All comics by ArtemisStrong

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by ArtemisStrong
10-27-02
What? What do you want now?
To petition for the souls of the righteous.
Well, fine. I don't see what you possibly have to offer that could sway my potent thirst for fresh souls, though.
Err... How about? Uhh.. Well... maybe, as sorta' like a personal favor to me?
Hmmmm... Hurm... Hmmmmmmmmmm... Huh... Ah-hehmmmm... Hmmmmm-mmm-mmmhm... Uh... No.
Fucking Satan.

 

by ArtemisStrong
10-27-02
Oof. I know he's gonna go to town with this one.. but I really got to know...
Dude? What's wrong? You have that dopey look on your face like you want to ask me something.
Well, yeah. I was kinda' wondering... and don't make fun of me.. but. Does this loincloth make me look fat?
Shit man, you must think real lowly of me. Is that all I am to you, just some sort of agitator?
Boy, you're exceptionally surly this morning.
Yeah, well you try hanging from holes driven through your palms all day and see how chipper you are. ... uh... oh...

 

by ArtemisStrong
10-27-02
Hey, do you ever wonder why society doesn't tolerate sex with animals, yet accepts their brutal slaying and the consumption of their burnt flesh?
What?!? What are you talking about? What's your problem, man?
Nothing. Just a thought. One of those things I think about up here.
Well, didja' ever think about not sharing these things with me sometimes and just keeping 'em to yourself?
Man... what crawled up his ass today?
I might have to slug this guy REAL soon...

 

by ArtemisStrong
10-27-02
What is taking so long?
Well, finally!
Sorry man. The line at Wendy's was huge. And they were out of chili so I got you a baked potato.

 

by ArtemisStrong
10-27-02
Hey! H-hey! Satan? Can I ask a favor of you?
Sure. Just walk away. Fucking Beelzebub.

 

by ArtemisStrong
10-27-02
I learned a very important lesson today.
Never, ever put Vick's Vapo Rub on your erect penis.
Let's just say it's not as much fun as it may seem on paper, and leave it at that.

 

by ArtemisStrong
10-28-02
How was that chili dog?
BUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRAAAPPPP!!!!
I told you that you needed to reinforce your crosses' base....

 

by ArtemisStrong
10-28-02
Don't even bother man. I know you're sneaking up on me. I'm omniscient, remember?
Dizzamn.

 

by ArtemisStrong
10-30-02
Oh I hope, hope, hope...
Hope... hope... hope...
Please, God, please...
Let him be receptive to my requests...
Priests can be such pussies sometimes.
So.. ah, Satan... Satan? Can I beg of you to have mercy on the souls of my recently departed wayward brethren?
Shut up and go get me a bagel, worm!

 

by ArtemisStrong
10-30-02
... And another thing, make sure you clean up the conference room... Y'know, my patience with you is worn VERY thin. Shape up, man.
Of course, Dark Lord of the Underworld.
Hurmph. Wait 'til he sees the half-assed job I do at cleaning. He can just go bugger himself for all I care.
Don't think I'm not still monitoring your thoughts, mortal. Now go get a move on. Time is money! Chop-Chop!
Yes, your Great Foulness

 

Night Time At Jesus Hill
Hey, I was just like, wondering... Do you ever dream of, like, sexing up your grandma?
Bro...
by ArtemisStrong, 10-30-02

 

by ArtemisStrong
10-30-02
Alright man, I'll check you later! What's that? ... Yeah?... No shit! AHAHAH-HAH-HAHAH! Okay, bro, see ya'll soon!
Wh-what were you and Satan talking about? What was so funny? Were you talking about me?
Stow it, man. I mean, come on, gimme a break.
No, but I heard my name. What were you guys talking about? What did he say about me? Come on, tell me!
Dude, just... Nevermind. I- BAH-HAH-HAA. I can't even L-Look at you, with-without c-cracking up-PAHAHAHAH! Shit that's gonna' be hilarious!

 

by ArtemisStrong
10-30-02
Grrrrrrrnnnghhhhhh!
Grahh!
*BRAPPPPARP!*
Ahhhhhhh... Relief.

 

by ArtemisStrong
10-31-02
My hot, stinky libido is the driving force behind my rockin' persona! I'm going to attract mucho chicks with my sexual onstage antics and phallic guitar!
Hey, mister. You got funny hair. Play me a song, will ya'?
I'm doing something wrong...
Make it something cheery and bubbly. Something I can dance to.

 

by ArtemisStrong
10-31-02
Phone? Phone, dial the pizza place for me.
Tell them I want 2 (two) large pizzas, 1 (one) with mushrooms, the other with pepperoni. Pronto!... Phone? Phone, respond please.
Damn hillbillies will never understand the information era.
I think the damn-blasted thing's broken.

 

by ArtemisStrong
11-01-02
I hope this storm lets up soon. I might get completely covered by new snow, and the children will forget me...
...Nahhh. That's ridiculous. They love me. They can't forget. They'll dust me off, and everything will be fun again.

 

by ArtemisStrong
11-01-02
So, what'd you want me to tell her again?
Ask her what she thought of me. But make it casual! Ease her into it.
Would you fuck Barry? The guy from last night?
EHHH!
What, dude? Too subtle?
What do you think she means by "restraining order"? That's a typo, right?

 

by ArtemisStrong
11-02-02

 

by ArtemisStrong
11-03-02
Ohh.. the big day's almost upon us!!! You excited, Paulo?
Excited as I'll ever be!
It's nice we can have these informal chats from time to time, Paulo.
Sure is, sir! Very nice.
Back to work now, Paulo. I don't pay you to stand around looking stupid.
Right away, sir! I love my work!

 

by ArtemisStrong
11-19-02
Oh yes... so today, I got a form letter informing me that I was no longer being considered for a place in the grocery department of my local supermarket. Y'know... the guy who sprays the carrots?
Which is good. I know I'm better than that. Just means I'm over-qualified. That's actually the response I was looking for. Really bolsters my self-image.
So.. uhmm... does anyone have any pre-tied nooses availbale on eBay? Maybe some razors?... A screwdriver? Anything...

 

by ArtemisStrong
11-20-02
What do you want for Christmas dude? I'm hoping for a Gameboy Advance.
Ehh? Well, maybe, like, I dunno... A Bacardi gift set, complete with collector's shot glasses.
But doesn't it say in Proverbs, Chapter 23, Verse 20, "Do not associate with winebibbers; be not among them nor among gluttonous eaters of meat."?
Preachy, preachy. So.. what.. y-you think you're better than me? Is that what it is, huh? So that's how it's gonna be?!
No, it's not your alcohol dependency that bothers me... it's your temper, and your attitude, and the fact you always-
It's because I'm black, aint it? Just- Just don't talk to me... (cracker-ass cracker)

 

by ArtemisStrong
11-20-02
Shh! Don't let anyone know I'm back here, okay? I'm having a sulk.
Nice day for a sulk...
I like the smell back here... Reminds me of Grape Fanta.

 

by ArtemisStrong
11-20-02
Hurm.. What's this here, a new decoration?
Ow! Fucking Chibas! I think I.. owwwwwww... I think I... got a pine needle in my eye!
And I was just about to beat on the brat! Can't even get off a good wank today...

 

by ArtemisStrong
11-20-02
Ohh, wait! I think I've found the first present under the tree! It's stuffed between two of the branches... And it's addressed to ME!
And.. It's... ahhhh... soap... A bar of soap? Soap? Soap!
Oh, but it's scented with slight accents of jasmine... great... boo-yah... awesome... totally tubular.

 

by ArtemisStrong
11-20-02
The smell of jasmine has me... strangely aroused... Oh, it appears my "Christmas Log" has returned.
Mmmm... ohh yeh... oh yehhh... mmmm... oh, Oprah, allow me... uhhhhh...
Gross... Hands all sticky now... But I didn't feel like I ca- Oh, crap! I got sap all over me! Fuckfarts!!

 

by ArtemisStrong
11-20-02
Well, it's getting late, better come out now.
I think the "Dancing Midget" episode of Peaks is on Bravo in a few minutes...
"W-W-Where she'ssss frrrom, the birds sssing a pretty song."

 

No, not even when facing Armageddon. Never compromise.
And I'm a-sposed to go to the U.N. with that?
by ArtemisStrong, 11-20-02

 

by ArtemisStrong
11-21-02
So... I was wondering... If, like, you could... uhmm... relent from your pursuit of absolute power and rest the reins of civilization from your grasp?
Phhp! Get the fuck outta here!
Couldn't you at least THINK about it?
Think about this: If you don't screw this instant, five hundred AIDs infested mosquitoes will fly up your puckered asshole and come barreling out the top of your skull.
Fine, I'm leaving then. (Know where I'm not wanted...)
Damn straight you's leaving! And I don't want to see you back here again, lousing the place up with your "pleas for mercy" crapola!

 

by ArtemisStrong
11-21-02
*Meep, Meep* I'm here to serve. *Meep* What can I do for you next? *Meep*
*Meep, Meep* I'm here to serve. *Meep* What can I do for you next? *Meep*
*Meep, Meep* I'm here to serve. *Meep* What can I do for you next? *Meep*
*Meep, Meep* I'm here to serve. *Meep* What can I do for you next? *Meep*
When's break. I need a friggin' cigarette already...
*Meep, Meep* I'm here to serve. *Meep* What can I do for you next? *Meep*

 

by ArtemisStrong
11-21-02
To all my fellow citizens, I say "UNITE!" We must consolidate our forces to fight our industrial-corporate slavemasters.
Who's with me? Huh? Who will follow my lead to crush our oppressors?
"SIEG HEIL!!!!!"
Uhh... I think I've erred somewhere.
"SIEG HEIL, SIEG HEIL, SIEG HEIL!!!!"

 

by ArtemisStrong
11-21-02
Hurm.. What's wrong? Why is Yahoo taking so long to load?
"You... have been weighed... in the ba-... balances and have been found... wanting." ???
MUTHA' FUCKIN STRIPCREATOR USERS!

 

by ArtemisStrong
11-21-02
Fayd... Fayyyyd... My precious Fayd...
So beautiful...
I want to kill that Paul Atreides.
And you'll get your chance soon enough... BRING ME MY BOY-SERVANT!!!

 

by ArtemisStrong
11-21-02
Yo, peace sistah'. I'm here to usher you off ta da plane of the netherworld.
Wait... Isn't an angel with a black cowl supposed to do this stuff?
Well, generally... yah. But he had some business to take care of downtown. So I'm fillin' in.
Really? And this is common?
Yah.. well... Listen, lady, I don't have time for you to grill me on this shit. Let's roll.

 

by ArtemisStrong
11-21-02
Y'know, that Grim Reaper dude aint the first guy to do this shit and shit, y'know?
Before him, it was always up to my man Hermes. If you don't know who that is... Dude looks like The Flash, y'all heard?
Grams? Grams? Grams! (Yo, she deff or what?) GA-RAMS!!! ...Ohh, shee-it... Left the mutha' fuckin' soul and took da body again. Fizzuck!

 

by ArtemisStrong
11-21-02
Damn Reaperman coulda' damn well showed me the goddamn ropes before he left me in damn charge of this shit.
Now I gotta deliver this body back to the place of its death. I hope that ho's soul didn't run off anywhere.
!
Sonny? Sonny? Could you help an old, helpless lady out with her support hose?

 

by ArtemisStrong
11-21-02
I... I hear someone... It's faint... A lady's voice, I think.
Sonny? Sonny, it's me, the enfeebled old woman in front of you. I need help with my supportive undergarments.
What? What was th- "Until"... "Until March Fifth"? Is that what you said?
UN-DER-GAR-MENTS! Undergarments... my unmentionables.
"Go Munch Some Assholes"? God, I need to see a doctor I think... or at least get out more...
Oh, my. He misheard me completely. Doesn't that beat all? "Beat it in the head with a fucking huge dildo", my grammy used to say.

 

by ArtemisStrong
11-24-02
I've got to get to the shrink's. Old lady voices in my head make for disturbing mid-afternoon conversation.
Where ya' goin', kiddo? Come back! Come back and help granny with her delicate bloomers!
Commmmme baaaaack... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... hurm...
?
Ma'am, who were you talking to? Are you lost? Do you need help with anything?

 

by ArtemisStrong
12-02-02
Little man, could you help me with my undergarments? They appear to be slipping right off...
Well, uhh... Maybe you could put your hand on my shoulder for balance as YOU pull them up.
No, that's no good. I have terrible arthritis.
Oh... oh... oh... uhmmm... oh... Okay... Fine! I'll do it. Let's just hurry this up!
*Snicker!*
Did she just giggle?

 

by ArtemisStrong
12-02-02
There! We're done. Underpants are firmly in place, held by their tight grasp around the cellulite-pocked and veiny expanse of your pale belly!
Hehehehheheheeh....
Oh God! I think she had me do that for kicks!
What the hell is that on the horizon? A flying pimp?
I must go home to weep under my bed!!!

 

by ArtemisStrong
12-02-02
Granny, what da' fug was jus' goin' on up in here?
Leave me alone, strange street person! I'll scream!
Scream? Now why the fug you gonna' go and do a thing like that? It's ME, baby! Mavis! Remember?
POLICE!!!!! RAPE!!! MUGGING!!! BLACK PERSON!!!
Fuck this shee-at, brutha's gotta roll on out!
PO-LICIA!!! MUERTO!!! EL DIABLO NEGRO!!!

 

by ArtemisStrong
12-02-02
Time for Mavis to fly on up outta' here! Nipple-Nipple, Tweak-Tweak, Fly-Pimp-Fly!
POLICE!!! ATTEMPTED RAPE IN PROGRESS!! HE'S GOING TO VIOLATE ME WITH HIS UNCUT MEMBER!!!
Wait a second here? Who's that kid in the bushes over there? Hey, kid! Whatchoo' got over there? Come on out here, boy, come on out'chere I say!
POLICE!! HELP ME FR- ohhh... uhhh...
Granny? You okay?
... ... ...

 

by ArtemisStrong
12-02-02
Granny? Hmmm... What the hell? It's like she's dead.. but... This is her soul... How could it be dead?
Maybe that lil' white kid in da' bushes can solve a few of my queries...
*EEP!*
Yo, whiteboy! Come on out here and jaw with me a bit!

 

by ArtemisStrong
12-02-02
Leave me alone, scary black-man!
Come on out, kid, I wont hurt you. I'm a saint actually.
Saint? There're black saints?
Hell yah, man! But forget that, what's up with granny over there? I saw you watching the whole thing from these bushes.
Wow. Black saints. Heh.
*TSST* White people...

 

by ArtemisStrong
12-02-02
So, anyhow... the old lady... Well, okay, I'm a powerful psychic, y'see?
Yesss...
And, well, I came across her lifeless body in the street, and so, feeling frisky, I decided to have some fun...
Sure, we've all been there before...
...And so I took control of her body and- Wait, did you just say "We've all been there before?"
Yah... friskiness and dead grannies go hand in hand. Oh. Uhm... forget I said that, 'kay? A-heh-heh-hehawwwww... awwrrrr... Christ...

 

by ArtemisStrong
12-02-02
So, anyhow, I took control of granny's body, and decided to ensnare some of the dull-witted townsfolk into performing icky and potentially damning acts with an old woman's corpse.
Ahh... hmm...
'Course, the first attempt didn't work out. Dude was ill in the head or some shit. But then the next guy-
Hey, kid, sorry to interrupt, but is it just me, or is this place flooding?
Oh shit, yer right! Is this a sign from God Almighty that I shouldn't use peoples' cadavers for fun and sport?
Uhh. sure.. That's what God's sayin' and shit and shit... something like that. Look, gotta' jet. Peace out!

 

by ArtemisStrong
12-02-02
So then if dis on the ground really IS Granny's corpse, then-
What the hell is up wiff dis? I mean, dis soul be all dead or some shit!
Ahh-Huhn? Wha-What was that? What's all this yelling, now?
Fucking Reaper... Next time I see him, we's gonna' rumble!

 

by ArtemisStrong
12-02-02
Son, you startled me.
You fell asleep?
Yes. Oh, not because of your delightful stories, though. I just had missed my mid-mid-morning nap today...
Souls can sleep? Why couldn't Reaperman have briefed me a little better? Sheeeit.
So, now... what?
We be off again, grams! Hold onto your panties, we's takin' off right quick this time!

 

by ArtemisStrong
12-02-02
Well, well, well. Looky who we got here. Reaperman! See you're back early. Well, I've brought the only soul I was able to harvest today, what with all the lack of information you be providing me.
This is the wrong soul.

 

by ArtemisStrong
12-02-02
Well, here ya' go granny. Sorry 'bout all the troubles and mix-ups.
Oh, it's perfectly fine. I had a jolly time, and you were good company.
Well, I'm out! See ya' later, grams!
What a nice young man. Oh, heavens, now where did I leave my purse?
Ahh... Young sir. Can I ask of your help on something?
Gahhhhhh, Undead Granma! Yaghhhh... Ahem... Uhh...Okay, what can I help ya' with?...

 

by ArtemisStrong
12-02-02
Can I get on there now? I just finished watching the news, and I'm all horny from that HOT newschick!
Hold on... Just finishing up polluting a forum with thousands of gay-joke posts...
Hurm... Ergghhh.... Hufff... Can't you just finish this later?!
Can't you just wack it without being online?
Sadly, no...
Ok... Hold on... "F-A-G-G-I-T"... There done.

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