Because they just don't make after-school specials like this

Author: Ezrael

Date: July 11, 2002

by Ezrael
7-11-02
Scientists are still unsure if a meteor large enough to destroy modern life could strike anytime soon.
Even now, staph infections are almost entirely resistant to modern antibiotics.
And I'm pretty sure the government is putting mind control drugs in my water. Either that, or I really do have a dancing go-go skeleton in my apartment.
Screw you, rodent. Go put your tinfoil shorts on and let me work my magic.