All comics by ivytheplant

Profile

 

by ivytheplant
1-12-04
My favorite movie:
My favorite movie trilogy:
My favorite TV show:

 

by ivytheplant
1-12-04
How many times have I told you to use the WAX paper in the microwave!?
Dude. Your potato like totally exploded in the fire.
Bummer, man.
Have you seen my new hat? I seem to have misplaced it.
Moop.

 

by ivytheplant
1-12-04
Rabid...
This is Dong Wangly reporting live from AbuDhabi where hundreds of...
Mew.
Dcom...
This is Wang Dongly reporting live from AbuDhabi where...
Me-yow.
A chance meeting...
Wangs!
Dongs!

 

by ivytheplant
1-13-04
What?
When you said you were bringing "some rocks" back with you--?
I did.
--Did you give any thought to how you're going to fit the whole canyon into your apartment?
I couldn't bloody well leave them at the mercy of my family, could I?

 

by ivytheplant
1-13-04
So what are you going to do with all those rocks?
I have a few plans.
So many bad things in history happened because someone said "I have a few plans."
You wouldn't happen to know any Welsh guys, would you?
I'm not sure I like where this is going...
You worry too much.

 

by ivytheplant
1-13-04
Get a move on ya lazy Welsh bastards!
A word, if I may?
Make it quick. If I don't keep watch, the workers will make a break for it.
I don't think slave labor is the best approach.
Next you'll tell me I was wrong to hire only Welsh.

 

by ivytheplant
1-13-04
Ma'am, I represent Wales Against Henge Building, an organization dedicated to eradicating the stereotype that the Welsh are only good for building henges.
I'm just trying to be historically accurate here. They want to be the Druids this time? Fine, I'll let them be the Druids. Sheesh.
Actually, you've been ordered to stop watching Eddie Izzard routines.
Isn't it illegal to discriminate against my religion?
Your religion is Eddie Izzard?
No, he's my god. You'd better leave before he turns you into a donut.

 

by ivytheplant
1-13-04
I summon the Avatars of Izzard the Action Transvestite!
It is I! The Emperor Fabulous!
And me, Jeff, the God of Biscuits.
I order you to take out W.A.H.B. and all their lawyers!
Do we have to? I just put tea on.

 

by ivytheplant
1-13-04
What's going on in the basement?
I'm generating gravitons with rotor turbines.
But I thought rotor turbines don't generate gravitons?
Not by themselves they don't.
Um...
Back in a few. I have to check on the platypus.

 

by ivytheplant
1-13-04
Thank you for flying Church of England. Cake or death?
Cake, please.
Thank you for flying Church of England. Cake or death?
Death. No! Cake!
Shoulda had the chicken.

 

by ivytheplant
1-14-04
This is a telegram I recieved at one of my nations while playing NationStates. Ahem.
"hi i would just like to take the time to say you a one WEIRED MOTHER FUC4ER!!!!!"
It is interesting to note that the sender no longer exists, probably because of poor spelling habits and general shenanigans.

 

by ivytheplant
1-15-04
I just failed my house inspection. These new people are a lot more strict.
Uhoh...what went wrong?
The smoke detector didn't work and I literally bought it 15 min before she arrived. My housekeeping also failed me cause of the luggage mess even though she KNOWS I've been gone for 3 weeks!
Ouch. She didn't give you leniency?
Of course not. And I have to get new light globes for the rooms! I HATE those things! They're dirty and disgusting and collect bugs which are a health hazard in my book
Not to mention that changing a lightbulb with those antiquated things is officially classified as an extreme sport.

 

by ivytheplant
1-15-04
This whole thing sucks. All my paperwork is due today. The landlady is gone for who knows how long, I have weeks of cleaning ahead of me, and all the apartment's problems are blamed on me.
Problems?
There was never a light globe in the bathroom. Past inspectors never had a problem with bare bulbs.
Just take them off after the final inspection.
I plan to. What's really funny is she never checked my outlets. That's the one thing past inspectors got mad at me for.
They have no problem with you living in an electrical hazard, but they demand light globes? Ahhh...bureacracy.

 

by ivytheplant
1-16-04
I'm on the Atkins diet and it is like soooo great!
That's nice. *eats apple*
I can eat, like, all this fat, like REAL food!
Lovely for you. *drinks Dr. Pepper*
I don't know how you can eat all those carbs I mean, like, you must have been like secretly on the Atkins diet cause like, how else could you lose all that weight?
Exercise and eating in moderation. And get this: I can eat whatever the hell I want.

 

by ivytheplant
1-16-04
This diet is like, the best thing that's ever happened to me.
That's nice. Want a banana?
Ew! Like! Nooo! I just lost 3 lbs and I can't afford to eat aaaall those nasty carbs!
Suit yourself. Can I offer you a bagel? Or perhaps some cereal? Maybe a cookie?
Would you stop?? My diet is complete without all those...wait...did you say cookie? A-as in...chocolate chip?
Yeah, but I wouldn't want to ruin your miracle diet. I'm gonna go make some toast.

 

by ivytheplant
1-16-04
I can't take this low-carb hype anymore.
Yeah it sucks, but what're ya gonna do?
Take them out at the source.
You're going to assassinate Dr. Atkins?
Yes. Yes I am.
*sniff!* There goes a brave woman!

 

by ivytheplant
1-16-04
Ivy disguises herself as Death to gain access to Dr. Atkin's office.
Dr. Atkins! Your time has come!
Ack! *sluuuurp*
Hey...is that ramen?
No! Of course not!
I KNEW it! You don't even follow your own diet! CHEATER!
*sob!* Please don't tell anyone! I'll never do it again! I swear!

 

by ivytheplant
1-16-04
Ivy reveals herself...
I won't tell anyone about your eating habits (on SC maybe) but I will have to kill you.
Wait...you aren't Death! Ha! My empire will endure!
You're right. I'm not Death. I'm IvyThePlant.
I've heard of you. You're the one who...oh shit...
Mr. Golf Club and I would like to discuss the poor nutrition habits you sell to people...
Crap...

 

by ivytheplant
1-16-04
Wow...so you actually killed Dr. Atkins.
Well, his time had come. And I had a duty to the people.
Must be tough though.
"Tough?"
Your first murder and all.
"First?"

 

by ivytheplant
1-16-04
It wasn't really murder. Think of it as a public service.
But aren't you worried about retribution?
Well, there is ONE thing that I'm worried about.
Oh?
Hey Ivy. There's a Mr. Grissom from the crime lab here to see you.

 

by ivytheplant
1-16-04
One city down!
Soon! I shall be master of the world! Bwah ha ha ha haaa!
Not so fast, Obfuscator!
Gasp! It is my old nemesis! The Elucidatrix!

 

by ivytheplant
1-18-04
Wanna come over and watch some movies?
Nah, my rest level is really low so I should get to bed.
"Rest level?"
Um...I mean...I'm tired...
You've been playing Sims again! You are SUCH a geek!
Gah!

 

by ivytheplant
1-19-04
Why in the world are you watching 7th Heaven?
I amuse myself by pondering the reactions of the kids when they discover their parent's dark secrets.
They have dark secrets?
The mom schtupped Captain Kirk in Trek 4 and the dad merged with the Voyager probe and a bald alien sexpot in Trek 1.
And you need to watch it consistently because...?
My view of their squeaky clean image tends to tarnish over the week so I need fresh input. It makes the images so much more satisfying.

 

by ivytheplant
1-20-04
*BZZZZT!*
Wonder how long I can ignore the alarm.
Ivy, time to get up! You don't want to be late for your first day of school!
Too...tired. Can't...reach... golf...club!
Did you stay up all night playing the Sims again?
Maybe if I concentrate hard enough, I can make him go away.

 

by ivytheplant
1-20-04
My GOD, that was the best show ever.
Yeah, I can't believe they ended up detroying the whole city afterwards.
Well, it's been a trademark of theirs.
So, now that it's over, what you wanna do?
Look, you're doing it all wrong. Stroke stroke suck stroke THEN deep throat!
I'm doing the best I can with what I have!

 

by ivytheplant
1-20-04
My GOD, that was the best show ever.
Yeah, I can't believe they ended up detroying the whole city afterwards.
Well, it's been a trademark of theirs.
So, now that it's over, what you wanna do?
17 seconds later...
Sorry man, I just got caught up in all the excitement. I couldn't hold it any longer.
You need to learn deliberation, man.

 

by ivytheplant
1-20-04
My GOD, that was the best show ever.
Yeah, I can't believe they ended up detroying the whole city afterwards.
Well, it's been a trademark of theirs.
So, now that it's over, what you wanna do?
What in the hell is that little thing?
Hey! You wanted to play, don't mock the equipment!

 

by ivytheplant
1-20-04
My GOD, that was the best show ever.
Yeah, I can't believe they ended up detroying the whole city afterwards.
Well, it's been a trademark of theirs.
So, now that it's over, what you wanna do?
Finally...
That was the worst game of dice I've ever played.
Let's go find some dead hookers.

 

by ivytheplant
1-20-04
My GOD, that was the best show ever.
Yeah, I can't believe they ended up detroying the whole city afterwards.
Well, it's been a trademark of theirs.
So, now that it's over, what you wanna do?
I dunno. I don't think anything could top a Yanni performance like that.
I heard John Tesh is playing downtown.

 

by ivytheplant
1-20-04
My GOD, that was the best show ever.
Yeah, I can't believe they ended up detroying the whole city afterwards.
Well, it's been a trademark of theirs.
So, now that it's over, what you wanna do?
I didn't want to say anything, but there's this little boutique on 21st that has this sequined pair of shoes that are to DIE for!
Let's go sift through the rubble. I have been looking EVERYWHERE for a new pocketbook!

 

by ivytheplant
1-21-04
KFC Atkins-Friendly chicken!
Not only is there no carbs in anal-probing, you actually LOSE them with every probe!
Atkins-Friendly Brad! In the freezer isle!
Atkins-Friendly Cockroaches!
Atkins Low-Carb Baby! Can't eat just one!
C'mon kids! Ain't no carbs in me! So go smoke a pack or few!

 

by ivytheplant
1-23-04
1.
Oops.
2.
I've seen bigger.
3.
It's yours.

 

by ivytheplant
1-24-04
1.
What ring?
2.
I saved money by using Windows NT to control all of Jurassic Park's systems.
3.
There is TOO a spoon!

 

by ivytheplant
1-24-04
1.
Rotor turbines do TOO generate gravitons by themselves!
2.
Frankly, I think you're overrated.
3.
I want my donation back.

 

by ivytheplant
1-24-04
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by ivytheplant
1-24-04
Mew.
No!
Mew.
NO!
Mew.
Stop tugging at my heartstrings!

 

by ivytheplant
1-26-04
1.
I cooked a vegetarian meal for you.
2.
I've decided to become Jewish.
3.
For the last time! Rotor turbines DO produce gravitons by themselves!

 

by ivytheplant
1-26-04
1.
Honey, where's the beef?
I cooked a vegetarian meal for you.
2.
I heard you've been seeing entering a synagogue.
I've decided to become Jewish.
3.
Sonny, your father ran away to join the circus so I must pass these family secrets on to you.
For the last time! Rotor turbines DO produce gravitons by themselves!

 

by ivytheplant
1-27-04
What are you doing outside on a beautiful sunny day?
I have no reason to be online for long periods of time anymore.
You're kidding, right?
First MSN Messenger cut service to my OS, then Yahoo Messenger went ballistic, now the SC chat is shut down. There's nothing left but buggy AIM service.
So you're going to go outside in -40 weather instead?
Yeah. Suddenly I feel so free. Think I'll go play golf on the pond.

 

by ivytheplant
1-28-04
Hey, do you wanna come over and make snickerdoodles with me?
Sure! I'll be right over!
What are you snickering at?
Your doodle.

 

by ivytheplant
1-29-04
Heh heh heh.
??
What's up with Ivy? She has a week's worth of junk food in the living room and is snickering eerily.
There's an Engineering Disasters marathon on the History channel.
She sure takes pleasure in disaster.
Just a month after she was born, the Three Mile Island disaster happened. We think she had something to do with it.

 

by ivytheplant
1-30-04
Mooooaaaannnn...
Why isn't mommy up yet?
Ivy stayed up late watching disaster shows. What should we do to her?
Pouncing always works.
I'll get the ice cubes as a backup.

 

by ivytheplant
1-31-04
I need to see the dentist.
Didn't you see the sign? This is CrackaSmileDental! Professional Whitening Syringes $17 Custom Teeth Whitening Trays $55!
Sorry, man. My mistake.
Yeah.
I need to see the dentist.
Right this way!

 

by ivytheplant
2-01-04
Heh heh...
Atomic Wedgie!
Boo-yeah!

 

by ivytheplant
2-01-04
Okay you pixellated primadonna! Prepare to be pounded!
Allitery will get you knowhere, bitch!
Poor punundation on your part won't parry me!
Cease this wretched dialogue!
Perhaps your proficiency was only preposterous pipe phantasy.
ARGH!!

 

by ivytheplant
2-01-04
As a citizen of Ivytopia, I demand that you cease and desist all clowning and clown-related activities.
Awww...you made Bungo a saaaad clown!
You leave me no choice but to destroy you. *Sith Lord windpipe crush*
Choke! *dies*
It was for the good of humanity and the Ivytopian Empire. Let this be a warning to all clowns. Your kind are not conducive to the advancement of humanity.

 

by ivytheplant
2-01-04
In the mystical land of Iowa, long a peaceful place, trouble is brewing...
Prime Minister Silvisaurus! We're under attack!
My God, man! Who could possibly want to attack us?
Utah, sir! They want our rare okra supply!
That's the basis of our economy and food supply!
You do realize you look nothing like a Silvisaurus?
Well you don't look much like an herbivore yourself, mate!

 

by ivytheplant
2-01-04
After defeating P.M. Silvisaurus, the Utah leader, Barosaurus, triumphantly declares his victory.
Well, it appears I have won the day.
It was rather clever of you to send in the Utah Raptor Brigade.
Yes, quite. Those Iowegians never stood a chance against their door-to-door proselytizing.
So what shall we do now that Iowa is ours?
Let's take the okra and go back home. Set up a provisional government or something here. It's rather dull and quite a mess after all those bombs.
Splendid idea.

 

by ivytheplant
2-01-04
The provisional government is installed...
Since I am a right bastard, I believe I shall leave you in charge to clean up this mess.
I'm not even a dinosaur.
Well, you'll just have to work harder then, shan't you?
Can we have our okra back? We'd like to try rebuild our economy with the resources that are rightfully ours.
Sorry, old chap. You can't be trusted to manage the okra yourself. Have at it and remember, Utah will always be watching you Iowegians!
Why did I become a vegetarian?

 

by ivytheplant
2-01-04
President Sharkman gets to work...
Okay, since I'm stuck with this awful job, let's get started. Charmed is on in a couple hours.
Any ideas how you plan to rebuild our economy?
I'm thinking. Hey, whatever happened to P.M. Silvisaurus?
The Utah leader found him hiding in a mammal hole. Disgusting, that. Those filthy mammals should all be killed.
Freaky Lizard Guy, old buddy, I think you stumbled upon the solution. Let's exterminate the mammals and sell them to Utah for exhorbitant sums so we can rebuild our economy.
Very good, sir. I'll go rustle up some out-of-work Deinonychus.

Showing page 7.

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