All comics by Zimri

 

by Zimri
3-06-06
So I've been meaning to ask you...
I know, I know...
You do?
Yes...you want to have sex with me since I put on all of this weight...go ahead, you chubby chaser!
Actually, I just wanted to know when the midterm was.
I ate all of those Twinkies for nothing!

 

by Zimri
3-06-06
Do more comics, you asshat.
I have not been inspired...
Know what inspires me?
What's that?
Car wrecks, Mexican beer, and Marlon Brando's ASS in the "The Wild One".
So that's why you've been on a comic writing spree lately?

 

by Zimri
3-06-06
Man, LiveJournal is getting TOO dramatic...these people are hating on me because I wouldn't let them in a community!
You need a real hobby.
I don't have a problem! I'm only on the Internet seven hours a day! Is that so bad?
Yes.
I have been saying "laugh out loud" a lot...out loud...in real life.

 

by Zimri
3-09-06
At the Atlantic City roulette table...
Are you going to stop cursing and drinking?
....NEVER!
At least put on pants. For the wee 'uns.

 

by Zimri
3-13-06
Are you drunk?
....err, nope.
Yeah, right, and R. Kelly cards his dates.

 

by Zimri
3-14-06
So what are you doing different this week since you're on Spring Break and you don't work?
Drinking...a lot.
I said, "What are you doing different?

 

by Zimri
3-14-06
So I hate Italian people.
Aren't you Italian?
Yes.
...makes sense to me.

 

by Zimri
3-14-06
So I hate Italians.
No punchline here.
Filthy wop cocksuckers.

 

by Zimri
3-15-06
Number of Americans harmed by Iraqis before the war: 0.
Number of Americans harmed by Iraqis since the war: up to 48,100.
Yeah, we've done some real good over there.

 

by Zimri
3-16-06
Iraq had malicious plans and enough WMDs to cripple America.
It's possible.
Sddam brutally mistreated and butchered innocent people.
So do most other nations in the world.
But, hey, it's not our problem, right?
Maybe we should let countries decide things for themselves.

 

by Zimri
3-16-06
The ultimate goal of war is peace...
Uh, Mr. President, there's a man beating his wife in Bahrain.
BATTLE STATIONS! MAN THE CANNONS YE SCALLYWAGS!
Oh Dubya, you so crazy!

 

by Zimri
3-16-06
Say, aren't you Italian?
Sure am.

 

by Zimri
3-16-06
nd u promise ur not creepy
Scout's honor.
k my phone # is...
Wait, hold on, let me get the stuffed buffalo and lube out...
LizieDivas07 signed off at 2:04:37 PM.

 

by Zimri
3-16-06
FUCK MY SLANT EYE!
Did I bury that hooker?
YOU EAT MEE! YOU EAT MEE!
I loves me some see-food, suh
You say he put the hot dog where?
I'm rape rookie of the year

 

by Zimri
3-22-06
So working out in the morning is tough.
Especially after a night of Wild Irish Rose and getting forcefully boffed by some Colombian dude I just met.

 

by Zimri
3-23-06
I am the supreme masturbator.
I got you beat, chief.
How so?
I've got my magazines set up a certain way, a fool proof system to stop people from coming in, your mom's finger in my ass...
My mom's been dead for three years.
Uh, yeah, I know.

 

by Zimri
3-28-06
Hey, Zimri, you losing weight?
Some, yeah.
So what are you doing?
Workin' out.
You can't just be jerkin' your yerkin forty times a day and call it "working out", you know.
I'm a squirrel, I do a lot of cardio!

 

www.ironshiek.com
by Zimri, 3-28-06

 

by Zimri
3-28-06
Hello.
Hello, this is Val Kilmer, the man of your dreams. I heard you're a fan. Can I come over to your house and split you in half?
Oh...my...GOD! Really?!
No, not really.
You son of a bitch Alcoac!
Muahahahaha

 

by Zimri
3-28-06
Crikey, I've got to crap...and masturbate.
Good thing I can multi-task.

 

by Zimri
3-28-06
So why do you drink so much?
It's the only way I can make it through the night.
But you make love with me every night.
Precisely.

 

by Zimri
4-01-06
What seems to be the problem, there, officer?
You were getting an HJ and drinking from a bottle of turpentine and you swerved and collided with a bus load of disabled Vietnam veterans.
That's actually almost impressive.
Well, I apply myself.

 

by Zimri
4-01-06
Is there anything else you want to confess?
Let me ask you something...
Yes?
Is it TOTALLY against the law to molest hookers with a socket wrench? 'Cause...

 

by Zimri
4-01-06
So here I am. Prison.
Yep.
Ok, first of all, who runs the drug trade around here? I'm going to set myself up as a leader of my own tribe and own this freakin' place.
Contrary to what a lot of people think, being in prison isn't like that show "Oz."
Oh, that's good; at least I won't get raped.
Should I put it in him now, or later?

 

by Zimri
4-01-06
You know, I think I'm really starting to adjust to my new life here.
Really?
Yes. I exercise a lot, read, etc.
But that huge Honduran guy named "El Reamo" keeps making you toss his salad.
...I told him I was "bilingual"...guess he misunderstood.

 

by Zimri
4-04-06
So what do you do when you get drunk?
I jerk off to episodes of the Muppet Babies. You?
Listen to William Shatner records.
...
Dude, that's pretty fucked up right there.

 

by Zimri
4-04-06
What took you so long in the bathroom?
I, uh, er...
DUDE! You've got to stop jerking off in my bathroom!
I can't help it...
...that sculpture you have of those ducks gets me all hot and bothered.

 

by Zimri
4-10-06
Only women and children don't have beards, and I'm neither one.
I have a beard because it makes me look hot as fuck.
And I know I look good.
Ok, I can't back that shit up.

 

by Zimri
4-10-06
95% of abortions are done as a means of birth control or to eliminate an unwanted pregnancy.
Only 1% of abortions are performed because of rape or incest; 1% because of fetal abnormalities; 3% because of mother's health problems.
I'm still not wearing a fucking condom.
I know, can you put it away now? It's attracting flies.
You don't use it, you lose it.

 

by Zimri
4-10-06
Man, it's kind of scary being one of "us" nowadays.
What do you mean?
Well, being hassled, those Japanese gays that are more effecient and cheaper, AIDs.
I don't believe in AIDs.
...do you you want to fuck?
Sure what the hell

 

by Zimri
4-11-06
I'm Carlos Mencia. (Insert sweeping generilization of a race) I'm funny, right?!
I'm Dave Chapelle. (Insert sweeping generilization of a race) I'm funny, damnit!
I'm Zimri. ...b0ner.

 

by Zimri
4-11-06
So I babysat my little cousin today.
He's got ADD.
We're sending the little bastard to concentration camp this summer.

 

by Zimri
4-15-06
"Dear Jesus..."
Yes?
"You don't fuck around, homes!"
What?!
"Props, big guy. you brought that shit with the whole Lazarus thing."
Jesus Christ....

 

by Zimri
4-16-06
An actual (and rare) conversation with the father.
What're you're watching, there, son?
Big Love...the series where the guy has three wives.
...I'd like to do a TV series where I have NO wives.
(My dad hates my mom)
Or better yet, I had a bitchy one and she perishes horribly in a suspicious "kitchen accident".

 

by Zimri
4-16-06
Guess who's been awake for twenty four straight hours?
I'll give you a hint: he's masturbating.
www.TrannyOnlineCompanion.com

 

by Zimri
4-18-06
Uncle Joey....
GODDAMNT MICHELLE HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO KNOCK!
...are you banging a she-male?!
UNCLE JOEY DOES WHATEVER THE FUCK HE WANTS!

 

by Zimri
4-19-06
I shall now spank your red ass
Sweet, nutty smell of young orgasm
I am the voice of my own god
Who's hand is that?!
You look like you got a mouh there
The sweeter to suck you off with

 

by Zimri
4-19-06
cpausti, I just killed Lucien Lachance with my Burden of Flesh mace with the health drain spell, man!
Really? What game?
...game?
SHAZAM!

 

by Zimri
4-20-06
Do you sell pets?
No.
Do you sell pets?!
No.
Do you sell unblemished children? ...I mean, pets?
No.

 

by Zimri
4-26-06
Hello, thank you for holding on the XBOX 360 Help Line, this is Achmed.
Yeah, HI! My XBOX controller isn't working...
Is it plugged in?
You REALLY think I'd stay on hold for thirty-five minutes on a long distance call because it was unplugg--ah, shit.
...you're a douche bag.
Yes, I know.

 

by Zimri
4-26-06
Val Kilmer sucked as Batman.
Wha---WHA---NO!
STOP GROPING ME!
Today northern California man Dragon "X" Ero was arrested for attacking a defenseless squirrel.
Police would not have apprehended this bald menace had he not video taped the assault and put it up on his MySpace.

 

by Zimri
5-02-06
So I heard you got double pneumonia.
Yeah.
Is that why you've been spitting all over everything in my house...you know, trying to infect me and my loved ones?
Psh, no.
...I do that because my sputum is considered currency in certain Appalachian areas.

 

by Zimri
5-03-06
Global warming is defintely not as widespread as people think it is.
I agree.
In fact, I'm going to sit out on my front lawn tomorrow wearing a ballerina outfit, smoking a cigar and spraying aerosal all over the place
...why the cigar and ballerina outfit?
Life has its little bonuses.

 

by Zimri
5-04-06
Can I have a number four, please?
With the optional fruit confectionery, sir?
Of course.
Very good.
'EY! LONNIE! GIMME AN APPLE PIE WIT' DA PANCAKES! NIGGA GET 'DEM 'CAKES! Shee-it.

 

by Zimri
5-09-06
Can I borrow your Kiss CD?
Well, uh, no, Tedi, since the last CD you borrowed from me was destroyed.
Dude, don't be a dick, ok?
...fine.
Six months later
YEAH, about that Kiss CD, my little sister crammed it in the DVD player with peanut butter and jelly.

 

Can you bring me back a shot glass from China?
How about a baby? They're probably cheaper.
by Zimri, 5-09-06

 

by Zimri
5-10-06
Woo-hoo!

 

by Zimri
5-17-06
She's the BOSS
Why is the store's alarm going off?! I'm hungover and I don't need this!
I don't know! I hit every button on there and it won't go off!
Did you press the button clearly labeled "Buzzer Silence"?
...no.
...I'm going to go smoke a cigarette for about forty-five minutes.
Yeah, go ahead.

 

Jesus there's a lot of black people in this town.
Yeah.
by Zimri, 5-18-06

 

by Zimri
5-24-06
Yuengling lager should come with a warning on the bottle:
"Expect frequent explosive diarrhea and spins."
Or maybe "Apologize to your friend after you puke all over his dashboard."

Showing page 7.

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