All comics by Porternotes

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by Porternotes
5-07-14
Derek's doing pretty well tonight.
Yeah, he's in fine form.
He's seems to be choosing his words pretty carefully.
I guess he's taking that letter to the editor pretty seriously.
Hey Derek! Do "F$#% Tha Police"!
We put our attorney on speed dial, right?

 

by Porternotes
5-07-14
Has Matt been in yet today?
No, but I saw on Facebook that he's on his way.
I thought he gave up Facebook.
He's back on due to popular demand. He also admitted to some non-vegan transgressions.
How was that cheese pizza last night?
Facebook made me do it.

 

by Porternotes
5-09-14
So you've got a pretty serious thing going on. That's cool.
Yeah, I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier. I just wanted it to grow naturally, and there's no sense in being public about stuff until we knew for sure.
I understand totally. Congratulations.
Thank you. I appreciate your sentiment.
Yeah, even though I'm devastated, congratulations. Seriously. About the devastation, that is. And the congratulations too. Coffee's on me. A toast to the happy couple.

 

by Porternotes
5-09-14
You can't hold it against Matt, you know, that he's got a girlfriend now. If you'd met someone first, you would be too busy for your friends too.
Oh, I know.
Who knows, maybe she'll have a friend that you can get set up with. This could actually be worked out to your advantage
Oh, I know.
You're still pretty upset, eh?
Betrayed. A man betrayed.

 

by Porternotes
5-09-14
I had the craziest dream.
What was it?
I dreamt that we left the corporate world and opened up a coffee shop. It was full of the most colorful characters. Super-hard work, crazy-long hours. Oh, and we were flat broke.
Well, it was just a dream. We're safe here in the white-collar world. Let's go back to planning a vacation to Europe.
Honey, your alarm is going off. Oh, we forgot to make scones last night for the morning. We need to get going .
My pillow is wet from tears.

 

by Porternotes
5-09-14
Do you have any vegan options?
Do we?! Yes, yes, yes. One of our signature sandwiches is called the Mad Vegan. Wait... can we just take a minute and bask in our coolness?
Can I have a medium breve with that?
Get out.

 

by Porternotes
5-10-14
I really need more hours.
Well, this Summer we're going to start picking up, so you can have your choice of hours.
Great. Thanks. I love working here.
You're doing really well.
I have a family vacation, a couple of weeks at camp and a few other dates marked on the calendar where I can't come in.
You're actually available less.

 

by Porternotes
5-10-14
When you've helped the last customer in line, what do you do next?
I go sit on one of the couches in the cafe.
No, you look at the cleaning duties list and do what's on the list.
Ok. Then I go sit on one of the couches in the cafe.
That cleaning duty list is pretty long.
If we're done here, I'd really like to go sit on one of the couches in the cafe.

 

by Porternotes
5-10-14
Have you decided what you're going to do when you graduate next year?
I don't want to do what either of my parents do. I think being a nurse would be boring, and I would hate working in hospital administration.
Well both of those jobs are important and probably pay pretty well.
Pretty much anything my parents suggest, I'm not interested in.
What do they say about your job here?
They call it a faze I'm going through.

 

by Porternotes
5-11-14
Remember what today is?
Mother's Day!
A day for moms to receive five minute foot rubs!
I gave you a coupon for a free foot rub in your Mother's Day card this morning.
On Mother's Day moms receive foot rubs without redeeming a coupon.
My teacher warned me this could happen.

 

by Porternotes
5-11-14
I was looking at something on YouTube today. It was footage of a possible alien spacecraft on Earth.
I saw that too! The bright lights behind the cloud were totally freaky.
You know there's footage of stuff like that from all over the world.
Yeah. It's crazy. You never hear about it in the mainstream media. And when you do they make fun of it.
Aw man, here we go again.
Three years left, that's all I've got.

 

by Porternotes
5-12-14
I feel like I wish I could slap some customers in the face. Is that bad?
Ha! No, I sometimes take orders from people, and I just want to stab them in the eye with my pen.
Oooo, or give them a judo chop to the voice box if they mispronounce 'espresso'
Yeah, or shave off the skin over their kneecaps with my sandwich knife.
...yeah, but we probably shouldn't do any of that.
Or stuff their mouth with a handful of our past due bills and set their hair on fire and kick them in the stomach until they put the fire out with their own vomit.

 

by Porternotes
5-12-14
Will you look at that? Looks like Matt's got himself a date.
She seems to have been doing most of the talking.
...and I feel like my greatest accomplishments in life occurred because of my devoted faith in my lord and saviour Jesus Christ.
Well, let me tell you the truth about Jesus...
...and she had such cute hair too.

 

by Porternotes
5-12-14
What are you going to do if someone from the shop finds out about Vegan Dad?
What do you mean? I hope the world finds out about Vegan Dad.
You don't really paint a flattering picture of some people.
It's done with love, I'm sure they'd understand it.
I'm just saying, you wouldn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.
I already thought of that. That's why I'm not using phrases like "fucktard" or anything.

 

by Porternotes
5-13-14
So, We've been asked to say a few words about starting your own business. We're what you call 'entrepreneurs'.
Before we start, is there anyone in the class that gets sent to see the school counselor on a regular basis?
Ok, great, so we'll be speaking to you specifically. The rest of you are likely too reasonable to do something this crazy.
Yeah, back to your fancy-pants book learnin', nerdlingers.

 

by Porternotes
5-16-14
You're never too young to start your own business. Maybe you can bake cookies at home and sell them to your friends over lunch.
Those pretty pink tablets from your parents' medicine cabinets can be sold to your friends as well.
imagine fresh baked cookies with organic ingredients instead of the dried up old GMO cookies that will make your grandchildren sterile due to poisons inherited in their fat cells.
Sometimes your mom's medicines taste like Skittles, and make you feel all giggly!
Ok, I'm going to stop right here, obviously we were the wrong choice for this .
If you get an older brother to buy condoms in a big box, you can turn quite a profit selling them individually.

 

by Porternotes
5-19-14
That guy, Frank is really getting under my skin. I'm not sure I'd trust him, if I were you. He's just a little too... I don't know, weird.
He seems harmless, really. As long as he's not disruptive to the other patrons. He has been a bit of a help too, with website work and stuff.
I just don't like how he hides behind his ethnicity. It's like, I know, I get it. You're Jewish. That doesn't give you the right to be an... he's behind me, isn't he?
I hate you.

 

by Porternotes
5-20-14
Matthew, even though I can't stand you, I can not let you and your daughter wind up homeless.
Well, thank you. I appreciate your help. anything that you can afford to give will go to good use.
I, myself was homeless once. All I had was the companionship of my dog. I would go days without eating just so he could survive. I never want anyone else to experience the same thing.
That's incredible! Yes, anything that you can afford to give, we'd appreciate.
Oh, no. I will not be giving you money. But I do have a spare room that you and your daughter can move into. While you get yourself back on track. Please come and be my guest.
...oh...

 

by Porternotes
5-20-14
Of course you can not be alone with Jeffrey. He is not good with children, either.
Yeah, I'm not sure that's going to work out so well.
What? Why not? I have a clean room. I keep a good home. I'm not a criminal, or anything.
Well, I'm not comfortable with my daughter possibly getting bit by your dog.
I've thought about that already. The door to your room will have locks on the outside. If you need to come or go, I'll just put away Jeffrey and then unlock your door for you.
This plan keeps getting worse.

 

by Porternotes
5-20-14
So, are you going to take Frank up on his offer to let you stay at his place?
No. It doesn't sound like the kind of environment I would want my daughter to be in.
He said he'd not charge you any rent.
Yes, but I can't get the image out of my head of Frank sitting in his underwear at his laptop with jelly donut dripped onto his exposed stomach.
You have a terrible imagination.
Actually, he keeps his curtains open.

 

by Porternotes
5-22-14
I've decided that I'm going to leave all of the cafe drama at the cafe. I spend enough time there every day, I don't need to think about the shop or the people when I'm not there.
Bravo. I do that. Whatever happens there stays there. Except the bills.
Well, yeah. I'm just going to leave the cafe when I leave the cafe.
Terrific. Let's go snuggle on the couch.
So, I'm supposed to drink Folgers today like I'm back in the soup kitchen?

 

by Porternotes
5-22-14
Do you think Frank still has that room available? I hate to admit it, but it's getting close to the first of the month, and I don't know if I can manage rent in time.
I thought you looked at a cheaper apartment the other day. What happened with that?
The place was nice, and the price was right, but it's a duplex and I didn't like that the landlord is right next door.
That could be convenient. If you have a maintenance issue, you could get him to work on it right away.
At the end of the interview, he hugged me. Not a bro-hug. A full out, sniff-my-ear hug.
Can you work that into a rent break?

 

by Porternotes
5-22-14
Are you ok? I came right in as soon as I was sure you were open to see if you are alright.
Yeah, we're all fine. Why do you ask?
I drove past last night and I saw that you were closed. And on Facebook you put up that you had closed early. I thought for sure there was an emergency.
No. It was kinda slow, so we closed up early and went home. No emergency, thanks.
Well, ok. I know how much you are struggling and so I would think you would be open as often as you could be.
I am struggling... struggling to keep from whippin' your ass.

 

by Porternotes
5-23-14
Thanks for inviting us to dinner, mom.
You bet, Honey. We've been busy at the shop, so it's nice to have some time together.
Mom...?
Yes...?
Can we have something, like REAL meat?
I might have a can of, I don't know.... something...

 

by Porternotes
6-02-14
What are you watching?
The cooking shows on Create.
Why do you do this to yourself?
What? It's just a tv show.
Yeah, until somebody cooks barbecue ribs and you get all indignant.
Yeah, well they get what they get. Have another heart attack, sonsabitches.

 

by Porternotes
6-02-14
I'm not going to get roped into a political discussion today.
Good. You get too worked up.
I do. And there's nothing I can do about it anyway.
Well, that's sort of true. I mean, it's hard to make those kind of changes in this world.
So I'm not going to let it get to me.
It's all because of the GMOs we're being fed and the fluoride in our drinking water making us docile. We need to get serious about burning this motherf#%*r DOWN!

 

by Porternotes
6-02-14
Hey Matt, how was your weekend?
I had a terrible weekend. I took my daughter to visit with my parents. Big mistake.
How'd that go for you?
Not too good.
Some of your parents' bad habits rub off on her?
She told me this morning that she shouldn't bother going to school if she's destined to grow up to be a disappointment anyway.

 

by Porternotes
6-02-14
Did you have lunch with your parents?
That in itself is another opportunity for them to cut me down while playing dumb.
"I don't know what to make you anymore?"
"It was good enough when you were growing up!"
"If eating a pork chop is wrong, I don't want to be right."
"Wittle baby won't eat his meatsy-weatsy." No Mom, I don't want that little spoon and plate anymore! Yes, I'll take the bib because sometimes I still dribble, but I will tie it myself, thank you!

 

by Porternotes
6-03-14
At least it's all done for a while. You probably don't need to visit your parents again until thanksgiving.
You might think that, but my parents have informed me that they have been talking with my ex-wife.
Oh yeah?
She offered for them to stay at her house any time they're in town.
She plays hardball.
Part of the allure of a tiny house in the future was no room for my parents to stay. That's shot to hell now.

 

by Porternotes
6-03-14
Why is the house so quiet?
I got rid of the kids for the night.
Oh really?
Yep! Know what that means?
We get the living room all to ourselves!
Booze and puffy corn, Baby!

 

by Porternotes
6-03-14
I noticed on Facebook that you plan to close early tonight. Is that true?
Yeah, we've been working a lot of hours lately. We really need a night off.
What?! You're struggling to get your business going. You should be here all the time. Your public wants you!
Yeah... no.
You hate me.
A night off goes a long way.

 

by Porternotes
6-04-14
If Frank calls again tonight, I'm going to drive to his house and punch him in the face.
He'd sic Jeffrey on you.
I'd punch Jeffrey in the face too.
Remember too what Matt said: Jelly doughnut.
Now I'm grossed out.
See.

 

by Porternotes
6-04-14
Thank you for the invite to dinner at your house. I'm honored to attend. Should I bring anything?
No need, we've got the meal covered. Just make sure you're there by 3pm.
Wait, is this some sort of 'set-up'?
No! No, no no... Gosh, no. Well.... no.
Timeshare?
Saladmaster.

 

by Porternotes
6-04-14
Fuck it, I'll be there. I don't have to buy anything?
No obligation to buy. We're just helping out a relative who needs to throw a set amount of dinners. You just need to come and eat.
Wait! Is the other Matt going to be there?
No.
Fuck it, I'll be there.
That's the spirit.

 

by Porternotes
6-05-14
I've been having a problem at Dad's house lately.
I don't like to talk about your father. Every time you bring him up, I join in and then you accuse me of bashing your dad. I'm not going to be tricked into it this time.
That's fine. It isn't really about him anyway. It's more about his girlfriend.
Why would you have a problem with her? She's been good to you and your brother. She's the more responsible adult in that house anyway. She has the job, pays the bills. She's great as far as I can tell
She's having a hard time picking out a theme for their wedding.
That woman is stupid.

 

by Porternotes
6-05-14
It's not right for you to call Dad's girlfriend stupid just because she's marrying him.
Sure it is. She's been with him, what... 4 years? She has been the breadwinner for the whole time, I think she is making a huge mistake.
They both seem pretty happy.
Why wouldn't they? He has a sugar mama and she's too dumb to see what she's doing.
You know, YOU were married to Dad for like, 20 years.
We're not talking about me right now, we're talking about them.

 

by Porternotes
6-05-14
As far as I'm concerned, they're getting married is a good thing. It keeps those two from messing up any other families.
Well, yeah I'm fine with them getting married. I just think it's a dumb move on her part.
You don't want to make TOO big of a scene. It looks like you're jealous.
I guess I'm just surprised that anyone would bother to marry that guy, knowing what an asshole he is.
You know, YOU were married to him for like, 20 years.
Why do people keep saying that?

 

by Porternotes
6-05-14
They picked a date.
Really? When?
It's 3 months from now. Dad's never been good with dates so they chose one that already had some significance to him. It's in the first week of July.
On the same date he met me? What a slap in the face to her.
Well, it's better than his original date which was in mid-December.
Our anniversary?! Oh, Hell no.

 

by Porternotes
6-05-14
I don't know why you are making a big deal about this.
Well, it's not a big deal. I just keep thinking about that poor, stupid woman who is making a bad choice.
Well, that's up to her to decide.
She'll regret it. When she's got his drunk-ass laying on her couch instead of working. Making her feel like some kind of possession.
Hitting on her friends and being a total asshole on a vacation she'll pay for and beg him to go to just so she can get away.
I think we're done with this topic.

 

by Porternotes
6-06-14
Ok... I can do this. It's just the café bathroom.
Is somebody in there? I see a light under the door. Maybe we should get a crowbar or something.
Jesus! What now?!
Honey, I think I hear an old lady whimpering in there. Maybe we'd better call the paramedics.
I wonder if I can fit behind the toilet bowl...

 

by Porternotes
6-06-14
Welcome to Open Mic. I'm your host Matt. If you want to come up and do something, there is a signup sheet on the front table.
I see nobody has signed up yet, so until someone does I'll be singing some original songs that I wrote about my life.
For these songs I don't play guitar, they'll be performed to the sound of my falling tears.

 

by Porternotes
6-06-14
I think we are about to witness something very bad.
Yeah, Matt's right on the edge.
Open Mic has been pretty sparsely attended lately. I think he's scaring them away with his originals.
I'm not sure people like to hear songs about how sad his life is.
We should suggest he take a break for a while.
At least if he has a meltdown it'll be something to watch.

 

by Porternotes
6-06-14
Ok. It looks like we've finally got someone signed up on the list. We'll get to them after I do one more song. It's called: "Papa Don't Do That To Mama."
7 minutes later
...Don't you know how to knock? Don't you know how to knock? Don't you know how to knock? Don't you know how to knock?
OK. Yeah. It looks like whoever signed up must have gone to the bathroom or something, so I'm going to do one more.

 

by Porternotes
6-06-14
I've been writing Vegan Dad Strips for one whole month now. This particular strip is number 81. Can you believe it?
I can. You've spent a lot of time on them. They're pretty funny sometimes too.
Sometimes?
Yeah, sometimes. Sometimes I think people would be upset by how you portray them.
I guess I could understand that, but If it were up to me, I'd just be happy to be noticed.
Ok, let's see how deep we can get with this thing...

 

by Porternotes
6-10-14
I am destined to die alone. I have no family. My apartment is empty and when Jeffrey is gone, I'll be soon to follow.
Well, maybe you should find a hobby or something besides your dog that gets you out of bed every morning.
I keep a clean house. I spend hours washing and scrubbing. My kitchen is so clean you could eat off of the floor. Ask any of my ex-wives, they'll tell you.
You have an ex-wife?
I have been married five times.
Shocker.

 

by Porternotes
6-10-14
My problem is that I fall in love too easily. I came to this town because of a young woman. She broke my heart and stole all of my money. That is how I became homeless.
That's an incredible story. Which wife was she?
Someone else's.
That makes for a sticky situation.
You're telling me. Can you imagine this body on the streets in the middle of Summer?
Ick.

 

by Porternotes
6-10-14
Matthew.
Frank.
How is your daughter? Have you found a different place to live yet?
She's great. I think we may have a lead on a new place, thanks.
Matthew, are you sure you can afford it.?
I'm not telling you if I can't.

 

by Porternotes
6-11-14
I had a conversation with my pastor and I've got to return to work. It gives me a purpose and I need purpose.
What kind of job are you going to get?
I have a lot of restrictions because of my poor health. I can't lift heavy items, I can't stand long. I can't sit in one place long. I can't walk and I need to eat something every 20 minutes.
I'm sure there's something out there for you.
I'm selling Organo-Gold coffee with my friend, Arlo.
You know this is a coffee shop, right?

 

by Porternotes
6-11-14
I don't mean to offend you. You are my dearest friend. In my culture, if I offend you I owe you a debt to repay. You name it, it's yours.
I don't need anything from you. I just think it's uncool for you to sell the same product we sell.
It's not me. It's Arlo. She's very controlling. I am sure that she would hurt me if I told her I wasn't going to sell the coffee. She can be very intimidating.
Maybe you should get the police involved.
All she has to say is that I raised a hand to her. Who do you think the police will believe? A young woman or me?
Maybe you can bribe them with Organo Gold.

 

by Porternotes
6-11-14
I think Arlo may be taking advantage of me. She says she needs a few things in order for us to start up our Organo Gold business.
Like what?
A new computer. A printer. Business cards. Pens. Paper. Some furniture. A washer and drier. A car. And a briefcase.
I would probably consider siccing Jeffrey on her.
Is the briefcase too much?

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