All comics by lima

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by lima
6-26-09
Today, top biologists reported the discovery of a type of Jellyfish, Turritopsis Nutricula, that appears to be immortal.
Some scientists speculate that its genes could hold the key to everlasting life for humans.
One day too late, eh Michael?

 

by lima
6-27-09
Carl Wilhelm Bøckmann Barth (1847 – 1919) was a Norwegian painter.
It is said he specialized in marine art.
He drew pictures in his barth.

 

by lima
6-28-09
So what Rocky film do you prefer? B, XLI or LXIXC?
What?
Sorry. I can never spell latin words or numbers right. Ispo Fatco.
What kind of disability is that?
I dunno. Some kind of dyslexia

 

by lima
6-30-09
Radiation in here is pretty lethal
You can tell that just by looking at an odd-shaped clicking dildo?
Yup
Its an H.R. Geiger counter

 

by lima
6-30-09
...so whats the reading?
The first panel says '4.1', the second says '0'/
0? Is that good?
Not really. Its never been above zero ever. Apart from one time last year when it said '1'
Why was that?
Dunno. I was too busy talking to this swiss sculptor.

 

by lima
7-01-09
HOW DO I BECOME A SMURF? HOW CAN I GET TO BE A SMURF?
HOW DO I GET TO BECOME A SMURF? HOW CAN I BE A SMURF?
You can scream 'til your blue in the face...

 

by lima
7-02-09
Last year Molina's a +14 defensive player, which makes him +7 so far this year
...what?
I'm talking sabermetrics
Sabre-metrics? Sword-measuring?
Actually its when grown men get together and argue about baseball statistics
Sword-measuring?

 

by lima
7-03-09
You been getting those emails that tell you tinned-pork contains swine flu?
Yeah, hundreds.
Bloody spam
Bloody spam

 

by lima
7-04-09
Manchester United have signed ex-England international Michael Owen
On the condition that he stops betting on horses.
But how else can he see over the counter?

 

by lima
8-14-09
Christians have a stupid saying that I don't understand:

'There's no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole'
It means that everybody - even atheists - turns to god when facing danger.
Bullshit. Foxes live in foxholes. You mean to tell me they have a religion?
Foxes are protestant
What?
Orange bastards

 

by lima
10-20-09
Defenestration is my new favourite word. It means, literally, to throw something or someone out of a window. De means 'from', whilst Fenestra is latin for 'window'.
So, by logical extention, Deportation must be to throw someone through a door, whilst Deforestation must mean to throw someone out of a tree.
Presumably, Decontamination is when Idi Amin's wife gives birth.

 

by lima
10-20-09
Russian Roulette is for gays. Chilean Roulette is where its at.
Paint your fingers red and green, get a chopping board, a sharp knife and a handful of green and red chilli-peppers. Then chop them up as quick as you can while wearing a pair of 3D glasses.
Its one of the few things in life that's easier to do with your eyes closed.

 

by lima
1-01-10
Cork, Ireland
Wudda been 160 years ago today that most of my ancestors starved to death
During the famine?
Yup.
I had an ancestor who left Ireland during the famine too.
Emigrated?
Nah, he had to transport the potatoes back.

 

by lima
1-10-10
Convicted Swedish murderer Ulf Olsson died today. Olsson was responsible for the 1989 killings of Helén Nilsson and Jannica Ekblad.
He was convicted in 2004 after a DNA test linked him to the two murders.
Fifteen years pass...
Long-dead murder Ulf Olsson's death was today confirmed as suicide after new DNA tests linked the killer to himself.
His sentence has been reduced as technically this means he gave himself up.

 

by lima
1-10-10
You alright?
I... I'm shocked. Torbjørn Yggeseth is dead...
Toblerone Eggshell?
Torbjørn Yggeseth. He's a ski-jumper. I can't believe it. Passed away peacefully at 75 years old.
He should have died in agony upside down in a tree fifty years ago.

 

by lima
1-10-10
Togolese football coach Améleté Abalo will be remembered as a coach who saw his opportunities to change football for the better pass him by.
He should have played Assimiou Touré at full back. Moustapha Salifou would be better suited to a wider berth on the wing...
..and he should have used Emmanuel Adebayor as a human shield.

 

by lima
1-11-10
So, you stole a little girl's diary and locked her in an attic for five years?
So you hid Anne Frank from the Nazis did you?
You again?!

 

by lima
1-12-10
Me and a few friends had a few drinks yesterday, and then proceeded to try and figure out an answer to P vs NP
We got some chart paper, a few calculators and pencils, rented some books on the subject and scoured the internet for tips from the finest minds in mathematics.
We got as far as failing to understand the question.

 

by lima
1-14-10
I think you'll find its pronounced 'Merlot'. Its French.
Yup, and the French pronounce it Mer-lot. Both syllables stressed.
Thing is, stressing both parts a word sounds alien to my English tongue, so I transpose such words into my own dialect. Like 'Cliche', for example.
It's still wrong, of course, but it makes more sense than only pronouncing the final part of the word, like some gargantuan wrong-cocked twat.
...I think I'll go for the Rioja
Good choice sir.

 

by lima
1-25-10
I'm God, and Life was my idea
I was walking through central Europe and right at the German border I fell down a huge ravine into an abyss and thought, you know what?
We should put a Belgium here

 

by lima
2-06-10
I don't like gay gang-bangs
They put the willies up me.

 

by lima
2-08-10
So I quit my job at the Helium factory today. I don't like people talking to me in that tone of voice!
Helium factory? A factory that makes Helium?
The only way to make Helium is to fuse Hydrogen, and the only way to do that is to compress it so much that it combusts with all the pent up energy.
Stars are the only things in the universe that can be described as a Helium factory. So you worked in one did you? Thats stupid. You're stupid.
There's Helium in the sun? I always wondered why it was so high up
GRAVITY DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY

 

by lima
2-19-10
I maked you a present. I put it in the toilet.
Thats nice dear. Why, I wonder what it is.
Its brown. And it rhymes with... snoop.
Oh I see.
Is it Dr. Dre?

 

by lima
3-06-10
Roses are red...
Violets are blue...
I have attention deficit disorder....
and y

 

by lima
4-26-10
"The idea, or concept of, keeping one's witticisms to a certain degree of brevity is in itself the central facet of the art of deriving the intrisic humour from any situation"
Feces of a male bovine creature.

 

by lima
4-27-10
Poisoned? But I am.. was.. the great King Cattlegrid the Cautious! I test all my drinks for poison with the most accurate of litmus tests!
We looked at the sample ourselves. 'Twas an acid with a PH level of minus two.
What! But why didn't the litmus paper change colour?
It did
It went infra-red

 

by lima
4-28-10
Bonjour! Et bienvenue au PFK!
PFK? P. F. K.? That'd be, what, Poulet Fricosse de Kentucky, or some such, right?
Poulet Frit Kentucky, actualment, et pourriez vous parlez en francaise sil vous plait!
Right... right. Because this is Quebec, and the French for 'KFC' is roughly 'PFK'. Madam, do you know what they call KFC in France?
Uh..
'KFC'

 

by lima
5-05-10
..so as you can see, our new logo is simply inimitable
Iminitable? Great
No, not 'iminitable', I said 'inimitable'
And I said 'iminutable'
Iminutable, Stanley
Oh, sorry

 

by lima
5-07-10
Looks pretty bad here. We should move a few of you guys with guns to another trench, maybe over there somewhere.
How many troops and to what co-ordinates, Sir?
Don't look at me, I'm just a General

 

by lima
5-24-10
What are the 9 toilets for?
I heard Slipknot needed a number 2

 

by lima
5-24-10
"All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players; They have their exits and their entrances."
That quote's from Shakespeare, right?
Almost. Shakespeare has Jaques say it in 'As You Like It', but the phrase was as hackneyed to Shakespeare's audiences as it is to ours.
Like 'Wake up and smell the coffee'?
Yes, like 'Wake Up and smell the coffee. It's a cliche, but that doesn't mean it doesn't contain a grain of truth.
I can smell coffee. I wonder if someone's having lunch.

 

by lima
5-24-10
The world is indeed like a stage. Its players - its people - are actors. They wake up and enter the stage, and they carry out the scenes which make up the plots of their lives.
I was never much of an actor myself. I don't think I could wake up on a stage. So much pressure..
Exactly, but if an actor doesn't go out on stage, can he even wake up in the morning and call himself an actor?
Meaning?
Meaning if you spend your time sleeping..
You can't live..

 

by lima
5-24-10
Exactly. Even if you don't want to face the audience, you have to get up, get up and get on the stage. You have to wake up and give your performance to an audience who loves you
Well, you know, some people can't. I read that victims of rape, or torture, or abuse can often refuse to wake up.
But they have to
The trauma they suffered.. they can't wake up, they can't face the world, and in their subconscious they chose to stay comatose.
But..
Their coma. Their dream, it's a safe place, and in their dreams they create simplified versions of their lives, without even a hint of what may have caused their distress.

 

by lima
5-24-10
But it isn't real. You can't hide away, waiting in the wings, sensing the other actors and hearing the crowd but not waking up and giving them the performance they need from you.
It's much better to live
Their friends can try to send them messages, coded messages for the victim to decipher from their safe place.
To wake up and embrace life..
To please wake up

 

by lima
6-14-10
England threw away a lead against the United States after a mistake by goalie Rob Green
Green was said to be so distraught that, after leaving the stadium, he threw himself under a bus.
Luckily, it skimmed off his knee and went past him
We asked some local fans for their opinion on the incident.
They were quoted as saying "BRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRR"

 

by lima
3-15-11
The GHC Tag-Team Championship is a pro-wrestling tag-team title in Japan
The belts' inaugral holders were Scorpio and Vader, back in 2001. They've since lost out, however, to the current champions...
Earthquake and Typhoon

 

by lima
3-16-11
Moody National Bank (MNB) is a nationally chartered bank, founded in 1907, that is based in Galveston, Texas, USA
Moody National? Ridiculous.
A stupid name. What do they do?
Sulk at your savings? Mope at your mortgage? Do you have to pay hidden Exhasperation Charges?
Moody
National Bank:
We are the
Miser in Miserable

 

by lima
4-25-23
San Félix de Arce is a locality in León province, Spain. As of 2020, it has a population of 22.
Should you marry your man there? Sure, but...
Only if felix de arce

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