All comics by Ezrael

Profile

 

by Ezrael
7-11-02
Scientists are still unsure if a meteor large enough to destroy modern life could strike anytime soon.
Even now, staph infections are almost entirely resistant to modern antibiotics.
And I'm pretty sure the government is putting mind control drugs in my water. Either that, or I really do have a dancing go-go skeleton in my apartment.
Screw you, rodent. Go put your tinfoil shorts on and let me work my magic.

 

by Ezrael
7-11-02
You're probably wondering how a depressed rabbit and a dancing corpse became friends.
Woo! Rockin' with Dokken!
Well, you see, the problem was that the US Department of Defense takes a lot of young guys straight out of high school, some of them less than fully committed to academic excellence.
'Breaking the chains that bind me...'
Our friend Bryce here really shouldn't have been assigned to germ warfare.
Nightmare on Elm Street 3 is the best movie ever!

 

by Ezrael
7-11-02
You see, before the robot holocaust...well, okay, there weren't any robots...Bryce was your average kid.
Sure, a trifle dimmer and more unmotivated than most, but his love for the music of seminal 80's rock band Dokken kept him alive.
I'm not gay, but I'd fellate George Lynch in a second if he asked me.
Unfortunately, his mind was so addled by repeated exposure to punishing riffs and throbbing basslines (and the falsetto shriek of horrible little hobbit-man Don Dokken) that his judgement was impaired
If only I could make George notice me...or even Jeff Pilson...
The worst thing about being a telepathic robot is reading thoughts like those.

 

by Ezrael
7-11-02
Little suspecting that the robot from the future might not be trustworthy, Bryce was lured into a web of intrigue...
Say, did I happen to hear you think that you'd like to impress George Lynch, guitarist for Dokken and The Lynch Mob after they broke up?
Dokken broke up?
Yes. Anyway, I happen to know for a fact that George Lynch is really impressed by the US Army's secret bacteriological warfare division.
Dokken broke up?
And so the seeds of armageddon were sown on the rocky, infertile soil of Bryce's deserted brain.
*Sigh.* LOOK, MORON, JOIN THE ARMY AND GEORGE LYNCH WILL REJOIN DOKKEN!
Dokken broke up?

 

by Ezrael
7-11-02
Soon, Bryce found himself in charge of the Army's secret Singularity project, an attempt to breed superhumans by means of tailored retorvirus. Turns out President Bush thought "DOKKEN KICKS ASS!!!!!"
I really don't get why George Lynch would be interested in this crap. It's freaking easy.
All I have to do is introduce the irradiated strain of virus cocktail alpha-7 into my bloodstream and hit myself with a pulse of UV light...
Unfortunately, once Bryce became like unto a God, his natural love for Dokken conflicted with the sudden infusion of awareness that his omnipotence brought on, and he realized they sucked.
LO! The Universe's Secrets Are Mine To Command! I Know All! Matter Becomes Energy At My Whim! I Can Make The Sick Whole, And See Through The Mists Of Time! But...Something Is Wrong!
Yeah. I was kind of drunk and teasing the Israelites into hanging out in the desert for forty years when I came up with them. Sorry.

 

by Ezrael
7-11-02
A very special message.
Hello. I'm Cthulhu, and this is my wednesday bridge partner, Satan.
Nice to meet you.
Just in case you were thinking that drinking Smirnoff Ice or Bacardi Silver will cause nymphomaniacs to fall from the sky or allow you to transform an otherwise dull location into a party...
Isn't going to happen. They're all just malt liquor. Not even skank-ass malt liquor like Haeffenreffer, either. We're talking Zima in drag.
And Zima's really just the fluid that weeps from the nipples on Satan's back.
It's true. I leak Zima. You'd be better off trying to get a contact high by licking Billy Dee Williams.

 

by Ezrael
7-11-02
What is your anti-drug?
Pussy. Lots and lots of sweet poon tang.
Movies with guys wearing eyepatches. I love those damn things. I'd wear one myself, except I'm so damn pretty.
Brraaaiiinns. Need brraaaiiinns.
Opium and iced-tea cocktails. What?
Prostituition and white slavery.
Say, do you think Cthulhu likes me?

 

by Ezrael
9-12-02
Excuse me. Would you happen to be Pete?
Look, I'm really busy. I don't have time for fans.
I apologize, but a sinister man in a hockey mask demanded that I...
Jesus, what's that maniac want now? Blow, junior.
But he told me to tell you that "The Aldrin Experiment is a success..."
Shit, why didn't you say so!? Did he tell you how much Adrenachrome it took to get ol' Buzz swinging?

 

by Ezrael
9-12-02
Even awesome forces of mind-shattering eldritch chaos have needs...
Look, I really don't think it's a good idea.
How can you say that?
I mean, look at her! She's pretty, perky, sweet, and she was so good in Interview with the Vampire!
Do you think he realizes this is even creepier than his Christina Ricci obsession?
Hey, it's better than his five year obsession with Pokemon cards.

 

by Ezrael
9-12-02
A message from the diseased hack who pretends to be the cartoonist around here:
Hi. On behalf of myself and my friend George Lynch here, I'd really like to apologize for any confusion.
We're the Dream Warriors...
You see, a couple of months ago, there was a surge of cartoons involving the apocalypse brought about by a psychotic Dokken fan...
DRR-drr-drr-drr dandandan dan...
Well, unfortunately, our creator got himself into a bit of caffeine poisoning that night, and since then he's been relatively sane. so there's little chance of that series ever ending. Sorry.
I was so disappointed. I'd been led to believe that crazy omnipotent kid was going to fellate me.

 

by Ezrael
9-12-02
A phone call I forgot to make today, so I decided to do it in strip form:
So you spent an hour at a Barnes and Nobel waiting for a man in an Earthlink T-shirt and a black leather hat?
Yeah, but that wasn't the worst part. As I waited, a pack of gibbering bluehairs walked through the store, telling us all we should be ashamed to be alive since we weren't at the memorial service.
Isn't that shit insane? I mean, so they close a bunch of stores for an hour. Yeah, that makes up for all the psychosis we've been enduring.
Hell, I'm already on edge from all those damn PSA's with people getting arrested in libraries and the constant clicking sound on my telephone.
Still, we should keep in mind all the things we have in our lives that help give everything meaning.
Oh, I do. Believe me. Say, is it paranoid of me to stockpile canned goods and live under my bed for the next year?

 

by Ezrael
9-12-02
The perils of watching TV at 4:12 AM
GIRLS GONE WILD! Look how wild they are! Woo! It's as if they were raised by wolves!
It's like a train-wreck...
Watch 'em go! Look! They're flashing a camera for a few seconds! Wow! That's just crazy! I have a hard time believing that these girls aren't in institutions! My God, you can see their aurolae!
But it's better than listening to Don LaPre for another second.
At least they aren't showing people leaping out of the windows at the WTC anymore.
Feeling tense, America? Look! Breasts! You don't have to worry about the approaching armageddon. We have nipples to briefly show you!

 

by Ezrael
9-12-02
To encapsulate a life is always difficult.
Son?
Yes, dad?
How does one capture the subtleties?
You know how yesterday, we sat on the couch and watched Looney Tunes and I told you I would always love you?
Sure, how could I forget?
Screw it. I'm going for the groin.
Well, from now on, I've decided we should live in constant terror that either the Soviets or the Federal Government will attack the farm. Come with me into the Spam-lined room and learn.
Christ, I knew I shouldn't have beaten you at Yar's Revenge.

 

by Ezrael
9-12-02
School was a trying experience for our hero...
Hey! You're that kid who talks to trees! Fuck you, you smelly asshole?
I'm sure if I attempt to correct his misnomer, he'll become my friend...
It seems sometimes that people are cruel and lacking in empathy.
You see, I wasn't actually speaking to the tree, I was merely nervous and practicing what I would say if a stranger...
Hey, everyone, tree-boy was talking to the tree because he wet his pants! He's a stupid pants wetter!
Years later, in High School...
Say, do I know you from somewhere?
Yeah. You told a bunch of girls I wet my pants and then held my head in a puddle when I was ten. Oh, by the way, I'm going to break your arm so badly that you'll never play baseball again now.

 

by Ezrael
9-12-02
The Principal was a forgiving sort...
Matthew...I understand you and Jeff have had some issues, but I really think you went overboard when you broke his arm like that.
Have you taken the fact that I stopped myself from killing him and merely jammed him into a dumpster into account? I thought that showed restraint.
I was close to my mother.
Uhm...I think I'm going to have to suspend you for a few days. I'll call your mom to come get you.
Well, that's fair. Say, the voices in my head think I should warn you now that I'm going to jump over the desk and try and throw you out the window of your office and onto the car-packed street below.

 

by Ezrael
9-12-02
I dreaded my father finding out what I'd done.
Son, I'm very disappointed in you.
Sorry, dad.
Sorry? Sorry!? You broke a boy's arm in three places and then attempted to hang your Principal out the window of his office! If the gym teacher hadn't come in, you'd probably be guilty of murder!
It got to the point where I actually hoped the Soviets would invade.
How could a son of mine have so completely failed to kill such easy targets! That's it, get in the Spam room and count the tins. And you'd better not eat any!
Eat any? It's all I can do not to vomit when I see that the cans are RUSTY.

 

by Ezrael
9-12-02
Finally, I escaped my home and arrived at the halls of higher education...
Hello. I'm Matt. So, what classes are you taking?
Visual thinking?
That's an actual class?
I think it's my major, actually.

 

by Ezrael
9-12-02
Pete and Chris knew me best in college. Here are their stories.
He just leapt out of the True Crime section of the library one day and informed me I was his friend. He then made me go see 'Toys' with him.
They made me share a room with him. I don't know if he showered that whole year. He did scream a lot in his sleep and fall obsessively in love with my girlfriend, though.
Even after I transferred out of that wasteland, I couldn't shake him. One Valentine's Day, he showed up at my door at 2 AM. He was there to spend the night so as to rise early.
He also would giggle whenever the dorm would watch movies like 'Natural Born Killers' and he once vanished for a month after kicking a door open into a particularly vacuous person's forehead.
He spent the entire night talking about old issues of All Star Squadron and got up the next day to declare his love for a woman he'd spoken to once and got in a fight with her abusive ex-boyfriend.
Listen, he doesn't know we're talking about him, right? Once I saw him leap out of a second story window to try and strange a custodian who'd 'been whispering'.

 

by Ezrael
9-12-02
Convinced I would never know the touch of a woman, I traveled to England
Hello. Could you tell me where York Minster is?
Hey, nice teeth! Wanna go do the old slap and tickle?
Sorry? I don't quite follow you.
Y'know, hide the kipper? Post-hole digging? Midnight's dark shame? What are you, a 23 year old virgin?
24, actually. I bathe infrequently and often whimper in my sleep.
Well, you're just full of yourself, aren't you? Lessee what ol' Haley can do with you...

 

by Ezrael
9-12-02
Hmmm. This is what sex is like. It's not at all like I read about.
I mean, it's nice, but I was expecting fireworks and grand passion and instead, I feel kind of dirty.
Still, at least now I'm not a virgin anymore.
I suppose I should tell him we need to get naked first.

 

by Ezrael
9-18-02
Sometimes politics get complicated. So let's break it down...
I AM NOT LISTENING! LALALALALALALALALALA!
You know, you'll really just have to accept this.
Are you deaf? I am not going to listen! Go away before I kill the Olsen twins!
Look, that's just incentive. Anyway, it's a fact: Iraq is letting in the inspectors.
But we have all these fancy new ways to kill people and distract the country from our hijinks.
Yes, I know. Look, maybe North Korea will do something stupid.

 

by Ezrael
9-20-02
People say things. Sometimes you overhear them.
So, you're really...
Yes. I'm Canadian.
You don't mean to overhear them, of course.
Oh my God. I don't know if I can date a Canadian.
In fact sometimes you woud rather be loaded on snakevenom and LSD.
I don't eat meat myself, and I don't think anyone should.

 

by Ezrael
9-27-02
Matthew Rossi! Turn, and face me, the angel Moroni, bringer of enlightenment!
Beg pardon?
Yes, it is I! And as I have before, I've come to appoint you the new shepherd for those of true faith, hope and purity!
Wait a minute...l know you! You're that guy who appeared to Joseph Smith with the original book of Mormon! You're no angel! You're Scott Thompson!
I certainly am not a Canadian comedian with a time machine! I'm God's servant!
Sure you are. Gold books and rose colored glasses? You were good on Larry Sanders, at least.

 

by Ezrael
9-27-02
The Great Debate Continues...
Admit it, it makes sense.
I'll admit no such thing.
Look, you've seen Throw Momma From The Train, you know it would work. All they have to do is switch targets.
Throw Momma...? Did you actually pass over a Hitchcock film for the Danny DeVito remake/ spoof? Are you insane?
Legally, yes. Stop changing the subject. My plan is brilliance.
Look, it's not a plan to suggest that Tom Cat and Wile E. Coyote switch Jerry the Mouse and the Road Runner, it's just a sign that you've been snorting Borax and watching the Cartoon Network again.

 

by Ezrael
9-27-02
She was working as a dominatrix in a leather bar when I met her
RING
I picked her up and showed her my chimp and good times were found
Yes?
I have your little furry friend here without you.
Now she's turned to someone who...
GIVE ME BACK MY MONKEY! GIVE HIM BACK, NOOOOOOOOOW! YOU KNOW I CAN RETRIEVE IT IF I HAVE TO KILL A LEGION!
Now I think it's time you paid me what I deserve, or your monkey's doomed.

 

by Ezrael
9-27-02
It's a perfect plan he's a complete heel, he'll pay for the ape, believe me.
I never doubted you but I just have to say, do you think he's able to pay?
If someone whines like that sack of flan, he'll crack like the Falklands. Meh.
Who's that at the door, I should check right away, hold on to the ape for me.
Now God's going to hear you scream real loud, the psycho's got an axe for you
Where the fuck's my ape, oh don't bother to say, I'll just chop the info FROM YOU!!!!

 

by Ezrael
9-27-02
I'm wanting a pround marmoset, I want him to gibber again
Whoa nelly, you lost control, they're deader than sin again
Can anyone find that chimp again?
Don't know, don't know, don't really care.
I am not singing a Pete Yorn song.
DOKKEN!

 

by Ezrael
10-01-02
So Willow is gay? Gay how?
Look, I'm just saying that we need a new word for what we used to mean when we would call something gay.
I'm not sure I follow you.
I mean, Willow is pretty damn gay.
Shh! That Deucepm guy will hear you and then he'll rip your wings off and bathe in your ichor!
Although I have to admit, any movie with Warwick Davis, Val Kilmer and Rick Overton all wearing metal and leather while rolling around in snowbanks is a little questionable...
Homophobe.

 

by Ezrael
10-03-02
Hey...uhm, Satan, buddy, what the here are you doing?
I'm getting these hamburgers ready.
I'm lightly grilling the beef, slicing the tomatoes and lettuce up nice, toasting these sourdough buns to the right degree of firmness without burning them, sauteeing the onions and mushrooms.
Well, yes, I can see all that, but for the love of all that's unholy, why is your dick hanging out of your pants?
That's where mayonnaise comes from.

 

by Ezrael
10-03-02
So let me see if I've got this straight.
I can almost guarantee that you haven't, but go ahead. I could use the distraction.
So both Signs and Unbreakable were by M. Night Shyamalan, and in both, water was the achilles heel for some otherwise impervious being or beings?
Yes, that's correct. Both Bruce Willis's character in Unbreakable and the aliens in Signs were susceptible to water. And this means?
That M. Night Shyamalan probably smells like a mule carcass that's been dipped in horseshit?
Do you ever tire of being the Pinky of this particular team?

 

by Ezrael
10-04-02
What's that I hear? Is it that the Doors are putting out a new album?
Fuck you. The Doors were Jim Morrison and three losers, not two of the losers, one of the losers from The Police, and Ian Astbury.
I find your cynicism disturbing. Come on Isn't it better than thinking about Ted Nugent trying to get Lance Bass to pay him a million dollars to come to the ranch and be taught bow hunting?
Ted Nugent's the what now?
You didn't know that? Ted's been offering to 'make a man of Bass' by taking him out in the woods and doing manly things with him. For the low, low cost of a million dollars.
Sweet God. Are you telling me that Ted Nugent is a male prostitute now?

 

by Ezrael
10-05-02
The epic tale of my trip last year to Chattanooga and then Boston
Hmm. Says here in this book that I should attempt to bond with the person in the seat next to me.
Here's your seat.
Hi. I'm Matt. My life just fell apart and I'm running to the east coast to take some time and figure things out.
I'm a flatulent old man with an extreme deafness problem who finds Paul Hogan exceptionally funny. And Thank GOD they're showing Crocodile Dundee in LA.
Bond, hack into a thousand little pieces, I see little difference.
Ho ho ho, SHIT ON ME! You know it, Dundee!

 

by Ezrael
10-05-02
Once I arrived in Chattanooga, fresh hell awaited me.
So yeah, it's like a thousand degrees, I haven't slept and they lost my luggage. I just spent six hours on the phone with their automated phone system, which is apparently the first machine to go mad.
Poor baby. Well, I'm at work and so far, I can't imagine a better way to break suspected criminals.
*Knock knock knock* Heyo, is'm there anyone in there? I'm the Courier with your luggage. Say, did you know you ain't on any of the maps?
Yeah, yeah, hold on, mister magic luggage man!
Mister magic...did I just say that out loud?
Oh, don't worry, I'll be reminding you of it on a regular basis.

 

by Ezrael
10-06-02
Our boys are in trouble again.
So here we are, in Carl's Bad Cavern, a local watering hole...
Jesus, you idiot, you did it again! You brought us to Carlsbad Caverns AGAIN!
What are you talking about? Sure, it's a little rustic, and there's no one here but us, and I seem to have misplaced the bar...shit. I did do it again, didn't I?
Now we're going to have to do battle with hordes of undead, slavering monsters and irate demons...AGAIN!
Well, at least we have each other to depend on, right?
Maybe if I crush his skull with a rock I can use his body to sate the undead long enough to get out of here...or at least spend my last few moments before they devour me in peace.

 

by Ezrael
10-06-02
Look, I said I was sorry, allright? Sheesh. It's not like you haven't gotten us into trouble yourself...
I'm sorry? I can't hear you over the echoes of OUR IMPENDING DOOM!
Don't be such a drama queen. What could possibly be here, anyway? It's not like the dark unholy spawn of evil frequent the blackest corners of the world hungering for souls.
What are you, Pippi Longstocking? That's exactly what they do! Like that one behind you!
Don't listen to him. As usual, he's being totally unreasonable and blaming everything on you like the strutting little martinet he is.
Yeah! Like he said, you're a slutty little marionette!

 

by Ezrael
10-06-02
AIYYIEE! He's INSANE!!!
GET! GET ON OUT! WE DON'T WANT ANY! YOU'RE NOT EATING MY ANNOYING LITTLE FRIEND'S SOUL!
Pant...pant...well, the axe broke off in his head, but Uncle Machete and I took care of him.
Wow, what was that? It's almost as though Matt was here, but I couldn't quite make it out.
Oh, for the love of...look, I just killed a damn demon over here, I so am not going to put up with the silent treatment, you sick fuck.
It's a shame he vanished after saying those unwarranted mean things about me, because it is awful lonely here in this cave ALL BY MYSELF.

 

by Ezrael
10-06-02
Look, all I'm looking for is a simple admission that this isn't all my fault.
Fair enough. If I hadn't been busy stuffing that guy into that bag, I suppose I would have paid more attention to where we were going.
Exactly! Say, who was that guy, anyway?
You've got me. I've been going through his book collection...De Vermis Mysteries, The Book of Eibon, Fast Food Nation and The Book of the Names of The Dead.
...Beg Pardon?
It's enthralling stuff. Did you know that they used to cook French Fries in the blood of the dark goat of the woods with a thousand young? I may be getting them mixed up.

 

by Ezrael
10-06-02
The Book of the Names of the Dead? That's the Necronomicon! Deep fried shit pancakes with piss syrup, you've been reading from the Necronomicon?
Yeah, so? What's the big deal?
The Necronomicon! The Al-Azif! The testament of the lost souls of Irem! The document of the devoured souls! It brings madness and eats the mind! Even Sam Raimi only leafed through it a few times!
I don't see what the big deal is. It's not like reading the book has filled me with an unholy rage that only your blood spilling out onto my hands like crimson gloves could quench.
I should be running now, huh?
That's probably a good idea, yeah.

 

by Ezrael
10-07-02
Okay...pant, pant...Matt's busy dismembering that effigy of me I made out of that guy in the bag. Now to figure out what's going on...
Okay, let me see...this all started when Matt and I jumped that kid with the frosted hair, waif-like stare and trunkload of occult tomes.
I suppose I should have realized he wasn't going to a bar...but what hideous force could have led him to this dank pit in the middle of the wilderness?
Wang-Dang-Sweet Poontang, motherfucker.

 

by Ezrael
10-07-02
I should have know you were behind this, Nugent.
She gives me cat scratch fever...and I'm going to give you the gift of never.
I can't believe I killed...indirectly...Lance Bass and didn't even get to enjoy it.
Well, now you'll be taking his place in my army of unholy darkness. I'm going to accelerate your life just like the Navy...into an early grave.
And the best part is, no one can stop me from rocking, from hunting, from shooting, or from devouring your soul. Nobody!
To quote my favorite movie, "Say hello to my little friend."

 

by Ezrael
10-07-02
Wow.
Yeah.
That was really epic, the way you and Ted Nugent had that battle, sparks flying into the air as you slashed with your axe and he parried with his guitar.
And the way the wailing of a thousand demons roared out as I decapitated him...man, you don't see that every day.
Or any day, around here.
Look, we're lucky we even have a strip. Take what you can get.

 

by Ezrael
10-08-02
Ah, the siren call of nature. The hum of the wings of insects, the sussuration of the avian dance throughout the air, the chittering of the squirrels...
The howling of a hungry pack of wolves, the screeching of the bats, the rustling of the icy wind rushing through the trees, the electrum crackle of the lightning as it pounds the earth...
The earth, burdened with a human mass that seethes upon its surface like a cancer, desperate for release and hoping to wet its parched soil with the blood of one of it's human parasites!
Jesus' hairy nutsack, Matt, it's a Christmas Tree Stand. BUY a clue, would you?

 

by Ezrael
10-08-02
The throbbing engine of my heart is the power of the oncoming future.
Beg pardon?
The grinding of the wheel that renders mankind into the components of the great machine brings with it a roaring, the lion of the clockwork, the explosion of all things artificial and of artifice.
Uhm...are you feeling all right?
The construction of that which is to come is in chaos, the clattering of gears and the clanging of bells, the empire of the manufactured as it purges away all the dross that comes before.
Oh, shit, it's performance art, isn't it?

 

by Ezrael
10-10-02
AAAAAAAAAA!
In chaos and riots, the screech of machines, no right and no wrong and no inbetween!!!!
Fall one by one, the queen to her fool, dos dedos mis amigos, everything's cool!!!
Sweet God, he's cut Santa's head off and now he's after me!!!
Uhm, Matt? Not to interrupt you in the middle of a murder spree, but why the hell are you killing Santa and his elves.
It's fucking OCTOBER, that's why. Fucker's are infringing on my fucking Halloween, and I will not fucking have the only holiday I have left debased. Now get me some fucking candy corn.

 

by Ezrael
10-12-02
An extraterrestrial, or just a retarded child?
No, really, that's the whole headline. Go to http://english.pravda.ru/main/2002/10/12/38068.html if you don't believe me.

 

by Ezrael
10-12-02
Save for this, everything in this strip was cut and paste.
In a yard he was attacked by a he-goat with almost classical name – Borka (diminutive from Boris).
The student got off with “graze of soft tissue of back part of the body.” Borka was whipped with a switch.
During this census, many curious stories are said to happen. For example, this one.
While the owner of the goat, while being afraid of possible responsibility, preferred to disappear for some time and has been hiding from authorities, according to his daughter-in-law, in the garage.

 

by Ezrael
10-12-02
Immanuel Velikovsky, theorist and madman
Indeed there was no moon before the flood, for the planet Venus was at that time still a comet gestating within the Jovian core and had not passed by the Earth. The Moon came after.
Carl Sagan, dead scientist with a stick up his ass
I find it hard to define the topic, since the only evidence for this "Flood" is in religious texts that also speculate that Angels exist, that you can drive away demons with the smell of fish, and so.
Man with assless chaps off of the streets.
Don't I know it? I flood the bathroom every morning before I put these things on just from sweat...have you ever worn leather chaps? They are not comfy. Still, I do have a beautiful moon to share.

 

by Ezrael
11-06-03
Hi. You may remember us from such epics as "The Caves of Doom" and "The Lil' Sociopaths Save Christmas."
Or you may have actually known the touch of another human being at some point. I didn't say it was a good touch, mind you.
It's been a while, and we thought we'd celebrate the Thanksgiving season with an epic series of strips celebrating that holiday's amazing origins.
Amazing origins? Abraham Lincoln told everyone we were going to have it.
Now that we've got that out of the way, what're we going to do for the next mess of strips.
Go apeshit, smash shit up, kill things, make bad jokes. The usual. Thanksgiving will merely be the canvas on which we hurl elephant dung.

 

by Ezrael
11-07-03
The origins of Thanksgiving lie in the humble 1880's, in the town of Tombstone, Arizona
Yee-hah! I'm Frank Stilwell, deputy sheriff here in Tombstone. Oh, and I also beat an old man to death with rocks out by the old Brokow mine in what the San Francisco papers are calling a 'ritual.'
I'm a mule.
We here in Tombstone give thanks for lots of things. Why, I personally give thanks to Hastur, the King in Yellow, for allowing me to put a bullet in Morgan Earp's spine.
What in the fruited nipples of our nation's plains are you talking about? Thanksgiving isn't about shooting Morgan Earp in the back! It's about gorging yourself on the also-ran symbol of our nation!
Once again the Thanksgiving spirit failed to find purchase in the rocky wilderness of Pete's heart.
For the luvva...sorry, kids, we're going to have to come back and try and learn the origins of Thanksgiving next strip.
Hey, Pete, check it out! I got my Thanksgiving Morgan Earp bits right here! Says they were shot off of him by Pete Spense himself!

 

by Ezrael
11-07-03
The origins of Thanksgiving lie in Plymouth, Massachusetts, in the year 1066
You know, Cthulhu, I don't think we take enough time to be thankful for the things we have been blessed enough to experience.
You've got a good point there, my friend. A very good point. I'm very thankful for the screaming insanity I bring to mortal minds, for instance, their thoughts bubbling away like spit on a hot stone.
Like the howling of the flesh-trees I sculpted from the penitent and the proud alike, their human lives ended merely to amuse my own unfathomable alien cruelties, valet to a host of dementations.
I think we're all thankful for that, my friend. Why, when I look around this lovely forest, at the natives wailing in their own filth as their minds are torn screaming into insanity...I give thanks.
The motto: just because someone wrote it in a book doesn't make it any less stupid or untrue.
...the hell you talking about, man? This is so the last time I let you narrate one of these things.
Look, I'm just reading from the book. I mean, if you can't trust "Uncle Howard Phillips' Tales of Thanksgyving Past" then what can you trust?

Showing page 1.

Next »