All comics by King_Duckford

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by King_Duckford
2-06-07
You know, I piss all over my hands before I serve food, because I hate the customers.
Actually, you're doing them a big favor.
How so?
New studies have concluded that drinking urine is actually quite healthy, providing nutrients that would be wasted.
I'm going to go drink a big gallon of urine right now.
Wow, some people are really fucking stupid.

 

by King_Duckford
2-06-07
You know, I've been having problems with having my students listen to me.
Really? Well, when my students didn't listen, I'd shove a hose up their ass and turn on the water.
Did they learn anything?
They died.

 

by King_Duckford
2-06-07
Holy shit, you can actually have titles up here.
You know, I make a living teaching young boys how to swim at the YMCA.
I'm going to abuse it like grey text.
Boy, you spend so much time staring at naked guys in the public shower, you can't get much taught.
RRRRROOOOOFFFFLLLEES
You got that right. (TOTAL FAG)

 

by King_Duckford
2-06-07
So then I told my doctor I thought he was a quack, and he coudln't tell the difference between his ass and a whole in the ground.
Then he said his hand was in MY ass, and I was dying of tertiary pnemonia due to AIDS.
I'll give you a second opinion, oh wait, GHALLGLGL

 

by King_Duckford
2-06-07
Holy shit. There was, like, two Jelleberg Review #3's! And now it's #5!
Man, is time itself shifting, is the universe coming apart? Why would this happen?
Or did I just pass out and miss the last comic after that big gay cocaine party. (much dicklicking)
I hope you die.

 

by King_Duckford
2-06-07
So there I was, on my computer, sitting next to a big barrel of used motor oil.
Then, out of nowhere, a big porn ad suddenly popped on screen.
I think this conversation has gone on long enough.
Wait, I haven't gotten to the part where I masturbate yet.

 

by King_Duckford
2-10-07
Classic stock clerk politics.
So then, Mary up in the front counter asks me to bring up some brown paper bags up to the front.
Then I tell her, I think she's an old bag.
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!
I'm fired, aren't I.
Get the fuck out.

 

by King_Duckford
2-13-07
Now we're cooking with gas.
Alright ladies and gentlemen, thank you for attending the Learning Annex's Cooking Course. Does anyone know what a batter bowl is used for?
No, Henry, its not used to batter your wife.
Henry, if you keep referencing your home life, I swear to God I'm gonna fucking kill you.

 

by King_Duckford
2-13-07
You know, this conference explaining NAMBLA and Butterfly Kiss's views on pro-pedophilia has been enlightening, Dr. Dyke.
I've got a brand new handle on my view of "child lovers" and how society should treat them.
I'm glad you learned out point of view. How should society treat pedophiles?
By dousing them in gasoline and setting them ablaze to burn in public.

 

by King_Duckford
2-15-07
In our teaching practice, we use the "Hansen-Wheel" process to help adjust young homosexuals and emo's into an intergrated setting.
Wow, I use the "Lincoln-Bumper" method.
How does that work?
I smash the shit out them with the front end of my Towncar.

 

by King_Duckford
3-09-07
Those damn filthy hippies.
Hey man, fuck the major corporations. They have made slaves of society, and given us nothing, man.
Well thanks. Your efforts have finally abolished all major capitalist businesses. Consequently, your out of jobs, and the economy is in ruins.
Don't worry, we'll just form communes and live fine. Oh wait,that didn't work when we tried it int he 60's either. (Must commit suicide, avoid starvation)

 

by King_Duckford
1-09-08
I have some terrible news , mam.
He's been hit by a car, in a terrible accident.
Oh no, where is he?
In the grill of my Buick.

 

by King_Duckford
1-09-08
We need to ban the abilty to speak to gay African Americans....
Oh nigga, be jealous of my crib with pink Venitian blinds, and my GORGOUS chic flower arrangements!!!
...feminists...
Do you know what you call independent, single minded career minded women?
Useless?
...those fucking hippies.
Man, the world would be perfect without coporations, then we could all get high and just sit around all day. Hey, why am I in this basement, and whats with the machete?
Your just tripping man, your crazy.

 

by King_Duckford
1-10-08
Reactive paranoia
Hey, how's it going?
Oh no, he's only saying hi to pretend he's friendly, so he can gain my confidence and kill me!
Proactive paranoia
OH shit, she didn't say anything to me, which proves she hates me and wants to kill me!!!!
Actual real life dangers
Hey, how's it going?
I'm gonna fucking kill you with this machete

 

by King_Duckford
1-13-08
Hey! Don't you guys remember me? I'm Davy Jones from the band, the Monkeys!
"Hey hey, we're the Monkeys, people say we fuck around"
No seriously, lend me 5 dollars, I gotta eat to you know.

 

by King_Duckford
1-13-08
One time I actually traveled in time in a time machine and saw many things.
But when I was done, I was raped by a bunch of hot gay guys.
Wait, it wasn't a time machine at all, it was a gay bar in SantaCruz.
Why the fuck are you talking to me?

 

by King_Duckford
4-04-08
Honey, after spending the weekend withour wonderful daughter, I think I should finally marry you, and make us a family.
Oh my, I'm so happy you called to tell me! We'll be so happy!
Ha, April Fools! Actually, I'm filling up the garage with Carbon Monoxide to kill us before you can call the cops.

 

by King_Duckford
4-04-08
The police investigation.
This is a terrible scene. Apparant murder-suicide.
Man killed himself and his daughter.
He had the gaul to call his girlfriend to joke it as April Fools Day prank.
What a disgusting son-of-a-bitch.
To bad he did this on April 4th.
I guess the real joke's on him.

 

by King_Duckford
5-04-08
Hello? Yes, I'm calling about the hooker you sold me. She won't do anal, so I think its a defective product.
Push the throat clutch in till it does what I want? Makes sense.
I wish these came with an owners manual. Good thing they are disposable. Hold on the cops are here, why does this happen every time I get an erection.

 

by King_Duckford
8-12-08
Yes officer, I do own a DB9 Aston Marton. I don't see what the big deal is.
I told you before officer, those hookers were dead BEFORE I put them in the trunk. I don't see where this case case something to do with me.

 

by King_Duckford
1-03-09
I heard you had a recent opening for the position of Assraper.
Why yes, my good man, we do, sit down.
Thanks, I always wanted to get into the assraping field.
That's good, you'll be spending most of your time raping people in the ass. Do you have any questions?
Do I have to use lube?
I like your enthusiasm.

 

by King_Duckford
1-08-09
OH BOY ITS 2009
Recession is looking kinda bleek here.
Hey, can you give me some cash?
Here you go, here's $50.
Thank you, now I'll give you $45. See, I just bailed you out!
That's pretty redundent.
Yeah, the federal government does it all the time.

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