All comics by Porternotes

Profile

 

by Porternotes
7-28-16
Alright, let's see... ragu4u... ragu... rags... ragsy...rag-a-lag-a-ding-dong...
beep
...ding-dong... wang... doodle... wang-dang a doodle...
bloop
...doodle oodle dee... wubba wubba wubba...
merp

 

by Porternotes
7-28-16
Hey... can I help you?
Oh, I'm sorry. Is this your... place?
Yes. I live here. I left my job and my family to find myself. I guess this is as far as I got.
Whoa. I'm also on my way to inner peace.
Yeah, great. Just remember that side of the cave is mine. And around here we shit outside.
Already I'm feeling enlightened.

 

by Porternotes
8-11-16
Dating
I'm not the most dependable guy.
You're cute.
Breakup
I'm not the most dependable guy.
You fucking asshooooooooole.

 

by Porternotes
8-18-16
How long are you going to keep this up? Hiding out in a cave in the forest preserves?
It's not a facade, I'm serious. It's over.
SC is like a 55 gallon barrel of water, you know. If you pull one cup out there's a ripple on the surface at first, but eventually it looks the same.
What are you saying, exactly.
There's a new guy in town. Goes by the name of Bacon.
...is he funny?

 

So, your definition of oral sex is just talking about it, eh?
by Porternotes, 9-01-16

 

by Porternotes
9-08-16
What the hell are you doing?
Whoa! It isn't what you think.
Were you masturbating?
I can't help it. I was diagnosed with a compulsive disorder. The only thing that relaxes me is periodic masturbation.
How come I never noticed this before? Wait, is this why you lost that job at the petting zoo?
Allow me to answer both questions at the same: I didn't really donate your old fur coat to charity.

 

by Porternotes
9-14-16
This is awkward, I specifically said "no robots" on my match.com form.
I KNOW, RIGHT?! I WAS PRETTY SPECIFIC TOO. I SAID "NO PRUDES".
I'm not a prude. I just have robophobia.
WHOA! THAT'S SAD. I'D LOVE TO HELP YOU OVERCOME YOUR FEARS.
You think you can ease me into a new appreciation of robots?

 

by Porternotes
9-14-16
What've you been up to this morning?
I came up with a comic for Stripcreator.
What are you still doing on that site.
Now that Vegan Dad's on the mainstream, I have to reserve certain humor for SC.
Dick jokes?
Boing!

 

by Porternotes
9-14-16
I don't like that you're still writing dick jokes.
I can't help it. I've got dick jokes to write. They're in me, and they've gotta come out.
Was that one?
It wasn't intentional. Sort of a dick slip.
This is getting a little too dick-centric.
Ri-dick-ulous.

 

by Porternotes
9-16-16
OK, Chef Boyardee time for you to move the hell out of my cave.
What? Why? I've not touched your food, and I've been shitting outside.
You're spending too much time on the wi-fi. I told you I'm on a pay as you go plan, and you've run up the bill for the last time.
Fine. I'm done with this cave bullshit. I'm moving on to parts unknown.
oh, and by the way... barnyard porn? Really?
I told you it was for RESEARCH!

 

by Porternotes
9-16-16
I was getting too comfortable, anyway. I'm not going to find enlightenment in a dank cave with a stupid hermit.
I need to find a village of people living a simple life. So I can find appreciation.
Where they haven't heard my dick jokes yet.

 

by Porternotes
9-29-16
...so in conclusion, based on the evidence I've presented, there is no reason the three of us can not have sex together.
I'm impressed. You really put forth a strong argument.
Very informative. I can tell you took some time with that powerpoint.
So, I'll expect the two of you in the bedroom in, say three minutes?
No... not in a million years.
Is there any more of that wine around here?

 

by Porternotes
10-06-16
Now we got you, you some-bitch. Grab him, Cleuts!
Whoa, Man. I'm not doing anything wrong here.
You're black! That's wrong. We've got to teach all blacks a lesson. You aren't wanted here.
That's right you need to go back to where you came from, boy.
Philadelphia?
Yeah, here's your plane ticket. Sorry I couldn't get a direct flight, but there's a meal voucher for your layover in Dallas.

 

by Porternotes
10-12-16
...after laying her egg, the female penguin bids farewell to the male...
Y'all bettuh keep an eye on this lil' muffukka while I'm gone.
Where you goin'?
...the male will care for the egg until it hatches and the female returns...
What?! You gonna ask me where I'm goin'? None a yo bitch-ass bidness!
I'm s'posedta stay up in this cold until you decide to come home?! Ssshhhiiiittt...
...the females depart en mass and the males gather together against the elements...
Nay-Nay! You ready to pull up out dis biyotch?!
Dis some bullshit. I don't even know dis egg mine. Brother, get the Maury Show on the phone.

 

by Porternotes
10-24-16
OK. We're live in 4... 3... 2...
This is a Channel 3 News special report. The world as we'd known it has come to an end at the hands of Trump Industries' new TOBOR 5000.
Reporting live from the center of the distruction is reporter, Mitch Rodgers. I believe he's able to get in a few words with TOBOR 5000. Mitch?
Thanks, Barbara. TOBOR 5000, what is the motivation behind your destruction of civilization?
WELL MITCH, IT'S SIMPLE. I WANT TO MAKE THE WORLD GREAT AGAIN.

 

by Porternotes
10-24-16
TOBOR 5000, I have to ask, you don’t know anything about when the world was great. As far as you know, it’s greater now than it’s ever been?
WRONG! I AM THE ULTIMATE JUDGE OF GREAT AND NOT GREAT. THE WORLD IS NOT GREAT. I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN CHANGE IT BACK.
I have to say, you’ve started with some fairly bold changes.
I AM A ROBOT OF ACTION, MITCH.
So, are we to assume the goal is to remove all humanity and bring Earth back to some kind of natural state?
NOT EXACTLY. SOME HUMANS WILL BE SPARED BUT THERE WILL DEFINITELY BE A CULLING.

 

by Porternotes
10-24-16
So what you’re saying is; not all humans are doomed to utter annihilation?
MITCH, I’M A FAIR ROBOT. I WILL SPARE SOME. IN FACT MOST. THEY JUST NEED TO MEET MY CRITERIA.
Would you care to share this information with the viewers, so they may prepare for possible survival.
ABSOLUTELY! IN FACT, I’M GOING TO DIFFER YOU TO MY MINISTER OF COMPLIANCE. JUST ONE LAST THING, HUMANS… PAY CLOSE ATTENTION. DETAILS CAN MAKE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WHETHER YOU LIVE OR DIE.
Strong words from a strong robot.
As the Minister of Compliance, I’m here to illustrate for your viewers the approved European Stretching Exercises.

 

by Porternotes
10-31-16
Well, the shop is completely cleared out.
I wish someone would buy that damned espresso machine off us.
Maybe we should just set it up in the kitchen.
Put in a drive-thru and turn our house into a cafe!
That would mean we'd have customers in our house.
Yeah, I'd have to put a lock on my underwear drawer.

 

by Porternotes
10-31-16
Did you see Matt is at the Standing Rock Indian Reservation?
Did he check in there on Facebook?
Yeah. I'm impressed. I never imagined he'd be capable of such definitive action.
He's not really there. It's just something people are doing now to show support of the protestors.
Without actual physical involvement.
Yeah. As effective as a virtual hug.

 

by Porternotes
10-31-16
I'm pissed off now. I really thought he was in North Dakota defending the Earth.
Don't get too mad at yourself. It's possible to be duped by social media, you know.
True enough. I do feel bad we aren't doing something to show support to my Native brothers and sisters.
You're 50% Native American. Your uncle called you an "apple".
That does it. Where's my jacket?
Better wear the one that protects you from rubber bullets.

 

by Porternotes
10-31-16
Dad, don't go to that reservation.
I need to go, it's my duty as an Indian to support my brothers in protecting the Earth.
Wow. That's cool.
You want to come with me?
What's the temperature like this time of year?
Injustice is usually served cold.

 

by Porternotes
10-31-16
I don't want to go with you, Dad.
Are you sure? this is your chance to make a difference and learn a little something about your Indian heritage.
Yeah, I'm sure. I don't want to go.
Fine. Stay here and enjoy the comforts provided to you by the struggles of your forefathers.
Grandpa struggled for us?
Who? Oh yeah, sure he did.

 

by Porternotes
10-31-16
Laurie says you're going to that reservation in North Dakota.
Is she trying to get you to stop me too?
No. She didn't tell me to talk you out of it or anything.
Really?
All she said was something about "This time was for love, next time's for money".

 

by Porternotes
10-31-16
I'm packed for the Rez. I'm really going, you know.
I wish you wouldn't go, but I know I'll never be able to talk you out of it.
Here I thought you simply didn't care.
Of course I care. I don't want anything to happen to you.
You could come with me, you know.
Yeah, what's the temperature like this time of year?

 

by Porternotes
10-31-16
Be safe, Dad.
Thanks, boy. I will.
Be strong. You're fighting the good fight, Dad.
I will.
Be good. Don't let any of those dark haired Native women have their way with you.
I never even considered this option.

 

by Porternotes
10-31-16
Hello. One ticket to Cannon Ball, North Dakota, please.
I'm sorry we don't go there.
I want to get to Standing Rock reservation to show my support of the protest.
A very popular destination, indeed.
Where do you suggest I go, then?
Hell, sir. I suggest you go straight to Hell.

 

by Porternotes
11-06-16
So, this is the Standing Rock Rez... what a dump.
You're telling me, White-man. I live here in this place.
Hey, I'm not a White-man. I'm 50% Oneida.
OH! Hey guys, we finally got HALF an Oneida here!
That seems a little better, I think...?
Right this way, Whitey, you can do what you do best... PASS.

 

by Porternotes
11-06-16
So, White-neida... what are you doing here.
I'm here to show my support in solidarity of this protest.
Ok. Go over there with the other "supporters".
I totally packed the wrong shoes for this protest.
My TA said if I get a photo of myself with a "Native" posted to a credible site I'll get my humanities credit for the semester.

 

by Porternotes
11-06-16
No way! That's bullshit. I'm here for the real thing. I'm no poser. I want to help.
Help you or help us?
Help everyone. Not myself.
Did you bring any money?
Why would I need money?
They really aren't reporting the truth on this, are they?

 

by Porternotes
11-06-16
Maybe I can help in other ways?
What can you do?
I can be kinda funny. Maybe I can lighten the mood with the cops?
We've already got a funny guy trying that.
So, then Chen gets beat up AGAIN!
Ok, buys. Gas 'em.

 

by Porternotes
11-06-16
Well, I'm going to go to the front.
I figured. Good luck, White-neida. Make sure you take some water with you.
Yeah, I wouldn't want to get dehydrated.
You'll need it to wash the teargas out of your eyes.
gulp
Alright, Eager-Beaver. Head on up there!

 

by Porternotes
11-06-16
So, this is where you're spiritual quest brought you, eh?
Yes. I've found my place here.
Entertaining the activists.
We each have our place in the choir.
And the pig?
Bacon does my dirty work.

 

by Porternotes
11-06-16
Got any advice in dealing with these cops?
They're just doing their job. It's kinda rough on them.
I bet. So you break the tension with humor?
Nah, I'm just here to give them variety.
What do you mean?
They can knock a white man around for a change.

 

by Porternotes
11-06-16
Rags! You're a genius!
I am?
We change out the Indian protestors with rich white guys.
Ok...
The cops are trained to obey rich white guys.
I am a genius.

 

by Porternotes
11-06-16
Good luck getting rich white guys to join this protest.
It won't be easy.
They WANT this pipeline to go through.
Maybe we can propose a way for them to make money off the reservation without the pipeline.
At best that would be a gamble...
Rags! You've done it again!!!

 

by Porternotes
11-06-16
Leaving already, White-neida?
Not exactly. I've got an idea. What if we made this property more of a moneymaker than the pipeline.
There's nothing here. No mineral deposits. No gold. You can't even farm it.
In other areas of the country, Indians put up casinos on their land.
I'm listening....

 

by Porternotes
11-30-16
Do you remember yesterday morning when we made a "date" for last night?
Did we? What were the details?
We said we'd go to bed early...
I did that!
Yeah, I could hear you snoring before I even got upstairs.
It was great! Let's make another date like that for tonight.

 

by Porternotes
11-30-16
"Go to bed early" was code.
Wait, you wanted to have sex?
Yes. Well... yes. Exactly. I guess I should've just came out and said it.
Ummmm... yeah! I got all excited about catching up on my sleep. I've been exhausted and...
I want to have sex.
Maybe we could go to bed early.

 

So, remember when I said I wanted to be powerful... This whole thing isn't working for me.
It's working just fine for me.
by Porternotes, 12-08-16

 

I just want to go on record as saying I think you're taking vegetarianism too far.
by Porternotes, 12-09-16

 

by Porternotes
12-16-16
I'm going to make a sandwich, do you want one?
No, I'll just have a bite of yours.
I'll just make you one of your own.
Don't you want to share with me?
I will be sharing with you. My time and sandwich making skills.
You're a food hoarder.

 

by Porternotes
12-16-16
Just because I want a sandwich of my own, it doesn't mean I'm a food hoarder.
You are, though. You're stingy. You won't even give me a bite.
I'm giving you more than one bite, I'm giving you your own entire sandwich.
Forget it. I don't want a sandwich now.
Let me know if you change your mind I'll make you one.
I'm getting too fat anyway. I don't need a sandwich.

 

by Porternotes
12-16-16
You look great. You don't need to put yourself down.
No, it's true. I'm disgusting. You don't need to lie. I'm a fat pig.
Oh, Honey. I'm not lying.You look great.
I think you're hangry. How 'bout I make you a sandwich?
I want a warm sandwich, make it for me when you get to hell.

 

by Porternotes
12-16-16
I made myself a sandwich.
Good for you.
Would you like a bite of it.
No... give it to me.
You took, like, three bites!

 

I just don't see the appeal.
Beats me.
by Porternotes, 12-16-16

 

by Porternotes
12-20-16
Dude... What's your deal?
I'm Santa, that's my deal. You don't know me?
Blah Blah Blah... I'm an adult. I'm not talking the bullshit. I want the real story.
I'm a generous old elf. I want kids to be happy. They love toys. I want to bring them toys.
Hmmm... Anything else?
You'd be amazed at the amount of people who sleep nude.

 

by Porternotes
12-22-16
Alright, Fellers, let's go get us some niggers!
Wee-HOO! Imma string me up one good!
Imma get a cross a-burniin' right quick!
Maybe we should jerk off while we're burnin' the cross!
Maybe we should jerk each other off, it'd be better!
Maybe we should skip the nigger stringin' and a-cross burnin' and just get to diddlin' !

 

by Porternotes
12-22-16
I would like to apologize for the subject matter of my most recent comic...
...I've got nothing against homosexuality...
...Having Klansmen participating in the very activities they persecute is ironic...
...Not the Alanis Morissette kind of ironic, the real kind... oh shit.
I would like to apologize for the subject matter of my most recent comment...
..I've got nothing against Alanis Morissette...

 

They laughed at me in 1995, who's laughing now?
I can't keep up with the demands for water wings.
by Porternotes, 12-24-16

 

by Porternotes
1-05-17
July 1987
Isn't it beautiful in Wisconsin! Imagine if we move here, it would be like this vacation EVERYDAY!
Yeah, mom! I love it here! Let's move out of the city!
July 1987
I"m glad to hear you say this, because I've put a bid on a house and it was accepted!
Awesome! Bye bye, Chicago!
October 1987
I guess we didn't think this one through.
I miss my friends.

Showing page 9.

« Previous Next »