All comics by wirthling

Profile

 

by wirthling
1-26-01
Oh boy! This lowpass site is cool! I'm going to make the most super duperest comic ever! I will use clever irony and topical satire to convey a thought-provoking message...
..............
...or maybe I'll just go back to surfing porn...

 

by wirthling
1-26-01
topical observation
juxtaposed religious icon acting as straight-man asks for explanation
exposition of topical observation and setup
comic pause
Punchline!
ironic self-referential aside

 

by wirthling
1-26-01
So, are you dead yet or what?! I gotta pick up my kid from soccer practice in 20 minutes...

 

by wirthling
1-26-01
It's not fair! Just because I may look gay doesn't mean that I am in fact gay! Why does everyone think I'm gay?
Maybe it's cuz you ARE gay, sugar britches..
oh, yeah...
So, ya wanna dance?
OK!

 

by wirthling
1-26-01
Our scheme to destroy this planet and its inferior inhabitants is proceeding according to plan?
Yes, sir! They suspect nothing, sir!
The best part of this plan is that we don't even have to fire a shot - they will destroy themselves!
Yes, sir! You are a genius, sir!
So, you had no trouble installing the Bush boy into the presidency?
No, sir! Mr. Scalia was most cooperative, sir!

 

by wirthling
1-26-01
hmmmph...
Oh, yeah, baby! Like that! Oh yeah! Work it, baby!
...ummmph...hmmmph...
O, god, yeah! Do it! Do it, mama! Oh... Oh... Uh huh... Oh... YESSSS!
Dude, if you're gonna act like THAT, you're gonna have to learn to tie your own damn shoes! That's just hell-a WEIRD!
Really?

 

by wirthling
1-26-01
oiroioigroihjsruojgsrougsoiuggopisjgerijgpoijdsrgroidiugoidjrgioehjiogj5iojdp9irtgpoje5ijgoidrhogihdroihtgijedpjgvopdkjopdrkjg;jd5poijgpodkjrpogjjrtgpodjgpojdfpogjojpodjgpojdpogjtojrtpojpdoigopipodi5p
uisduhksdhksdhukdshhfiewrhthi88i8tj55ejofi8y5pfey5ot;n;fhs8ynxtilyi45e6btci6wptnm8mwypxm8eomt5nc8eyptxm5ycx8n5tyn5ect85etmce5mtupe588cepuvytpm5cte8ptxm8ym85e89m78ce5m89cye5m8985epyt85eymp98cy5e8tym95e
Is the whole purpose of this cartoon to annoy the people reading it??
Yup, pretty much...

 

by wirthling
1-26-01
The LSD hasn't kicked in yet for me...How about you?
Nope...
...still nothing...
...me neither...

 

by wirthling
1-26-01
Hi! I'm famous actor George Clooney. Nice to meet you!
You don't look like George Clooney. In fact, you look a lot like a red telephone...
There weren't any available characters here that look anything like George Clooney...
Well, the author could have at least used one of the characters that looks human...
You have no imagination. Go away...
I can't go away right now. I'm expecting a phone call...

 

by wirthling
1-27-01
Willie isn't the smartest guy on the planet...
Yessiree! I am dumb as a box of rocks! I couldn't find my ass with both hands and a map! I am NOT the sharpest knife in the drawer!
Willie isn't the wittiest guy on the planet...
I can play "Livin' La Vida Loca" with my armpit! Wanna hear?
Unfortunately, Willie has Internet access...
Woohoooo! Time to make me some cartoons at that dadgummed Low Pass site! Heheeeee!

 

by wirthling
1-27-01
Help me! Help me! I need a doctor!
I'm a doctor. Wow! That nail in your head looks pretty painful. I'll remove it right away!
What nail in my - - - Ohhhhh! Oh yeah, that. Thanks but no, that's not why I need a doctor
Then why do you need a doctor?
Because my genitalia are missing!
Oh crap! Me, too...

 

by wirthling
1-28-01
while(i
function change_dialog(source, dest) { selectform.cats2. selectedIndex = i;
dest.innerHTML = source.value; document.open()...
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hang on a sec! This dialogue can't be right...
Oops! It appears that I have gotten a couple of scripts mixed up and delivered the wrong one to the Low Pass actors....This would also explain the problem with my web site...
Yeah...everyone knows that the window object doesn't support that method!
Is this guy on crack or what?

 

by wirthling
1-28-01

 

by wirthling
1-30-01
What's up with that goatee, man? That's so 1990s...
I'm a non-comformist, dude! I also have a pierced ear and tattoos...
Yeah, just like all the other non-comformists...
So what's your point?!

 

by wirthling
1-30-01
bzzzzt...
...bzzzzt...bzzzzt...
Hey, pal, can't you see that we're about to crash?! Could you stop hitting the damn "call stewardess" button, for cryin' out loud?!
But I want a martini...

 

by wirthling
1-30-01
What's the name of the sport where a bunch of skinny guys run around a huge field for an hour trying to kick a spherical ball into a goal?
Football. Go Manchester United! Cheerio!
Soccer. I think my boy plays that stupid game at his school. My wife won't let the little pansy play REAL football...
What's the best rock 'n' roll band?
Radiohead or Oasis. I can't decide which - they're both bloody good...
Aerosmith! Dude!
What's the name of the country that borders the U.S. to the North?
Canada. Right agreeable place, except that they don't play quite enough football, if you ask me...
Ummm...Montana?

 

by wirthling
1-30-01
T minus 10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... BLASTOFF!
Damn...This happens to all guys at one time or another...Doesn't it?

 

by wirthling
1-30-01
Why don't you ever look at any of the other Low Pass characters?
Well, I could turn around and look at you, but then my hair gets screwed up...
See?
You think that's bad? Check this out!
Ack! Stop that! I can't bear to look at you...

 

by wirthling
1-30-01
What do you suppose the "Clone Panel" button does?
Hell if I know! Why don't you click it and find out?
What do you suppose the "Clone Panel" button does?
Hell if I know! Why don't you click it and find out?
What do you suppose the "Clone Panel" button does?
Hell if I know! Why don't you click it and find out?

 

by wirthling
1-30-01
Ah, earth! It's such a beautiful planet...It's like a gleaming blue jewel amidst the black ocean of space...
And the wonders produced by its sentient natives! The diversity, the art, the technological achievements... It's amazing how far they've evolved from their lowly simian ancestors...
So do you wanna nuke'm or shall I?
I think it's your turn...I nuked Centrana 4......

 

by wirthling
1-31-01
Everyone thinks we're asian, but we're really from Colombia...
The main crops produced in Colombia are cocaine and coffee...
I can't close my eyes...
I haven't slept since 1997...

 

by wirthling
1-31-01
Reality is hard to prove if you think about it. Our senses can be fooled. Our whole existence could be a hallucination on your or my part...
Whoa...I never thought of that...
Reality could be nothing more than an illusion, sustained by nothing more than our belief in it...
Wow...You know, I'm beginning to doubt that we really exist at --

 

by wirthling
1-31-01
Hi there! My name is Russ, and I'm one of the new Low Pass characters. People are going to have me say "Dude" a lot and make jokes about be being high 'cause I look like a stoner... What's your name?
Dude! Am I just really baked or is that really some crazy ass squirrel dude wielding an axe, wearing a diaper, and wearing his sash backwards?

 

by wirthling
1-31-01
I really hate my job at the Karaoke bar. I swear, if one more drunken, tone-deaf businessman steps up to me - -
I work for Celine Dion...
Oh, man, I'm sorry - I didn't know...
Are there any job openings at the karaoke bar?

 

by wirthling
1-31-01
Welcome to Low Pass, Holly! I've been around here a while, so I can give you some pointers on how things work around here......
Gee whiz! Could you please, Miss Maura?
I should warn you - people are going to involve you in a lot of perverted story lines and make you say a lot of vile crap... Believe me, it's tough to do this job and keep your dignity...
Thanks a bunch for the advice, Miss Maura! You're swell...
Wanna see my coochie?

 

by wirthling
1-31-01
Well, there goes the neighborhood...
Yeah, what a bunch of freaks...

 

by wirthling
1-31-01
How to tell the difference between a telephone and an elephant:
The elephant is the one on the right...

 

by wirthling
2-01-01
wirthling is in a strange mood this afternoon, it seems...
Every cartoonist in this place sucks. I can't stand cartoonists! They compensate for their lack of creativity with pseudo-cleverness...
The only lifeforms lower than cartoonists are Canadians, Australians, and people whose name begins with a vowel! Don't even get me started about guys who wear sandals...
Hmmm...I'm thinking that this must be some sort of shameless attempt to stir things up and liven up Lowpassville a bit...
Shut up! Nobody cares what chicks think! Make me an omelet, blow me, or get lost!

 

by wirthling
2-01-01
The South shall rise again!
Death to the Yankee dogs!
Ha ha - "Sight" gag! Get it? Ah, never mind. You're right - it's really not that funny...
ummm, excuse me but have you se--
That way, General McGoo...

 

by wirthling
2-01-01
White House Spokesman Helmut holds a press conference concerning the "All your base are belong to us" phenomenon...
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. Rest assured, we will not rest until we get to the bottom of this! We have subpoenaed evil_d to testify before the Congressional Cartoon Committee. Any questions?
WHAT HAPPEN ?
HOW ARE YOU GENTLEMEN !!
WHAT !
ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US.

 

by wirthling
2-02-01
President George W. Bush addresses an anxious nation...
Good evening, my fellow Americans. Despite evil_d's reluctance to come forward with an explanation, we will get an answer to the "All your base are belongable to us" question...
er, "All your base are beeblelong"-- um, no, "All your base are beloom"-- Dang it!... "belunchable"? "bubblelung"? Aw, shoot...
Eebuhduh eebuhduh eebuhduh, that's all, folks!

 

by wirthling
2-02-01
President George W. Bush continues his address to an anxious nation...
As promised in my campaign, I am a uniter, not a divider. If evil_d chooses not to cooperate, we must proceed with "compassionate conservativism"...
We will treat him with patience and understanding...
...and then we'll fry that major league asshole...

 

by wirthling
2-05-01
Unconvinced by evil_d's explanation, the President asks for help from NSA cryptographers...
After studying the phrase "All your base are belong to us," we have discovered several anagrams that may be of some significance...
"Great boobs a-lull our NSA eye."
"A lab to rub eel gel on your ass."
"Grab beer, you loose anal slut!"
"O go see us rub a lonely lab rat."...What do you think, Mr. President?
I'm thinkin' maybe you boys need to get out of the lab a little more often...

 

by wirthling
2-06-01
We surrender! Cuba is yours!
All your base are belong to U.S.!
Hey, man! You can't repossess our instruments! We got a gig tonight, dude!
All your bass are belong to us!
Your divorce lawyer already got you the kids, the house, and the car, Maura. Why do I have to pay you alimony, too?!
Half your base are belong to us!

 

by wirthling
2-06-01
The CIA dispatches an undercover operative to try to gain access into the "All your base are belong to us" underground movement...
Pssst...ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!
Back off, creepoid! I have pepper spray and I WILL use it...
Pssst...ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!
Dude, you CIA guys need to update the Covert Operations Disguise Manual... A beatnik?! Sheeeah!
Contact?
Pssst...ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!
SOMEBODY SET UP US THE BOMB.

 

by wirthling
2-06-01
Meanwhile, at the FBI crime lab, a recording of "All your base are belong to us," played backwards, is analyzed for possible clues...
...!su ot gnoleb era esab ruoy llA...!su ot gnoleb era esab ruoy llA...!su ot gnoleb era esab ruoy llA...
hmmm... Is it "Hail Satan. Kill your parents"?... Nah...
...!su ot gnoleb era esab ruoy llA...!su ot gnoleb era esab ruoy llA...!su ot gnoleb era esab ruoy llA...
"Paul is dead. Bury my body"?... nope... "All infidels must die in the name of Allah"?... no... "Have a Coke and a smile"?... don't think so...
Hey! This place looks just like the NSA cryptography lab!
Shhhh! I think I almost got it...

 

by wirthling
2-06-01
At FOX-TV headquarters...
I have a great idea for a new TV show! It'll be called, "Who Wants to Marry a Survivor of Temptation Island?"!
Sounds great...What's the premise?
Premise? What's a premise?
You know, what's the show about? Is it another reality game show?
Hmmm...I hadn't thought that far ahead. I only have the title...
No problem - it sounds like a winner! We can put it on Saturday nights after "Caught on Video: When Animals Attack the World's Worst Drivers"...

 

by wirthling
2-06-01
Hey, I'm nobody's slave - I'm a free man...
All your lace are belong to us!
Did somebody steal my lingerie?
All your mace are belong to us!
Hey you! Come back with my medieval weapons!
All your race are belong to us!

 

by wirthling
2-06-01
ALL YOUR --
Stop! Don't say it!
BASE ARE --
Please, no! Please stop! I'm begging you!
BELONG TO US!
You knew this was coming...

 

by wirthling
2-06-01
Ha ha!
What are you laughing about, you crazy-ass freak?
It was an inside joke...

 

by wirthling
2-06-01
Why hasn't wirthling used us robots in any of his comics yet?
Because he can't think of anything funny for us to say...
Oh...

 

by wirthling
2-06-01
I'm so confused. I think that I'm Jon reincarnated as a flame, but I'm not sure...
I started thinking about it and began to wonder if maybe I never really was Jon. Maybe I was somebody else who was reincarnated as Jon...
This sucks...
At least you weren't reincarnated as a thought balloon, like me. You can't imagine wha -- never mind. I know exactly what you can imagine... *sigh*

 

by wirthling
2-06-01
This place bites...
Well, you certainly HIT the NAIL on the HEAD with that comment!
Well, aren't you going to do it?
Do what?
You know, hammer that nail into y-- Ah, never mind...Who hired this clown?

 

by wirthling
2-07-01
Hi, I'm Captain Obvious and you are a guy hammering a nail into his head!
Who is hammering a nail into his head?
You there, the stick figure guy holding a hammer who has a nail driven into his skull...
Who is he talking to?
Have I lost my touch?
Only a complete moron would hammer a nail into his head! Ha ha! This is something I gotta see!

 

by wirthling
2-07-01
I can't believe that Dubya got elected! He has barely taken office and the economy is already tanking and consumer confidence is hitting its lowest level in years! Like a tax cut will fix everything!!
He told the public that the economy is heading downward. Bad idea, W. And then this "compassionate conservative" clown nominates Confederate General John Ashcroft to be Attorney General!
The only reason that the American voters would pick a guy like this for President is that they can't get their heads out of their asses! Don't worry, just be happy, indeed. Don't you agree?
I'm sorry - did you say something?

 

by wirthling
2-08-01
Thank you ever so much, Dr. Nitro, for giving me this chance to join the League of Superheroes!
Don't mention it, young fella. Now what special ability can you add to our crime-fighting team?
Oh, I see. That's, um, very interesting...
So, do I get to join the League of Superheroes?
No, but I think they have a spot for you over at the "Jim Rose Circus Sideshow"...

 

by wirthling
2-08-01
So, Mr. Of-Nazareth, what are your qualifications?
I once fed 5,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish. I can turn water into wine. I can walk on water.
I can also heal lepers and blind people and once raised a man from the dead. I myself rose from the dead. I am the son of God.
OK, the party tricks and family connection are worth something, I suppose, but can you do anything to our enemies like shoot lightning bolts out of your eyes or melt their brains with your mind?
Uh, no...Did I mention that I can do carpentry, too?

 

by wirthling
2-08-01
OK, Destructo, tell me a bit about yourself...
I know 4 million different ways to extinguish the lives of mortal beings. I am programmed to rid the universe of its human infestation...
Um, no offense intended, but I don't think you're the kind of crime fighter we're looking for...
Crime fighter? Isn't this the League of Nefarious Criminals?
No, it isn't.
Oops...

 

by wirthling
2-08-01
OK, Dog on a Ball, what do you have to offer the League of Superheroes?
Isn't it obvious?
Next...
But look! I bet you can't do this! And I'm cute, too!
NEXT!!!
OK, then, but I'm definitely going to take a dump on your carpet before I leave, you lousy bastard...

 

by wirthling
2-09-01
So, commie slacker, why do you think that the U.S. Supreme Court's election decision shows that the Court is tainted?
Well, when the Court steps in to order the vote counting stopped and then later that week rules that the the counting can't be finished by the arbitrarily set deadline, it smells fishy to me...
OK, baby killer, but surely the Florida Supreme Court must be an ultra-liberal partisan body since they were all appointed by democratic governors, right?
Oh, sure, all Justices appointed by democrats are "ultra-liberal" partisans, but conservative justices are all just motivated by respect for the Constitution. That's sound logic...
Fair enough, hippie deviant, but don't you think that this comic should have a punchline?
All your debates are belong to us!

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