All comics by UncleTerwilliger

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Well, that there was some of the roughest sex I ever recollect havin'.
I'm gonna go get me a Clark Bar from the vendin' machine and then we're gonna do it again, this time with our clothes off.
Does Mr.Pibb make an enema?
This is the worst family reunion yet.

 

No!---I don't want a red shirt goddamn you! Are you trying to murder me you maniacal cereal eating space whore?!
by UncleTerwilliger, 8-18-10

 

Alright Lord, I've killed my family and smote their ruin upon the mountain. How will you reward me?
God?

 

So, skinny ties and skinny jeans are back--is that right you little piss ant?
Look at the size of my big fat tie. LOOK AT IT!

 

I don't think that these starving African children need any of your "reindeer games".
I don't want to bruise your ego...but this isn't the first time I've had a gun pointed at me.

 

Knock Knock
Who's there?
One of the perks of your future life as a stripper.
The Clap who?

 

Okay, Father Sebastian says that since I'm subbing for him, the first thing we have to do is...okay you've done that...
Can I confess yet?
I'm reading...just shut up and drink your Jesus Juice.

 

Hmmm...I'm not sure if this morgue is Kosher.
I smell pie. Does anyone else smell pie?

 

YOU--are going to be my sweetest whore. What's your name Mama?
Erica.
Erica, I like that. That's sexy.
Now, uh, look here... DON'T YOU DARE LOOK ME IN THE EYES, CUNT MEAT!

 

Count, we're never going to get this power point presentation polished if you keep being dramatic. I want to go home at some point.
Home?
Here we go.
I have no home. Hunted, despised, Living like an animal! The jungle is my home.
Jesus Pogo Hopping Christ.
But I will show the world that I can be its master! I will perfect my own race of people. A race of atomic supermen! Ha Ha Ha Ha!

 

I've seen this all before.
Keep fucking that chicken.

 

Do you know what my greatest fear is Head Wound Harry?
Julia Robert's teeth?
Yes. ---Julia Robert's Teeth.
I'm attracted to her...but her mouth is not a happy place for my little Pogo the clown.
I like her brother, Eric. He has kind eyes.

 

Oh...Imaginary Lamborghini...
I'll pop you into third and then I'll show those sluts down at the Dress Barn who's who.

 

I'm not a Feminist really...
I'm not either...
...BEND OVER!

 

...and then Scrappy Doo comes along--and just ruins everything.
Yeah...
I'll give you "Puppy Power" you little Fascist Narc.

 

Look, I'm sorry. I've just never heard of a door to door anal plug salesman.
You know, on second thought--I'll take three.

 

What's with the duster, Trench Coat Mafia?
I'm a little chilly.
I'll be honest, I'm kind of insulted that you're not even going to try to flash me some hog.

 

I think I would make a good president.
Your foreign policy is a joke...
...besides this country is too prude to elect a gay president yet.

 

I can only show you the door---YOU have to open it.
What the hell are you talking about...I don't have opposable thumbs.
Right, because of the "Slap Chop" accident. Sorry, don't tell the Oracle about that.

 

You should try it. It makes you use your stabalizer muscles...
...it really blasts my core.
Yes. You're Obliques look stunning in that onesie.

 
God, that Mel Gibson is an asshole.

 

I on't know, Terry man....
...what you need with that much salt?
DON'T ASK ME ABOUT MY BUSINESS!

 

I remember when I first met your Grandma, Ben.
She had areolas the size of mayonnaise jar lids.She could shoot a ping pong ball twenty feet without using her hands!
Where are you going?
To help Grandma set up the ping pong table.

 

Hey man, One fish two fish red fish blue fish--old fish new fish green fish mean fish---
...look, I'll suck your dick for some rock.
Come on in.

 
What are you doing with that hammer?
I'm going to nail 2x4's to your feet so that I don't have to keep paying my Chiropractor $80 a session.
Fair enough.

 

Look at me.
I can't.
Why not?
Your face reminds me of the penis of an uncircumcised man I gave oral pleasure to in the bathroom of a Steak and Ale in Fresno.

 
That's when the attack comes...not from the front--but from the sides; from the two Fosse-saurs you didn't even know were there.

 

God, this is the saddest letter I've ever read. I have to send it to his family.
He died so terribly...there's even blood splattered on the paper.
It makes it so much worse that he was writing a fan letter to M. Night Shyamalan when he died. Will that sick bastard never tire of his clever twists?!

 

Why does everyone in imaginings of the future usually wear some kind of jumpsuits?
Hell if I know, Hair Do. I voted for skins. Kahn and most of the blue skinned ladies were with me too.
It was that damned Chekov...he has some sort of supurfluous nipple, so he had to ruin it for all of us.

 

Dude, I don't mean to be weird, but I saw your penis at the urinal--I've got to say, that you have the single most supple bald headed giggle stick I've ever seen.
What's your secret?
Three times a day, I go to the bathroom at Whole Foods--and I allow fresh hippie tears to fall on it.
How do you get the hippie to cry?
Oh---I think you're about to find out what's behind stall number 2, granola boy.

 

Excuse me, where is Arkanoid?
Oh, so you think your going to play Arkanoid, huh? Well I'm in charge around here, and it's Bubble Bobble for you. I have spoken, all depart.
Um, can I get by?-- your standing in front of Marble Madness.
I think you'll find that your going to be playing Michael Jackson's Moonwalker, punk.
Could you direct me to Chicken Fucker: The Ultimate Egg-rection?
Right this way sir.

 

Ehhh...you've always got to be prepared with Pepe skipping around--that skunk is a full on rapist, Doc.
by UncleTerwilliger, 8-20-10

 

Wetback!
Faggot!
Chink!
Tarbaby!
Hey! We're all just people--be you red, white, brown or purple. I think we can come together and agree...
...that we ALL hate those money grubbing Jew bastards.

 

Here's your order, sir. You should know that I personally fondled your burger, and made sweet love to your fries.
God I hope that's a glop of mayonnaise on those fries. The Europeans drown 'em in that shit. I've seen 'em do it.
I'm Europeein'!

 

So...you've challenged me to Mortal Kombat! I accept.
Dude, it's just a game.
I'm not leaving until I have your spine in my hands.
What are you--a gay Chiropractor trying to drum up business?

 
Well, well, well---Lookie what we got here. Looks like SOMEONE didn't get the memo about red tie Wednesday.

 

Your back tail fin is out...
by UncleTerwilliger, 8-23-10

 
Choose a door--then pick your chosen door from the comic list.

 

You have chosen Door #1--A night of rough sex with Jed and Zeke.
We're gonna ride ya hard--
--and put you away wet.
by UncleTerwilliger, 8-23-10

 

You've chosen Door #2--Lemonjello the pimp has taken a shine to your sweet ass, Trixie.
I'm gonna pull your teeth out so that you can give a more pleasing BJ, fresh meat.
by UncleTerwilliger, 8-23-10

 

You've chosen Door #3--You're about to bear witness to some hard core anime tentacle porn.
It's as Japanese as a stressed out business man hanging himself!
by UncleTerwilliger, 8-23-10

 

This is much different than the Amish Arcade.
What's the Amish Arcade?
It's basically a barn full of butter churns.

 

Ah...you're a Vegetarian--very good. You could be a Buddhist Bunny.
Eh...I don't think so, Doc. I killed Elmer and buried his body in an unmarked grave when I took that wrong turn in Albuquerque.
Dig the robes though--make me kinda hungry.

 

I grow weary of superhero life...this deserted island is the perfect place to live out my days. I have everything I need here: food, beauty, peace and quiet...
...companionship.

 

I dig your collection, man. It's ironic.
by UncleTerwilliger, 8-24-10

 
by UncleTerwilliger, 8-24-10

 

Sometimes out here--it gets a might lonely. What can a man do--on those harsh Montana nights...
...under the vast beauty of the stars, but seek out the only company that really matters.
The horror.

 

God, in your inifinite wisdom, you created me. Now that I've lived out my whole life with many difficulties--I must ask...what was your purpose for making me this way?
My son, there are many who see my hand in everything from the colors of the flowers to who lives and who dies. But in all honesty I can say...
...that your mother got wasted one night, went skinny dipping in the ocean--and fucked a hammerhead.

 

My status is always---"Pooping on news paper."
by UncleTerwilliger, 8-24-10

 

My mothers womb should have been my tomb. All is blackness--the unborn--the lucky ones.
I get my power from eating babies.
So, I---should probably go home now---it's meatloaf Thursday.

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