All comics by Kevin_Keegans_Perm

 

Look , ok , i spawned with your wife Harv. Im sorry , but she led me on
Her flipper was all over me man. I was shedding scales like a motherfucker
I hope this doesnt mean im off the bowling team

 

And yeh , i admit it. Im the one who ate your pet amoeba
I swear , it was like a scene from that movie man. I wasnt in control of my own thoughts.
You know , like that sea bass in "A Human called Wanda"

 

Aww shit. Who am i kidding. He really did get caught this time. Poor bastard.
Still , at least i can go home and spawn with his wife now. And ive still got his plankton collection... heh.
Shit
Oh no Motherfucker. You aint getting off that easy.

 

Ill teach you to spawn with my wife motherfucker
Hey , its not MY fault you cant care for her like a REAL fish. She has needs you know.
Shes gonna need a new pair of gills after i get finished slapping that bitch.

 

Alright Baby. Papa's comin home , and hes gotta brand new bag .....
Get your ass back here bitch. Im not finished with you.

 

Ladies and Gentlemen. Today , id like to tell you a story. A story which brings fear to the hearts of even the harshest moderator.
In the olden days , the mere mention of his name , was enough to send Mods running to Messiah and Mer , begging for protection. His spam was the stuff of legend.
I give to you , the Ballad of JBOY.

 

The story begins in the small town of Kirkmuirhill.
Oh he looks angelic Mrs Baxter. And what are you going to call him.
I think ill call him J ..... J .....J ....ARGH!
Mrs Baxter , are you alright?
*groan*
Some say she had a vision of the evil to come that day.
When i grow up , ill be famous.

 

Obijo , seriously , what the fuck are you doing?
Well , ive come up with an incredibly ironic and well thought out way to judge this contest.
And how is that exactly?
Well , im going to live the rest of my life , and on my deathbed , im going to see which comic came closest to mimicking my life.
You realise if you dont judge this soon , the end of your life may be quicker than you anticipate
Pah. Those impatient hacks. What do they know about judging.

 

Perm , you cant be leaving yet. My chatbots are about to jump through flaming hoops.
Sub , i was lured to this party by some letter which promised me "10 free punches to Andy Dougan's face". Clearly thats not going to happen.
Well , why not just go sit with the other party guests and we can chat about my uber1337 w3b51t35.
Christ , you do actually talk in leetspeak.Do you have any idea how bizarre that sounds in real life?
Ive never really contemplated it.
Turn on your radio , find static , crank it up to 10 , and turn up the Sub-woofers , and youve got a good idea.

 

JEEZUS CHRIST. What is that smell.
It appears to be Deaths sandwiches. Smells like 3000 years of rotting corpses.
Are you thinking what im thinking?
Yep. Theres only one thing that smells as bad as that ...........
You dont mean .....
Yep. Its The Bread of the Dead.

 

Ill just fill up my gas tank, grab a snickers , and head back onto I-95
*BANG*
*Urgh*
JUST DRIVE THE FUCKING VAN. I BAGGED ANOTHER ONE! WOOHOO , IM GONNA BE BIGGER THAN BUNDY!
*thud*

 

Bugs , what the fuck are we doing on Stripcreator? I mean , i know Chuck is dead and all , but ..
Look Daffy , i said when Chuck died id get us a new artist , and hed get us into the higher echelons of animation , and its working ..
Bugs you cloth eared cunt. Toy Story took over $200 million , had a sequel , and we havent worked since Space Jam
Hey , i know times are hard , but itll get better. Im working on a new movie right now , based on an old Nintendo classic.
Dont you fucking dare .....
I just have to work out who to get to play the bloodhound ...

 

Im getting sick of this Bugs. Im struggling to pay the mortgage now. Those loony tune reruns dont bring in the cash they used to.
Yeh. I remember when we used to be able to drop rocks on Elmer 20 times a day and get paid our weight in carrots.
Yep. I remember once , between scenes , i caught Elmer naked in the shower. I tell you , that man is well hung.
Yup. Hes doing porn now with former baywatch stars. Its freaky stuff to watch though.
Because his head is twice the size of the rest of his body?
No , because his head and his dick are proportional .....

 

Hey , i heard from Yosemite Sam yesterday. You know hes going for a Governership in Texas?
Him , in control of a fiscal budget? Heck , thats the dumbest thing i think ive ever heard.
Well , hes standing on a platform of penal reform based on swifter sentencing by Judges.
How does he plan on getting that to work.
Hes going to allow the Judges to shoot defendants if they deem them as "Pesky Varmints"
Well , it makes more sense than the axis of evil thing i suppose ....

 

Hey , what the fuck are you doing in this comic. This is a Loony Tunes comic. There were never cows in our cartoons.
Thats why im here Daffy. Im making a stance for Bovines in Animated series. We cows have been oppressed by animators for far too long.
Its because youre fat , slow , and only good for visual gags in Farrelly brothers movies.
Our brothers who have made the sacrifice in those movies have brought us back into the public eye. Their sacrifices will not be forgotten.
Also its because covering someone in milk isnt a very funny gag.
Oh right , and shouting "Meep Meep" is fucking comedy gold?

 

So what miraculous and unexpected idea have you got for a comic this time Perm?
Watch this. This is fucking unbelievable. Its the craziest shit ever.
*Squirrel and Bird noises*
And that was?
Thirty seconds without Boinky33 making a shit comic.

 

Hey Babe, wanna sleep with me?
Lemme think ....... no , why dont you go fuck skunks , Superman.
Skunks can be loving partners when properly trained. Why my skunks have licked jello from my ......
Thats more than you really needed to share. Whats your first name Yablonski?
People call me Tracy , but you can call me whenever you want.
Nobody here wants to see your dick, Tracy.

 

In his newly acquired Desert Kingdom , pondering what move his evil aqua-adversary will make next , Martin of Arabia waits ....
Whilst his evil Adversary , Colin of Atlantis , wonders why it is the water turns brown in swimming pools when you piss.
I bet its Martin's fault.

 

Eh , Gringo. What are you doing down here in Old Mexico. We dont need no stinking badges.
Badges? Oh , right , wotcha cock. Erm , im looking for the one they call "El Mariachi". Hes been a norty boy.
WE DONT NEED NO STEENKING BADGES!
Hes raped , killed , and eaten 239 people so far, and rumour has it hes even been a contestant on Iron Chef.
"The Cannibal Mariachi Child Rapist"?
No , that was Christian Slater.

 

Ahhhh. Dont kill me. Please , if you spare me, ill give you .... wait a minute , i know you , arent you?
KER-TRANS-FORM
Decepticons!
Thats right Jose. Now hand over the map to El Dorado or ill make you eat my Decepticon Love Gravy!

 

Oh here we fucking go again. Why doesnt he listen. I told him "Its too early to bring our characters in"
I mean, when he did this with Boorite, he waited until strip 14 before he started the existentialist Arguments.
I give him a homosexual robot and a matador with a map to El Dorado , and he cant find a joke .... fucking amateur.

 

Is your breath fresh? Do you have Spinach on your Teeth. Is your Deodorant strong enough.
Have you been giving oral sex to a cow. Was your last sexual partner a member of the ape family. Do you gargle with semen.
Do you have gingivitis. Do you wear too much lipstick for Oral sex , do you .......
WILL! Were never going to get this song started until you stop reminding me of last night.

 

My name is Luka
I live on the second Floor
I live upstairs from you .... yes youve probably seen me before.
At 3:30 this morning , shooting your boyfriend with a beretta. Come with me miss.

 

Dude , that is one helluva vehicle. Ive never seen anything like it.
Ya man. Dis be mah wheels. You like?
Its gone from red to blue to green to yellow to purple ... thats amazing.
Yah man. It be bangin , yah?
What make is it?
Dis me Car, mah Chameleon.

 

Dude, those two hot chicks over there, i think we should adopt a new approach when hitting on them
Such as?
Well , i could be Crockett, you could be Tubbs, and we could do the old "Miami Vice" thing.
So youll bed all the good looking chicks, and ill spend most of my life in the office getting yelled at by the chief?
Not every plan has two upsides you know.
Theres an upside coming at your head right about now ...

 

You dont have to be beatiful , to turn me on , i just need your body baby, from dusk till dawn.
Nope.
Erm , Like a Virgin , touched for the very first time , like a viiiirgin , let your heart beat , next to mine.
Nope. Get it right next time, or im issuing the ticket.
Ok , its been 18 years , ive forgotten the lyrics.
Theyre not hard Ice. You just shout "Im a Muthafucking Cop Killa" a lot.

 

Hi , im here for "Follow the White Rabbit 101"
Youre not really here you know. Its all in your mind. Now if you take the blue pill , this course will continue.
And if i take the red pill?
Youll be a battery powering a light bulb for the rest of your life.
Decisions , Decisions ....
Did i mention the big breasted chicks in tight fitting rubber?

 

So this is the matrix huh.
Yep. Everyone here is a battery , or lives in a big city underground hiding from the computers that destroyed the world as you know it.
And the chicks with big chests and rubber outfits?
They all live below ground,look like Winona Rider , and wear outfits that look like sackcloths.
I KNEW i shoulda taken "Understanding Lesbianism and your inner sexuality"
Wait until you see Dinner. Iron Chef it aint my friend.

 

So i saved the world, proved im "The one" and made Hugo Weaving explode. Now what?
What , no prophetic words , no coaxing, no crazy tactical analysis?
They havent written the fucking script for the sequel yet nigga. Whatchu want from me?

 

Hello Folks. My names Matthew Kelly , and Tonight , im going to be .......
Arrested.

 

Welcome to Stars in their Eyes Kids Edition. Tonight , we have 9yr old Timmy Gregan.
So , what are you going to do for us tonight Timmy.
Well Tonight Matthew , im going to be giving evidence to the Jury through a secure video link.

 

Hello and welcome to Stars in Their Eyes. And tell me , who are you going to be tonight?
Well Matthew , tonight , im going to be .....
Gary Glitter.

 

We must destroy Americas Nuclear arsenal before they launch it at Iraq!
Wait! How do you know about that. Are you a spy?
Yes
So why are you covered in Mints
Isnt it obvious? Im a mint spy.
And Merry Christmas to you too!

 

"Everything i Dooooo , i Do its for Yooooooooou"
Brilliant Bryan , Brilliant. I dont think ive ever heard you produce such a note perfect rendition of that song.
Well i dont know. I think i was a bit off key when i sang "All the Wayyyyy , yayyyy"
Nope. Didnt miss an octave. Theres only one thing that spoiled it for me.
And that was?
Youre Canadian.

 

Hey , you know , i had a really nice time tonight. Itd be a shame to end it so soon.
Youre right , why dont you come up to my place and we can have a drink ... what would you like?
Well , id hate to appear Boorish , but beer sounds good , and maybe a chaser or two to wash it down.
No problems. The only chaser i have though is Semen. Is that ok?
Is that one of those new Czech Alco-pops.
Far too Easy.

 

Hey baby , Whats your sign?
"Road Closed"

 

So , a comic contest based on disguises huh? Wonder where we can come up with a gag for that?
Well , i could say "Wirthling Sucks" , and then attempt to pull off that Ridiculous beard of yours.
Hey what the .... ugh .... argh ..... GET THE FUCK OFF ME YOU PSYCHO!
Good one Wirthling. Keep it up ,we can be rules compliant and seem like a funny story.
Might i remind you that im Gabe , and YOURE Wirthling?
Well that sucks.

 

Its Over Satan. Youve used sex , drugs and rock n roll to corrupt people for far too long. Now im on the comeback trail.
HAH! with what. Christianity hasnt been popular since the Crusades. Ive even instigated Holy War with the muslims. Theres nothing you can do Jesus!
Hey boys. Wanna see me finger myself live on stage whilst singing my new hit "Durrrty"? Its live on the big screen , this sunday , at your nearest Church Hall.
In retrospect , i should probably have used Fiona Apple.
Hey , we all make mistakes. Remember "Ethel Merman Sings for Satan"?

 

Fucking Hell Perm . Youve been gone for ages. You havent written a comic in over 3 months , what happened to you?
Kajun , i had an epiphany. I saw the light. I realised the demons that drove me to write shit , plegeuristic comics could be focussed onto more positive work that could benefit mankind.
So does this mean youll be writing unique , witty , thoughtful , insightful comics based on ideas which havent been covered here before?
Well , i have a great concept involving an absent minded timelord , some transforming robots , and Harry Potters less successful schoolfriends.
Yeh , that might just work.
Failing that , i have 60 episodes about an ass raping robot.

 

Hey Perm. Say , you wanna go for a quiet , romantic meal , then head off back to my place and fuck like bunnies?
I was thinking more id sit home and play CM4 for a bit , whilst beating myself up about what could have been.
Ive got a claw hammer here. I can save you the trouble.
Thats kind of you.

 

Perm , i know you put on this deep and meaningful "Im not interested" persona to impress me , but you dont need to.
Actually , im wondering whether i should play 4-4-2 or 3-5-2 , or maybe even a lone striker.
If it wasnt for the fact his pants bulge like a 10lb watermelon , id be SOOO outta here
Should i put pressure on in the midfield , play the offside trap , focus passing down the wings ... decisions decisions.

 

Perm , let me spell this out to you. I want to have sex with you multiple times this evening. No computers. No CM4. No interference.
Ok , i can live with that. Your place or mine.
Whats the difference?
At yours , we fuck like bunnies. At mine , i fuck for 30 seconds then go and brag about it on Discussion Forums.
If i threaten to tear your testicles off , will that get me 1 minute?
Yeh , like i havent heard THAT one before.

 

So , what are you thinking?
Im thinking "Hey , why are we just standing here when we could be makking out"
(KISSING!)
(KISSING!)
You know , thats a horrible pun. Youll bring down the wrath of Kaufman for that one.
Yeh , well. Its a small price to pay.

 

Ok , this is my place. This means no computers , lots of sex , and what i say goes.
Ok.
So the first thing to go is your shirt , your pants , my bra , my undewear , and my wig.
Now that sounds like a plan , ill just take off this ..... HEY WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE.
What?
Im not wearing any pants.

 

I figure that, you know , we can all live in peace and harmony now, work together as one nation under god.
Making sure we benefit mankind , and leave this planet a better place for future generations.
Oh , except France. Just bomb those fuckers.

 

*ahhh* *ahhh* *aahh* *oh God yes* *oh god Yes* *Oh God YESSSS*
*unf* *unf* *unf* *unf* *unf* *unf*
*ahhh* *ahhh* *aahh* *oh God yes* *oh god Yes* *Oh God YESSSS*
*unf* *unf* *unf* *unf* *unf* *unf* *SPLOOGE*
Dammit. I knew i shouldnt have made those stupid rules.
Just shut up and eat the biscuit.

 

Ok ... Grassy Knoll , Rifle Loaded , presidents motorcade in sight, Patsy already set. Man this is going to be easy.
And what in the name of fuck do you think youre doing?
erm , hey officer. Im a US Government operative hired to shoot pidgeons off windowledges in case they crap on the presidents motorcade.
In retrospect , saying im a CIA assassin would have been a better career move , right?
Yup.

 

STOP Godzilla. Please , do not destroy Hiroshima as you have destroyed Tokyo. I beg of you ....
GRAAAHHH!!!!!
What the fuck was that?
I dunno , but i suddenly feel like im out of a job.

 

Hey Lara7 , you know , i always thought that for an older woman, you were like , really hot.
Thanks for that Perm. Flattery will get you everywhere , even here in hell.
Cool. So , like , you wanna make out or something?
Actually , id rather go further , howabout i give you a blowjob then you take me from behind all night long? .... just lemme go freshen up first
a few decades later ....
Hey wait a minute ... hell doesnt have a little girls room!

 

in 1984 , a team of crack commandos were jailed for a crime they didnt commit
breaking out of a maximum security prison , they became soldiers for hire. If you can find them , maybe you can hire , The A-Team
Cursor , cant you find anything more contemporary to say
Hey , it looks like your trying to tell me my job. Howabout you shut the fuck up you Tron reject.

Showing page 6.

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