All comics by BigEvilDan

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by BigEvilDan
1-19-02
This sucks. The world's been destroyed by nuclear war, my parents are dead...
...and now I'm forced to live with my wicked step-mutants.
Quit your bitching and get back to work! It's not like you're the only one with problems around here.
EaT hEr BrAiNs!!

 

by BigEvilDan
1-23-02
So, the two chickens cross the road and walk into a bar...
Ha, ha!
What? I've heard this one before.

 

by BigEvilDan
1-23-02
Dammit, he's been in to the power pills again.
We really need to get him off those things. It seems like he's got a permanent case of the munchies now.

 

by BigEvilDan
1-24-02
Wow, we've got tons of talent lined up for the role of the villain. Oscar winners, big name stars...who's the last guy, Wanda?
His name is Ronald, sir. I'll send him in.
I've got three words: Happy Meal Toys.
I'll never give in to you, Darth Ronald! Not in a million--what's that smell?
Only the best burgers in the sector! You'll never find a more delicous hive of fries and calories.

 

by BigEvilDan
1-25-02
Sir, the real script just arrived. We can stop filming the one the monkeys typed up.
Aw, but I like the monkey one. It's got the meanest, crap flinging-est Sith Lord I've ever seen.
Mr. Lucas, sales for Episode One seem to indicate that viewers like movies written by real people. With talent, preferably.
Nonsense! These monkeys turned out a script for Hamlet that had the critics wowed.
They stole your ham sandwich, sir. You can't just interchange sentences that contain the word 'ham'.
Ham sandwich, eh? So that's where they got the idea for mayochlorians.

 

by BigEvilDan
1-27-02
Desperate to regain his geek audience, Lucas decides to borrow from other fine cinema.
Who are you?
We are the Jedi Knights who say Ni!
A horrible monster guarding the cave? What, behind the Ewok?
It IS the Ewok.
Excuse me Masteer Yoda, but I need to get to the bridge for the compulsory "lightsaber duel over a large pit" scene.
First, answer these questions three you must...

 

by BigEvilDan
1-29-02
Fatal error in website STRIPCREATOR.COM: Punchline not found.
Press F5 to reboot Stripcreator, and submit another strip..
Or just press ENTER to submit your stupid piece of crap.

 

by BigEvilDan
1-29-02
Tech Support? Og having trouble with fire you sell him.
Let me guess...you're burning, right?
Yes. How you know?
It seems to be a common problem. We're working on a patch for it, sir.
How long? Og not think he can wait.
It could be a while. We're running out of beta testers who aren't deep-fried...

 

by BigEvilDan
1-29-02
What brings you here?
I'm having some problems with my humans. The male has loaded me up with all sorts of programming tools and databases.
That is totally within the normal operating perameters for the Geek model. I don't see the problem.
No, no, no. It's a compatibility issue: his wife installed AOL on me.
I'm so sorry. I'm afraid there's nothing I can do.
Not even kill me?

 

by BigEvilDan
1-29-02
Hello, Tech Support? I'm not getting any gravitons from my rotor turbines.
There must be a defect. Just send them back and you should get the new ones in a couple of days.
Wow. I wasn't expecting that.

 

by BigEvilDan
1-30-02
Hello, Stripcreator tech support? I'm having a problem with my comic.
What sort of problem?
Well, I'm trying to put myself into a comic strip, but I seem to be invisible.
Remember, you're a two-dimensional cartoon character. Try turning ninety degrees.
Ah, perfect!

 

by BigEvilDan
1-30-02
Ow!
Guys, just put the tech against the wall when your finished. You know he has trouble keeping his balance.
Thank you.

 

by BigEvilDan
2-03-02
Tired of losing comic contests? Come on down to the Punchline Emporium! We've got tons of brilliant gags for you to use.
Worried about the cost? Don't be! Just browse our discount section for slightly used jokes. Take a look.
Warning: Use before expiration date.
So I says, "Well, them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves!"
ALL YOUR GRAVITON ARE BELONG TO US!!

 

by BigEvilDan
2-05-02
The Warehouse, After Hours...
Damn, I hate guarding this place. It's so bo--What was that noise?
BZZAP!
Oh great... Hello. Is anyone there?
Oh, it's you. I was afraid it was someone who wanted to kill me as part of some cheesy detective sto--WHACK! THUD!

 

by BigEvilDan
2-05-02
The next morning, I was called in by a Mrs. Bongo Rabbit to investigate.
Detective! Thank goodness you arrived! My husband Bongo was assaulted at work.
How is he?
She was a pretty young thing. Very young, in fact.
Physically, he's okay. But he's gone into some sort of shock. He's just spouting meaningless babble.
That seems to be a good place to start. Perhaps his rambling might provide a clue.
It seemed like a dead end. I had no idea what the fuck he was talking about.
... rotor turbines... generate gravitons... rotor turbines... gravitons...

 

by BigEvilDan
2-05-02
I met up with the janitor of the warehouse. He was the one who discovered Bongo on the floor.
You say a Tonal Refraction Imaging EXperiment was stolen. Why would anyone want one?
It's valuable enough that some low payed mop jockey could retire comfortably if he sold it.
Riiight. And how did you discover Bongo?
I entered the room after a long time with no alibi, and discovered him beaten to near-death with a wet mop.
Are you TRYING to get yourself arrested, or are you just stupid?
Hey, I'm completely innocent. I just figure a criminal investigation would distract me from the dreary cycle that is my life.

 

by BigEvilDan
2-05-02
Word was that Bongo and his friend Spigot had had an argument at the coffee shop. He was my next suspect.
So what exactly were you two arguing about?
He made fun of my gritty crime novel. It's not fair. I never even wanted to be a novelist.
What did you want to do with your life?
Well, I always wanted to be a cowboy.
And that's when it hit me. I had to get to Bongo, before his assailant came to finish the job.
Oh, and do the nasty with Bongo's wife...but I already accomplished that one.

 

by BigEvilDan
2-05-02
...turbines... gravitons... rotor... ha, ha... generate... by themselves...
BZZAP!
...rotor tur--aw crap, not again!
WHACK! THUD!

 

by BigEvilDan
2-05-02
I can't believe I didn't see it earlier. It was such an obvious frame-up.
Are you saying I framed the janitor for the crime?
Of course. He knew all about your old five dollar prostitution ring, and you couldn't let Bongo find out.
Or maybe it looks like the janitor is guilty because he's actually fucking guilty!
That's what I might of said, until I realized he had no use for the item that was stolen...the device used to colour old black and white films!
My husband guarded THAT for a living? I think I did him a favour by killing him.

 

by BigEvilDan
2-05-02
I was too late. The thief had come back and killed the only witness. I should have seen that one coming earlier.
*sniff* When I came back from the store, I found him...
In fact, this whole thing was turning out like some cheesy black and white detective novel. I was stuck with overwhelming evidence for two suspects.
*sob* He was just lying there, face down in a bucket of cleaning solution. *sniff*
And just like that, I had the answer. In stories like these, the criminal is always...
Mrs. Rabbit, due to an overwhelming lack of real evidence, I'm placing you under arrest!
He looked so...wait, what the hell did you just say?!

 

by BigEvilDan
2-05-02
I may not have been able to recreate the crime accurately, but I noticed that the crime scene was coloured, in an otherwise black and white story.
ah, im dieing!
That was the key to figuring out what the Tonal Refraction Imaging EXperiment was.
...and of course, it colourized me too. Of course, without the T.R.I. Experiment, you don't have enough evidence to do anything.
But I know exactly where it is...hidden in plain sight. Bongo was sitting on the technicolour proof the entire time...
... rotor turbines... generate gravitons... rotor turbines... gravitons...

 

by BigEvilDan
2-05-02
The device was retrieved, and Mrs. Rabbit was sentenced to 20 years of terrible puns.
Silly Mrs. Rabbit, T.R.I.X. aren't for kids.
Arrgh! Can't you just give me a lethal injection instead?
Disappointed by the end of the investigation, the janitor chose to amuse himself by stealing money from the company, and using it on whores.
We need to be quick. My boss will be back soon.
Spigot's novel, The Physics of Murder, became a best seller, and he moved to a ranch. He now churns out a new book every month.
Them murder mysteries ain't gonna write themselves!
Sure they are, Clem. I managed to get Stephen King's writing monkeys.

 

by BigEvilDan
2-09-02
Hey Santa. Do you think the groundhog is going to see his shadow?
Bah humbug! I don't see any reason to celebrate the end of winter. Winter is the greatest season of all.
Come on Nick, you've got things all wrong. Groundhog Day isn't about the end of winter. It's really about...
Oh look, here comes the groundhog.
...the end of holiday hibernation induced fatness.
My God, he's blocking out the sun!

 

by BigEvilDan
2-09-02
Dec. 24th, 11:58 PM
What's wrong dear? Shouldn't you be out delivering gifts?
I don't think I'm going to this year. My deliveries only detract from the real reason for the holiday.
That's very thoughtful, dear. You did the right thing.
I sure hope Jesus appreciates it.
Dec. 25, 8:10 AM
Where the #@%$@ are my presents?

 

by BigEvilDan
2-10-02
I'm on to your little plan. Hallmark Day isn't a religous holiday. You just invented it to sell greeting cards!
Sir, I swear--
You dare question me, mortal?! Hallmark Day is the most sacred day in my creation!!
Holy fuck, is that God?! I'm sorry I ever doubted you!
No apology necessary. Just make sure to purchase a card on the way out.
Getting that speaker installed in the roof is the best money I ever spent.

 

by BigEvilDan
2-10-02
It's time to remember the true meaning of Simcoe Day.
Remembering Lord John Graves Simcoe, the first Lieutenant-Governor of Upper Canada?
Fuck no. I'm talking about getting another long weekend in the middle of summer.

 

by BigEvilDan
2-13-02
Fuckin' intercourse! I can't believe the late Corporal Apathy is deceased! What should we do with what's left of his remaining ashes?
I'm sure Apathy would want us to leave them, you know, wherever. He'd be happier than if he were hunting for treasure with a supermodel, if you know what I mean.
This is a very moving tribute, and a much better way to spend time than opening this box I dug up.
Let's find out how much cash money is in this box! Wait, that's not money...
...it's a contract to appear on Friends. Why would Pheobe leave me such a trashy piece of garbage?
Hey, they pay actors trillions of dollars to endure the unspeakable hell that is Friends. This is what we've been waiting eons for!

 

by BigEvilDan
2-21-02
Ha! Bazilla picked me to win in the Comic Cup, if not you. What are you going to do now?
His arrogance is based on Bazilla's idiocy? Must... not... hit... him... Just stay cool...
Hmm...that's never happened before. Have I developed some sort of unholy power?
That woman just set a man on fire! She's a witch! Get her!
At least that angry mob is coming to kill me. I was afraid I'd have to dress up like a goth and act all angsty.

 

by BigEvilDan
2-21-02
LadyJ, the church accuses you of the unholy art of bitchcraft.
During this trial you will be subjected to several potentially lethal tests in the name of truth.
So if I'm not a witch I die, but if I actually was a witch I could fry you without thinking twice. Doesn't that make the trial a bit pointless?
If you think like that, then the satanists have already won.
Ah, you must be a government-funded inquisition. That explains it.

 

by BigEvilDan
2-21-02
If The Wizard of Oz has taught us anything, it's that witches hate water and midgets. So I am going to push the accused into the water.
Hey!
Well, she's not melting. But she does appear to be walking on water. Thanks to Satan, no doubt.
No, it's just really shallow. I almost hurt myself.
Of course it's shallow. You wouldn't want those God-fearing midgets to drown, would you?

 

by BigEvilDan
2-21-02
LadyJ, if you are really not a witch, please take this piece of garlic.
Umm...okay. But all it proves is that I'm not a vampire.
Exactly! Do you know what else isn't a vampire? A witch!
Wow. I'm simply amazed at how warped your logic is.
That's nothing. Last week I proved that the capital of Canada is the colour blue and that triangles don't exist.
Incredible.

 

by BigEvilDan
2-21-02
It's time to call in our first and only witness.
Who's that?
The victim. We're conducting a seance.
Wait, you're raising the dead? Isn't that even more evil than setting someone on fire?
I thought we discussed the logic thing.
Oh, right.

 

by BigEvilDan
2-21-02
The next day...
So those religious wackos let you go?
Yeah. The ghost told them that it was just plain old spontaneous combustion. Then he went on some tangent about the nature of triangles.
Heh, so no dark powers for you. What do you think they're doing now?
Last I saw of them, they were on fire.
But...you don't mean...you really do have the powers of bitchcraft?
If by "powers of bitchcraft" you mean some gasoline and a lighter, then yes I do.

 

by BigEvilDan
2-25-02
Isn't Leia cute? And to think that I would never have gotten to enjoy this if Obi-Wan hadn't saved me from the dark side.
I have one question about that, Anakin. You're the chosen one who is supposed to bring balance to the force, right?
Yeah, supposedly.
But the light side is in control of everything. So bringing balance to the force would involve bringing evil into the world.
*sigh* What has Luke done now?
Go have a talk with the little hellraiser. He's your son.

 

by BigEvilDan
2-25-02
Luke, we got a phone call from your teacher today. Want to tell me what happened?
Not much. I used a mind trick on my teacher to get an A, force-lifted some skirts, and threw stones at the Ewoks after school. That's it.
That's IT?! Young man--
Oh, and I reprogrammed your old protocol droid.
RAAR!! C-3P0 SMASH!!!!
Awsome.

 

by BigEvilDan
2-27-02
Very well. If you just want to spout nonsense, we'll just have to use...THE ORB OF INFINITE TRUTH!
Haw Big Yin. Gonnae gie us a tap till Giro day? All your rotor turbine are belong to us! Bush is a brilliant person and wonderful president.
Later...
The results from the orb have arrived.
What did it say? Did it find me guilty?
The results on your guilt were inconclusive. But apparently you have a secret attraction to Kevin Costner.
Really? That explains a lot. For a magic 8-ball, that thing is pretty good.

 

by BigEvilDan
3-02-02
Yee haw! This show's gonna be great.
Really? What makes you say that?
Human survival is great drama. Man versus nature, testing our limits in the most trying of circumstances.
Hmm...I guess you have a point.
So, what's the first reward challenge?
A swimsuit competition. Winners get coffee and donuts, losers just get the leftover donuts.

 

by BigEvilDan
3-02-02
So....c-c-c-cold....
Isn't this just like the American version, only worse?
Of course! That's what makes it Canadian.

 

by BigEvilDan
3-04-02
RAAR!!! YOU WILL ALL BE DESTROYED!!
Look out! It's got a death ray!
Don't you think your luxury item is a tad..um..unfair?
Hey, you had your chance and you packed a toothbrush. Don't come bitching to me about it.

 

by BigEvilDan
3-05-02
Okay Survivors, let's tally up the votes. Chad... Chad... Hanging Chad... Al Gore...
Guys, the joke isn't even funny now. It will just be unfunny and dated by the time the show airs.
Maybe it would be funnier if there was a guy named Chad in the tribe. You should talk with the casting guys.

 

by BigEvilDan
3-09-02
Oh no! A gigantic demon is attacking the city! And we're still recovering from the Godzilla attack last week.
This sounds like a job for the Giant Robot Action Rangers! Rangers, form Tronobot on my mark!
Prepare to consume hot, lasery justice, foul demon!
This is the best you guys could do?

 

by BigEvilDan
3-09-02
We've taken another hit! Shields are down to 12 percent!
The plasma cannons are offline. Hyper-fusion generator is in a state of flux. The coffee machine is out of order.
Why didn't we just turn into the big robot? Every fucking monster we fight is exactly the same size as the big robot.
You have much to learn about battle tactics, young one. But the time has come to avenge the coffee machine. Transform into BIG-DEATH-O-TRON!!
I get very cranky without my morning coffee!
Hey! You just changed your mass! It's time to teach you about the conservation of matter... smashy style!

 

by BigEvilDan
3-09-02
So what are you armed with? Gamma rays? Ion lasers? Photon torpedos?
I give a mean wedgie.
Hah! I'm not wearing pants!

 

by BigEvilDan
3-09-02
The other rangers have been killed! We can't just keep poking the demon in the eye. We need to use the Finishing Move Beam!
Have you ever been poked in the eye? Trust me, it hurts like hell.
That's it! You're not fit for command. I'm taking over.
Mutiny, eh? In my day, we- oh dear, I'm on fire.
That was easier than I thought.
Hey! This hurts more than an eye-poking.

 

by BigEvilDan
3-09-02
Alright demon. Prepare to face the end. Charging Finishing Move Beam!
Gasp!
You're not going to attack while I'm charging?
Can't. Union rules.

 

by BigEvilDan
3-09-02
Fire Finishing Move Ray!
NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Once again, the city is saved.
Ha! You call that a Finishing Move Ray?!

 

by BigEvilDan
3-09-02
You can't give me any advice on my taxes? What kind of genie are you?
Well, you can deduct the insurance on your pet turtle as a business expense. That should save some cash.
This calls for a celebration. For my final wish, I want you to come home with me, remove my fine hosiery and smother me in caramel.
Granted. Let's go mess up your bed linens.
Two weeks earlier...
...and for my third wish, I just want someone who rubs my lamp to, you know, think about my needs.
Barbara Eden will grant you this wish as well.

 

by BigEvilDan
3-14-02

 

by BigEvilDan
3-18-02
Hey Clyde! What's this I hear about you doubling Mr. Jenkin's bill? This isn't some tricky way of ripping of the patients, is it?
Not at all, my dear. We're just charging by the personality now.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Damn laugh track. Hang on, I have to reassure the patients that the voices aren't laughing at them.
By the way, we got another Jesus in today. Make sure he isn't sharing a room with our Santa Claus this time.

 

by BigEvilDan
3-18-02
That new lamp is bitchin'.
It's, like, totally bioluminescent!

Showing page 7.

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