All comics by Fry_cook_boy

Profile

 

by Fry_cook_boy
10-04-06
So you say the guy was about 5ft 10in and 180lbs right?
That's right officer.
And he stole everything but your scarf and tophat?
That's right, I'm not too worried about the clothes but do you think that you'll be able to get back my other carrot?
Your other carrot?.. Oh god, I did not need that visual image! *sigh* I hate this town.

 

by Fry_cook_boy
10-04-06
So this is where he's hiding?
Yep, now hand over the twenty you promised.
Mr. Jackson I'm placing you under arrest.
For what?
You held the President of Bolivia hostage for a tuna fish sandwich!
Hey, I was hungry.

 

by Fry_cook_boy
10-04-06
Excuse me sir.
Yes?
Are you providing for your future with adequate life insurance? I represent the First Mutual Life Company of Omaha and if you have a moment I’d like to talk to you about your future.
...
Accidents can happen at any time sir.

 

by Fry_cook_boy
10-04-06
Mmm Whopper...
May I take your order sir?
Yes, I'd like a Whopper, fries and a coke.
Great, and for an extra 50¢ would you like to add a lifetime supply of acorns?
... Wait a minute, aren't you the guy who escaped from the mental hospital yesterday?
Crap, he's on to me.

 

by Fry_cook_boy
10-04-06
Doctor Johnson... Doctor Johnson!
And then use the #2 scalpel.
You do realize that that's a scarecrow right?
...
Never mind, cancel the surgery!

 

by Fry_cook_boy
10-06-06
Hey Dan, How's it going?
Hey Joe. You know, it's still hard to believe that my little brother is spending his life helping the less fortunate and fulfilling our mothers dream.
Yes indeed Joe, you bring the gift of joy and laughter and hope to many a homeless person and tourist.
Darn it Dan, how many times do I have to tell you? I'm a cop not a street mime!
...You know it's a good thing that mother didn't live to see this day; it would have broken her heart.

 

by Fry_cook_boy
10-06-06
And you say that there is a great evil in your house right now and it's threatening your life?
That's right laddie it's a tremendous beast with no face and it's been snarling something about wanting me life.
I think we should wait for my backup to arive.
I can't wait, the beast has got me dander up, I'm going back in and it'll be him or me.
Oh it's just you, I guess I can cancel the backup. What happened to Mr. O'Keefe?
I locked him in the closet and ran. I just came in to talk to him about his future and he went berserk. It's almost as if he has an unnatural fear of life insurance.

 

by Fry_cook_boy
10-06-06
And get the forensics team over here too.
Excuse me, can I get a number 3 with a Coke?
What?
Ma’am I don't work here. I'm a cop and you're in the middle of a crime scene.
Oh! Silly me, I thought that you were a part of the "Village People" promotion that they're running.
Good lord, what a nutcase.
I always thought that you all looked so smart in your little uniforms prancing all over those stages. I simply loved that song about the YMCA. When my husband was alive blah blah blah blah blah...

 

by Fry_cook_boy
10-06-06
Excuse me, are you Joe?
Yes, and you must be Helen.
Yes, I'm so glad to meet you. You're very cute.
I will never let Dan set up a blind date for me again.
I'm a Taurus and I love long walks on the beach.

 

by Fry_cook_boy
10-11-06
*knock knock*
Excuse me sir, may I have a moment of your time?
Sure, come in.
I'm with the United Way Clown volunteer group. We need your support to encourage terminally ill patients in your area.
I can give you five dollars.
Um, actually we're looking for more clowns...
My brother Dan sent you didn't he?

 

by Fry_cook_boy
10-16-06
Please step out of the vehicle.
We didn't do anything.
You stole a vehicle and ran over three houses, a hot tub and seventeen sheep, I'm taking you to jail.
Shh, maybe if we're quiet he'll think that we escaped and there's no one here.
You're in a steamroller, I can see both of you!
Crap, he's not going away. Do you think we should try the Jedi mind trick on him?

 

by Fry_cook_boy
10-19-06
On October 16th in Florida a sleeping man's gold teeth were stolen out of his mouth.
The man believes that one of his friends is responsible.
...Thank God I'm a cartoon and I only have to deal with robots and the occasional zombie. I don't think I could handle the pressure of finding someone’s stolen teeth.

 

by Fry_cook_boy
10-19-06
Back to our story already in progress...
I have no idea what a droid is, would you please step out of the vehicle?
Dang it, the Jedi mind trick didn't work, now what?
I'm warning you for the last time. Step out of your vehicle!
Maybe if we give him a donut he'll go away.
I'm diabetic and I can't have donuts, now would you quit wating time and step out of the vehicle?
Damn you diabetes! You've ruined our last hope!

 

by Fry_cook_boy
10-19-06
The standoff continues...
He doesn't like donuts, maybe we should give ourselves up.
...
No, I'm telling you, he has to fall for the Jedi mind trick or donuts, he's a cop!
That's it, I'm going to get my rocket launcher.
!

 

by Fry_cook_boy
10-20-06
Ok ok, we're coming out now! Don't get your rocket launcher!
Where's your friend?
He's right here, in my hand.
That's not your friend, that's your arm. How did you think that would fool me?
He's not buying it!

 

by Fry_cook_boy
10-20-06
Are you going to give up now?
Yeah, you're a hard man to trick.
Well did you really think that you could give me a donut and I'd leave?
Well maybe not...
...
But I thought for sure that you'd fall for the Jedi mind trick.

 

by Fry_cook_boy
10-20-06
Bill Johnson, Zombie Physician
Are you're sure that it's completely safe?
Oh sure. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be right back.
Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay. My oh my... What the heck?
See? Nothing easier!

 

by Fry_cook_boy
10-23-06
Bill Johnson, Pirate Physician
Arr, I seem to have a steering wheel stuck in me pants. Can ye help me doc?
I'd love to help, is the steering wheel bothering you?
Aye, it be the cause of some discomfort.
Making you a little crazy perhaps? Eh? *nudge* *nudge*
Aye... ...why d' ye be givin' me that unfriendly stare doc?
You're ruining the joke!

 

by Fry_cook_boy
10-23-06
Dude, you know what I really hate? I hate those drug flashbacks man. I used to crush up Altoids and snort them. Those things stay in your system forever man!
...
Now whenever I pop my back or experience any kind of trauma I get suddenly minty-fresh breath.
I just wanted to know where the changing rooms were.
Oh.

 

by Fry_cook_boy
10-24-06
Joe has just been assigned a new partner: Dan the paranoid ninja
Dan would you quit hiding? It's just a farm, now come on; we've got a job to do.
Fine, but my blood is upon your hands if I am caught.
You'll be fine. Now let's go check out that crime scene.
I can not go into that field.
What?
The corn hates me.

 

by Fry_cook_boy
10-25-06
The corn doesn't hate you, quit worrying and come on.
But what if it attacks me?
You have a sword, how bad could it be?
It might overwhelm me.
...
Seriously. Corn is bloodthirsty.

 

by Fry_cook_boy
10-25-06
Why are you so afraid of corn?
My family was killed by rampaging corn when I was but a child.
What?
Family dead, corn to blame. What's so hard to understand?
Um...
Look, I saw it ok?

 

by Fry_cook_boy
10-25-06
So let me get this straight, you saw your family killed by corn?
Exactly.
And-
Let me explain.
To be continued...
Ok.
It all started when I was 12 years old...

 

by Fry_cook_boy
10-25-06
Dan's story continues...
It was just after I had failed my clan's first manhood initiation.
I wouldn't have failed except that the katana was filthy.
I mean how did they expect me to slaughter anyone with that nasty thing?

 

by Fry_cook_boy
10-25-06
The explanation continues...
Needless to say, my father was furious, so was my mother. Actually I've never seen them so upset.
What does this have to do with corn?
I'm getting there; I'm just giving you the backstory so that you can understand the depth of the emotional trauma involved.
The depth of your corn-related emotional trauma.
Exactly.

 

by Fry_cook_boy
10-30-06
Good evening sir.
Hello. ...So?
So what? I'm not sure that I know what you mean.
I'm waiting to hear the punchline.
Excuse me?
Oh, I though this was a joke.

 

by Fry_cook_boy
10-30-06
They lectured you?
Anyway, my parents gave me the punishment you would expect for such a failure.---- No of course not, they bound me in chains and threw me into our well.
Wait, your parents tied you up and threw you into a well?!
Of course, it was their custom to do so whenever I failed.
...
What? You look at me as if you were never disciplined when you were a child.

 

by Fry_cook_boy
10-30-06
After I escaped my bonds and swam to the surface I heard my parents talking.
What were they talking about?
They were saying that they were tired of taking care of a useless, OCD, paranoid ninja and didn't want to deal with it anymore...
Ouch.
Yeah. All things considered it had already been a pretty tough day for me, but the worst was yet to come.

 

Ok, it's in now.
When I said I wanted to nail you this wasn't what I meant.
by Fry_cook_boy, 10-30-06

 

Hmm, I don't think that this is what I meant.
But you're the one that said we should get hammered.
by Fry_cook_boy, 10-30-06

 

How is it even possible to run up a three thousand dollar doctor bill for a normal checkup?
Hey, they had some mighty fine tongue depressors.
by Fry_cook_boy, 10-30-06

 

Dance. Go dance dance dance.
Dance like there's no tomorrow.
Dance, dance dance dance. Dance!
by Fry_cook_boy, 10-31-06

 

by Fry_cook_boy
11-02-06
When I got out of the well my parents locked me in my room and began packing for a ninja conference they were going to.
Wait, a ninja conference?
Yes, of course.
I didn't know that ninjas had conferences.
Yes, they are just like dentist conferences only with more pain and slightly more blood.

 

by Fry_cook_boy
11-07-06
I knew that I would not be allowed out until my parents returned so I decided to busy myself checking my sheets for dust mites.
It was then that a recieved a visit.
...from my brother.
Dan.
Kazuko...

 

by Fry_cook_boy
11-08-06
I have heard that you have disappointed our esteemed parents.
But the katana was dirty!
Ah yes, your phobias, I had forgotten.
How did you ever make it through ninja school?

 

by Fry_cook_boy
11-10-06
Dr. Polowski, how do you respond to the accusations that you have killed several people and hidden them beneath your backyard?
It's ridiculous Terry, and frankly it's terrible that anyone could even think such a thing.
And what of the bizarre claim that you've buried the bodies in a giant grid?
That's preposterous; it makes it sound as if I'm playing some kind of sick and twisted game. Now if you'll excuse me I have work to do.
Well, they've gone now. Your little "media leak" has failed. Let's go back to digging up B-3 shall we?
Damn it, that's where my battleship is!

 

by Fry_cook_boy
12-08-06
I made it through ninja school just fine, no thanks to the way you constantly told the teacher to put me in the girls classes.
Ah yes, I had forgotten. But enough of this, I have come for a reason.
Why? So you can put notes on my back that say "run me through with a rusty spoon," just like when we were in our third year of training?
Or so you can duct tape me to the Many Bladed Sword of Fire like you did in our fifth year?
In hindsight I suppose that I have not been the best brother... I do not blame you for being angry but I have come to help this time.

 

by Fry_cook_boy
12-08-06
Oh, you're a great brother, remember the time with the roaches?
Enough! I do not wish to hear of these things anymore, you must hear me out! I am here to help you escape.
...Why would I want to escape?
You've just been locked in a room with booby trapped exits and will not be let out until our parents return from a two week conference!
But I like my room.
You have no food you fool!

 

by Fry_cook_boy
12-22-06
I will not starve. I have pretzels hidden under the bed.
Ok, I hate to interupt, but this story is going nowhere. We need to check out this crime scene before it gets dark.
You can tell me how your brother gave you a wedgie some other time.
It wasn't a wedgie.
Whatever, let's just get this done.
Fine, but if you are eaten by the corn just remember that I warned you.

 

by Fry_cook_boy
12-22-06
What a fruitcake.
I should have brought my ninja stars, but no... Wait, did that corn just move?
Meanwhile...
Remind me again why we're here instead of on Laftrium 4 with the hot alien babes?
We created a time disturbance in this region when we were fighting the Bixnar.
Time disturbance? Who cares! There were babes Spock, babes!
They were cross-dressers you moron.

 

by Fry_cook_boy
12-22-06
Fine, if you won't take us back to the alien babes then I'll just have to go find my own entertainement.
That's fine with me.
Computer, beam me to the nearest bar.
Ha! I'll have hot alien babes yet!
He's going to be upset when he realizes that I reprogrammed the teleporters to drop him in Amish country.

 

by Fry_cook_boy
12-22-06
Ah yes, hot alien babes at last!
...
Damn it Spock!

 

by Fry_cook_boy
12-22-06
Good evening Captain.
Spock I thought I told you, no more messing with the teleporters!
(psst psst psst)
Argh! Damn it Spock!
Enjoy your evening with the Amish sir.

 

by Fry_cook_boy
1-19-07
It seems that he has landed almost precisely at the center of the time disturbance.
Good work Spock #2
Oh great, not another one.
See? Strange apparitions! Truly this corn is a masterful opponent.

 

by Fry_cook_boy
1-19-07
Who are you and what are you doing here?
Good afternoon my good Amish man. I will gladly give you a fine handmade quilt if you show me to the hot babes.
Amish? Is this another devilish trick of the corn?

 

by Fry_cook_boy
1-23-07
A quilt?
How about you? A fine piece of hardwood furniture or a new set of black pajamas?
Are these babes you speak of in league with the devil corn?

 

by Fry_cook_boy
1-31-07
Sir, please help me my first officer won't beam me back to the ship and...
Wait, devil corn?
Yes, it ate my parents when I was young.
...I think that your friend in the black pajamas may be insane. Is he... safe?

 

by Fry_cook_boy
2-16-07
I assure you, I am quite sane.
Then... this planet is populated with carnivorous demon corn?
Yes.
Good lord! I need to get back to the ship!
Sir, I will give you as many fine handmade quilts as you can carry if you just convince my first officer to beam me back up!
I could quit, I don't really need a pension. Maybe they're hiring at the 7-11...

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