All comics by kramer_vs_kramer

Profile

 

Blofeldt, that's been four days now. Stop camping on my lawn.
That's it Bond, you've gone too far. Guards! Sieze him!
Guards? I don't see any guards.
Then you are the fool, Bond. Look over there!
Those aren't guards, Blofeldt. That's two garden gnomes and an old action man.
Not just any old action man- he has eagle eyes and a grasping hand!

 

Blofeldt, your Action Man henchman doesn't frighten me in the slightest. Even if he does talk when you pull the string on his back.
-Bzzzt- Action Man to the rescue! I spot enemy with my Eagle Eyes!
-Bzzzt- Action Man to the rescue!

 

So Blofeldt, is that the best you can do? Wave an Action Man figure in my face?
Not at all Bond, your next door neighbour seems quite the careless one with his toys. Now prepare to meet your doom!
Ooh, what are you going to do? Throw a frisbee at me? Pelt me with Army Men?
Much worse, Bond. Now, behold- my newest henchman!
Decepticons!
Correct, Mr Bond! Now give me some martini, or I'll leave YOU shaken and stirred!

 

I hope you enjoyed dinner, Miss Cunto.
Please, call me Snatch. Umm, James, there's a bald man in a tent on your grass. What's he doing? Why is he winking and waving a video cassette?
Yes, that's Blofeldt. I can't get rid of him. He was probably filming us having sex on the dining room table with his camcorder.
And you let him! Oh, James, you sick filthy man. I never want to see you again!
Blofeldt, you bastard!
Yes Bond, I have prevailed. Can I borrow your video player?

 

Damn you Blofeldt. Why do you persist on hanging around my house? It's ruining my love life!
Well Bond, they say keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.
Yes, and?
I haven't got any friends. Will you be my friend?
C'mon! I've got an X-box!

 

Oh Blofeldt- you're my bestest friend in the whole wide world. I love you more than I ever loved Pussy Galore, Octopussy, or Twatty Dougan.
Oh yes Bond. They were all whores, I hope you see that now.
I do, Blofeldt, I do. In fact... I think I love you! Why don't you come on inside and we can get oiled up and wrestle!
Why yes Bond, let's! Let's!
Blofeldt! You sick fuck, what are you doing in my bed! Did you sneak through the window?
Zzzzzz, mmm Bond, wrestle me. Zzzzzz.

 

Hello there mister doggy. Why are you here? Everyone knows what a dog looks like. I want to see a mole in a hole, or monkeys! The monkeys are funny. They always look so happy and gay.
Bloody kids are never impressed. It's not good enough that I'm balanced precariously on this- they expect me to fly or something. Wait! Flying! I've got an idea! I'll show them!
Hey everyone! Look at me! I'm bouncing! I'm so high in the air, wheeee!
Wow! Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Hold on, it's a dog! A flying dog! And he's about to land on that nail!
Aaaaaaaaaaah! I'm burst!
Bloody crap dog. Let's go and see what the monkeys are doing. Hee hee! One's eating a banana!

 

Okay, we've been dating for about a month, but I sense from your complete lack of enthusiasm that you just want to be friends. Is that right?
Yes. Yes it is. Bye then.
With hindsight, I really shouldn't have said that.

 

In an attempt to cushion the blow, I'm now trying to convince myself that she wasn't that great and that it's no big loss.
Work, dammit brain, work!

 

My love life is really shit. If only there was someone out there who could help me.
You called?
Blade? Why are you here? I thought you were a vampire hunter.
I hate to break this to you, dude, but vampires aren't real. I'm your fairy godmother.
If you're a fairy godmother, why do you have a sword and all those guns?
That's how I'm planning on getting you a date.

 

I have to say, I really hated Blade 2. It was crap.
I know, but it pays the bills, doesn't it? I can't get by on fairy godmother wages alone.
Hold on, fairy godmothers get paid? I thought they did it purely for the love of it.
Yeah right! You think I'd be doing this if I didn't get paid?
Something gives me the feeling you're not 100% committed.
Whatever. Now hurry up and make a wish, I've to be at a hockey match in ten minutes.

 

Good evening. I am the Great Whazzam-o, and for my first trick I'm going to pull a rabbit out of my hat!
Bollocks!
Excuse me?
You fucking heard, I said 'Bollocks'. You call that fucking magic? I'm a fucking wizard, I'll show you some fucking magic.
I'll have you know I'm a respected member of the magic circle.
You? Respected? I've seen fucking monkeys do better magic than you. In fact, do you want me to turn you into a monkey? At least then you'll all be at the same fucking level.

 

Okay, if you're such a hot-shot magician, let's see some magic.
You're on, matey. Ala-ka-fucking-zam!
Whoa!
Wow, that was impressive. What did you do there?
I have no fucking idea. I was trying to make a rabbit appear from my sleeve.

 

Al! Thank god you're here. What's going on? Who am I this week, and what do I have to do?
Well, Sam, you're porn star Draco Snatch, and your task is to ensure he safely gets through the filming of "Anal Lesbo Teen Orgy 43".
Oh boy.

 

Al - it's really you! What exciting adventure do I have in store this week?
Well, Sam, you're beauty queen Missy Delonge, and you have to oversee her first sexual experience as she announces her bisexuality.
Oh boy.

 

Hey Al, how's things? What am I up to this week?
Well, Sam. It looks like you're the taste quality inspector at the Smirnoff distillery, and you must taste-test "The Best Vodka Ever"
Oh boy.

 

Al! You gotta help me- where am I? What have I got to do this week?
Well, Sam, you're nightclub boss Jim Lemarr. Tonight's the opening of your new club- you've to make sure none of the coke and sluts go to waste.
Oh boy.

 

Al! What's going on? Whose body am I in this week?
Sam, it looks like you're Bob the Gimp on the day of his record breaking buggery attempt- in the middle of a lubricant shortage.
Shit.

 

Hey Elliot, where'd ET go?
He's using the phone, mom.
Awww, how cute! I'll bet he's trying to contact his home planet.
Yeah, he's the greatest, mom!
Okay, that's Mrs Dougan and Fluffy O'Jizz at 5pm. And you're sure they doesn't mind anal? Excellent, I'll just get the credit card number... Do I have to provide my own lubricant?

 

And I'd like one to bring a strap-on, just in case. Oh yeah, and I'd like them dressed as schoolgirls. And crotchless panties please, all that lace interferes with my probe.
ET! Hey buddy, what are you up to?
EeeeeeTeeeee phone whore.

 

Hmm, the kids don't like brown bread, yet it is better for them.
That is correct. So I have decided to hide grains of tasty goodness in white bread, and give it an exciting name. The kids'll lap it up!
That's a great idea! What sort of exciting name did you have in mind?
Well, I was originally thinking of "Super Bread 23" but I eventually came up with "Mighty White".
Hold on, this tasty goodness in your bread. That wouldn't happen to consist of semen, would it?
You mean there's another kind of tasty goodness?

 

Okay, bitch, here's the deal. You suck my dick, and I'll magic you up a nice fucking ironing board and a new washing machine. Got it?
No way, I'm not having any of your lame boy parts in my mouth. Tither.
Tither? I'll fucking give you tither, bitch! I'll make you tither so hard you'll never want to fucking tither again because you're so fucking tithered out.
Wait a sec. What the fuck is 'tither'?
Damned if I know. Tee hee!

 

Okay, Andy, that bitch wants a fucking tither, I'll give her one. Now someone says you know what it means. Spill the fucking beans, matey!
Well, a tithe is an ancient form of taxation, so I'm guessing a tither is someone who either pays or collects said tax.
So this girl wants me to collect a tax from her? You'd better not be bullshitting me, Dougan, or I'm sending you back to the Dimension of Infinite Crowes.
I swear on my maw's life!
Speaking of your maw, am I still on for tomorrow?
Yep, 11.15, right after One Armed Hobo Jake.

 

Okay, Barky. I'm going to turn you into a medieval tax collector, and you're going to go downtown and kick that little bitch's ass.
Rrrowr? Rax Rollector?
Yeah. She asked for a fucking tither, so she'll get a fucking tither.
Roinks, Raggy! Ricking rarse? Rat's rong!
I'll get away with it too, as long as there's no meddling kids.

 

Look, I'm just about to turn my dog into a tax collector. Who the fuck are you, and what do you want?
I'm a meddling kid, and I've come to stop you!
Houpla!
I wonder why nobody else ever thought of that?

 

Okay, here goes. One tither coming up. Zoinks-a-frumble!
Hold on, you don't look much like a tax collector.
No. I'm Britney Spears, and for some reason I have a strange urge to worship you as my lord and master, and please you in any way you so desire.
But do you know what a tither is?
Is it a new sexual position? I'd love to find out!

 

So, on the plus side, I now have Britney Spears as my sex slave. But I still don't know what a fucking tither is.
Ah, fuck it.

 

Hello. I'm Lou Reed, formerly of the Velvet Underground, and I've instructed my lawyers to sue you for copyright infringement.
Hee hee, you're silly! I made a strip about you, but I couldn't find a Lou Reed character, so your part is played by the phone.
BAWK! I am POO Reed. I'm SO lame and I am CONTROLLED by an Australian megalomanic!
Tither!
Hold on- what the hell was that all about?
Tee hee! Boys are lame!

 

So, how did you enjoy second year, Andy? Hard, wasn't it?
Um, yeah. A bit. I think I did okay, though.
Okay? Okay isn't good enough. In third year I expect you to work 24 hours every fucking day. That's right, I said "fucking".
I see. So are you suggesting I shouldn't take this course, then?
No, no, go ahead. You're guaranteed to fail, though. And I'll find that really fucking funny. That's right, I said "fucking" again.
On second thoughts, I hear the priesthood calling. I'm off to register for that Divinity degree.

 

Haley and Kitty share a Moment...
I love you so much, my darling. Our thoughts take on their own transparent wings that soar through all others conversations. Our intellect exceeds most of those who try to approach us. We're goddesses
Yes. Our theories surpass the thoughts of most we know. But as Victor Hugo says, "To love another person is to see the face of God." Thus explaining our perceptions of one another. Indeed we are.
Then let us be goddesses. Let us drink of each other's beauty and live within a rich paradise.
We will. And we shall. Our intellect and power will fill our veins with purpose. Let the crimson flow...
So... how much for fisting?

 

FUCKITY FUCKING FUCK FUCKER FUCKED FUCKEDDER OFFF TOTHE FUSFCKSFUCK
HAWHAWHHFAFA FUCK FUC KSFUVCKDFJFUFKC UFCKF FUCK
FUCKFUFKCUFKC CUTNTWE FCUTNCUNCUTC
CUNT IS WHAT YOU ARE SEARCHING FOR, GOT ONE. HAW, CANT HAVE IT
With hindsight, they really shouldn't have let Ol' Dirty Bastard guest write an episode of Sesame Street.
FUCKITY HAWHAWHHFAFA FUCK FUCKER PUSSYFUCK FUCKEDDER OFFF CUTNTWE FUSFCKSFUCK

 

I just found some plane tickets on the kitchen table. Are you leaving the country?
Yes, I'm leaving for Australia tomorrow.
Australia, eh? Are you planning to create a giant army of mutant kangaroos which will enslave the entire human race?
Er, not exactly...
What then, evil robots? Destructor rays? Flesh-sucking hose-beasts?
To be honest, I just wanted to get away from you and your godawful singing.

 

On Monday.....
I miss Gary....
By Tuesday......
I miss Gary....
Sherman? It's me- Gary!
I thought I told you to piss off?

 

Hello. Could I interest you in joining the church of Scientology?
I dunno. What do you believe in?
We believe that your body is a vessel for the souls of aliens killed 75 Million years ago by galactic warlord Xenu.
Ha ha ha! That's ridiculous!
Where do I sign?

 

So, Davros is off to Australia, and I have the house ALL to myself.
Time for a wank, I think.

 

G'Day, and welcome to Australia. I'm Bruce, and I will be escorting out of this harsh, lifeless desert, and into town to your luxury hotel. Mate.
No you won't, my Antipodean friend. For today- you DIE!!! Eat destructor ray!
AAAAaaaaaaagh!
Hold on- how am I supposed to find the hotel now?

 

On Friday 7th June 2002, I did possibly the most stupid thing ever.
Do you want to have a threesome with me and my flatmate?
No.
Hold on...

 

I just can't make any sense of this legal document.
Maybe I can help. I have loads of experience in these matters.
Huh? Who are you?
I'm the Es-Crow. Wherever people need legal help, I'll be there. For a reasonable hourly fee.
You look more like an emu than a crow.
I'm a crow, dammit! Don't make me sue your ass for slander.

 

Mistah Dougan! Yousa gotta help me! Two guys kidnapped my friend and murderized her!
And what makes you think I'll be able to help?
You've seen all those detective films. You must be good at solving them by now.
To be honest, I don't really watch those films. I just copy out the press release, and go to the pub.
If you help me, I'll give you a discount on sucky sucky.
I get that anyway. My mother's in the union.

 

You, Dominguez! You kidnapped AsianGirl1!
Dougan! How did you find out?
I have my sources. Now tell me, why would a peacable fellow like you abduct and brutalize an innocent child?
Why do you think, Dougan? We did it for Fuck's Millions.
Fucks Millions? Where have I heard that before?
I think it was your maw's school yearbook entry back in 1947.

 

So let me get this straight. Fuck's dying, and has hidden his fortune somewhere for anyone to find.
Yes, that's it exactly. But nobody's really sure where it is.
But how did Fuck get so much money?
Ah, that's an interesting one. You'll never guess what he did for a living.
Does it involve raping?
Not exactly. He writes those poems you get inside greetings cards.

 

So, I embarked on a quest for Fuck's missing money. My trail led me to the greeting card company, where I was sure he had hidden a clue.
Come to think of it, his job didn't seem so strange. I'm sure I had detected traces of Fuck in several cards I had seen.
But that could just have been because mum kept all her old cards under her mattress.

 

Hi, Andy! You coming to the pub for a pint?
No can do, Kajun. I've got to get to the greeting card factory before it shuts.
I've told you before, they won't print custom "Die, Crowe, Die!" cards. Just accept it.
That's not what I'm going for. Fuck has hidden $50,000,000 somewhere, and I reckon he's hidden a clue in the factory.
Really? Can I come too? I could do with some extra cash, then I'd finally be able to buy some trousers.
That's what you think, my weed-addled friend. For that money is mine- all mine!!!

 

Found anything yet, Andy?
I'd find it faster if you'd help me look, instead of just sitting there with that joint.
Whoa! This is some strong weed!
Kajun- I am speeking to yuo from beynod teh grayv. Teh mony is yoors if you cotninue my wrok as a mad rappist.
Kajun, are you okay? You went a bit funny there.
you fuckin bitch of a hoar!! its unconsenshial sex time!!

 

Well, that's Andy out of the way. It's a shame it had to end like this, but he was standing between me and my money.
I just hope nobody saw me brutally bugger him to death while channelling the spirit of Fuck in a marijuana-induced haze.
RAAAR!! TOBOR LIKE THE CUT OF YOUR JIB!
Shit.

 

I just can't work out these divorce papers. Does him shagging his secretary count as an act of god or misadventure?
Let Es-Crow take care of all your legal troubles. I'm an expert in all kinds of divorce proceedings.
Sorry, who did you say you are?
I'm Es-Crow, the expert legal troubleshooting crow.
And you seriously expect me to take legal advice from a six-foot talking emu? You must be joking.
Crow, dammit! I'm a crow!

 

This sure is a great party, Neal.
Yeah, isn't it?
Shit! Here comes Pimp Dave. He'd better not try and stand next to me!
Yo yo yo boyzes! Whasssup!!!

 

Oh no- Dave can't stand there!
Pete's a gonner!
Ack!
Hey guys, what's going on?

 

It's too late, we've lost him.

 

Pete, are you okay?
He can't hear you, Roger. He's on our side now.
Wiggity wiggity wack. Boyyeee!
That's the spirit, my man!

Showing page 7.

« Previous Next »