All comics by Ackbar

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by Ackbar
4-16-03
HAHAHA AYE UM INTELLIGANTEDS BECOZ AYE USE POPOLUER COMIK CARECTURRRRrRS LOLOL
Zelda is really great and gamecube is great and i like ffx and tycoh is a gay person
YES TOTALLY RADICAL
BUT TEH JOEK IS ON ME BECOXS AYE AM NOT LIEKING PENYARCDAE HAHAH
UUUUNNNNGHHH!
You are a fagort sir.
i would like die plz
ha ha fag

 

by Ackbar
4-16-03
so i said "hey chris you should not eat that" ha ha isnt that a hoot?
Gee mister, that's real swell, but I have to g--
look kid just shut up and listen i am full of wisdom
Gosh, really? Tell me, which is better, 1d12 or 2d6?
the best thing is to not roll dice because they make you have goth angst

 

by Ackbar
4-16-03
never watch cnn because it is commie propaganda
Look man, I'm in a gang. And they will bust you up if you don't leave me alone.
oh yeah you just run over to your treehouse and get your big strong older brother ha ha run along junior
diabetes is only in our minds

 

by Ackbar
4-26-03
see thats why existentialism is a great thing
But Jesus says...
yeah sure but existentialism means you can kill guys for free cigarettes
Schway? Hot damn! Imma go get some free exitansilism cigs.
'dear sir do not portray existentialism as requiring murder for cigs because existentialists are required to smoke cigs anyway in france --sartre'

 

by Ackbar
4-26-03
I will return the flag to the base first!
No, I will return your flag to my base first.
gentlemen there is no reason to fight everyone knows that the civil war was fixed
Fixed? God damnit, we paid to view that war.
On Pay-per-View.

 

by Ackbar
4-26-03
The jig is up sir, you can not spread your lies any more.
there are no lies i am the voice underneath the ground
All right I will let you go NOT! I am arresting you.
oh forget it i will just KILL MY SELF sir if that is what YOU want ass
i would like die plz
ha ha fag

 

by Ackbar
4-26-03
HOHOHO IT SI THE CHREISTDSMENS ELEF I HAVE DLTHE PERESTEND DFOR YOU
OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OGM OMG What is it?
SURPERESE SIER TIS PIXCTERUS OF SMALEL BOYSES WIENESRS
OMG But sir that is highly illegal outside of Scandinavia and such.
YES SIT TSI SIR E AND REHT SIT WSHY I GIVER ITE TOE YOU BEOCNOSUE HEEREE COMRER THE COPSES
You sir are now a floating head. SIMMER DOWN NOW SIR.

 

by Ackbar
4-26-03
SAI NDED TOS DUMEP THE PDICXTURES OF WIERENERS VERYYR SOEMOONSS
SIER SIER YORUS OUTET THERES WOULSE YSUO LEIKE SOEM PIXTEURS FONT PERNXISSES FORM CHILESDREN
EHRILLO SIRE WOULD EYORU LEKEL SOEM PEXIENTS PIEXTSTRUES
Sir I Would Like You To GO DIRECTLY TO JAIL DO NOT PASS GO DO NOT COLLECT TWO HUNDERD DOLLARS.

 

by Ackbar
4-26-03
NOSTEW AIE AME INT JAIEL
AET LESAT IA GETSA TDO KEEP THES PIXLTERUS OSFT SMEILS CHILSDREAN

 

by Ackbar
5-03-03
HO ELHFO ITS WICKEN COPE MAEN WHOE SLAJEARSE AME
Sir You Must Abdicate Your Cell Because There Is A New Inmate And We Have Only One Cell Sir Please Leave.
HEy MaN yoU cAn'T KeEP ThE roCK n" RoLL dOWN FoREver yOu KnOw!
Sir Shut Up You Are A Disgrace Because You Like Mudvane And Linking Park.
DuDe, WHAt? i HatE ThOSE GuyS!
HAELSNE YOSEU LIEK MDSLUCVAYE ANE LEINKGN PAERHK OEY CNA NEOT HAVEN MEY PICKINTURXES

 

by Ackbar
5-03-03
Shattered glass around me/ Crumbled walls lying dead/ My corner of life erodes/ And the stars are falling
The dead scream from the ground/ My breath streams from deep within/ The torture of ignorance/ And the sun doesn't shine
JesUS, whaT IS ThIS shIt?

 

by Ackbar
5-04-03
HeY MAn, no MATtER WhAT yOu DO i Won'T giVe UP My ROCkIng styLE!
Jesus Kid I Will Let You Go If You Promise To Stop Speaking Like An Asshole Kid Asshole.
No WAy mAn! i REFuSe tO CoNFORm tO AMEricA'S WHIms!
Fine Then You Will Be Executed In A Very Short Time By LETHAL INJECTION OF BULLETS BY A FIRING SQUAD
HuH? ...Fine. I'll gird myself with the shackles of American closed-mindedness. Savor your victory, you fucking pig.
I'll Savor It As Much As I Savor Regular Non-human Pig. You Can Guess Sir How Much I Savor Pig By Seeing How Obese I Am Sir.

 

by Ackbar
5-04-03
Ahh snap man I am free at last!
Valley girl/ She's a valley girl/ Okay, fine/ Fer sure, fer sure/ She's a valley girl/ And there ain't no cure
YES I'M A VAL I KNOW!
Whaaaaaaiii...! Aw killer riff dude lets make a band

 

by Ackbar
5-16-03
A wiggy-WHA? What asshole is this?
I am not an asshole I am Judas dude.
Judas? Hah! I'll bet you're a "Jew"-das! LOLOLOMG
Yeah actually that's why my folks named me that.
What the hell good would communicating your faith through your name hold?
It was supposed to prevent Holocaust jokes but naturally I ended up receiving even more.

 

by Ackbar
5-16-03
So... you want to make a band?
Yeah man you riff and I'll shoot crack and we'll be The Catdogs.
Hey Judas. Refrain.
You're right that does suck.
Nah, nah. I wrote a refrain for a sad song and I want you to check it over.
Sure I can make it better.

 

by Ackbar
5-16-03
Duh duh dunh dunh emo twang dunh dunh
Goodbye 25/ You were a good year for the girls/ Goodbye 25/ You'll be the goldfinch
Dunh duh dunh dah deetly dunhdah dunhdah dong
I'm the harpies/ There's something in the unity/ Forget humility/ Oh what's coming over me/ is awesome awesome
WAILING BONUS!
This man is awesome awesome

 

by Ackbar
5-16-03
Ahh, shiggety-schwa, that was a rad gig.
Nuh uh we pissed off all the bikers by playing crap and made the emo kids cry because we made fun of crap
Then the bikers hit the emo kids with chains and ruptured their fragile ovaries
How are those very reasons the opposite of good?

 

by Ackbar
5-17-03
Look man I'm sorry but I just can't waste my time playing crap
Ah c'mon dude, I'll tell you what. You choose something sweet for us to play next time.
Really are you sure
Sure man. I mean, as long as it isn't Good Charlotte or Sum 41 or something.
What about rap like Coo Coo Cal
Rap? I dunno... I might have to trade my guitar for a fur coat or something.

 

by Ackbar
5-17-03
Alright digdogger I know what we're doing
Lay it unto me.
*whisper*
.... Whoa. Take that Patriot Act.

 

by Ackbar
5-17-03
Mey dadi boh le dada shi doh.
music did me so good/ made me say oh my god/ thank you for giving me/ a 2 hip rhyme and a 2 hop feet
Go hashmeer go hashmeer go, go hashmeer go hashmeer go!
every time you see me hashmeer is in trouble/ i like to chew gum and i like to blow the bubble/ one time i blew a bubble so big/ that inside of the bubble was a little kid
GO TO TOWN!
when i get ti-red i like to take a nap/ and you say group x steals a beat and thats a bunch of crap/ why would we ever stop doing that/ cause puff doggy do it except he cannot rap

 

by Ackbar
5-17-03
Dear Livejournal today was a very good day and I sung Group X and got a high five
I think that I am very talented and could be on Star Search and play with Bono
It is best that the rocker kid and I part ways what do you think computer
I RUN ON MAC OS 9.2.1 AND AM NOT ENTITLED TO PRETEND THAT I'M KNOWLEDGEABLE IN ANY WAY

 

by Ackbar
6-14-03
Oh man oh man oh man I am on my way to a hot hot music career
I wonder who I can talk to to force my way into the industry...
Hello! I am the action-packed JERRY BRUCKHEIMER!
Intense!

 

by Ackbar
6-14-03
We are at THE EXTREMARENA! FOR ALL YOUR ACTION-PACKED MUSICAL NEEDS!
Wow
Yes, it is WOW TO THE MAX! You will perform your songs HERE RIGHT HERE!
Mr Bruckheimer you are so very extreme... will my career ever be as "THRILLING" as yours?
... N--
I was just kidding because your movies are terrible

 

by Ackbar
6-14-03
My movies do not su--
Your movies have too much testosterone does that mean you have a very big phallus?
No.

 

by Ackbar
11-11-03
So, you're saying that, because my movies try to be so KILLER-HARDCORE, they only appeal to the NON-KILLER-HARDCORE?
Yeah man theyre just a fantasy for the socially inept
Fast cars, sexy women, cutting edge technology, sexy women, extreme sports, action cliches, drama cliches, cliched sexy women...
They're so pretentious and predictable that they become easy fantasies for those who are dissatisfied with their own unrewarding lives but they mistakenly believe theyll find solace in shallowness
Hey! I could make a HIP SHOW kinda like SKIN, except it's on the INTERNET! I'll call it "$K1N!" Audiences will be LOL-ING ALL THE TIME.
Would they write in LiveJournals thats the only thing I would watch it for

 

by Ackbar
11-11-03
Jesus. I will stab Willie for not paying the cable bill this month.
NEXT, on FOX: It's JERRY BRUCKHEIMER'S NEW series, "$K1N!" Ebert and Doucher GAVE IT two THUMBS UP! IT'S coming up NEXT!
hey d00d im 13/f/nj a/s/l?
hey gurl im 25/m/nyc do u wanna cyber
ya oki i tak off my sihrt n u see ma big titiys.
wow i can write abotu this in my LievJounral l8r

 

by Ackbar
11-14-03
Hey, what the hell is Judas doing on that show? I thought emo-kids were supposed to have at least a little dignity.
mm i put ma hadn on ur hard dck
o babey i slied mu fignera thru ur hare
Jesus. I am going to kill Willie for not paying the cable bill.

 

by Ackbar
11-14-03
Jesus, Willie, you'll never guess what I ju-
shh. don't interrupt my gothique brooding.
i will cut myself.

 

by Ackbar
11-14-03
You finished? Anyway, I was flipping through our eight channels and saw that new FOX show, "$K1N!"
i hate jocks.
Yeah, I know. But apparantly, one of the leads in this show is our old friend, Judas. What the hell do you think happened to him?
jocks hate me because they can't comprehend my poetry.
You know, I really fucking hate you.
jocks run the cable company.

 

by Ackbar
11-14-03
You finished? Anyway, I was flipping through our eight channels and saw that new FOX show, "$K1N!"
i hate jocks.
Yeah, I know. But apparantly, one of the leads in this show is our old friend, Judas. What the hell do you think happened to him?
jocks hate me because they can't comprehend my poetry.
You know, I really fucking hate you.
jocks run the cable company.

 

by Ackbar
11-15-03
Right then, we're going over to the FOX Studios to straighten Judas out.
whoa, no way. there's no way i'm missing the all flesh concert.
Fine, I'll go alone. But I'm trading what I found in your sock drawer for train fare.
oh god! my hot topic gift certificates!

 

by Ackbar
11-15-03
God damn FOX Studios. They managed to take root in a city even worse than the corporation.
At least I'm not stuck at a shitty all flesh concert, though.
look man, i'm not wearing black because my friend stole my hot topic gift certificates.
oh yeah, suuuure, you fucking poser. you're not even cool enough to kill yourself. die. read my poetry on my livejournal. die.

 

by Ackbar
11-22-03
You are doing X-TREMELY WELL today. KEEP IT UP, and maybe YOU CAN direct someday.
okay but does there have to be so much terrible internet orthography?
More like NOT TERRIBLE orthography! THAT'S what MAKES "$K1N!" so HOTTT!
okay but what about dignity? how can you even show your face in public anymore?
Will I call it "3 Fast 3 Furious" or "The Fast and the Furious 3?"
you know i really wish you were george w bush because then you could try saying dignity and mispronounce it and we could all laugh at you so much more

 

by Ackbar
11-22-03
Hey, IT HAS BEEN great talking with you, BUT IT IS TIME TO get back TO filming!
*sigh* i guess i'll just have to conform if i want to co-star with a livejournal
Whoa, don't you fucking dare.
wh-? hey janice i didn't know that you cared about how staunchly i adhere to my philosophies
I don't. I just don't like "$K1N!" at all.

 

by Ackbar
11-22-03
jerry bruckheimer is right over here
Great. I'm going to beat him in a manner that is both fast and furious. Pun intended.
I've got a bone to pick with you, Jerry.
Or, I would, if you weren't just a dinosaur wearing a top hat.
ACTION ACTION ACIOTN ANCIONT ACNKOITN ANCIONT

 

by Ackbar
11-22-03
what do you mean? he is jerry bruckheimer not a hat wearing dinosaur
Jerry Bruckheimer is a homo sapiens, you idiot. That's just some douchebag using his moniker.
To clarify: Jerry Bruckheimer doesn't direct as many things as one might believe. Aspiring directors use his name to try to get their big break, but, if they screw up, they don't ruin their career.
Ein facht, eit ist beleift taht Herry Brokheimer hast kield hemsief alrachty, du to deist hapeningst.
okay i understand now but are you still going to kill the dinosaur?
Yeah.

 

by Ackbar
11-22-03
oh man this is great the dinosaur and jerry are dead and i wrote in my livejournal
Uh-huh.
i am so stoked i think i'll buy you the new mineral album to thank you
So that's when I got fed up, and murdered that emo-fag with a pint of mescal and a bag of doorknobs.
Jesus, you're ruthless. Yeah, you can totally join the club.

 

by Ackbar
11-22-03
Nice club. Who's playing tonight?
Yup, we've got Tom Waits covering Ramones songs tonight.
Oh I couldn't care what you think of me/ Cause somebody put something in my drink/ I can't think/ Hey! Give me a drink
Holy shit.
Yeah, it's like a wet dream.

 

by Ackbar
12-04-03
And now, a Tom Waits original.
All night long on the broken glass/ Livin' in a medicine chest/ Mediteromanian hotel back/ Sprawled across a roll top desk
That ol' monkey rode the blade on an overhead fan/ They paint the donkey blue if you pay/ I got a telephone call from Istanbul/ My baby's coming home today
Will you sell me one of those if I shave my head?/ Get me out of town is what fireball said/ Never trust a man in a blue trench coat/ Never drive a car when you're dead
Saturday's a festival, Friday's a gem/ Dye your hair yellow and raise your hem/ Follow me to Beulah's on Dry Creek Road/ I got to wear the hat that my baby done sewed

 

by Ackbar
12-12-03
Hey, Tom Waits, relate unto me a hilarious anecdote regarding your musical career.
Alright. Ever been to a guitar factory?
I took a bunch of kids there once, you know, to see the guitar making process. I'm standing there, just waiting for someone to recognize me. But no one does!
The next day, we all take a field trip to the dump. Before I can even get out of the truck, I'm mobbed by fans asking for autographs. It's a dump for chrissakes. I guess everyone knows me at the dump.

 

by Ackbar
12-19-03
Alright Tom Waits, it's been super rad, but I have to go hide in Latin America for a while. Apparantly, it's illegal to kill jerk dinosaurs and emo fans.
That's fine, but hey, do you want to come over for dinner? I can't eat at greasy spoons anymore, but if I could have some of the atmosphere at home...
I see, I see. What are you having?
Why, Genius, of course!
Righteous!

 

by Ackbar
12-19-03
Kathleen! I am home!
Hello, Tom! Hesse's in the oven, he'll be done faster than you can say "OM"
Wonderful. I've had somewhat of a craving for Indian food lately.
Oh, I get it. "Genius." Ha ha, jesus christ. Wonderful pun you guys, I'll be thinking about it when I kill you both.

 

by Ackbar
12-19-03
I am getting crazy-sick of jerks pretending to be awesome.
You know, it's terribly retarded when you insinuate things about peoples' lifestyle. I mean, jesus, you dress in drag!
Oh, that's okay. I'm a pretentious elitist, which means I can MAKE YOU UNCONUSTEN WITH MY MIND!!!1!
Those two things aren't mutually exclusi-- YARR!
HahahaAH You aare deead now!
P.S. Check out the foreshadowing.

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