All comics by JamesSchlong

Profile

 

by JamesSchlong
5-24-04
Well hello there, sexy lady. Can I take something off your chest?
Oh, you saucy boy. Who are you?
My name is Schlong. James Schlong. I have a license to fill...
Insert porno music here.
...your hole.
Ohhhhhhh James!

 

by JamesSchlong
5-24-04
Aren't you glad I saved you from the clutches of the KGB, my little Soviet sexpot.
Da, Mr. Schlong. I just wish there was something to do on this train.
Oh, there is something to do...
Insert porno music here.
...or should I say "someone."
Ohhhhhhhh James!

 

by JamesSchlong
5-24-04
So I finally have you cornered, Stinkfinger.
Did you think you could capture Oral Stinkfinger this easily, Mr. Schlong?
Blast! I'm surrounded by your strangely erotic female guards!
They will keep you occupied while I escape.
Insert porno music here.
Do you expect me to talk?
No Mr. Schlong, I expect you to muff-dive!

 

by JamesSchlong
5-27-04
Hello, Miss Moneypenny.
Hello James, back so soon?
Yes, I brought you a present. It's in my pants.
Oh, you naughty thing.
Insert porno music here.
That's right. Suck it good.
*muffled* Ohhhhhhh James!

 

by JamesSchlong
5-18-05

 

by JamesSchlong
6-24-05
Man, I had a great time last night.
What did you do?
I saw a ragtime concert!
Tori Amos?

 

by JamesSchlong
6-24-05
Let me ask you a hypothetical question.
Shoot.
Would you fuck Catriona?
C'mon, man, she's my friend!
Say you were really, really drunk.
I guess I'd put a bag over her head and fuck her for good old Uncle Sam.

 

by JamesSchlong
6-24-05
Honey, I'm going to the store.
Is there anything you want?
Some cough drops and oatmeal!
I need some Halls and Oats.

 

by JamesSchlong
6-28-05
Today, on This Old House, we're going to take this loose, rattly windowpane and make it nice and tight again.
First, you take this tube of white stuff and prime it by gently rubbing your hand up and down the shaft of the bottle... not too quickly, we don't want it to explode!
Oh... I'm drunk on caulk!

 

by JamesSchlong
10-30-05
Hi, I'm bltsandwich. It takes a lot of energy to be this much of a cunt.
I need a cereal high in iron, vitamins, and retardation. Like CUNTOS! CUNTOS has all of this and more!
CUNTOS is part of an unbalanced breakfast.
That's why it's CUNTOS for my breakfast!

 

by JamesSchlong
10-31-05
*Ring ring*
Hello?
What are you wearing? *Heavy breathing*
Who is this?
Charlie Pride's penis.
NNOOOOOOOOOO!

 

by JamesSchlong
10-31-05
Thank you for calling us, ma'am. We've been hunting down Charlie Pride's manhood for weeks now.
How did the schlong of a famous African-American country music star become wanted by the police?
Well, Mr. Pride's pecker developed a mind of its own a few years ago after an accident involving a gherkin, lightning, and hot sauce.
Creepy.
Sure is.
Yeah.

 

by JamesSchlong
10-31-05
Next time the penis calls, keep it on the line so we can trace its location.
Will do.
Later.
What are you wearing?
Clothes.
*Click*
Not enough info?

 

by JamesSchlong
10-31-05
Ma'am, we've traced the calls. They're coming from inside your pants!
NO! IT CAN'T BE!
We also have reason to believe that it's not just Mr. Pride's meat, it's a miniature version of Charlie Pride himself!
Oh my God!
Inside her pants...
This is the coolest thing ever.

 

by JamesSchlong
10-31-05
Don't worry, ma'am. We've sent our best man in to take him down.
Oh, thank God.
In her pants...
Abe Vigoda? You stand no chance against the power of Charlie Pride.
That's what you think.
You beat me fair and square, Abe Vigoda.
How ya like me now, bitch!

 

by JamesSchlong
10-31-05
Gee, Uncle Dickie, I'm not sure if I want to go trick or treating at the UN.
Relax, George, it's gonna be great.
10 minutes later.
What did you get? Butterfinger? Some M&Ms? A tootsie roll?
I got Iraq.
D'oh.

 

by JamesSchlong
11-04-05
I took a cocker spaniel / fucked him in the anus
Walkin' round with his tail all up
Can't say he was blameless.

 

by JamesSchlong
6-14-06
Hey, you know your wife blew me back in 8th grade, right?
Nah. You're shittin' me.
Dude, look at this. What is this?
It's a picture. Of my wife. In the 8th grade. Blowing you.
I guess I owe you a beer.

 

by JamesSchlong
6-16-06
Welcome to Bukkake King, can I take your order?
Yeah, I've never heard of this place before. Can you suggest something from the menu?
Well, there's the Lil' Spurt, the Jizzburger, or the Total Coverage Value Meal.
Ooh, I'll take that one!
Thank you, enjoy the rest of your day.
Mmph mmmf.

 

by JamesSchlong
8-04-06
And the doctor said it would be all healed in four months and to keep sharp objects out of it so that...
BOO!
BOO!
What the fuck were those?
Oh, just a large pair of boo bees.

 

by JamesSchlong
9-23-06
It's near election time and none of my proposed bills have come up for vote! What's the holdup?
They're stuck in committee, sir.
My port security bill?
Held up in Homeland Security Committee.
My "Let's Celebrate Debra Messing" bill?
Held up in the Itty Bitty Titty Committee.

 

by JamesSchlong
11-02-06
Brenda, I was just licking a unicorn's balls.
Oh my God, Janine, how was it?
Pretty sour.
I think he might have farted too.
Wanna see my lower back tattoo?

 

by JamesSchlong
12-05-06
So I says, "Well, them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves!"
Ha, ha!
That rotor turbine's a nigger!

 

by JamesSchlong
2-01-07
Jenessa, I'm totally crazy about you. You're all I think about. Will you be my girlfriend?
Ewww, no.
I know we've been friends for years, but I have to admit that I have feelings for you and would like to be more than friends.
I don't think we can be friends anymore.
I let a total stranger feel me up last night!
I sucked a trucker's dick!

 

by JamesSchlong
2-26-07
But all the boys really love Abby.
I don't. She's a bleached-blonde, overly tanned Barbie doll who probably has a navel ring and a "kewl" tribal lower back tattoo...
...and probably loves being fucked from behind by strangers in backwards baseball caps she meets in trendy bars.
You know she's my friend, right?
Another thing I don't understand.

 

by JamesSchlong
3-06-07
Oh my God, I can't believe you're folding the dish towels like that. That's not the way my mother taught me to do them!
And make the baby a bottle and take out the garbage and clean the floor and...
Okay, that's it. Try this product.
Quiet On. Apply directly to your wife!

 

by JamesSchlong
5-10-07
Hi there...
Get lost.
I was wondering...
No way, creep.
I'd like to orgasm in your mouth!
Okay!

 

by JamesSchlong
4-18-08
Another woman has been haunting my dreams lately.
I don't know if that means that I want her or that I don't want what I have.
Or both.
I only asked if this was the bus stop.

 

by JamesSchlong
4-18-08
I'm totally in love with this short Jewish girl at work.
Like head over heels in love.
But we don't have much in common, plus I'm married... so I don't know how it would work.
What part of "give me all your money, asshole" are you not comprehending?

 

by JamesSchlong
5-27-08
So unless you want me to leave and take the kids with me, you'd better get your act together!
Well?
What, you're still here?

 

by JamesSchlong
6-02-08
They say a man should always dress for the job he wants / so why am I dressed up like a pimp here in this restaurant...
It's all because of some cracker.

 

by JamesSchlong
3-30-09
OMG! Oompa Loompa teabag party of anal proportions!
I didn't understand a word of that, but I like the cut of your jibb.

 

Wow, when she said there was a goat on some stool in the men's room, I pictured something completely different.
by JamesSchlong, 3-30-09

 

by JamesSchlong
5-02-09
Excuse me, are you the "Octomom," Nadya Suleman?
Yes, I am.
Ten minutes later.
You raped me in the ass!
Well, let that be a lesson to you.
A lesson? What lesson?
That I'm an ass rapist. Duh.

 

by JamesSchlong
10-24-10
And now it's the time at the annual Black Halloween Party when we give out our awards.
First prize for the scariest costume goes to Tyrone, who came dressed as a job.
And, of course, funniest costume goes to D'Andre, who came as a black man who actually gives a fuck.

 

by JamesSchlong
7-23-15
Why are we here again?
Fucked if I know.

 

by JamesSchlong
8-27-15
SUCKY SUCKY FIE DOLLAH!
TREE DOLLAH WITH GROUPON!

 

by JamesSchlong
10-06-15
I... I just fucked a wabbit.

 
by JamesSchlong, 10-06-15

 

by JamesSchlong
10-06-15
Bitch, you are SMOKIN'.

 

by JamesSchlong
10-06-15
When I asked for Santa's #2 in my bathroom, I never expected this! MERRY CHRISTMAS!

 

by JamesSchlong
11-04-15
You're not into Minecraft? What a loser.
Aww.
Two days later
Hey, I'm totally into it now. Kill the Jews, kill the Jews!
What the hell does that have to do with Minecraft?
Mine CRAFT? Oh, shit.

 

by JamesSchlong
11-17-15
One day, while reading a music site, Fred discovered a previously unknown genre.
Jew Wave:
Mixes bright synthesizers and jerky rhythms with the traditional sound of Klezmer.
Representative Band: A Flock of Siegels.

 

by JamesSchlong
11-22-15
I see you shiver with consti...
four days later
...pation.

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