All comics by EastwiththeBeasts

 

Gabe walks in the Candy Shop..little does he know..it's more than that..if even that..
Hi! I'm not gay, but would you like to try on some clothes?
Why did he say he wasn't gay? Did I need to know that? Or was that a clue..
He's scared now and wants to leave..
*Lisp* We have all kIInds of clothes..silk..rough..how I like it! Ooh..I slay myself..
Ah-Actually, I thought this was a candy store..from..um..all the fruity colors outside...
Finally, he breaks free from the weird gay bald man and runs home to his mother..this story has no plot nor moral..but you read it..
No, sweetie..this is a fashion shop! Silly goose..now, what would you like ME to help YOU try on, little man?
Ya know what? It's gettin' kinda late..I..I'd better get goin'..don't want my mom waitin'..*under breath* fruitcake..

 

Hey, Suzie..I- I was wondering if you wanted to go out Friday..for a soda or something?
Um..No! You loser!
*Sigh* But..wh-why not?
Because last time you were just so...asscrappy!
She's right..I am a loser..But atleast I still have my penis..Oh shit..

 

Crack-Me Toys Co.
Hey, Stan..how was Mary last night?
I told you not to talk to me while I'm drinking my coffee on break. And she was wonderful..
Crack-Me Toys Co.
Oh..sorry big guy. So, what do you put in that coffee you got there? Any uh..special medicines? *looks around*
What are you? Fuckin' retarded? I put milk, and lots of sugar in this. And what's with you today..I tell ya, man..if you act like a moron all day..I'll steal yer dog and rape yer wife..*Long Pause*
Crack-Me Toys Co.
So..how was Sheila the other night?
Oh my God..What's with this idiot? Here we go again...

 

Crack-Me Toys Co.
Larry! Get yer ass to work, you two time, lizard wearin', foul smellin', nasty, scaly, ugly son of a bitch!
But why? I do nothing and yet I get paid...I just ask guys about their wives because I have none..so why start now?
Crack-Me Toys Co.
NOW!!! I'll still pay ya, just stop talkin' to me! I hate yer guts! Now act like you're working!!!
Whaaatever...I'm gonna go ask Bill how his wife was last night..You'll call me later tonight, right?
Crack-Me Toys Co.
*Says real fast* Yea, sure, why not.
*Says real fast* Ok.

 

Ya know? And I sit there and tell him..This isn't going to work out in the line of business. We need something reasonable and prompt and I-I just didn't agree with him.
*Says in cracking voice* Do I have any pants on? *Belch*
N-No, actually, you don't. What happened to them?
*Walks away*....................................................................................
*Shrugs* And so I tell him..this isn't going to work out and we need something strict and prompt and something that'll benefit us yet our customers as well. We just didn't see eye to eye..Ya know?
Well, maybe you should ask him to dinner tonight. Maybe you two can bury the hatchet ya know? Did you hear about the guy with no pants?

 

Crack-Me Toys Co.
Ya know who you look like? That one weird guy off of the 'Star Wars' movies? What his name..*thinks for a while*
*Type-Type-Type* Jar-Jar-Binks? What a loser..I don't watch those stupid movies..
Crack-Me Toys Co.
And what's with the top hat? Got a date tonight? No! Let me guess, you're in show business..right?
*Type-Type-Type* Go away..don't you have work to do? And I like this top hat..*sob* My grandfather gave it to me before he passed away..don't make fun of it...*sob*
Crack-Me Toys Co.
*Long Pause* ...riiight...Well, ya know...I- I think I'm gonna be going...Maybe I'll actually try some work for once..instead of running around these offices...well..bye..*walks quickly away*
*Evil Smile* Hey, it got him to get off my ass didn't it? God, that guy's annoying...

 

*Sigh* Another long day at the job...Honey! I'm home!
*Says in Rough Voice* Hi, sweetie..did you buy any tampons at the store like I asked you to?
Jesus God in Heaven! *breathes heavily* I can't let the guys at work find out about my ugly ass wife or they'll ride my ass for the next twenty years!
I'll take that as a no. Well, supper's on the table *fart* *belch*
*Praying* God, take my life now! Please..I'll do anything! My wife is butt-ugly, I have a sucky job! And I can't get this ridiculously looking coffe mug out of my hands! Please take my life away..NOW!
Are you kidding? I'm actually enjoying this...

 

Crack-Me Toys Co.
So, listen to this, Carl; I was at the mall the other day and I saw this little sweet ass brune-
Crack-Me Toys Co.
Listen, man; We all know about yer very unfortunately ugly ass bunny wife...I hate to break the news to ya..but we were going to make fun of ya and all..but, damn...She is just TOO ugly!
Crack-Me Toys Co. *Ring Ring Ring* = Coffee Break (Lunch Break)
Today's beauty in looks are all based off what people see on T.v. and in magazines..sad, sad world we live in..I wonder what's on the PlayBoy Channel in the worker's lounge..

 

Ya know, Ken; You should get out more often instead of revolutionizing yer entire life around a piece of equipment that some scary lookin' guy with glasses and has lots of money that made that...
What are you saying? That I'm a nerd that can't get girls in bed if I paid em' my life long savings?
(Yea, that's exactly what I'm saying!) NO! Ken, listen, man..I'm saying that maybe you should get out more instead of letting a machine run yer life instead of playing baseball,or goin' out and runnin
Listen, Patrick..You're my best friend n' all, but I don't think that you or anybody else can change my mind about ol' Betsy..
You actually named yer computer?
You colored folks wouldn't understand the concept of naming people anyway...Jamal? Pootang? Patrick? Hoochie Mamas and chicken wings? He's right..what IS this world coming to?

 

While Walking to School...
So, KenMan..You ready for school? I've noticed this is the only time you get out and actually see the real world..Quite a discovery, if I say so myself..
You could say that.
Is that all you've got to say for yerself?
Stop right there! I've just had an internal memory breakthrough! I've decided to change my life and see better to it than I do myself. Social events such as dances, football, and the occasional pranks
Really? What's gotten into you Ken?
Well, yer on and off everyday bitching and complaining has gone too far, so I think if I stop now and get out more, that maybe you'll shut yer fat mouth and let me live my life..

 

While in Computer Class...
Ya know, Ken..Computer class and yer home aren't much different for you, are they?
Yea..I guess yer right for onced, they aren't that much different..
That's it! I give up! No matter what I say or do, I will never get you off that damned computer! I'm gonna go hang out with my other friends!
Ok. See ya lader, man..
*Patrick* Pssst!...And don't forget to mention the 'After School Handjobs' you give all the guys for their life long savings!
...Right...I'm only doing this because yer older brother is a hottie...

 

Back in the Bedroom...
Well, I'm finally see that you've come to yer senses and 'logged' off yer last days of computers..
Well, I've found out that this world ISN'T based off high-tech machines and little whores who give hand-jobs..
Really, Ken? What is it about then?
It's about hangin' out with my best colored friend in the world...You, Patrick..
And CUT! That'll be awesome for the school play..just do it like that and we'll win this year, totally!
Phew..I actually thought I was gonna shed a tear. Oh, sorry you didn't know about this yet, Patrick..I didn't mean a damn word I said..

 

He's doing one of those things where you try to get someone's attention by saying 'Ahem'
Ahem! Ahem Ahem! *Gargle* Ahem!!!
What is it, man? I know yer tryin' to get somethin' across to me..
(I love doing this. I wonder how long it'll take him this time...) Ahem!!! Ahem!!
What is it already?! I know you're doing one of those things where you try to get my attention by not saying anything! You've got my attention, so for the love of God, tell me something!!
Nothing, I was just clearing my throat.
Oh.

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