All comics by lukket

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by lukket
9-27-05
That's IT! I'm going 40 days without jerkin' my yerkin. Starting NOW!!!
Pray tell, how will your member feel when you continue stroking it in 40 days?
That's a good question, soldier, I feel I have to express myself in song!
Go on!
o/" Like a yerkin / jerked for the very first time / like a ye-er-er-er-kin / when I wank it / all the time o/"
Gonna give you all my love, boy

 

by lukket
9-27-05
That's IT! I'm going 40 days without jerkin' my yerkin. Starting NOW!!!
Dad? What's that box you just put up on the wall?
Um. It's nothing.
I think I know, so just say it.
Well, we're going to be so busy for the next 40 days that all other things will have to wait.
Yes! You got a fat broadband connection for playing Counter Strike!

 

by lukket
9-27-05
That's IT! I'm going 40 days without jerkin' my yerkin. Starting NOW!!!
Oh...
What would you like?
It... it doesn't matter now. You can't give me what I want.
We have seventy varieties of pizza - surely there must be something for you?
Not if you're all out of special sauce.

 

I'm here to apply for the superhero job, though my throat is a bit sore.
You can become kaufman!
by lukket, 9-30-05

 

Bewww, you're no better than a rabid weasle.
What about you, can't even say "booh" right!
by lukket, 10-01-05

 

by lukket
10-01-05
Well Mr. Did you see a man in a green shirt?
I only saw people in the family.
This is a big wedding reception. Surely there must be people from your bride's family as well?
Officer, do I need to remind me that we are in Arkansas?
Sorry. Stupid questioning of me.
Don't worry. I won't take you out of here and shoot you like I... um... any more questions?

 

by lukket
10-01-05
I understand that you're the bride. Have you noticed a guy with a green sweater whom you don't know?
What did the groom say?
He said he hadn't ... wait a minute ... I ask you
Um... I haven't ... seen him before.
Say, why do you store maple syrup in the trunk of your car?
We don't.

 

by lukket
10-01-05
Your husband said that the thick red-brown fluid leaking from your car is maple syrup!
Oh no! ... Well... since you know the truth I have to admit that ... we ... are ... um ... maple syrup smugglers!
What!?
You see, we drive to Vermont and fill up the trunk with maple syrup and smuggle it to here.
That's hardly an offence, mam, unless of course you don't pay sales tax when you resell it!
We do it for the thrill of it.

 

by lukket
10-01-05
I'm sorry mam, but I have to check the boot of your car.
On what grounds?
The parking space just outside this place.
You can't do that - the sanctity of private property and all that.
I can also just charge you with murder.
Want to check my bootie instead, sweetie?

 

by lukket
10-01-05
You can't seduce your way out of this mam.
Aww....
What on earth was that?!
It sounds like troubles are over.

 

by lukket
10-01-05
What happened here mister!
I saw the missing wedding singer! He was a suicide bomber lurking behind my car. He blew up the neighbourhood in the process shouting "Free Willy!"
Free as in beer or freedom, willy as in the slang expression for a man's organs or as in the name?
I don't know. I couldn't ask him. He just blew up.
Why should I believe you, mister?
You can't ask the deseased now, can you? I get so mad to think of all that sweet maple syrup that was destroyed!

 

by lukket
10-01-05
Oh well. I'll have to send in the forensic team, but I doubt they'll find anything, so I guess you're free to go.
That's a fair cop.
Um. My car is damaged. Can I join your party while I wait for a replacement?
Of course, I'll get you a badge and a campaign sticker!

 

by lukket
10-02-05
Sacramento, CA
I've just talked to Arnold, and he's not pleased to hear that there are people that want to recall him.
We've got to stop it some way.
Yeah.
I wish I had a good idea.
We're not pay to have good ideas - we're gubernatorial aides, remember?
Oh sorry. One shoddy idea coming up.

 

by lukket
10-02-05
You've had plenty of time to think up something. Let me hear it.
Um... you know, Jeb Bush is still governor of Florida though he does a mediocre job.
Yeah. I always wondered why.
Well... it has something to do with the large number of senior citizens in his state
Um... they provide the state with enough taxes to make things work properly?
No. They are so old that they get alzheimer's and stuff. They simply can't recall him!

 

by lukket
10-02-05
So you suggest we get a lot of old people to move to California that can't recall our governor?
Um no. That would just cramp our style.
Um.. what about legalizing marihuana?
Good idea, but you have to remember that our governor is a Republican.
Ah. I got it. Let's put something in the drinking water that make people forgetful!
Consider it done!

 

by lukket
10-02-05
I've just talked to Arnold, and he's not pleased to hear that there are people that don't recall him.
Wasn't that the purpose of all this?
Well... people no longer recall him from his movies. That's very bad for his self-image.
His campaign movies?
You know... he was in Terminator? Have you been drinking water again?
Oh sorry. It just tastes so funny like you know ... that ... um ... red brown drink... just without the same taste or sparkles.

 

by lukket
10-02-05
The next day
I hope you have stopped drinking water. Now, Arnold wants me to stop adding memory eating powder to the water.
But won't people be able to recall him again?
Well, that's what he wants.
I thought he wouldn't like to be recalled?
You're thinking again. We're not paid to do that.
Oh sorry. I forgot. Must've been all that water, mate.

 

by lukket
10-02-05
... but according to a spokesman from Pepsi, the rumours are false, and Kanye West is still ...
Hold it right there. We've got important breaking news. Steve, you've got an exclusive live interview with lukket!?
That's right Katie. Now lukket, you want to run CC 300. Why?
It's not a question of what I want. Everybody here would be more than happy to see a CC without any of my comics, and if I win CC 299, everybody wins.
He's got a strong point there!
Yeah. This is going to be a very easy decision for flickguy.

 

by lukket
10-05-05
How was the grand opening in the new indie record store?
Pft. It was a total sellout.
Did they carry Christina Aguilera's music? Was it a pro-Bush venture? Did Robbie Williams give autographs?
No, it was worse; everybody was able to buy a lot of hard-to-find stuff at cheap prices.
Oh no! Other people than you and I will know bands like "Jupiter Day" and "Money Your Love".

 

by lukket
10-19-05
Were you molested?
Uh... no. I'll tell you what happened. I was twelve years old and on a vacation with my newly divorced dad.
Look Johnny. I'm going to town to get laid with a cheap floozie. I won't be home till the morning.
OK daddy. I will go sleep at my new friend Susan's place.
Later that night
Susan!? Daddy!?

 

by lukket
10-19-05
Doctor, I feel so strange as if a poisin has taken over me and forced me to be an addict.
o/' YOUR LIFE WILL SOON BE LOST UNLESS YOU PAY MY COST. BUT FOR A 100 BUCK BANK NOTE, I'LL GIVE YOU ANTIDOTE o/'
You're looking worse than ever. What's up?
My Sicilian doctor has been extorting me by giving me a poison and refusing to give me the antidote till I have paid my dues.
Really, I may have to avoid going to him too. What was his name?
Luciano Payupordie

 

by lukket
10-20-05
This is for you, Kaufman
Owww... that really hurt.
o/' THE PAIN YOU FEEL MAY MAKE YOU SQUEAL, BUT THINK OF MY THRILL AND PLEASURE WHEN I USED THE DRILL ON MY LEISURE o/'
Did you find a proper dentist this time?
Oh yes. She basically reconstructed my mouth for a few hours. My jaw is still sore. She really lived up to her name.
She sounds like an effective lady. What's her name then?
Maria Callous

 

by lukket
10-23-05
I've been thrown out from a convent and now I come to apply for the job as a nanny. I will give your children fun and freedom that you won't approve of, and you and I will be lovers in the end
Uh... I'm not sure, but the last thing sounds great. You're hired.
o/' Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens o/'
o/' I'm here to tell you that singin's forbidden. We German soldiers don't want you to cheer, pack all your luggage and get out of here o/'
o/' The hills are alive with the sound of music o/'
That's not the sound of music. That's the sound of German guns, and if you don't stop singing, you'll give us away.

 

by lukket
10-23-05
The Fellowship of the Ring
Frodo, I want you to take this ring and throw it away in Mordor. I'll find some other gullible brave men to accompany you.
Why don't you do it yourself?
The Two Towers
Frodo, have you thrown away the ring yet?
Can't you see I'm in the middle of an epic battle?
The Return of the King
Frodo, you did a brave thing by throwing that ring into the volcano.
WTF are you doing here? Why didn't you do it yourself?

 

by lukket
10-23-05
Oh darling, this is so sweet. 1,000,000 little fish babies; what shall we name them all?
I think we should call this one Nemo. You just find names for the rest, sweetie.
Have you seen my son, Nemo?
I don't know. I'm so confused that I don't know if I am he, but I'll follow you on your quest to find him.
Oh there you are Nemo.
I told you, you shouldn't be worried, dad.

 

by lukket
10-23-05
We all know this situation. You impregnated someone at an Asian brothel, and nine years after you get tracked down by the daughter you didn't know you had.
Hi dad!
Mifegyne doesn't help you now, and the child wants your precious money.
Fi dolla!
With the all new pill "Nevaborne", the problem will be solved instantly.
Dad!

 

Um... I don't think you really want a Danish style club sandwich...
That's it. I'm going home.
by lukket, 11-06-05

 

That's it. I'm going home.
How could I know she didn't want that Thai lady boy!
by lukket, 11-06-05

 

No, I don't know you. Should I?
That's it. I'm going home.
by lukket, 11-06-05

 

by lukket
11-10-05
I really don't get it.
I mean, she asked for it.
Why else, would she sing "Hit me baby one more time" ?

 

by lukket
11-10-05
Power greed really got the better of me today.
It was a great meeting at the magic circle.
I just should'nt have asked to be made chair.

 

by lukket
11-10-05
I thought I'd never like the bible.
It just seemed like some old and tired stories.
But the story of burning Bush really got me inspired.

 

by lukket
11-12-05
I bought this bench for $5,000 on eBay because it was the one used in "Forrest Gump".
At least that's what the seller told me they wrote in the bench press.

 

by lukket
11-12-05
I've had your rhetoric abilities under scrutiny, and do I have good news for you!
You're not implying that my pauses...
Do go on!
Yes! They're finally pregnant!

 

by lukket
11-12-05
Can you spare a cup of coffee for a homeless dot-com worker?
Um...
You're not trying to mug me, are you?

 

by lukket
11-12-05
Crime scenes freak me out.
Excuse me Mr, can you tell me where there's a hardware shop around here?
Oh yes... it's just ... oh my!
It's just what?

 

by lukket
11-12-05
Oh sorry. I'm Hank Luis and here's the channel 3 news. Kimmie, get out from under that table.
My co-host today is the beautiful Kimmie Cox. Thanks for coming.
No, thank you!

 

by lukket
11-12-05
I just don't get the concept of peanut butter.
I mean, I know that peanuts are easy to part in halves like buns.
But why would you butter them?
I better not talk to him about chestnuts.

 

by lukket
11-13-05
Hank, what should I do, I have a pumpkin here who wants peanut butter.
I should use the alarm button? Why? No. It's not a pump gun, it's a pumpkin! Yes I know it sounds weird,
Sorry mate. We don't serve your kind.
Would it help if I brought a pump gun?

 

by lukket
11-13-05
Welcome to my new show. Allow me to introduce the world's smallest sidekick, Joe the Pygmy!
Hello Steve!
You know. This doesn't work. Everyone can see that it's just a puppet.
Talk to the hand 'cause I'm not listening.

 

by lukket
11-13-05
I had planned to do a Woody Allen reference in my standup show.
But in this state there is a law against doing Woody Allen parodies Wednesday, Thursday and Monday after 6PM!

 

by lukket
11-17-05
Gadunk gadunk gadunk gadunk
Gosh, I suddenly realize why they call them Mitsubishis
Yeah. It's their logo on the pills. Didn't you know that?
weee dunk dunk dunk weee
I did. It's not that.
You feel like beeing run over by a Japanese car?
gachoink cachink gachoink
No. I just feel like a Mitsubishi.
Ah, cheap, tiny interior and very nice headlights.

 

by lukket
11-21-05
It's been quiet for some time now.
Yes! I don't have that tumor anymore.
What tumor?
You know, the one that made me think I could talk to my com... oh crud.

 

You want Barin? But isn't Flash Gordon terribly outdated?
by lukket, 11-21-05

 

by lukket
11-26-05
I love cream pies. I know chocolate pies is the thing these days, but it doesn't do anything for me.
I really like cream pies, so yesterday I looked up cream pie recipes on the internet.
Now I'm not so sure.

 

by lukket
11-26-05
What I'd like to eat? I'd like to eat something that has been prepared from the best ingredients and the best recipes.
I'd like to eat something that tastes good, is healthy, freshly made and served in an appealing manner.
But today I can only afford to eat here.

 

by lukket
11-26-05
I took a frying pan added some olive oil, heated it up chopped up some scallots and let it have a few moments of intense heat.
I added a little brandy, set it on fire and after the flames died out I added the stock from the roast and reduced it by half. After that I added full cream.
I then chopped up the roast and served it wih the sauce and roasted potatoes.
That's a good recipe, but what does that have to do with my missing father?

 

by lukket
11-26-05
And then Lt. Dan tole me that he had put all of our nuts in a tree.
And all of them other squirrels had all eaten up their nuts so when that there harsh winter came we suh-vived and the other squirrels died.
My mother always tole me: Life is like a box of almond chocolates. You never know what you gets!

 

by lukket
11-26-05
I always have a large cucumber in the fridge for when my husband isn't at home.
And then I do just like the greek women do.
I chop it up and make tzatziki.

 

by lukket
11-27-05
Have you ever wondered if your life matters to anyone else?
Well? Did you think up your answer?
Sorry. Didn't notice you.

Showing page 9.

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