All comics by ladyjdotnet

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by ladyjdotnet
7-15-10
I've made the edits that you told me to make!
Great. Did you find a way to cut 10,000 words?
Well, about that... I mean, I know I really have a problem with brevity...
Admitting you have a problem is the first step, they say.
Heh, yeah. Maybe I need a 12-step program!
For you, I think it would have to be a 24-step program.

 

by ladyjdotnet
7-31-10
I've been waiting over 7 minutes for my food! This is completely unacceptable.
I'm sorry for the delay, sir. We'll have that right out to you, and I'll even throw in a free dessert.
That's not good enough! I want my meal for free.
I'd be happy to give you a free dessert.
That's it! I've had it! I'm going to post on Facebook about this place. All 2000 of my friends will see how I have been mistreated!
I'm certain that the Farmville community will be appropriately outraged, sir.

 

by ladyjdotnet
7-31-10
Hey, wanna go catch a flick tonight?
I can't. My friend Doug has a date.
How does Doug's date keep you from being able to go out?
Well, the girl he's trying to impress has never played 4-person Guitar Hero and really wants to...
...so Tommy and I agreed to be his wing band.

 

by ladyjdotnet
8-03-10
Weeeeeeeeeeeeee Ooooooooooooooo Reeerroooooooooo Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Natural disasters! Terrorist attacks! Aliens have landed!
This has been a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. This is not an actual emergency. There is no need to evacuate.
I think if you'll check my Depends, you'll find that it's too late for that.

 

by ladyjdotnet
8-25-10
My friend count just dropped again on facebook. See? there goes another!
It must be 'cause being your friend is social suicide! Ha! Oh noes! Your friends are dropping like flies! I could be next!
It's pretty much a given at this point.
We're still just talking about facebook though, right? ...Right?
...Right?

 

by ladyjdotnet
8-26-10
I'll just help myself to this jewelry, and these candlesticks, and... why do I suddenly feel like there's a bowling ball in my head? Ugh.
*ahem*
My eyes, they're swelling up! I'm having trouble breathing! I feel... so weak...
Didn't you see the sign that said "Beware of Attack Cat?"
I thought... *gasp* it was a *cough* joke!
Nope. That was my patented "Allergy Attack." If you had defended against that successfully, I would have used my soporific "Sonic Purr" to put you to sleep until the police got here.

 

by ladyjdotnet
10-07-10
I just heard back from the doctor's office. I'm falling apart at the seams!
Oh?
For all intents and purposes, I'm held together at this point with cunning use of twine and scotch tape.
Oh, come on! Let's try to get some perspective and be realistic.
Duct tape would be way more cunning.

 

by ladyjdotnet
10-07-10
Thank you for letting me interview you for my career day report.
No problem! I love being a mail carrier! I love everything about it!
Like what?
The sounds! The sights! Even the smells! The post office smells like commitment! It smells like dedication!
It smells like duty?
That's it! Interview's over. God, I hate this job.

 

by ladyjdotnet
10-08-10
I heard some really bad words today that I am not supposed to say! I heard the S word!
The S word? Hmmm, you can tell it to me if you promise not to say it again.
The S word is "STUPID!" I also heard the C word!
That IS a bad word. You're right. You shouldn't say that word. What's the C word?
It's "cunt," stupid.

 

by ladyjdotnet
2-22-11
I thought you had stopped painting a few years ago!
I was on some medication. It made the voices stop telling me to do things, but it also made my creativity dry right up.
Then where did you find the inspiration to create 10 new pieces for this show?
That's not paint on you, is it.

 

by ladyjdotnet
2-22-11
Being the only Jew in town can be tough. No one else celebrates the same holidays, and people just look puzzled when I use Yiddish phrases.
But that's not such a big deal. The part that really bugs me is that when I'm sick...
...I have to make my own freakin' matzo ball soup.

 

by ladyjdotnet
2-24-11
I was having the oddest dream.
Stay up all night and drink plenty of solids!
Everything was backwards and weird.
Have you accepted Beelzebub as your personal saviour?
Nothing was as it should be...
...but thank goodness I'm awake now!
Are you coming back to bed, sweetie?

 

by ladyjdotnet
3-03-11
You're late again!
Yeah.
You're always late.
I try to get here on time, I really do...
...but whenever I get on the highway, the traffic always slows down to the speed limit.

 

by ladyjdotnet
3-03-11
What's with the background?
Oh, that's supposed to show that we represent the very end of the nerd spectrum.
I see. Hmmm, mayhaps there is a pot of gold at the end of this spectrum?
Nope, no gold.
Not even silvers? Coppers? Platinum pieces? Oooh, or maybe there's gold-pressed latinum like on DS9!
Nope, no reward for being where we are. I'm pretty sure we'll also never know the touch of a woman.

 

by ladyjdotnet
3-06-11
Even though you have already beat me up twice, I still feel like you don't think we're even for that spoiler joke a few years back.
Yeah, well. I uh, um, I had to spend all that energy on the actual beatings...
You're right, and I am shamed. What can I do to restore my honor?
Well, how about if I just hold my fists here and you beat yourself up on them for me?
Have I paid sufficiently for the unintended anguish that my silly joke caused you?
I was totally kidding.

 

by ladyjdotnet
3-10-11
Hey kiddo, ready for some quality time with your dad, playing D&D? Hey - this isn't D&D... what's Paranoia?
It's a dystopian world where the ruler is insane and capricious and controls the populous with misinformation and intimidation.
Teams are sent on missions to complete menial tasks with obstacles that can't be surmounted if you stick to the rules.
Characters have secret abilities and knowledge that it's criminal to even possess, let alone act on.
We all have secret agendas and look for opportunities to sacrifice each other to protect ourselves and advance...
Do you think we can play something that's a little less like going to work?

 

by ladyjdotnet
3-23-11
Ooh, let's go get a treat from that new chic bakery -
Jones Bros! Kinda pricey though, their cupcakes are three bucks.
Yikes, $3 for one cupcake? Is it the epitome of cupcakedom, its portability and simplicity superior to all other cupcakes?
Oh come on, you've paid more for a dessert before without batting an eyelash.
Yeah, but it's a cupcake.
I wonder if they're counting on people going in just so they can say they've eaten a $3 cupcake.
We'd better get some before they go out of business!

 

by ladyjdotnet
3-24-11
Whenever I see some dude on the street wearing a costume to advertise some local store, I have the same series of reactions. First: derision.
Just goes to show you should stay in school, kids!
Then: remorse and empathy, as I realize that the economy hasn't been too terribly solid lately, and I don't have a degree, myself.
There, but for the grace of God, go I!
Lastly: fear, as I realize that waxing philosophical for three cycles of the traffic light has caught the attention of the scary bunny-suited man.
No, really! I have nothing but respect for your profession. I would like a flyer, please!

 

by ladyjdotnet
4-12-11
I can't play for a little while yet. I have to finish up this report about piracy in Somalia.
In Somalia? Pirates? Ohhhh, that makes so much more sense now!
What do you mean? Haven't you ever heard of Somali Pirates before?
I guess I misheard the term. I imagined something else entirely.
If yer gonna impress yer wench and order the ceviche, you'll be wantin' to wash it down with a crisp, dry sparkling wine, like a Spanish Cava.
Yarr, if it be lamb yer havin', may I suggest the Chateauneuf-du-Pape?

 

by ladyjdotnet
5-08-11
How would you describe yourself?
I hate boxes.
Hmm?
I hate boxes, and labels, and categorizations.
Well, that's what I'd expect from your type.

 

by ladyjdotnet
5-13-11
Question number 9: What sexual act is practiced by humans, porpoises, and fish?
I know this! It's fellatio!
Really? Fish suck dick? Weird.
Yeah, totally. What else is there to do but swim around all day and eat and poop and suck some dicks?
I guess that's why they have that mouth pucker thing going on all the time.
Did you know that fish also sleep with their eyes open?
With all the other fish swimming around waiting to have their dicks sucked, I would too!

 

by ladyjdotnet
5-16-11
What are we doing this weekend?
It's supposed to be the Rapture.
Oh yeah, that's supposed to be May 21st. Is your soul prepared?
Well, I figure that there are a few steps to properly preparing a soul.
Yeah?
Right now I'm marinating it.

 

by ladyjdotnet
6-08-11
Dear hawt chixx0r, I took 20 on reading your profile I'd like to take you on a d8. That's just how I roll!
You critically failed your diplomacy check. I'm not interested.
It's bad enough to be rebuffed in a bar. I expect that... but on my turf? In my language?
So just grind on some lower level chicks and try again later.

 

by ladyjdotnet
6-14-11
Have we gotten any feedback to our Twitter handle since the press release this morning?
Well, yeah... but just from somebody named @enormousdicks.
We put a lot of money into this campaign! What are we doing to engage our followers?
So, you want me to reach out to @enormousdicks?
Yes, dammit! Now get back out there and really engage @enormousdicks!
Alright! Here I go, ensuring the satisfaction of @enormousdicks.

 

by ladyjdotnet
6-22-11
I'm dating a few different guys... I'm starting to feel like maybe I'm a bit of a ho.
Nah, you're just circulating... feeling your oats, playing the field!
Yeah, but all the guys I'm dating are way younger. I think I'm becoming a cougar.
Alright, maybe you're a ho, then... but you're too young to be a cougar. In fact, you're something much cooler than a cougar.
What's that?
You're a THUNDERCAT HO!

 

by ladyjdotnet
6-27-11
Growing up, I really had a thing for Cheetara.
Well, that's normal, but if you're still flogging the dolphin while picturing Cheetara, that's a little odd.
What if I flog the dolphin while thinking of you dressed in a Cheetara outfit?
Some people aren't built to dress as Cheetara. I'd end up looking more like Cheetos-ra.
I bet you're a pretty good Frito-Lay.
Chester Cheetah was wrong. It apparently is easy being cheesy.

 

by ladyjdotnet
7-30-11
Okay. Okay. Okay. But listen. I gotta really great idea for a business.
This oughtta be good.
Mmm-hmmm. It's an idea for a moving company name and slogan.
Is this the one about "How Are You Gentlemen Movers - We Move Every Zig?"
No. No. Better! "Ex-Lax Movers - We'll Totally Move Your Shit!"
Oooh, and a companion cleaning service! "Charmin Cleaners," for cleaning up the crap you left at the old place!

 

by ladyjdotnet
9-07-11
I've got a wheel bearing problem. It makes the car want to drift to the left, especially at speeds exceeding 65 MPH.
It's not so bad, though.
I've gotten really good at steering with my knees while texting.

 

by ladyjdotnet
9-07-11
Who's got two thumbs and...
No. Stop. You're DOING IT WRONG.
Huh?
It's "WHAT has two thumbs..." You're ruining the joke by saying "WHO".
Why is that?
Well, it's like you're not just excluding every THING that doesn't have thumbs, but every PERSON who mishandled fireworks.

 

by ladyjdotnet
9-07-11
Fine then, I'll do it your way.
The right way.
Fine. The right way. WHAT has two thumbs...
uh huh...
and pissed in your coffee?

 

by ladyjdotnet
12-18-11
You know, whenever I see some jerk take up two whole parking spaces, I wish he had friends and loved ones to tell him he's an ass.
Ha! That's totally my car!
Yeah, I kinda wish you had people who love you, too.
Ouch.
I'm totally kidding, buddy. I love you enough to call you an ass. Ass.

 

by ladyjdotnet
3-18-12
The sign outside says, "No interest for 5 years." Is that special still active?
Yep.
I was interested in buying a sofa for my living room...
Wait, what did you say?
I said I was interested...
Yeah, that's what I thought you said. Look, you read the sign. I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

 

by ladyjdotnet
4-01-12
Hi, Honey! Hey, why are you packing up all your stuff?
*sigh* I'd hoped to just leave a note.
I'm leaving you. I've been seeing someone much, much smarter than you are, behind your back.
Wait a second! Is this an April Fool's prank? You're just ACTING like you're leaving me!
April F... Yes. That's right, sure. I'm just acting.
You're still packing.
I'm just committing to the role.

 

by ladyjdotnet
1-28-13
Tell me more about the procedure we'll be performing.
When I was a kid, I was self conscious about my face, and that gave me an idea for this treatment.
That led you to create a breed of insects to eat dry skin and excrete collagen?
Yep!
...and women pay to have you inject them into the skin around their eyes and mouths?
Yes! It's awesome! People pay to have Facial Ticks.

 

by ladyjdotnet
7-22-13
Thanks for meeting me. I wanted to talk to you about something important, but I thought this might be weird on the phone.
No, I'm glad you called! I wanted to talk to you about something, too... You go first.
I'll just get right to the point... I got a bunch of bed bug bites... The exterminator says my place is clear, and since yours is the only other place I've crashed in the last few months...
I wanted to let you know so you can get it checked out. Bed bugs are kind of like herpes for apartments. Better than actual herpes though, right!? Anyway, you wanted to talk about something?
So, it's funny you should mention herpes...

 

by ladyjdotnet
7-30-13
...You know, our workplace offers free counseling sessions to help you deal with your stress and anxiety.
Yes.
You can even use their website to read the counselors' bios and set up an appointment.
See, that's just it. You CAN'T. The website is all kinds of slow to load and if it finally does, the LINKS are BROKEN.
That sounds like it could cause stress and anxiety.
Yes.

 

by ladyjdotnet
9-21-13
People are so negative all the time!
You're so right. All people see is the mistakes we make, not the good things we accomplish!
Totally! I mean, no one applauds the fact that I've stabbed so FEW people! Right?

 

by ladyjdotnet
5-10-16
Dude, you should pull over. Ambulances have the right away.
Don't you mean the right of way?
Yeah, that's what I said, the right away.
*sigh* and that means...
...that they get to go right away, and you have to wait.

 

by ladyjdotnet
12-16-22
Hello down there!
You're not going to make another joke about my height, are you?
Oh, for the love of all that is holy, Ceiling, stop picking on Cubi.
Yeah, Ceiling, listen to Drywall. For the love of all that is holey... like your acoustic tiled FACE! Take THAT! Hahaha!
No need to get short with me just cause my humor goes over your head.
*sigh* I guess I deserved that.

 

by ladyjdotnet
12-19-22
This is an internet comedian. Seriously.
I'm a reasonably well-liked internet comedian. I have 15k followers. Take my presence seriously.
But also not seriously.
But only my presence. Don't take my posts seriously. Ever. You should know everything I say is a joke. Everything.
Seriously.
I don't know why no one takes that seriously.

Showing page 6.

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