All comics by kramer_vs_kramer

Profile

 

Don't you just hate it when you're eating a sandwich, and some mayonnaise drops out onto your lap, and leaves a semen-like stain on your trousers?
Well that's what happened to me when I visited the kindergarten yesterday.
That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.

 

Oh, doctor, I'm getting so stressed out. I'm trying to arrange a traditional Islamic wedding, but I don't know any holy men.
I think I could help. My brother Ajay knows someone who could fit the bill.
Really? Is he good? Only the best will do for my wedding.
I assure you he's the best- he spent years at Islamic Holy Man training school. Now, I'll just phone home and see if my mother has his number.
Mom? Ajay's skilled Imam!

 

I'm confused, DEATH-BOT. I just won the singing competition at the bar, but the first prize was singing lessons.
Congratulations! So why are you confused?
Why was the prize singing lessons? Surely if I was the best singer there, I wouldn't need singing lessons. And if I needed singing lessons, I wouldn't have won.
Maybe you won because you were the best singer there out of those who weren't good enough to not need singing lessons?
But I was the best singer there! Yet the judges decided I was most in need of lessons despite being the best singer there and other singers being judged as worse than me.
---FATAL ERROR --- --CPU OVERLOAD-- ---LOGIC FAILURE--- ---REBOOT? Y/N ---

 

Hi! Welcome to my non-web based party. Would you like to see my website? It's like a legal Napster.
A legal Napster, eh? It must be pretty clever to get around the copyright issues.
It is. There's no illegal activity going on there at all.
So how does it work?
It doesn't. So we'll never get sued!

 

So, anyway, for some months now we have this international artists label called sub_m7.
Sub_m7 was formed from the austrian label subjekt TON ART FILM and the english label 7monks.
You paid me $50 for a night of this? Don't you want some hot, sweaty sex?
We basically covered most of europe and bits of south america. Videos, sound, graphics, visuals and much more...
To think I turned down that scat-fetishist for THIS.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-07-02
Hey, babe. How did the operation go?
Oh, it was terrible. The cancer had spread, so the doctor had to remove both my breasts.
Really? And, eh, what do you suppose they did with them afterwards?
What? I don't know. They probably threw them out or something.
Okay sir, and can you explain again exactly why you were looking through the biological waste disposal unit?

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-10-02
It;s been a while.
Yes indeed it has.
This alcohol induced tirade cannot go long for much longer.
I disagree. Surely, with the author having to get up for work in three hours, this strip must have some kind of tragic pathos or something.
I disagree. A strip produced by a drunk who should probably go to bed has no artistic merit whatsoever.
BOLLOCKS.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-10-02
Blah blah blah swearing etc.
What? Surely the lack of swearing negates the swearing ethic of Javier the Angry Wizard?
But I am being so postmodern by not swearing. I know you expect it.
No. You're just drunk. I can smell you from here. Look at me! I am fetish boy. Does that not provoke swearing?
Not really.
Then my work here is done.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-10-02
I cuss you bad, Mr Javier.
I see you are trying to goad me into swearing. Well I am not having any of that.
I think you are bluffing.
But everyone expects me to swear constantly as the sole outlet of humour in these strips. I disagree. There should be some higher form of wit.
BOLLOCKS.
Gotcha!

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-10-02
Sir, you have lain your foul eggs in my mouth.
No, really.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-15-02
It's Patrick Stewart's 39th Birthday
Sigh, 39 today. It's all down hill from here. If only I could regain the lost youth that I pine for constantly.
Hey, Patrick Stewart! Would you like some of my elixir of youth?
What, elixir of youth?
Yeah, it will keep you young for all eternity. Or until you get brutally murdered or something. Look at me, I'm 239!
And there are no side effects?
Well, it dissolved my trousers, but I think that was just bad luck.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-15-02
So you say that drinking this elixir will make me feel young forever? In that case, make it so!
Sorry, what?
Make it so! Give me the elixir!
"Make it so?" Nobody says that. That's just crazy talk.
I promise you, that if I get to live forever, I will have people all around the world saying it.
What? You're not getting any of my elixir, then. That's just plain weird.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-15-02
... and I see a future of action figures, and spin-off movies, and branded cakes and lunchboxes.
You really think Dune has this much potential?
Yeah, but there's one problem.
Which is?
The film is so long, I'm going to need that elixir to sit through it all.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-15-02
So are you going to let me have some of your elixir?
Yeah, all right. If it means I don't have to hear any more of your ideas for new Star Trek villains. Here you go.
KER-TRANS-FORM!
I feel so much younger! I feel - wait, I'm still 39! You said this elixir would make me young again!
It's young in elephant years.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-15-02
Look on the bright side, Patrick Stewart. You'll be this age for ever!
But I thought it would make me young again!
Well, the elixir does have some youthening properties. Especially when it comes to hair.
What, you mean my hair will grow back?
No. But all your pubes will fall out.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-15-02
On the set of Star Trek X
...So you see, Data, that is how I appear to have not aged between Dune and now.
Yes, Captain. The ravages of time have not been kind to the rest of the crew. Look at Wil Wheaton over there.
Cut my scene? You shower of bastards! You are so getting slammed on my website.
Fin

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-26-02
So yeah, my name's Kelly, and I major in Science at the local college.
Well, it's nice to meet you Kelly, and HOLY SHIT! You've got a massive fucking hump growing out your back!
I know, I was born with it, and there's nothing the doctors can do about it.
You fucking freak! You're like the hunchback in that fucking cartoon with the bells! The bells! You fucking weirdo.
So, how about a shag, then?

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-12-02
One day at the ranch...
So I says, "Well, them rotor turbines ain't ..." Wait- who the hell are you?
Hi, I'm Pharell Williams from the Neptunes. We're remixing this strip. Just carry on, pretend I'm not here.
Ahem. So I says, "Well, them rotor turbines..."
Excuse me. I'd just like to remind all viewers that our album, "In Search Of" is in all good records stores.
So I says...
Shhh. It's time for my guest verse. I haven't plugged the album nearly enough yet.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-12-02
Pharrell, I'm just about to go solo, and I need a hit single. Can you help me?
Sure I can, Justin. Here, I've written a song for you. What do you think?
Wow! These lyrics are great! I can't wait to record this!
Hold on, kid. That's my guest bit. I sing this verse, and this one, and this one...
So which bits do I get to sing?
You? Sing?

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-14-02
You-a called?
Yes, Mario. We've a leaky tap in the men's toilet, and we were wondering if you could fix it.
I-a see. And you-a want me to jump-a on the sink?
Ehhh, no. I'd like you to examine the sink and, if possible, fix it. With your tools.
So... No jumping?
No jumping.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-14-02
Mario, I'd like to have a work with you about your conduct. I sent you to unblock the drains, and instead you appear to have headbutted out all the ceiling tiles in the staff canteen.
Si, boss. I was a-looking for mushrooms.
Mushrooms?
Magic mushrooms to make-a me super.
Hello? I'd like to register for unemployment-a benefits.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-14-02
C'mon Yoshi! Let's-a go and find-a you some fruit!
Don't-a mess with Yoshi, Mushroom-a men! He'll eata you up!
Mario. Get off the dinosaur exhibit and get back to work.
Si, boss.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-14-02
Mario. We have a display of almost extinct giant sea turtles arriving at the museum next week.
Si, boss.
Now, I remember what happened last time. Under no circumstances must you jump on, or kick, these turtles. There are only thirty left in the world.
No jumping?
No jumping.
Fireballs?

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-14-02
Mario, we've been receiving complaints from the zoo. They say you broke into the raccoon pen, taped some raccoons to your ass and then attempted to jump on their roof.
Si, boss. The racoon-a suit helps-a me to fly.
I see. So this isn't some kind of sick sexual perversion, then, involving you enjoying having small furry creatures inserted into your gaping rectum.
No, boss.
Forget I said anything, then.
What's that squeaking noise-a coming from your trousers?

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-18-02
You'll never guess what I did today. I stole a golf cart, drove downtown, and battered all the whores' brains out with a golf club. I must have killed about fifty people!
Aaahhh. You've been playing that Grand Theft Auto, haven't you?
Grand Theft what now?

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-18-02
RAAR! RED WILL VIOLATE YOUR COLON WITH FIFTY FOOT SCHLONG!
Hold on there, red. I don't think you get this game. The object is to blow each other up with explosives, not administer manrape. That's why it's called "Bomberman".
*BOMBER* MAN?
Yes. "Bomber".
SORRY ABOUT THAT. MUST HAVE MISHEARD.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-18-02
Hey Susie. What you looking at?
That foreign guy over at the Dance Dance Revolution machine.
The guy who's just standing there totally still?
Yeah. He's been there for over an hour. He must have spent about fifty bucks.
And he doesn't dance?
Nope. Just stands there shouting "(DANCING!)" at the top of his lungs, then acts all surprised when the game ends.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-22-02
You know why this comic should win the comic cup, Colin?
Why's that?
Because it's the only one I'm submitting.
...and?
And, by using the bedroom background, it hints that something sexual is about to happen.
Please. Put your trousers back on.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
12-04-02
You set fire to my car! You bastard! You absolute bastard!
Aha- Abuse! That'll be $5 per minute please.
Hold on, you said it'd have to be racist abuse. Therefore, I can call you a bastard all I like for free.
Dammit! I knew I should have said I was a bastard-gram.
Well it's too late now. Bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard.
Stop that. You're hurting my feelings now.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
12-04-02
This negro-gram idea of yours is the most stupid thing I've ever heard.
I dunno, it seems to have gone down quite well in Alabama. Now come on, just a little bit of abuse. I've got kids to feed.
In fact, I don't believe you're really black!
Huh?
Just as I thought- a robot!

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
12-05-02
Hello?
Hi! I'm Molesto the Clown! I offer a door to door child molestation service at a very reasonable fee.
What? You charge for molesting kids? What kind of sick bastard are you?
Oh come on, I've gotta make a living.
It's bad enough you abuse children, let alone that you charge for it.
Well, I'm not going to do it for free. What do you think I am, some kind of sick kiddie fiddler?

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
12-17-02
So yeah, I'm having these feelings of worthlessness, as if I'll never amount to anything. Any time I do eventually pluck up the courage to speak to women, they just laugh at me. I'm so lonely!
Oh my god- what am I doing? I'm talking to a chair! Snap out of it, man. Snap out of it. You'll be okay. Pull yourself together.
Thank fuck for that. I thought he'd never leave.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
12-18-02
I'm very disappointed in you.
When I smuggled you onto the plane I expected you to be able to fly it to Libya, not set fire to the damn thing and get us arrested.
And you call yourself a pilot light.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
12-27-02
Okay, Liam. That'll be fourteen dollars and fifty cents.
Yeah, whatever!
No, seriously. That's fourteen fifty please.
WHATEVER!

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
12-30-02
This is not my beautiful house!
This is not my beautiful wife!
Please leave. Now.
Are you kidding? Have you seen the state of my place?

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
12-30-02
Hmm...
I really don't think much of the centrefold this month.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
12-31-02
Zzzzzzz

 

"Hear that, Mr Anderson? That is the sound of inevitability."
"I love it when a plan comes together!"
"Aah, you monstrous mechanical moron! Stop cackling, you cantankerous chrome cretin!"
This is all well and good, but I wish they'd just play "This charming man."

 

i said a hip hop the hippie the hippie
to the hip hip hop, a you dont stop the rock it
to the bang bang boogie say up jumped the boogie to the rhythm of the boogie, the beat
Well, I must say I'm delighted.

 

Hey Justin, what do you keep your supply of crude oil in?
Drums.

 

Hey Justin, where do poor people live?
Slums.

 

Hey Justin, what do Americans call tramps?
Bums.

 

I am empty, betrayed by pain
my mind dead and mangled
life left me
I cry out for death's touch - a pitiful abyss destroyed
Booo! You suck!
Falling ever darkly into the ebon abyss of feral eyes, screaming against the groping fingers of your torment
Get off the damn stage!
Why aren't they laughing? Can't they see I'm gay?

 

So, anyway, the doctor says my piles have finally cleared up. I'm having a party to celebrate. I've bought a couple of kegs and a crate of Jack Daniels.
Really? Wow, this is going to be one wild -bzzt - party!
Yeah, it's going to be pretty mental - hey! what are you doing?
KER-TRANS-FORM!
Decepticons!
That's right, piles-boy! Now hand over the booze or you'll be suffering a little - ahem - recurrance.

 

you are santa
fuckwit

 

Okay, Franklin. It's your first day at work. You've been five years at teacher training college. You can do this...
Look at them, they're all so young and eager to learn. Just don't say anything stupid, you'll be fine.
MRUUUUUUUHHHH!!!!!! BRAINS!!!!! MUUUUUURRHH!

 

Okay, I know Stan here's a disruptive influence. But I'm sure if I impart a few words of wisdom I can be a mentor and guide him through his troubled ways.
Yeah! Like in that film "Dangerous Minds" where the teacher brought hope to a class of rowdy hispanics. I can be like that, if I could just think of something profound to say.
GGRRAAAAAHHHH!!!! BRAAIIIINNNNSS!!

 

Mr Franklin, I was wanting to speak to you about Timmy. I'm worried his grades may be slipping.
Ah yes, Timmy. His grades have been slipping, that is true.
I was thinking, is he being bullied or anything? He doesn't seem so keen to go to school any more.
I'd better explain her son has been beating up the girls for their lunch money. But how do I tell her without offending her?
Mr Franklin?
Ffrrrrrrggggg yyyyyrrrrrrr crrrrrrrrrnnnnnnn!

 

So, what seems to be the problem?
Mittens here has been a bit frisky, recently. Can you see if there's anything wrong?
Good grief! This feline has an extra eyeball on it's back! And she appears to have a tax return forcibly inserted in her rectum.
Ah, yes. That may be my fault.
Really?
Well, the form did say it had to be completed in triple eye cat.

 

Mr Jesus, what will I be when I grow up?
Little girl, I can show you the future. You just need to gaze deep into my rectum and BEHOLD...
Blowjob for fifty bucks?
Sorry, I can't afford that. I'm saving for the £14,000 Apple Watch.
That hardly seems plausible.
I know! £14k for an Apple Watch? That is fucked up!

Showing page 9.

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