All comics by PennyDreadful

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by PennyDreadful
7-28-10
I can't believe that the Old Testament God Yahweh showed up and expects me to sacrifice a goat in his honor. ----What makes it worse is that I'm a Goddamned Vegan! Why a goat?
So...any cloven hoofed beast could be substituted...hmmmm....
It all has to do with the belief that any beast with a cloven hoof is related to "the devil"---so of course is thought of as being evil and unclean. It says something about it in Leviticus.
Where are you going?
To ritualistically sacrifice the entire cast of ICarly. ----------------You owe me one.

 

by PennyDreadful
7-28-10
I vant to suck your blood!
Are you going to make me the most important thing in your vampire universe, making me yours eternally? Are you going to introduce me to your vampire family while eternally protecting me from harm ?
Ever since those awful movies came out, every female with a vein full of hemoglobin wants romance and eternal commitment. I'm just trying to get some one night neck action!
So, what's the plan for tonight?
We're going to let that Pattison bastard know the meaning of the word 'suck'.
I think he already knows...pale little emo jerk couldn't act his way out of a paper bag.-------Hey, Let's take out that douchey little werewolf while we're at it!

 

by PennyDreadful
7-28-10
I would like to report a car jacking. They jumped me and took my car keys, beating me while singing Digital Underground's, "The Humpty Dance".
Hmm...that's a good song. Well, I wish I could help you...but I'm a security guard.
Doesn't that mean that you're the exact person who's SUPPOSED to help me? I mean they're just sitting right there ten feet away. You watched them do it!
Listen, there are two rules of being a security guard, Rule 1--Do as little as you can while still managing to be as self important and condescending as possible for a whopping $9.50 an hour.
And 2,--to grow a mustache that would make Burt Reynolds cry with pride.
I'll just take the bus.----- "I like to rhyme Iike my beats funky--I'm spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy." -----Great. Now I've got that song stuck in my head....AND a possible concussion.

 

by PennyDreadful
7-28-10
'Desperate times call for desperate measures. The first person I see--I'll stick up.'
Okay, you know what this is, so give me what you have!
Dude, I'm Amish...literally all I have in the world is this beard and some butter. ------Wow, you're just shockingly bad at this.
'Okay, that was just a warm up...there's somebody!'
Give me all of your money!
I don't have any worldly posessions, my son. I'm sure if you just asked a higher power--you would find what you are seeking.
'Maybe I should just ask Jesus for what I need.'
Okay, you know what this is and you know what to do!
You're really barking up the wrong tree, ha ha...get it?! Seriously though, I don't have pockets.

 

Excuse me, we're doing a piece about the prevalence of dill-hole hipsters and their overly complicated facial hair. Would you mind if we interview you, Maynard?
by PennyDreadful, 7-28-10

 

by PennyDreadful
7-28-10
Duck Season!
Rabbit Season!
Duck Season!
Rabbit--You know what? Just shoot me.I have been in this rut since the 30's. I have crippling personality defects that make it difficult for me to get through a day. Just put me out of my misery.
Do you have excessive worry or tension that lasts for six months or longer? Cymbalta can help. WARNING: Cymbalta may increase suicidal thoughts and actions in children, teens, and ducks.

 

If dinasaurs had evolved.
So I was telling Megan that I'm going to go to HR if it happens again. ---------------I've been twelve stepping being more assertive.
by PennyDreadful, 7-28-10

 

by PennyDreadful
7-28-10
Jeez, what happened to you?
Just normal zombie stuff. You know who has it bad? That poor bastard Frosty.
Is it just me or am I getting shorter?

 

Kurt in heaven
Dude, you did it the hard way. Courtney is single.
by PennyDreadful, 7-28-10

 

Everyone waits for Jesus's first press conference...
Okay--I don't know what part of, "Love thy neighbor", you assholes didn't understand...
by PennyDreadful, 7-28-10

 

by PennyDreadful
7-28-10
Channel 3's Action News Team---Live at 6.
Our top story tonight...BP,---still completely full of shit.
Also, something sad happened to some people you don't know--and it really doesn't effect you but if you're with other people right now you should probably give an obligatory, "God, that's terrible".
And now it's time for a commercial, but first I'll tease you with something terrible that could be killing your kids right now if you don't keep watching.

 

Wait...the last thing I remember---I was dying of Cancer in the hospital surrounded by my loved ones---then a bright light. But... are you God or Santa?
Look, I'm a Patriarchal symbol with a white beard--and there's unlimited candy---does it really matter?
by PennyDreadful, 7-28-10

 

Okay Harry...I know it's just your first year here at Hogwarts...but since I'm all knowing I'm just going to tell you what's going to happen and not jerk you around for seven years being mysterious.
by PennyDreadful, 7-28-10

 

Oh, I think you're going to buy the shampoo, Sheila.
by PennyDreadful, 7-28-10

 

by PennyDreadful
7-28-10
I can'ta believe she got kidnapped again! There's never even a ransom--I just have to start breaking the bricks and exploring sewer pipes, and when I find her I have to fight a big dragon turtle guy.
It almost seems like she wants to be with him. ---------I make good money as a plumber -- I can have any woman I want.----Screw this.

 

by PennyDreadful
7-28-10
There are hundreds of zombies outside! What are we going to do?!
Well...according to every zombie movie I've ever seen--we have three choices. We either trap ourselves like rats here until they break through our defenses and eat our brains...
Obviously
OR we can break through all of them where at least one of us will surely be killed. OR we can just cop out and head for the mall...
Mall! I vote mall....do they still have Orange Julius anywhere?

 

Okay...don't take this the wrong way, but I'm going to have to give you the hot meat injection.
by PennyDreadful, 7-28-10

 

Well I'm sorry Dad, if your plan for me just doesn't sound that good. It's just that I'd rather spend a couple of semesters at the community college instead of going into the family business.
You're just like your mother.
by PennyDreadful, 7-28-10

 

by PennyDreadful
8-04-10
Okay Penny, we'll just need one other form of I.D. to activate your account.
But I gave you my birth certificate, social security card and driver's license.
Yes but anyone sneaking into the country can easily have those documents faked.
Okay, so what do you need?
We need either a gym membership card or a Sam's Club I.D.
So...terrorists can fake a birth certificate, but their weakness is in recreating a Bally's I.D.?

 

by PennyDreadful
8-05-10
Back in the God awful days when I had to eat Gluten free...crap like this happened all the time.
Welcome to The Fly Trap, would you like to try our Carnivore Combo?
That's okay, I'd like the tacos but they can't touch other food. I'm very allergic to wheat.
You're allergic to meat?
No. I'm allergic to WHEAT.
You're allergic to weed?
Is that an option? I think I'm ordering off the wrong menu.

 

by PennyDreadful
8-05-10
"I can't believe you didn't check for Polyps AND you ate all my cashews!"
Well, I wouldn't have thought that they could manage to make having a Colonoscopy into a reality show...but that Rupert Murdoch really knows his stuff.
Come on! Just bypass the ileo-anal pouch and check for gastrointestinal perferation!
"Rectum'...damn near ruined 'em."
Odd, I have a sudden craving for creamed corn.

 

by PennyDreadful
8-05-10
Hmm...a Craigslist job for a personal assistant with film knowledge. That sounds up my alley.
I just hope the response doesn't contain the words, "French Maid Uniform"...
...again.

 

by PennyDreadful
8-06-10
Honey, I have to settle on some characters to represent us in these comics. I've been sticking with this anonymous brunette...and I was thinking of this for you.
Hmmm...Nah.
I don't remember you being this picky when we were picking out names for our children.
Closer...but no.
I'm not sure about the beastiality implications of this...but it IS fitting somehow.
Definitely. I AM horny.

 

by PennyDreadful
8-06-10
It was then I realized that maybe I dress this way to keep everyone else at distance.
Right, because of the way your Dad withheld love from you. But at least your Dad was around occasionally.
I don't know if I pillage because I enjoy it, or because it's expected of me.
The only way this strip could be gayer, is if Heath Ledger came back from the dead and cornholed me in my ass-less chaps.

 

by PennyDreadful
8-07-10
You know that stupid game, where you take your first pet's name and the first street you lived on, and that's your porn name?
Yeah, I'm Scooter Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd.
I came up with a new version where you take your favorite food and the worst decision you've ever made, and that's the name of your death metal band.
Mine is "Heroin Sushi". How about you?
"Date Rape Tacos".

 

by PennyDreadful
8-09-10
So, I guess you know it's my birthday tomorrow.
Of course, Mom.
I think here is when I'm supposed to say that all I want is a hand-made card and a necklace made out of pipe cleaners...
but now that you're thirteen I think it's time you know the truth. I was in labor with you for 26 hours...and it hurt. So seriously, what are you getting me?
The gift of friendship?

 

Watching a group of white people dance, makes me realize that there can not possibly be a God.
by PennyDreadful, 8-11-10

 

Is it true what they say about dolphins being so horny that they try to have sex with humans?
Big time. We're known as the lounge lizards of the ocean. But that won't stop twelve year old girls and Christian women from thinking we're adorable.
by PennyDreadful, 8-11-10

 

by PennyDreadful
8-11-10
Your art is bold, yet yielding. It drives me to the edge of insanity and then kicks me naked and screaming out of the car. It evokes a playful sadness that make me feel held by the divine feminine.
What medium do you work with?
It's 10% my own feces, and 90% the shit that drops out of the mouths of you gallery types.

 

by PennyDreadful
8-12-10
I've had it with our co-dependant--abusive relationship, Matt!Did you ever think that maybe I'D like some roses once in awhile?!
I honestly can't even remember the last time you let me gore you.
Would it help if I let you gore me really hard tonight, Muerto?
Full D.P.?

 

by PennyDreadful
8-12-10
I guess you know all about The Hardy Boys.
Oh, I've been a "hardy boy" for a good five minutes.
I was just investigating the unforgivable crime of keeping two such luscious rib cushions locked up in that hoodie, Pumpkin Tits.
Good thing you were smuggling that "Itty Bitty Book Light" in your pants or that might have hurt. I recommend you read, "Eat, Pray, Love your new life with detatched testicles."

 

by PennyDreadful
8-13-10
Well, Mrs.Picklesby, patent right law is fairly straight forward. Tell me about your product.
It's one of those advanced home pregnancy tests.
Hmmmm..there's a growing market for faster responding and more accurate pregnancy tests.
It's not any faster or more accurate...it's just a clearer result message.
What does it say?
It reads "whore" if she's pregnant--and "lucky whore" if she's not.

 

by PennyDreadful
8-13-10
Is it true what they say about Elephants?
I don't know how that rumor even got started.
No. Elephants do NOT hate black people.

 

by PennyDreadful
8-13-10
Okay, my name is Kevin, I'm a recovering night elf, and I'm here to help you make the difficult transition from WoW...to the real world.
What's the biggest difference between this place and Azeroth, Kevin?
I'm glad you asked. Let me direct you to my assistant, Helga.
Now, in this world, if anyone asks you what your experience level is...you say "PERMANENT VIRGIN".

 

by PennyDreadful
8-13-10
Ready to get ready for bed?
Sure.
Honey...you are aware that brushing our teeth doesn't count as foreplay, right?

 

by PennyDreadful
8-16-10
You ready to lose at some Mario Kart Double Dash?
It is you who will taste the bitter red shells of defeat, Mother.
How about some chain chomp in yo' face, sucka?!
I'm sorry, did you say something? I couldn't hear you over the sound of your characters being electrocuted off the bridge.
It's nice that your teaching our son good sportmanship, Honey.

 

by PennyDreadful
8-16-10
I've toyed with the idea of converting to Buddhism.
We believe, that life as we know it is about suffering.It is only by studying the eight fold path, and viewing reality as it is not as it appears, that we can all attain enlightenment.
Do you have any ceremonies where children are encouraged to drink alcohol every week?
No. Alcohol leads to a loss of mindfulness. We have a tea ceremony.
I think I'll stick with Father McTouchy and free Shiraz Sundays.

 

by PennyDreadful
8-17-10
Alright Ms.Dreadful, I'm going to have to site you for not working Tobor into a strip yet.
Please SC police, I was going to soon...after some more tasteful dick jokes. Give me a chance...
RAAARRR. TOBOR WANT TO GENERATE GRAVITIONS BY CORNOHOLE YOU!
That metal son of a bitch.
Close enough.

 

by PennyDreadful
8-17-10
I swear something slimy just touched my ample bosom...
Oh yes indeedy, B cups say "hello" to my suction cups.

 

by PennyDreadful
8-17-10
So--what'll it be?
The usual.
How many licks does it take? 1----2------3----
The world may never know.

 

by PennyDreadful
8-18-10
Hey Gary, I need you to make sure we're on the same page with sales on any future collaborations. Let's touch base about strategies later--the buzz word is "synergy". Shoot me an email.
I'm sure that he goes home after a long day and just rapes kittens.

 

by PennyDreadful
8-18-10
What are you doing?
We're quietly judging you.

 

by PennyDreadful
8-18-10
I think you might find it interesting to note, sir--that your Mother is so morbidly obese, that it is causing her significant health problems, and she can expect a decrease in life expectancy.
Thank you so much for you concern, sir. I shall see that her personal physician is notified.
Have you been made privy, my dear gentlemen, to the fact that I had intercourse with your sainted Mother last Wednesday after tea?

 

by PennyDreadful
8-18-10
Nice shirt, fag.
Nice American accent in the classic English tale of Robin Hood, Costner.
Way to let my abusive alcoholic father make a full recovery from Testicular Cancer, Death.

 

I would like to apologize for giving all of those people AIDS.
by PennyDreadful, 8-18-10

 

by PennyDreadful
8-18-10
Ma'am, your pussy was smoking.
Baby, your pussy was smokin'!
Remember kids, don't smoke--unless it's to look cool or impress a girl. God, I'm so high right now.

 

by PennyDreadful
8-18-10
I see you.
Fuck off.

 

by PennyDreadful
8-18-10
It's BACON!!!

 

God, she looks great.
by PennyDreadful, 8-18-10

 

by PennyDreadful
8-18-10
Harry, your new familiar makes me feel funny in a way that I've only experienced with Scabbers on one occasion, after we had seen 'An Officer and a Gentlemen'.

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