All comics by ragu4u

 

by ragu4u
10-26-08
These uni-sex restrooms make me very uncomfortable.
You? Just think how nervous I get trying to pee into a urinal.
She does have a point.
And please assure me that you guys don't ALWAYS shit in the sinks.
Sorry...no can do.
I'll learn to hold it.

 

by ragu4u
10-26-08
I need you to answer a few questions, sonny.
You callin ME sonny?
What? Would ya rather I call ya sunshine?
I'm truly sorry you said that for I must now go "Kung Fu" on yer fat ass.
Obviously, you must have learned your bad ass moves from Jackie Mason and NOT Jackie Chan!
Sonny is the name; answers is the game.

 

by ragu4u
10-26-08
He sees our need....
Why is just "being God" NEVER enough for those people?
It's that "human nature" thing, Lord.
...and fulfills it!
You'd think a man of my stature wouldn't have to hold two jobs.
Your outfit looks tight! Must be all that Angel Food cake, Lord.

 

by ragu4u
10-27-08
Office of the DMV
...but you mean I have to wait in line again?
Sorry! No photo I.D. no service.
After waiting and waiting and waiting
What now?
I can't help you. You don't match your photo I.D.

 

by ragu4u
10-27-08
Ms. Finkstinger, please come into my office.
Certainly, Mr. Sockucker.
Have you noticed Ms. Petwussy acting strangly lately.
No stranger than Mr. Shaveballer.
The reason I asked is that something odd happened when I sent her to buy me a new sere sucker suit from "Cox's".
I bet I know what happened. She bought you a cocksucker's suit from "Sears" by mistake, right?

 

by ragu4u
10-28-08
Hey dude, we only need to go through the window to get in. Why not just use the bat?
Cause he bit me last time, that's why!

 

by ragu4u
10-28-08
Man! Do you smell what I'm smelling?
It's coming from behind the door to the lab. It's the most unglody and putred odor I've ever smelled. We better go in & check it out.
Oh my GOD! Look at that thing! This gaseous cloud that surrounds it smells hideous.
It's not of this earth. We must find our way to the door and when the gas clears the EPA and S.W.A.T can come in a kill this creature.
Wusses... I guess they NEVER eat boiled eggs for lunch.

 

by ragu4u
10-28-08
May I help you?
Yes. I need some new slacks. Do you carry size 28 Husky?
No. But I do think we might find you a nice 50 extra slim.
Extra slim, eh? Sounds perfect!
Sorry that didn't work out sir.
Maybe a 29 robust? Or possibly, a 52 ultr- lean?

 

by ragu4u
10-28-08
Now with breaking news, we go to Sniff Bunghole downtown at the dry cleaners with Larry. What's up, Sniff?
At the downtown dry cleaners
Yeah, I'm Larry. What about it? You some kinda nosey ass terrorist like Obama?
It HAS been reported you are spreading rumors to that effect about the noble, wise, well spoken, intelligent, charismatic, man of the people, Barrak Obama.
Not that I'm biased in any way, mind you.
Eat shit & die, Sniff.

 

by ragu4u
10-28-08
What do you mean, there will be no Pinata at Butch's birthday party?
Now calm down, dearest. I've arranged something chock full of even more goodies he'll like.
You're sure he'll like it?
Positive! Now get to sleep.
Party Day
Hack away, Butch. Whatever spills out is ALL yours.
You da best daddy, ever!

 

by ragu4u
10-29-08
Excuse me little fellow. Did you...
Now where is my axe?
..possibly...
Yikes! You scared the holy living fuck out of me you stupid looking jerk!
...misplace this (chop) nice sharp (chop) bloody (chop) freakin axe?
Hey! Ow! Stop..ugh HELP!!!

 

by ragu4u
10-29-08
Perfect. This ought to do it. 3...2...1...blast off!
Wow, what a blast. Where's my telescope to assess the damage? Oh..here it is...
..aw shit!
Beep! Beep!

 

by ragu4u
10-29-08
..of kidneys, guns & potatos...
So I asked Spud to build me a swimming pool.
Yeah? What shape?
I told him to use the most popular shape.
OK...what shape was that?
It wound up being shaped like a potato.
Instead of a kidney? That must be when you shot him, right?

 

by ragu4u
10-29-08
Joe's Auto Repair
I'm sorry sir. We don't allow customers in the shop area while their cars are being fixed.
Joe's Auto Repair
Yeah..That's so we don't see the clowns you have doing the slipshod work back there.
I beg your pardon. We use only the best mechanics.
back in the shop
Damn it BOZO! Don't send me out to test drive these things till AFTER you put in the oil!
Screw this "Head Mechanic" job. I'm going back to making balloon animals.

 

by ragu4u
10-30-08
Because, you see, not only do I own "Hair Club For Men"...
...but I'm a member as well!
Hey, he looks much better now, but I'd go for something with a much narrower part.

 

by ragu4u
10-30-08
I'm Henry the VIII, I am. Henry the VIII I am, I am. I got married to......
I'm a one eyed, one horned, flying purple people eater. One eyed one horned...
And I think it's gonna be a long, long time till touchdown...
This is the dawning of the age of Aquarias, age of Aquarias...
The warden through a party in the county jail. The prison gang was there and they began to....
Enough, already with the singing! This is a Halloween party, not "American Idol".

 

by ragu4u
10-30-08
Oh sweet Allah, no!
This is a stick up! Fork over all your kidneys and a potato deluxe.
Lucky for me he hasn't seen my hidden camera.
Make it snappy...and...
...why is the eye of that potato rotating back & forth?
72 virgins, here I come!

 

by ragu4u
10-30-08
You...over there? I was told I could get some nice kidneys here.
Nah. No kids knees today but I do have a slew of nice arms below the elbow.
I'm not fallin for that bait & switch routine, buster. I came for an organ so don't try & sell me a piano.

 

by ragu4u
10-30-08
Just look at it fly! It's all in how I snap my wrist when I throw it.
Hey man! It flew right passed me. How was I supposed to catch THAT?
It's a "BOOM-A-ARM", stupid! You aren't supposed to catch it. I am.

 

by ragu4u
10-30-08
Grrrr!
Get in here, dog. Caesar Milan "The Dog Whisperer" will cure you of your evilness.
I don't understand. You are the most obidient, well behaved and nicely trained dog I have ever seen. Your master must be mistaken.
So he says nothing is wrong with you and STILL charges me $1000.00 What a phoney. He just doesn't see you like I see you.
Get moving, "Master" or these horns are going up your ass so far they'll cut your tounge.

 

by ragu4u
10-31-08
This letter required another stamp sir. I'll need 42 more cents, please.
No way! Here, have a cup of coffee & we'll discuss it.
I said..."THAT'LL BE 42 MORE CENTS, MOTHER FUCKER!
Maybe a warm milk would be better.

 

by ragu4u
10-31-08
You'll keep wearing that dumb mask and painters smock until you learn to stop making such a mess.
How come you stay so clean and get to dress so cool?
"Reaper's Union" Local 13. You're gonna sign up, right?
No way! Unions are for suckers.
Local 13 will offer there condolences to your family for your abrupt demise.

 

by ragu4u
10-31-08
He just checked out my ass.
She just checked out my ass.
Hey!
I notice that you were checking out my ass.
Your ass reminded me...I'm looking for a lesbian bar.
How awkward is THIS?

 

Don't worry. These sting operations are my specialty.
That's the buzz, alright!
by ragu4u, 10-31-08

 

by ragu4u
11-01-08
How's the crop this year gramps?
Well boy, I pert near might make a fortune this season.
Did ya have a bumper crop this year or what?
You bet, boy. The buyer should be here any minute to take another load to market. Oh, here he is now.
I'm here for the 5000 kidney replacements I ordered.
Got a truck load of those "Idaho Russets" ready to go fer ya right here.

 

by ragu4u
11-01-08
So, you got left stranded again, right?
He has a problem, ya know.
Hey, we're here now. Better late than never, lard ass.
Drinking AGAIN, huh? That nose is a dead give away.
Well? Who's it gonna be? The meter's running, fat boy.
Rudy has got to get into AA. These cab fares are killin me.

 

by ragu4u
11-01-08
Why do you treat me like a cheap sex object?
Maybe it's got something to do with...
...you flaggin down my car & offering me a "Half & Half" fer $5.
If you knew me would you treat me better?
Shut up bitch. Times a wastin. You'll only see $4 now.

 

by ragu4u
11-01-08
It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, a beautiful day in the beauty...would you be mine?
Could you be mine?
Won't you be my....
You best not be gonna say "bitch", mother fucker!

 

by ragu4u
11-01-08
Oh baby that was the biggest, meatiest, most throbbing piece of meat I've ever had.
Thank ya, darlin!
Oh damn. My husband is coming up the stairs.
Get dressed & don't let him in till I get under the bed.
Damn that Viagra!
Quick, think about your mother...naked.

 

by ragu4u
11-01-08
Well, if'n that don't beat all. I gots ta tell the manager bout this.
Thar I was, squating to take a dump, when all the sudden like, the terlette done started blastin water up'n my anal cavity, by gum.
Why sir, that was your bidet! It's meant to soothe and cleanse ones chaffed anus after excretion.
Oh yes, and I just explained to your father the proper use and function of the bidet in the bathroom of your suite.
The bidet? Ya mean that thar squatty drinkin fountain?

 

by ragu4u
11-02-08
Now we're GOOD and lost. We'll have to ask for directions.
Are you positive?
Area 54? Ha...that's a myth. There is no area 54.
But if Sci-Fi is your bag, the Texaco station, 10 miles south, has terrific "Moon Pies".

 

by ragu4u
11-02-08
Mommy...will the church be empty AGAIN this Sunday?
Who knows, Maggie. Father Joe sure tries his best to gets folks to come.
Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! Step right up sonny & c'mon inside. Call your family & friends.
What now, Father Joe?
A new Mass every hour. 8am will be "Hip-Hop". 9am, Country Western. 10am, POP. 11am Classical and then at noon, the biggy...Polka.
Polka, huh? Dad likes that one. He played polka with his buddies till 3am this morning.

 

by ragu4u
11-02-08
What do you call a black man who runs for president?
A dark horse! hehe
And if he wins, where would he live?
In the "OFF WHITE" House! hehe
What the hell are we laughing about?
We like "Black" comedy, I reckon.

 

by ragu4u
11-02-08
Did you vote absentee for Obama in the mail yet bro?
Yeah...and did I get a deal or what?
How so?
I found out you get a break on postage if you mail in bulk so I mailed 500 instead of my normal 250.

 

by ragu4u
11-02-08
Did you see McCain on SNL last night?
I chose to pass. He's a bit too "cheeky" for me.
Ba-dum-bump!
Uh huh!

 

by ragu4u
11-02-08
I wonder?
C'mon sweet thing. Don't make him wear a rubber when you screw him. He'll LOVE you if you don't
But on the other hand...
Abstinance, my child, abstinance. Intercourse before marriage is a sin.
Well then that's it, no intercourse for me. To stay pure I'll just have to give him a blow-job.
Rats....We both lose, kinda-sorta.

 

by ragu4u
11-02-08
Don't bother. I already been bled out by that damn kidney thief.
But how's bout some nice chives & bacon bits?
To suck, or NOT to suck....THAT is the question?
And fresh garlic butter?
I'll have to go with..."NOT".

 

by ragu4u
11-02-08
So young fella, your dad is "THE" Tony the Tiger?
Yeah, but he hasn't liked me much since he caught me eatin "Honeycomb".
Eating a rival cereal must have been devastating to him, huh.?
Hey...I"M Honeycomb, and who said you could talk to my bitch?
Oh crud. Where are me "Lucky Charms" when I need em?

 

by ragu4u
11-02-08
Angry Mike at the PTA Meeting
Go %&#$ yourselves, you rotten pieces of %$#&! You can all &%$# my $%#&!
And further more...
Quick, someone cut the mic. Cut the mic. Oh no, not THAT!
...I'll %$&# the $%^# out of every woman in here.
Butch cut Mike! Butch cut Mike real good!

 

I must say, you've got that technique, nailed.
by ragu4u, 11-02-08

 

by ragu4u
11-02-08
Do you sware to tell the truth..the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
This a biggy. Me better think a minute.
Well Butch, if you screw with him you'll be sorry for the rest of your life. But if you screw with me you'll be sorrier than that, forever.
I guess me no can call lifeline, huh? hehe
I'm waiting, Mister!
Can I pass on this one?

 

No, you must keep using the sword, Gabriel.
I'll bet if you were Asian you'd let me use num-chuks.
by ragu4u, 11-02-08

 

by ragu4u
11-03-08
Any idea what caused the big slowdown of donor entries at "stripcreator.com"?
I sure got (hic) my supsisions.
And?
It's cause the donors don't (hic) donate.
Well in that case, I'll donate. Which would they rather have...a kidney or a baked potato?
I wonder if "The United Way" gets this kinda grief?

 

by ragu4u
11-03-08
I wonder why it always is that the polls need to stay open longer in Democratic districts?
It's simple.
Oh it is? Really?
Yeah. When each Democrat gets to vote 5 times it does eat up the clock and causes quite the backup.
At the polls in Demsville
Don't forget to pick up the ballots from St. Peter & Paul Cemetary"!
I'll get on it right after we get all the pets registered.

 

by ragu4u
11-03-08
I can't believe he actually called & asked me if I'd be able to handle the whole load if he gave it to me. What kind of girl does he think I am anyway?
uh...
He probably thought you were the kinda girl who...
...answers the phone at a trash removal & disposal service.

 

Ohhh..."HE" walks with me and "HE" talks with me and "HE" tells me I am "HIS" own!
This sure didn't work out the way ya planned, did it kid? Looks like ya kinda got yer "HE'S" mixed up!
by ragu4u, 11-03-08

 

by ragu4u
11-03-08
Don't you make it a practice of hiring the disabled ,sir?
Ok.....Here we go with the "Oh pity me, I'm disabled" routine.
But...
Just because you can't jackoff and hold a Pepsi at the same time doesn't make you disabled. Now beat it. No pun intended.
None taken, mother fucker!
Freeloading parasite!

 

by ragu4u
11-03-08
So Obama's grandma died today, huh?
Yeah and it's too bad too.
How so?
She was about the only relative he has left who wasn't being deported as an illegal alien.

 

Little help here?
Somebody bring over a claw hammer. We're gonna need it in voting booth #3.
by ragu4u, 11-03-08

 

And the winner was....?
Now you make sure the Senator's 62 Impala with the pimped out stereo system and hydraulics is clean and ready to roll.
And I'll make sure there's plenty of "Hennesey" and Rick James music on board, too.
by ragu4u, 11-03-08

Showing page 7.

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