yep. Better check again.
Still the same. I don't think there's anything wrong with you.
I'm not convinced, you'd better check again.
Why don't you just go to the brothel three doors down?
It's not covered by my insurance.

 

by Injokester
2-21-06
Alright Mr Vigoda, we've got your DNA sample.
So if you'll kindly step into the cryo-stasis booth,
We'll have your clone ready in 2-3 weeks, kill it publicly, then you can re-emerge from the dead again and boost your career!

 

by Injokester
2-22-06
Today I set up a pyramid of cards to fall over, knock down a line of dominos, tip a little ball down a ramp that would set off a balloon to tip over a candle,
which would burn some string, so a cage would open and release a wind-up car, the car would then run into a horse's testicles so the horse would kick a hooker.
The cards weren't heavy enough to set off the dominos though, so I had to kick her myself. I felt pretty stupid.

 

by Injokester
2-28-06
So how long do you think it'll take to build up enough feedback to blow up the world.
I'm not sure. Just be patient.

 

by Injokester
3-05-06
I saw my doctor and it turns out I have crabs.
That's good news I guess.
How is that good news?
I had sex with your beard while you were napping!

 

by Injokester
3-08-06
I took my holiday in China this year so I could try cat meat. I was rather disappointed.
I was hoping they'd have them in a tank and you could pick which one you wanted.

 

by Injokester
3-11-06
Zombie movies suck. What moron nails boards over the doors and windows? It's obvious they'll just slip out. Screws! Screws are where it's at.
Although now I am kinda locked out of my pantry.

 

by Injokester
3-11-06
What's the deal Jesus? Why is heaven so boring?
Just be patient my son.
What are we waiti...
THERE! THERE! LOOK! IT'S A SEAGULL!
That's it?
Yep. God seems to think that not being on fire is reward enough. Give it a millennia and you won't even miss TV.

 

by Injokester
3-11-06
Forrest Gump really was a moron. I'm going to die out here.

 

by Injokester
3-11-06
While it is a good idea, always try to be subtle when you eat the mice at the pet store.
Mug the other bums. You won't get much, but you can do it right in front of the police and they won't care.
Or if they do care, make sure you get a cut of any winning bets.

 

by Injokester
3-13-06
I say we kick the door open and just start swinging!
Ha ha, Chen will never see it coming!
I meant the front door.
That's a stupid idea.
But we need food.
Why else do you think I brought Chen?

 

by Injokester
3-13-06
I'm thinking maybe I should have burned the bodies outside.

Showing page 6.

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