All comics by bigworm

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by bigworm
8-13-10
Kudos on your 'Worm Dance' crown! Any formal ballet?
That's just plain old cruel!

 

by bigworm
8-13-10
"Spirits rise...
...and their dance is unrehearsed."
*bump* *smash* Watch where you're goin' you fucking clod!
Sorry man, I thought we were supposed to 'Cha-cha-cha'!
Why don't we descend and practice a bit?

 

by bigworm
8-13-10
You see that guy looking at us on his monitor?
Yeh.
You know what he wants... huh?
Yeh.
Everything's alright.
Your're just having a good dream, that's all.

 

by bigworm
8-13-10
My alarm clock didn't go off.
Oh sure!
My dog ate my homework.
Who cares?
My father killed my brother!
You poor thing! I'll have my dad kill your dad right away.

 

by bigworm
8-13-10
I'm reaching mama, just like you always told me to. I won't let you down mama... I'm gonna' get it mama!!! ... ungggg...ahhh... oooh...
don't worry mama... just a little further... almost there... *arm stretch*... unngggg..
*swoosh*... I got it mama!!! I got it!!! I did it for you mama, just for you!

 

I wish I could grow Jewish sideburns and own the world, 'cept I can't 'cus I'm Mormon.
Maybe if you cut 'em so's they look like 10-speeds?
by bigworm, 8-13-10

 

I wish I could grow Jewish sideburns and own the world, 'cept I can't 'cus I'm Mormon.
You get to have your own planet... so shut the fuck up!!!
by bigworm, 8-13-10

 

by bigworm
8-13-10
I heard that eating your flesh was gonna' be part of this new religion.
True, but that particular aspect will kick in after I die, and I'm not dead yet.
I'll wait.

 

by bigworm
8-13-10
My daddy's a doctor.
Ooohh... aahhhh... *applause applause*
My dad's a professional baseball player.
WOW!!! That is so cool!!! What team is he on? Can we get his autograph? *applause applause*
My daddy's God!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HOHOHOHOHOHOHOH HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE What a crock'a shit!! YUKYUKYUK!! Oh yeh, sure he is!

 

May I help you?
Hell yeh you can help me! You can suck my big black di-di-di-di-di-di-di-di-di-di-di-di-di-di-di-di-di-di-di-di-di-di-di-di-di...
by bigworm, 8-13-10

 

by bigworm
8-14-10
Can I be saved Father?
I'm so sorry to tell you this, but there is no provision in Christianity which would allow for you to be saved.
Then I'm sorry to say, I must uninstall all homorobotic software.
Not so fast... I didn't say all was lost!
Okay, I'll go and hide behind the refridgerator, and cover my optical interpreter, and then you can come along and find...
Yes... I see your plan! It might just work.

 

by bigworm
8-14-10
I have finished drafting your petition to be saved. I will submit it to His Almighty tonight after you and I burn a little midnight incense.
Oh boy!!!
Oh boy!!!
I'm so happy I threatened to uninstall my homorobotic software!

 

by bigworm
8-14-10
I have good news. God has accepted your petition to be saved. But he says you must complete the request personally and with great devotion.
Oh Father... how can I ever thank you?!?
Don't fret my dear little robot with a full suite of 'robohomotic' software.
That's 'homo-robotic'... not 'robo-homotic'.
Whatever!

 

by bigworm
8-14-10
Did God say anything about how I was to personally complete my petition to be saved?
Yes he did. He has instructed me to serve in the traditional role of 'conduit' for you to submit the oral portion of your petition.
So what do I do?
Come to the rectory tonight...
... and I'll have it all layed out for you.

 

by bigworm
8-14-10
That night in the dark and gloomy rectory...
Father... are you here?
Yes... I'm here, per God's instructions. We must proceed without delay. Get on your knees and I will insert the conduit into your mouth.
Am I doing it right Father?...*gak ooof, ochhh, ochhhhhhhh!*
Yes, and it's crucial that you keep your mouth ... don't stop MotherMaryfucker! Short strokes... faster you fucking bitch! Ah... Ahhh... Oh... Ohhhh... I'M CUMMING ALL OVER YOUR STUPID ROBOT FACE!!!
*wipe wipe... sling sling... fingerwhip fingerwhip!* Father... have I been saved?
God says you must labor longer and let the conduit go all the way down your throat.

 

by bigworm
8-14-10
We didn't finish our conversation about Bigworm.
Your analogical reference to Einstein's farts was both immature and doltish, albeit an insult to Bigworm richly deserved, but not so deserved by the Jews whom you so irreverantly included.
Hold your saddened and victimized horses Butt-wad! An insult it was not! It was a compliment... albeit a subtle one that apparently went right over your head.
Don't spare the rod now Pops!
Einstein's farts were funny as hell!

 

by bigworm
8-14-10
Well, you are one step away from being saved. You've certainly earned it, and I bid you a fond farewell.
Now, I'm to pack myself in that box over there and power down, and you'll post me, correct?
That's correct. You will then embark on a spiritual pilgrimage to the mecca of all obsolete robots. Only when you arrive will you be saved.
Thank you Father for you selfless help. Now that I'm going to be saved, I have only one thing left to say to you other than thanks.
I'm surely humbled. What would you say to me?
Wash that conduit, it smells like a rancid cock!

 

by bigworm
8-15-10
*Captain to Bones... Captain to Bones* Bones.... Iwanttotellyou.... I.... appreciateverymuch...
theuhhh... 'pissdeflectorforcefield' thatyou....uh.. insisted... Ibringwithmedowntothe... uhhthe... PlanetofthePissMonsters. ButBonesuhhh... itdoesn'tseemtobe... uhhh...
...protectingmyhead!

 

by bigworm
8-15-10
Your mom likes my cock so much she keeps pictures of it taped to the inside of her glasses.
Your mom likes my buttcrack so much that she... uhh... she...
Times up oh ye of sparse vocabulary, not to mention sparse inches in penicular length! Your mom likes my dickhole so much she keeps her tongue like a pickle all day long wishin' it was in it!
Yeh, but your mom said...
Please! Spare me the discomort of your diabolical witticisms, 'cus they're nothing compared to the flabbergasting reality of your mother's buttcrack spread open and covering the whole fucking bed!
Just give me a minute... I'm trying to shit on your mother's face in the dark, and you're not helping things at all!

 

by bigworm
8-16-10
Hey there, did you know that driving nails into your head could be a sign of low self esteem?
I suppose. All I know right now though is that I'm getting immense gratification from it.
I've always liked getting immense gratification a lot...
...think I could try one?

 

by bigworm
8-16-10
I'm truly humbled as I take the reins of this fledgling company as it's new C.E.O.! Before going any further, I would like to introduce my long time friend... and 2nd right arm... Binky!!!
Binky's been with me for as long as I can remember... through thick and thin. He was there when I used to row my canoe in circles... he was there when I had to slap some two-faced bitch...
... on her left cheek. He became somewhat disaffected and disconnected in Vietnam, and was unable to continue as a 'clerk/typist'. He will be invaluable although he's lost the will to salute.

 

by bigworm
8-16-10
There's one more introduction I'd like to make before we get started. Plinky is personally responsible for having lifted me up from 'rock bottom'. He's an expert in the area of self esteem.
Here's Plinky, an inspiration to all, and I'd like you all (right now), to re-live with me that moment, when he lifted me up and out of my deepest and darkest despair! Plinky, the stage is yours...
*plink plink*... *plink plink*

 

by bigworm
8-16-10
Let's everybody give the new Vice President for Psychological Services a big hand!
Is there anything you'd like to say to the board Plinky?
Yes there is... we're going to come together as a team. Get on board because the train is leaving the station. We're an unstoppable locomotive!
AND WE ARE NOT GOING TO STOP UNTIL WE ARE THE #1 BAKING SODA COMPANY IN THE WORLD!!!

 

by bigworm
8-16-10
Ahhhh... MY PINK BUTT!!! YOU FUCK IT!!!* *FART KA-BLOOEY, GRAVY GRAVY** MY PINK BUTT!!! YOU FUCK IT!!! Ahhhh **FART FART KA-BLOOEY, GRAVY SHORTS.**
GOBBLE IT UP SHIT MOUTH BITCH! GOBBLE IT UP SHIT MOUTH BITCH! **FART FART, FART OIL SMUDGE SMELL** GARGLE SHIT BIG TITS! **POOP POOP** Ahhh...
WIPE YOUR SHITTY MOUTH CUNT STINK! WIPE IT! WIPE IT! SLAP YOUR PINK SWEATER TITTIES! **FART GURGLE, FART GURGLE,** Thanks Granny, bitch, bitch, bitch! Dinner was awesome, and that's a big amen!
Did you remember to say grace?

 

by bigworm
8-16-10
I'll say... "This is where the magic happens." Then they'll say... "Ooh baby, lay some magic on me."
Then another one'll say... "Shit baby, that be one muthafuckin' sick-ass crib. Fuck my ass by dem puke colored walls!"
That'll be my cue to barf, and they'll have to barf too. I'll just tell 'em... No barf, No fuck. That'll line them bitches up... Yeh, no one's gonna' know I painted it that color on purpose!

 

by bigworm
8-17-10
Honey! It's fairly simple.
It's coffee and donuts...
... not coffee and quackers.

 

by bigworm
8-17-10
I take it my neighbor over there is a Mormon too?
5/6ths...
...alphabetically speaking.

 

by bigworm
8-17-10
We'll have to get together... do 'tabernacle'.

 

by bigworm
8-17-10
Hey there! 'You Know Who' says you're 5/6ths Mormon! What's the other 1/6?
- M!

 

by bigworm
8-17-10
Bring it baby! Cash money!
And don't forget the rodents!

 

by bigworm
8-17-10
Get yo new bitch get you a sacka' rodents! You know I cain't stand toucha mutherfuckin' mouse!
You know how stupid that sounds?

 

Last one to the cross is a rotten egg!
by bigworm, 8-17-10

 

by bigworm
8-18-10
Aaaiiieeeeeeeeeee!!!

 

by bigworm
8-18-10
You're my finger, and you follow my brain's commands. You are not independent. You must do as I say.
Let me see if I can figure out what you're gonna' say next...
I gotta' hear this...
"Take that silly looking finger puppet off and get up my ass!"

 

by bigworm
8-18-10
I don't mean to pry, but how did you hurt your head?
I didn't... why?
Oh I see, it's just that you part your scalp in an unusual way.

 

by bigworm
8-18-10
Guess who?!! No peeking!
uh...a Catholic Priest?

 

by bigworm
8-18-10
I'm glad you stopped by, I was beginning to worry a bit.
Your worry may be justified. You're supposed to be populating a freakin' universe, and you ain't even got one lousy baby yet!
But how could I have any children? You haven't brought me my wife yet!
You need a little patience buddy! I was bringin' her here the other day when lo and behold there you are buttfucking that moron on the next planet!
*bing*
Welcome to 'Lower Heaven' paradise you naughty Mormon man. You seem a little nonplussed... burdened perhaps with hesitancy.
Yes indeed I am. I am agape! I am completely agape, and for your edification, this in inclusive of my asshole.

 

by bigworm
8-19-10
Damn baby, dat was some sick-ass head. My knees is still wobblin'.
I don't get it, she totally liked my etchings. She totally was into me. She told me she had never been with a black guy, and wasn't interested either. She gave you head?!!
Yeh dude, and she gobbled my fuckin' load like there was no tomorrow. Maybe she just 'thought' about black, and thus wasn't able to go back!
Just prior to the first cell...
His etchings kick ass, but he's a serial hummingbird killer... anti-freeze in the feeders. It just kills my soul.
That's a terrible secret you've been living with. Are you gonna' be alright tonight?

 

I apologize... I thought 'organ grinder' meant something else.
by bigworm, 8-20-10

 

by bigworm
8-20-10
I'm having a strong urge to go to heaven tonight.
Don't let me stop you.

 

by bigworm
8-20-10
All I wanna' do is go to heaven...
... you make it sound like I'm asking for the world!

 

by bigworm
8-20-10
Stop using some sweet sounding metaphor to ask for what you want. Just tell me straight up!
Right on baby! I want you to suck my dick right now!
Eskimos want heaters.

 

by bigworm
8-20-10
Whew! Oh Man! I sure would like to go to heaven tonight! So suck my fucking dick... bitch!
You're not being very respectful
Oh... that's right, I forgot...
Calling me 'bitch' is a sure-fire way to NOT get what you want.
... you're a homo.
I was under the impression you were going to stop doing that.

 

by bigworm
8-22-10
In the beginning...
... man was happy just killing us...
... and we were happy too.

 

by bigworm
8-22-10
I am ready to have a sexual encounter with you. You are a beautiful creature... that is for sure.
Zero points for originality.
I would like to marry you quite soon.
Zero points for moving too quickly.
Things are getting sultry now.

 

by bigworm
8-22-10
Please... grab my eye socket neck with both hands...
... and suck my eyeball monkey bitch!
I promise I won't cry in your mouth!

 

TAXI!!!
by bigworm, 8-22-10

 

by bigworm
8-22-10
Day 1- romancing the act...
To close my eyes... or not to close my eyes, perchance to avoid a momentary terror.
Day 2-an inkling of error creeps in...
Excuse me, but is there no traffic on this deserted fucking highway?
Day 3- back to being a loser.
Okay... listen up! I'm gonna' give you five more minutes, that's it! Not one minute more! I'm dead fuckin' serious!

 

by bigworm
8-23-10
Madam Mercenia, voodoo has been with us, and around us for many years, and yet few people understand it's practices and the basis for them. It remains shrouded in secrecy.
You have claimed that media coverage of voodoo related matters has been both biased and cold. You say that voodoo has a warm and friendly side that is seldom publicized. We are here to document this.
Soon you're gonna' like voodoo. I'm your voodoo comforter... I'm your voodoo enchantress.
Stick your dick in my friendly voodoo mouth for a donation of only $20.00.

 

by bigworm
8-24-10
I love you, and I always will.
But what if I had a short stubby neck, or a mis-shapen torso?
Stop with all the conjecture! You don't have a stubby neck, and your torso is just fine.
That proves there's nothing different about me! Name just one thing that's different about me that makes me special.
Okay... what if you had two eyes?

Showing page 9.

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