All comics by ragu4u

 

by ragu4u
10-16-08
I hate going on blind dates. Fast girls make me so nervous.
Yeah, but there may be an upside to this one. I'll tell ya how while we walk.
I hear one of the broads screws like a rabbit. She'll be all mine.
I hope we can tell them apart. It's not like women wear signs on themselves.
I certainly hope my date is a nice, refined young man.
Screw THAT. I hope my guy wants to boink the crap out of me right here on the table.

 

by ragu4u
10-16-08
Father, have you ever encountered a burning bush, like Moses?
Not exactly , but back in the day I tapped a few hot bushes downtown that gave me a terrible itch, by golly!
Was it like being touched by the hand of God?
No. It was more like being touched by the beaver of Monique.

 

by ragu4u
10-16-08
I find these Neubian godesses profoundly attractive. I must find a way to impress her. Here goes........
He's rather cute. Can he be "checking me out?"
"Sup, ho?"
Oh-MY God!
"Hey Bitch! Slow it down funky mama, and check me out. Pappa's got a brand new bag."
Taxi...Oh taxi!

 

by ragu4u
10-16-08
Preacher, if you don't hurry up & marry these two...
..the bride will crap on yer head & they'll just go elope.
Seconds Later
Amen?
Kiss her & beat it .

 

by ragu4u
10-17-08
I gotta get me a piece of that fine tail.
He's giving me the creeps!
Just Outside the Store....
Ow. Stop. Help. Let me go. RAPE!
Back Inside...
I gotta get me a piece of that fine tail.
He's giving me the creeps.

 

by ragu4u
10-17-08
Hey man...I saw that new porn flick called "Nailin Palin".
Oh yeah. I hear the gal who played Sarah Palin was a dead ringer for her.
You shoulda seen the part where she encountered a Moose!
Encountered? Encountered how?
Let's just say when she got done riding him around, he "Came" to an abrupt halt & breathed a "THIGH" of relief.
I'll bet she rode him bare backed, didn't she? I can see the headlines now..."Veep Screws Bullwinkle. You betcha, by golly."

 

My balony has a first name...it's O-S-C-A-R. My balony has a second name...it's M-E-Y-E-R.
I'd love to try but I'm afraid his meat CAN't be beat!
by ragu4u, 10-18-08

 

by ragu4u
10-18-08
American woman, get away from me-ee. American woman, mama let me be-ee. Don't come a hangin around my door...
Please release me, let me go-o.
Bye bye, miss American pie...drove my Chevy to the levy but the levy was dry-y-y!
...one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you do do do do do do...
I want to be in America...Everything free in America...OK by me in America...for a small fee in America!
...OK boots, start walkin.....Dat da da da dat, da da da dat.......

 

My name is Pennywise. I am the creation of Steven King and meant to scare you shitless, little girl.
Hi yourself. My name is Rhoda from the film "The Bad Seed". Now, DON'T YOU FUCK WITH ME!
by ragu4u, 10-18-08

 

Well, what you think bout my office, lil Butch?
Sweet!
by ragu4u, 10-18-08

 

by ragu4u
10-19-08
Takin out the Governor is gonna be risky now that she's runnin for VP.
I don't think so. She's been leaving herself wide open lately.
No way!
So I guess you missed her on "Saturday Night Live" last night, didn't ya?
Uh huh!
You ever seen a punching bag wearing "Kawasaki 704" eyeglasses?

 

OBAMA Camp..."Research Division"
I've just flushed out more info. Get it to Olberman ASAP!
by ragu4u, 10-19-08

 

At least you can sit down.
C'mon "Global Warming"!
by ragu4u, 10-19-08

 

by ragu4u
10-19-08
Father Joe's "Church of Low Attendance
It's so hard to preach a sermon when only 2 people show up...
...but I do feel that they can, at least, relate to my message.
Does he ever preach about other stuff? It's always sex, sex and......
Yeah, sex and appropriate dress at church services. "We get it Padre. We're not STUPID!"

 

by ragu4u
10-19-08
I understand Col. Colon Bowel has just endorsed Obama.
You'd think a guy named "Colon Bowel" could see through Obama's shit.
You betcha. He's probably had his nose up Barak's"you know what" for quite some time now.
Thereby giving him a unique, but smelly, perspective.
Like my old grandma used to say when she baked sweets..."Try not to judge till you've tasted the fudge."
Did he just say what I thought he said?

 

by ragu4u
10-19-08
Columbum High School
Ok, as soon as they come in we start blasting away.
Nobody escapes from the "Trenchcoat, Dumb Hat Mafia."
Columbum High School
The bell rang. So where are they all?
Well maybe..just maybe...
Columbum High School
Nah...nobody but a dumb fuck would close school on Columbus Day!

 

by ragu4u
10-19-08
A hunting I will go. A hunting I will go. Hi ho the derry-o a hun..........
Oh, shit.

 

by ragu4u
10-19-08
There ya go, all done.
When I look back, my arm had better be there or I'm gonna pick it up off the floor.....
...and steady beat you about the head with it till you can't spell HMO no more.
Please, just keep him looking away till I can get out the door.
On the count of three!.....1......2..

 

by ragu4u
10-19-08
I'm here to collect your soul to burn in hell with me.
C'mon...just say "trick or treat" like everybody else.
I mean it. I'm the devil incarnate here for your soul.
Give it up, Bozo. You don't scare......
You were about to say?

 

by ragu4u
10-19-08
Dogs are freakin filthy. (hic) I oughta shoot your ass like they (hic) did to "Old Yeller" in the movie.
I've been nothing but a faithful companion. Why?
In fact (hic) I'm gettin my gun right now. (hic)
Sorry master, but you leave me no choice.....
Now ya gone & spilled my freakin beer! (hic) But, hey..I'm good!
Maybe you should have seen the film "Cujo" before you went for your gun.

 

And WHAT exactly were you perverts expecting?
by ragu4u, 10-20-08

 

by ragu4u
10-20-08
Oh crap. He came out of nowhere. I didn't mean to hit him. I better call "On Star".
Hello? On Star? I uh, well, I...er I uh, ya know...uh....
"How far to a Taco Bell?"

 

by ragu4u
10-20-08
Here, Cinderella, take this mop and get to work. I'm going to the "Meet & Greet" for the Prince.
There must be some way I can meet a handsome prince.
I hear if a girl wishes hard enough a Fairy will turn her wish into a handsome Prince.
Correct, fair maiden, but ye must truly wish with all thy might.
YUK! What kind of Prince are you?
Silence! The Prince of Darkness is far more than your half assed wishing effort deserved.

 

by ragu4u
10-21-08
Finally, peace & quiet on me own desert island!
Not quite!
Well, blow me down, matey!
I was so hoping you'd say that.
Drat.

 

by ragu4u
10-21-08
When will I develwip bwests?
It will happen as you reach puberty, little girl.
Can YOU take me to pooberty now?
You need to take your time. It will happen slowly. As you develop, boys will find your body attractive and they will try touching you all over. It will be a shock to you at first. But then...
It hasn't been so bad. Everytime daddy does that stuff to me he calls it "sex ed". He says it's for my own good.
Wait here. I need to make a phone call.

 

by ragu4u
10-21-08
Listen, "Honey", you gotta admit I'm one "FLY" guy!
"BUZZ" off before I call the "SWAT" team on you.
C'mon, the picnic is all set. Let's go eat.
You don't think you'll get "stung" going on a blind date with me?
No, but if I don't eat soon I'll break out in "hives". I only live 24 hours, ya know?
Don't pressure me you overgrown "maggot."

 

by ragu4u
10-21-08
Hands up, buster. Now gimme the cash.
I can't give you the cash with my hands up.
OH right. Well then, just shut up and give me the safe combination.
How can I tell you the combination if I have to shut up? Say, you must be a rookie at this, huh?
On second thought, just gimme a burger, a shake and a large fry. I'm going to shut off my engine.

 

by ragu4u
10-22-08
I need to come up with a cool costume for the Halloween party, quick.
Go ask Ben. He has lots of neat ideas.
And what, zactly, makes ya'll think I gots me a Jockey outfit and a lantern?
A bit testy, aren't we?
I be's puttin my size 13 "Testy" up in yo flabby white ass, if'n you keep on talkin shit.
I wonder if that racist has a tux and some "tap" shoes?

 

by ragu4u
10-22-08
Ya know, a sunset like this at the end of the day kinda gets me ta thinkin deep thoughts...
humpf
Thoughts like..." Why don't them Wall Street boys brand their stock like I do? They sure would lose less.
ouch!
And why do they keep puttin em on those dad gum roller coasters. My stock wouldn't be worth a damn goin up'n down like that neither.
I'm bout ta heave.

 

by ragu4u
10-23-08
Remember, you haven't seen me, Jolly Roger!
Why be ya always a runnin away from Capt. Morgan?
Grrr
Half the time he seems to just rub me the wrong way.
?

 

by ragu4u
10-23-08
Friar, It says here Robin Hood and his men need you to create a diversion so they can escape the Sherriff of Nottingham & further more....
FUCK him...FUCK his men and FUCK the sherriff too.
Does he fuckin think I don't have any fuckin thing better to do than run fuckin interferance for his lazy fuckin ass? Well, FUCK THAT SHIT!
I didn't expect this response. I better finish the letter.
Aha , this last sentence explains everything. "Give this message to Friar Tuck only! Avoid Friar "Fuck" at all costs." oops
What the fuck YOU lookin at?

 

by ragu4u
10-23-08
So this is hell, huh?
SHee-it!..This ain't so bad.
Why hello there little brother!
Spoke too soon.

 

by ragu4u
10-23-08
Dr. Phibes, Sickobunny is here for his 4pm.
Actually, I was here at 10am for my 10:10am.
He's delusional again, doctor.
I am not. I merely stated you've been screwing me around for 6 hours and now I must go all "Hannibal Lecter" on your sorry asses.
Dr. Phibes, wants to know if I can make a nice "Carrot Shake" for you, before you see him?
Listen nurse, you've been makin my carrot shake nicely since I got here. How's about some pork'n beans & a fine Boone's Farm? sst-t-t-t-t

 

by ragu4u
10-23-08
We found him in the woods. He was there about a week. He had a huge gash to the head.
He is rather ripe, isn't he?
Oh, and there's a weirdo in the lobby who wants to see the body. He says it'll help him find his kids.
That is strange. Send him in.
I left my kids in his cracked skull a few days ago. Gimme a peek under the sheet, OK? I want to see how the lil buggers matured.
Who am I to deny a proud parent?

 

by ragu4u
10-23-08
Look DEEP into my eyes. You are getting sleepy...very sleepy!
I hope I won't regret this...
You are now my TOTAL slave. You MUST do EVERTHING I tell you, no matter how disgusting.
Yes master!
Now for the ultimate test. Sing Don Ho's biggest hit from The Lawrence Welk Show!
"Tiny bubbles, in the wine....make me feel happy...make me feel fine."

 

by ragu4u
10-23-08
Young man, let me in! Your school called to say you haven't been there all day.
So what have you been doing?
What's it look like? Chillin!

 

by ragu4u
10-23-08
The Blind Nun Receives Her "Service Animal"
Well Sister, I've got your seeing eye dog all trained and ready to go with you. We saved him during Hurricane Katrina.
Many thanks. I'm sure he will guide me safely through the snares and pitfalls the world may cast in my path. Bless you, my child.
No problemo. Hey Jake, bring in "Lucifer". He was a little rough when we got him but he's a real angel now.
LLLu--ci-fer?
Everytime you say "LUCIFER" an angel gets his wings...ripped off! Bwahahahah!

 

Ok, Ok...Alright already! So maybe I shouldn't have talked you out of buying that flight insurance. Geez!
by ragu4u, 10-23-08

 

by ragu4u
10-24-08
...and consult your physician for erections lasting longer than 4 hours.
Four hours? Impossible!
That Evening...
Two hours is my limit , Betty. I'm exhausted. NOW what do we do with this thing?
Just lay there, Mel. I've got an idea. I'll be right back.
...Behind Closed Doors...
Ouch Betty. Don't throw so hard.
Sorry! I was trying to knock down that leaner.

 

by ragu4u
10-25-08
Master "One Eye" approaches.
Yes.."One Eye" keeper of all knowlegde will speak!
Oh awesome Master "One Eye", partake wisdome upon us!
Master "One Eye"?
Oh yes, "One Eye", tells us again of how it began.
"The weather started getting rough. The tiny ship was tossed. If not for the courage of the fearless crew the Minnow would be lost. The Minnow would be lost!

 

by ragu4u
10-25-08
Anyone up for a really quick parable?
Aw, there ain't no GOD!
The others in this plane will only fall 30,000 ft. but....
Clam up, freak!
...but ,YOU sir, will fall much farther!
Stewardess, can I get a shot of "Hot Damn over here"?

 

by ragu4u
10-25-08
Yo, Louey. Bring me de nuts of dat lousy son of a bitch who keeps tearing into our shipments. Wer're losin major weight here.
You's got it , Don Bonano. Leave it ta me.
THIS is the liitle piece a shit that has been causing me to lose all that product?? Bring him over here, tie him down and cut him up real good...right at my feet. Capice?
OK, but Don Bonano, I already done brung ya his nuts, just like ya asked.
17 walnuts in a Tupperware bowl ain't sufficient payback.
Don't make Louey hurt me. I can get you more nuts. Think of my poor family.

 

by ragu4u
10-25-08
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It's been 2 robberies, 1 burglary & 3 rapes since my last confession.
That is quite a list of horrible accomplishments my son. You must make it a habit to come to cofession more often.
How often would you like, Father? I was just here this morning.
At least no one can fault your work ethic, my boy!

 

by ragu4u
10-25-08
It'll be $400 cash. Handle it very gently because it has a hair trig...
Oh snap!
...ger

 

by ragu4u
10-26-08
Saturday Night
Did you put the title of my sermon, "Sects & Cults", on our billboard out front, Spanky?
Yup, Father!
Sunday...Just Before Mass
Father, the church hasn't been this full in ages. Do you know why?
I've, finally, come up with a sermon that will draw a crowd and keep their attention.
Seconds later a Deacon rushes in.
Your choice of "Sex & Cunts" for a sermon topic really filled the place, Father.
That Spanky is one little rascal, he is.

 

by ragu4u
10-26-08
Next up, I'll talk with Bill O'Rielly as he responds to complaints that he's done a "Hatchet Job" on the Obama campaign.
In The Green Room
I'll straighten out those pinheads who think I'm biased against that "Tiger Woods" looking guy!
Um Bill...If you aren't doing a "hatchet job", why the hatchet?
Are you kiddin? You mainstream media types just don't get it. It's for my protection. My enemies are everywhere. They're out to get me from sea to shining sea, and that Olberman guy is the worst.

 

by ragu4u
10-26-08
Outside the studios of "Dancing With The Stars"
Too Bad.
Awful.
Outside the studios of "Dancing With The Stars"
Cloris Leachman, I bet.
Bingo!

 

by ragu4u
10-26-08
Nurse, I must see the doctor. Every time I get a hardon I begin to stutter like crazy. I need help.
Wait here sir.
Doctor , there is a gay man in the waiting room who wants to see you about a stuttering problem
Gay, huh? I'll be the judge of that. Send him in.
D-D-oc, I st-st-stutter w-when m-m-y d-d-dick g-g-gets h-hard!
Yup! Gay, alright!

 

Who did you hire to ring the bells at the Notre Dame Catherdral?
I have a hunch. He'll do a fine job.
by ragu4u, 10-26-08

 

by ragu4u
10-26-08
Remember the old "LSMFT" slogan on Lucky Strike cigs?
I think so, Smokey. Refresh my mind.
"Lucky Strike Means Fine Tobacco".
And here me and the girls thought it meant..."Loose Straps Mean Floppy Tits".
That too, my buxom beauty. That too!
I can't wait to get him in my mouth!

Showing page 6.

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