All comics by Branddobbe

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by Branddobbe
6-06-04
An accident has taken place.
I have found a hammer.
You are injured.
Indeed.
Now you are no longer needed.
I am obsolete.

 

by Branddobbe
6-06-04
You are an ugly child.
Perhaps this is true, but at least I am a human being and not a mere rodent.
Ha ha! Now I am a human being as well, and furthermore I am exactly like you!
You are an ugly child.
Damn it!
Ha ha ha ha ha!

 

by Branddobbe
6-06-04
My name is Santa Claus and I would like to bring you your Christmas gifts.
I want tools that will help me slay my enemies in as painful a manner as possible. I want knives and chainsaws and perhaps a fishing hook or a fork as well. And six gallons of salt.
My goodness, I thought I had seen naughty children but you take the cake! Please do not continue, for I fear my head might explode at the thought!
The first enemies on my list are my parents, followed by my boyfriend, and then my girlfriend. They haven't done anything wrong to me, but they're boring, which is reason enough for me.
My words have destroyed the Fat Man. My mission is finally complete.

 

by Branddobbe
6-06-04
Oh, Jesus, this hangover is killing me.
You and me both, sister.
Oh my god! Is that a comet?
Oh sh—

 

by Branddobbe
6-06-04
Auerk is en düütsche Stadt in Neddersassen.
Je ne parle pas bas-allemand.
De Stadt is de Hooftstadt vun'n Landkreis Auerk.
Je ne parle pas bas-allemand !
De Historie vun Auerk geiht op dat 13. Johrhunnert trüch. In den Brokmerbreev ut dat Johr 1276 ward dat Dörp Aurechove naamt.
Je vais te tuer ! ! !

 

by Branddobbe
6-06-04
Today is a happy day.
Today is a happy day.
Today is a happy day.
Today is a happy day.
Today is a happy day.
Today is a happy day.
Today is a happy day.
Today is a happy day.
Today is a happy day.

 

by Branddobbe
6-06-04
I AM THE EMPEROR! WHATEVER I SAY, YOU MUST DO!
I ORDER YOU TO BECOME YOUNG AGAIN!
COME, MY BRIDE! WE SHALL BE UNITED FOR ETERNITY!

 

by Branddobbe
6-06-04
So this is the moon.
Yeah. It's OK, I guess.
Wait! Shouldn't we have helmets on?
Oh sh--
rrrgghhh
ggggglggg

 

by Branddobbe
6-06-04
I love this girl.
I love this boy.
We are both scheduled to die within the next ninety-six hours.
But we have arranged to be buried alongside each other, with our bodies holding each other's hands.
Our time together in life was short, but we shall be joined eternal in death.
I am fairly certain that I am weeping.

 

by Branddobbe
6-06-04
I was supposed to be in a movie once.
I was too drunk to remember my lines, so I got fired.
I wish this story had a happy ending.

 

by Branddobbe
6-06-04
Als die Bomben fallen, hab' ich Angst.
Shut up. No one cares what you have to say.
Kann ich überleben? Werde ich sterben? Ich will nicht sterben.
Be quiet! This is not the time or place for this!
Bitte, wenn es einen Gott im Himmel gibt, bitte hör mich: ich will nicht sterben.
Goddammit why doesn't anyone ever do what I say?

 

by Branddobbe
6-06-04
What a headache! Are you there, my love?
I am. Where are we?
I don't know. I am fairly certain we are not in California.
Are we even in the United States?
I can't tell. All I see is the color green, in every direction, everywhere I turn my head.
I fear we are doomed.

 

by Branddobbe
6-07-04
Who's there?
Nay, answer me: stand, and unfold yourself.
Long live the king!
Barnardo?
He.
You come most carefully upon your hour.

 

by Branddobbe
6-07-04
'Tis now struck twelve; get thee to bed, Francisco.
For this relief much thanks: 'tis bitter cold, and I am sick at heart.
Have you had quiet guard?
Not a mouse stirring.
Well, good night. If you do meet Horatio and Marcellus, the rivals of my watch, bid them make haste.
I think I hear them.

 

by Branddobbe
6-07-04
When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from unsettling dreams, he found himself transformed in his bed to a monstrous vermin.
That is not a Bible story. That is the opening line of The Metamorphosis, the famous short story by the German-language author Franz Kafka.
I like Kafka.
As do I, but I am surprised to hear you quoting him without warning.
I do not feel I need to "warn" people about great literature. This piece is a beautiful, tragic story of rejection, isolation, and loneliness.
Yes, it brings tears to my eyes when I read it.

 

by Branddobbe
6-08-04
Good lord, what has become of our flesh?
We have been somehow reduced to bone and muscle tissue!
I have no eyes or tongue!
I am not certain, but I would surmise that we are also lacking brains.
Then how are we able to speak?
I must confess I do not know the answer to your question.

 

by Branddobbe
6-11-04
I believe we are lost.
My navigational programming has malfunctioned.
I am not certain, but I think I hear wolves.
Yes. Judging by the loudness of their howls, I would estimate they will be upon us in ten minutes and fourteen seconds.
Will they eat us?
They will eat you. They will attempt to eat me, but I am made of titanium and they will give up within a matter of seconds.

 

by Branddobbe
6-11-04
Hi. What's your name?
Jane. What's yours?
Alan. I've seen you at the library.
Yeah, I saw you there reading Hamlet. I love Shakespeare!
Hey, do you want to get some coffee sometime?
Sure, I'd love to!

 

by Branddobbe
6-11-04
I have been stranded on these icy shores for over seven years.
In all that time, I have not seen a single human alive. I have been forced to live off of fish and the occasional wolf.
Each night I pray for my deliverance from this godforsaken ice prison, but it has never come.

 

by Branddobbe
6-11-04
Hello.
Please don't talk to me. I'm here for a reason and I don't like people.

 

by Branddobbe
6-11-04
Please don't take me. I don't want to die.
I must. It is my duty, and your time.
AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!
I fear it will take a long time for me to adjust to death.
Perhaps.

 

by Branddobbe
6-12-04
How have I become this size?
akkkllkl
Everything is so small now. I cannot eat any of the things I would eat before.
rffkkjgfdlk
I fear I may starve to death, if I am not murdered by terrified citizens first.
hurk

 

by Branddobbe
6-12-04
Oops. Terribly sorry; I didn't mean to disturb you.
You have not disturbed me.
I didn't think anyone else was out here.
I didn't either. This is the first time I've ever come across someone in all the years I've been coming here.
Yes, it's very quiet. I find it relaxing.
Yes, I feel as though I can hear God better out here.

 

by Branddobbe
6-12-04
I can certainly understand that. It's very peaceful.
But very hot. Normally . . .
Yes?
Oh, it's very embarrassing.
I won't laugh. I promise.
Well, don't tell anyone at the convent, but normally when I come here I take my habit off. The whole thing.

 

by Branddobbe
6-12-04
Really? I do too.
Not for any lewd or prurient reasons, of course! Simply because of the heat.
Yes.
It . . . it's very hot, you see.
Yes. It is a desert.
And these clothes are black, which I understand absorbs heat and makes you hotter when you wear it.

 

by Branddobbe
6-12-04
Of course it is . . . liberating, being clad, outdoors, solely in one's undergarments.
. . . yes, or . . . or nude.

 

by Branddobbe
6-12-04
Y-yes, I h--- I mean, not becaus--- I . . .
Yeah . . .
I mean . . .
No, I know, it's . . .

 

by Branddobbe
6-12-04
Have, have you ever . . .
I . . . I don' . . . it really depends on the rest of that sentence.
I mean, you know, have you . . .

 

by Branddobbe
6-12-04
I--- you could be asking about a lot of things, I really don't know . . .
I mean . . . have you ever known anyone.
Oh.
In, in the biblical sense.
Well . . . I . . . not --- yes, but it's been a long time.
I haven't. I mean, not yet.

 

by Branddobbe
6-12-04
Yes, well . . .
I don't mean I've never wanted to. I have, of course. But . . . I became a nun when I was pretty young, so I haven't really . . .
Did--- do you . . .
. . . do you want to?
Well, yes, but . . .

 

by Branddobbe
6-12-04
But what?
I don't know if it's right. I mean, I took the vow of celibacy.
Tha . . . that's true. I don't want to stand in the way of that.
No, no, I want to. I mean, if God didn't want us to, then why would he have given us . . . things, and why would he have given us such strong desire?
I . . . that's a good point.
Let's do this. Only --- please don't tell people. I don't want to get kicked out of my convent.

 

by Branddobbe
6-13-04
I promise, I won't.
All right. This . . . let's start now.
Oh . . . oh my god.
I . . . I . . .
You're so beautiful . . .
I can't believe it! This is . . . ohhhhhhhh

 

by Branddobbe
6-13-04
Ohh my god . . .
ohhhhhhhh . . .
ahhh . . . . this is . . .
oh . . . oh . . .
I'm . . . I . . .

 

by Branddobbe
6-13-04

 

by Branddobbe
6-13-04
Good lord! A pair of lovers! Dead!
I'd have to confirm it with the coroner, but I would say they have died of heatstroke. What a tragedy.

 

by Branddobbe
7-15-04
So what's with the blue skin?
I have cancer.
Oh.
It's terminal. I'm going to die in three months.

 

by Branddobbe
10-07-04
No! This wasn't supposed to happen!
What's wrong?
Everything! Look at this place! It's utterly devastated!
Hmm. I wonder what happened.
What does it look like happened? Nuclear war! And it's all my fault!
Is there anything I can do to help?

 

by Branddobbe
10-07-04
I don't think so.
Well, here. Do you want to go see if your family is OK?
Yeah, I think that would be a good idea.
Good. Where do they live?
They gave me directions, although I suppose it's going to be hard to follow them in these conditions.
Well, we can try as best as we can.

 

by Branddobbe
10-07-04
I think we go that way.
OK, that's a good start.
Later.
We've been walking for a long time. I don't think this is the way.
I'm pretty sure it is. This is where Jefferson Avenue used to be.
How much longer is it going to take to get there?
I think that's where we're going. Those buildings over there.

 

by Branddobbe
10-07-04
Why are these buildings still intact? Why weren't they hit? It doesn't make any sense!
I don't know. Did you want to see if your family is all right?
Yes. Let me look up the address.
OK. I'll be waiting here.

 

by Branddobbe
10-07-04

 

by Branddobbe
10-07-04
They're dead! They've been murdered!
Um . . . what was the address to their apartment?
622 Marvin Road. Apartment 9-F.
Oh fuck.

 

by Branddobbe
10-07-04
"Oh fuck"? What do you mean "oh fuck"?!
Look, I . . . I killed your family.
WHAT?! WHY?!?!?!
I didn't know you! It's my job! I was sent to kill them, and I did!
You BASTARD! I WILL KILL YOU!!!
No!

 

by Branddobbe
10-07-04
I . . . I killed him. I just killed someone.
I was angry at him for killing my family, and I killed him. He's someone's family, too.
What have I done?

 

by Branddobbe
10-07-04
Here's a hammer and some nails. I'm going to kill myself.
nnnngggr

 

by Branddobbe
10-08-04

 

by Branddobbe
10-08-04
I'm reading this book about open relationships.
Oh yeah? What are open relationships?
It's an relationship that isn't monogamous, where you can have sex or dates or whatever with other people.
Huh. How strange.
Yeah, but it's really fascinating. It's a great book. It's really opening my mind to a lot of possibilities I had never even considered before.
I'll definitely have to check it out, then.

 

by Branddobbe
10-08-04

 

by Branddobbe
10-08-04

 

by Branddobbe
10-08-04

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