All comics by Moturd

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by Moturd
3-02-20
Dating you is highly irregular. I'm pretty sure it's against the rules of my order.
I don't care. I'm madly in love with you.
It has to be against the rules of your organization too.
Know how many fucks I give?
Nun

 

by Moturd
3-04-20
Guess what? The Earthlings gave up looking for us!
Seriously?
Ha ha. Lightweights!
So who's it now?
Hey guys come out. Olly olly oxen free!

 

by Moturd
3-07-20
I heard you buy your pony Guiness in a pub.
Aye, the one on mane street.
Does he ever get rowdy and stirrup any trouble?
A bit.
What gave you the idea to liquor him up?
Because while the sheep don't mind, the horse seems to need liquid encouragement.

 

by Moturd
3-08-20
Somewhere near Wuhan, China...
Patient Zero, what have you done with the Bat man?
You too rate, Robin.
I ate his river with fava bean.

 

by Moturd
3-09-20
Hello, my name is David... no, no...
Hi! I'm Dave Banner. Damn glad to meet you. No, no... that's not right either.
Why'd she want to meet here anyway? Most blind dates pick somewhere safe and well lit.

 

by Moturd
3-09-20
Countries like Denmark are among the "happiest on earth," because they provide free services like college and health care.
Yet Disneyland is the happiest place on Earth and it charges out the wazoo for everything!
If you had to, would you close the borders to keep the Corona virus out?
Trump closed the borders, so... NO. Sadly, we have an administration that does not believe in Science, so I would do the opposite.
The Corona virus can help turn this country into a welfare recipient paradise.
Sadly, I'm talking to a communist who doesn't believe in History.

 

by Moturd
3-10-20
Eh, what cha huntin' bub?
Wabbit. Heheheheheh
Them's tricky devils. Known to use disguise and misdirection.
You tehwin' me.
I think I see one now.
That's a wabbi. Your spehwin's awful.

 

by Moturd
3-11-20
What's with all the pandemics on my watch? This is like the second zombie apocalypse.
The night of the living dead was caused by virii from a meteor, but this one came from China.
How do we know it came from China?
It has distinct symptoms.
mmm.... buy my cheap products... mmmmm...

 

by Moturd
3-11-20
Hey Melvin. Where you been?
I touched the button on the coffee machine this morning, so I came in here to wash my hands.
But when I went to leave I touched the doorknob, so I washed them again.
I've been trapped in here all day!

 

by Moturd
3-12-20
What's your beef now, Avenatti?
My cell is rat-infested and smells of urine.
Rat infested? Where?
There's one in the window right there.
That's a mirror, ya yutz. And stop pissin on the floor.

 

by Moturd
3-14-20
How come I have to be in the front?
I was in front at Halloween. It is only fair I be in back this time.
Now hush and do what I told you.
FREE medicine! Save you from Corona virus! Fresh from the tap!

 

by Moturd
3-14-20
President Trump's Corona virus test has come back negative...
allowing the entire nation to speak with one voice.
Conservatives everywhere said "ahhh"
...while liberals said "awww"

 

by Moturd
3-15-20
Remember how your mother told you not to touch yourself because God is always watching?
Well, keep going. I'm into it.

 

by Moturd
3-16-20
The Corona virus is God's punishment on the West.
And yet, it began in the Far East.
Well, He works in mysterious ways.
Perhaps this God character just has a very bad aim...
and the Ebola virus was his wrath on New Zealand.

 

by Moturd
3-21-20
July 2024, Bizarro World:
Thank you Pres. Biden for sending America back into a downward spiral in your shameless and divisive grab for power.
I said to Mr. Lincoln, I said, "I saved you twice but this is the last time, slick." He wouldn't listen, but I held my ground, and I was right.
My handlers in Beijing told me to thank you for not pointing out that the plague started in Wuhan, China.
They pay my son extra when I don't call it as that god-damn chink virus. Vagina is the new orange. Who are you again?
I'm a lesbian socialist Satan worshipper. I'm your new base.
Negroes love me.

 

by Moturd
3-21-20
This is surreal. I never leave the house except to buy groceries. I'm drinking heavily. I haven't worn pants in days
My only social interactions are verbal abuse of the noobs I play online games against.
Life couldn't get any better than this

 

by Moturd
3-24-20

 

by Moturd
3-24-20
I have a sick little post-apocalyptic fantasy involving Gordon Ramsey.
Please let me in your shelter! I missed my flight back to England. I'll die out here! I'll do anything!
Anything? Alright then, Mr. high and mighty celebrity chef. Welcome to my world.
No, I won't do it! You can't make me! No fucking way you're ever going to put that in my mouth!
Do it , Ramsey. Open your mouth and think about your happy place.
What in the bloody hell was that monstrosity?
I call 'em Moturd Sliders! They're Spam and dill pickle slices on saltine crackers.

 

by Moturd
3-26-20
Kathy Griffin claims she has Corona virus after partying in Mexico...
Doc I got intense pain, vomiting, diarrhea, every 20 minutes. Give me a Corona test quick! I'm a celebrity.
Ms. Griffin we have a limited number of tests kits and your symptoms don't indicate Wuhan Flu.
Well if I don't have Wuhan Flu then what's wrong with me?
Don't get me started. Heh heh. But seriously folks, TDS, Montezuma's Revenge, hangover, and the herpes sores in your ass are flaring up.
But I have lower abdominal pain. This is unbearable!
I'm sorry to hear that, and believe me I know what unbearable is. I saw your show.

 

by Moturd
3-28-20
My parents told me not to go to Florida for Spring Break because of the Wuhan virus.
Psh. They're just fogies. It's like the regular flu. It's only dangerous to old people. Let's get it on purpose.
Daytona Beach
After we get it once, we'll have immunity for the rest of our lives. We're smarter than any old boomers.
My teacher says boomers are racist homophobic robber barons! What do they know? It's our world now!
I'm so glad you enjoyed your little vacation in Florida, but Grandma and Uncle Lester died because of you.
Are you trying to guilt me into going to their funerals? You don't control me. I'm an adult!

Showing page 9.

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