All comics by areallystupidguy

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by areallystupidguy
11-24-04
isn't my latest invention like, the coolest thing ever?
i dunno...nothing quite beats the feeling of getting gummed by a manatee.
gummed?
i like porpoises too!

 

by areallystupidguy
12-03-04
what do you want for christmas this year?
A BILLION DOLLARS!
come on, be a little more realistic.
hmm, more realistic...more realistic....
a MILLION dollars.

 

by areallystupidguy
12-05-04
dude, what the hell is that you're snorting?
crushed up spiders.
ah....i can feel it working!
this party sucks.
man, i can't feel my arms! this is some trippy shit, dude!

 

by areallystupidguy
12-12-04
dude, i'm so stoned.
dude, you just said that.
dude, i'm so stoned.
DUDE! SHUT THE FUCK UP! YOU JUST SAID THAT, YOU ASS SOCK!
dude, i'm so stoned.
dude, i'm so stoned.

 

by areallystupidguy
12-19-04
you know what i hate? lounge music.
you know what i hate? lupus.
yeah, lupus does suck. man, that makes my stupid complaint seem so unimportant.
indeed it does.
THANKS, LUPUS AWARENESS MAN!

 

by areallystupidguy
12-19-04
CONTESTANT NUMBER FOUR, YOUR WORD IS....LUPUS!
L-U-P-U-S.
CORRECT! *applause*
LUPUS AWARENESS MAN, YOUR WORD IS...CANCER!
what the fuck is cancer?

 

by areallystupidguy
12-19-04
hey there kids, i'm here to talk to you about a topic that's very near and dear to my heart: lupus. lupus is a degenerative skin disease which can lead to-
i've got a question.
yes?
can i get lupus from having sex with an infected person?
probably not, but lupus people gnerally aren't too attractive anyway, so you shouldn't worry about it.
i'm telling my boyfriend you said that, asshole.

 

by areallystupidguy
12-19-04
lupus is really awful. i mean, seriously.
hey, you look really familiar. are you that stupid freshman who knocked me over in the lunchroom yesterday?
yes.
WHAT ARE YA GONNA DO ABOUT IT?! HUH?! HUH?! I'M LUPUS AWARENESS MAN!

 

by areallystupidguy
12-19-04
lupus is really a terrible thing. it's important that our youth, as well as the rest of society understands this horrible disease which has taken so many lives in our fine world.
hi, i'm cancer awareness man. i'd like to talk to you for a few minutes about cance-
be quiet. i could care less about anything you have to say.
*zzzzzz*

 

by areallystupidguy
12-23-04
dude, this stuff is RANCID!
hey, if you don't want the love potion i can take it back, you know.

 

by areallystupidguy
12-23-04
hey raindrop, what kind of cookies do elves like?
STRAWBERRY!
um, no...that's uh.. no. wow.
really? i doubt there's anything on earth that doesn't like strawberry cookies!
the answer is shortbread, raindrop. short. bread.
MAN, DO I LOVE COOKIES!

 

by areallystupidguy
12-23-04
you sure have been acting strangely lately, raindrop!
have i? GIGGLE GIGGLE! I'M A SAMURAI!
yes, you have! now, i want you to be totally honest with me about this. do you have a drug problem?
OF COURSE NOT! WHAT WOULD EVER GIVE YOU THAT IDEA?
the little things, like how you passionately scream "COCAINE!" during our lovemaking sessions.
that can be explained.

 

by areallystupidguy
12-23-04
so, how's the meeting your parents are having doing?
poorly, i'm bored as hell.
dude, why don't you come over to my place for a party? WE'VE GOT BOOZE AND GIRLS AND ALL THE DRUGS YOU COULD WANT! 406 EAST STREET, MAN!
dude! holy shit!
yeah, it's really awesome.
it's not that, i have the speakerphone on. you guys might want to break it up fast because i'm sure my parents heard that.

 

by areallystupidguy
12-26-04
hey raindrop! what do you call a quick-witted pop star?
i don't know, skull! what DO you call a quick-witted pop star?
and so there was never a bite size skull and raindrop show again.
GAH! i can't keep doing this bite size show! too confining! i'm claustrophobic! the walls are closing in on me! ARGH!
*hyperventilation noises*

 

by areallystupidguy
12-27-04
well, we're now ready to begin the stomach surgery.
the what?
*sigh* the TUMMY surgery.
OH. right!

 

by areallystupidguy
12-30-04
dude! dude! okay..*snicker* alright.... wait till you hear this! *chuckle* tee hee!
what? what's so funny?
*snort* ...CHALUPA! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
WHAT?! WHAT IS IT!? WHAT'S SO FUNNY?!
chalupas are funny...

 

hi there once again, raindrop old chum! what do you call a seasick ex-member of van halen?
raindrop?
so gorgeous, are you single?
yes.

 

dude, did you fart on me?
yeah. sorry man.
i wasn't complaining.

 

did i tell you that i'm working on a book?
no.

 

so raindrop, where have you been this past...few months?
...nowhere.
oh REEEEALLY? then what's that NEW TATTOO say?! it says BEN doesn't it?! in a HEART! HEART!
oh..uh...that's...
you don't NEED to explain yourself, raindrop! we're THROUGH!
but skull...i...

 

hey mom, i really need to lose some weight.
oh, so you're going on a diet or something?
actually, i was wondering if you could give me a ride to the organ donation center.

 

True story:
why do black people put out their garbage in clear plastic bags?
i dunno.
so the puerto ricans can go window shopping!
haha! i get it! REEKIN'!
i hate you.
okay, okay, tell it to me again.

 

HI KIDS! I'M LUPUS ROCKS MAN!
i love lupus rocks man!
THAT'S RIGHT, KIDS! LUPUS ROCKS MAN ACTIVELY SUPPORTS LUPUS! YOU'RE JUST NOT COOL THESE DAYS UNLESS YOU HAVE LUPUS!
oh my god! what am i gonna do?
QUICK, LICK MY OPEN WOUNDS! LET'S PRAY IT CAN BE TRANSMITTED THAT WAY!
*lick lick*

 

hold it right there, lupus rocks man! i'm going to stop your evil deeds once and for all!
oh really? what kind of guitar do you have, lupus awareness FAG?
oh, well, i'm still just a beginner. i use a fender.
really? i have a les paul.
HOORAY FOR LUPUS ROCKS MAN!
he's strong....TOO strong.

 

look mayor, we need to have a talk.
'bout what?
i want to be paid fairly for the work i do, protecting this city. i demand a raise, because to be honest, at the moment i'm in completely unworkable payment conditions.
don't get greedy, mister! you were granted quite a hefty reward for the last time you saved the day!
i finished your reward in 4 bites.
then take smaller bites! NEXT!

 

so my cousin, he's a, a... um...
crap, what's that other word for 'gypsy'?
uh, i dunno...
MIDGET. that's it, he's a MIDGET.

 

hey man, can i borrow your vintage wwII machine gun to kill all the members of the band Brand New?
sure, pal
by areallystupidguy, 5-14-05

 

ah, you've got a watch, what time is it?
OH MY GOD, IT'S 3:33!
WE'RE HALFWAY TO THE DEVIL!

 

alright, now let's go over the answers to yesterday's test.
8 is D, 9 is A, 10 is C-
TENNESSEE?!
yes, ten is C.
HAHAHA! THAT'S AWESOME!

 

okay, the first thing we've gotta do is get rid of this lifeless and uninspired wall sculpture and add some COLOR!
you mean my toothbrush holder?
whatever. i call it avant garde BULLSHIT!

 

hello everyone! me and raindrop have finally sorted out our relationship issues and are ready to do the show once again!
...
so raindrop, what's it called when a bison borrows money?
...i'm pregnant.
nope! it's a BUFFALOAN! HAHAHAHA!
i hope that means you're taking responsibility for it.

 

why should i take responsibility just because YOU got pregnant?! YOU'RE the one sleeping with every tom, dick, and harry in america!
you're so full of crap! god, i can't believe you! do you actually believe i'd cheat on you?!
you'd better believe it, you cheap whore!
this is why you'll never get your solo comedy career of the ground, you worthless shit! not taking any responsibiliy for your actions!
YOU DON'T THINK I CAN DO IT?! WELL THEN I'M LEAVING! I'LL PROVE YOU WRONG, YOU HORRIBLE BITCH!
SEE IF I CARE! MAYBE WITH YOU GONE I'LL ACTUALLY GET THIS SHOW SOME DECENT RATINGS!

 
can someone lower the microphone for me a little bit? anybody?

 

okay kids, meet lance! he will replace skull on our show, indefinitely! say hello, lance!
you look very beautiful tonight, miss raindrop. will you be so kind as to accompany me back to my apartment after the show, so we might share a relaxing evening together?
i'll show you the shrine i built in my living room in your honor, covered with pictures of your lovely self. because i do love you so, oh beautiful miss raindrop.

 

man, great show, huh?
i thought we were in trouble when people got so mad at my terrible comedy that they burned your club down, but that could definitely be interpreted as a good thing!
i'd pay for the damages, but you know how it is when you're broke.
you'll never work in this town again.

 

i only have 30 seconds to get to the bomb and deactivate it before the entire children's hospital is blown to pieces!
nice try, can't eat spicy foods man, but let's see you eat your way through this BOWL OF EXTRA HOT CAJUN-STYLE GUMBO!
b-but...i can't EAT spicy foods! NOOOOOOOOOOO!
HAHAHAHAH!

 

thank goodness, it's BRICK BREATH! can you take this heart to the hospital ASAP? a little girl could DIE if she doesn't get this transplant in time!
what can i do? my only superpower is to breathe bricks.
what? you brea-
yes. i fucking breathe bricks.
i...i see. well then, do you have a car i can borrow or something?
nope, somebody beat me up and stole it.

 

my dear miss raindrop, i'd love more than anything to take you home, cut you into pieces, and masturbate on your remains. you MUST be mine FOREVER! oh gracious, did i just say all that out loud?
yes.
so how about it?

 

hyuck hyuck, ah'm gonna destroy this whole swamp with mah little rocket! ah done figger it'll start an aryan revolution, or sumthin.
i reckon i'll just go warsh mah hands in the swamp 'fore i ressurect the third reich.
WHO WILL STOP THIS MADMAN?!
shucks.

 

hey buddy, wanna buy some drugs?
sure. i've hit rock bottom as it is. how much?
gotcha! for your information, i'm an undercover cop!
oh, shit!
that means my prices are higher.

 

what seems to be the trouble here, ma'am?
oh thank god! it's lupus awareness man! you got here just in time! grab me, i'm gonna fall!
i'm actually just here to educate you on the vast harm the threat of lupus delivers to society.
oh no, i can't hold on much longer! please man, i've got a husband and 4 kids!
FOUR kids? that's NOTHIN! you know how many children die of lupus every day?! insensitive bitch!
AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaa...

 

miss raindrop, i have shocking news for you.
can it wait? we're in the middle of a show here.
i'm afraid not. you see, miss raindrop, the tests came back positive. you're 3 months pregnant.
that could have waited for a commercial break.

 

what do you call an armless guy from nevada? THOMAS EDISON!
that doesn't make any sense.
you don't get it? see, thomas edison was a HUGE soccer fan! but in nevada, they don't like soccer! and thomas edison wore a necktie! a really long one! don't you see the irony in all that?
alright, shut up.
but i didn't even get to explaining the 'armless' part!
YOU FUCKING SUCK, MAN.

 

r-raindrop! you...you came for me!
i had to, skull. you need to come back to the show. we need you. the ratings are diving with lance in your place. the fans demand skull!
i see. is that...is that the only reason you want me back? the show?
well... no. you see skull, i'm pregnant with your child. i was hoping we could settle down for now, take care of this baby.
goodness, of course raindrop! because, because i LOVE you!
i love you too, skull. forever and a day.

 

well raindrop, you know i'd love to hop on a train and head home this very minute... but i've still got a gig to complete.
hee hee! well skull, why don't you and i finish this gig TOGETHER? just like the good old days?
GET OFF THE FUCKING STAAAAAAGE! LOOOOOSEEEERRR!
shut up, cunt.

 

so, what can you tell me about your childhood?
it was terrible. i was bullied constantly and harshly. i was even beaten up eight times in the second grade alone!
wow...that's a lot.
i survived.
but damn, eight times? where were the teachers?
beating me up.

 

hello, and welcome to our fine restaurant. would you like to see a menu?
nah, i brought my own.
let's see...i'll have the buttered cabbage wafers with extra houston sauce, please.
uh...we don't serve that.
are you saying my menu is no good here?

 

OW! fucking poison ivy!
muahahaha!
by areallystupidguy, 8-26-05

 

whew! sorry you were on hold so long, man! that was robbie!
robbie! i remember him! is he doing good?
yeah! he got a heat rash!

 

sup, g! what's going down, homie? just whipped out my nine and busted a few caps on some nigga's ass! aw yeah, gimme some SKIN, brotha!
want a piggyback ride?

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