All comics by Laga

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by Laga
5-22-07
I'm sorry but I would really consider "honeybuttocks" grounds for a divorce.
As would any judge or jury.
Are you kidding? You could consider it a reasonable defense for murder.
Which is why I wear Kevlar Brand Body Armor (tm) while I lounge around the house. Kevlar...for when you can't keep your fat mouth shut!

 

by Laga
5-22-07
Cindy, now you have me all sniffy. I'll never hear that song again without seeing your dance.
Trudy, when you're picturing it, please remember all my flaws.
My cheekbones are just a little too high, my waist is just a little too small, and my breasts may be too pert!
And when my brilliant green/blue eyes flash in anger, they still manage to convey the hidden depths of my sorrow and vulnerabilty masked in strength.

 

by Laga
5-22-07
Stupidest problem ever: I lost a cherry tomato under the stove. Not sure how to get it out. Oops.
really long chopsticks? wire hanger with the body stretched out way long?
I'm sure Joan Crawford would be happy to hear they are good for something.

 

by Laga
5-22-07
Nick Cave, sucking like a Minnesota hooker.
If the album's as bad as Jen claims, you do realise the Minnesota Hookers Association will take umbrage at that remark?
They charge extra for taking it up the umbrage.

 

by Laga
5-22-07
There's a car full o' Kristian Krap that parks in the same lot as me at work
and one of this person's bumper stickers says "I know the ending - GOD WINS"
And every day, I'm like, dude, whitefont!

 

by Laga
5-22-07
Also we achieved world peace, but then we thought better of it and talked about pedicures for a while.
I am a bit sad about the whole world peace thing, but I've never had a pedicure so maybe I just don't know how that compares.

 

Fay,you know "shag" is a carpet here, right? Also a dance from the 60s, and (Hi, Hec) a haircut.
I'm still waiting to discover that in America, 'Bugger me sideways with a fish fork' is a brand of moccasin or something.
by Laga, 5-22-07

 

by Laga
5-22-07
Oh good lord. On TV tonight: 101 Things Removed from the Human Body 09:00 PM - FOX
Does that include pride?
Not in the summer, silly Teppy. That goes just before the Fall.

 

by Laga
5-22-07
Frankly, the premise of "Ziggy Stardust helps Wolverine kick Batman's ass using THE AWESOME POWER OF ELECTRICITY" was never really going to live up to the version in my head.

 

Never use more than two adjectives to describe a body part. Unless, of course, it's papery, vibrating, and bright green.
by Laga, 5-22-07

 

My spell check just caused me send an e-mail to one of the brokers in our office that says, "I hope this was the orgy chart you were looking for."
by Laga, 5-22-07

 

by Laga
5-22-07
See, I sometimes think of worst case scenarios in order to ward them off.
So if I was afraid of flying, say, I'd picture the plane crashing. Which it then won't, because that would mean I was psychic, which I'm not.
All better.

 

I think we should all celebrate and exemplify the passive worker.
I would prefer not to.
by Laga, 5-22-07

 

Legally Blonde 2 is not worthy of the thespian talents of Demi Moore. Who isn't in it, but still.
by Laga, 5-22-07

 

Now I must put on socks and make drinks.
I made drinks once without putting my socks on first. Whoo-boy, not doing that again.
by Laga, 5-22-07

 

I've given up sex for Lent. Of course, it wasn't on purpose.
Hey man, doesn't count. I mean, I've given up accepting gold doubloons offered to me by alien zombie pirates.
by Laga, 5-22-07

 

by Laga
5-23-07
I just got spam. It was entirely in Italian.
I'm now concerned that I'm on a Sicilian Mafia mail-list and I'm starting to think I'd better not hit "unsubscribe".
Much of my spam arrives in a language with which I am unfamiliar, which seems to have roughly eleven different expressions for 'barely legal'
but none for 'please remove me from your mailing list'.

 

by Laga
5-23-07
I personally have known men who you could lie down in front of, stark naked, legs spread, with a big neon sign pointing at your cooter flashing ENTER HERE. YOU. YES, YOU [your name here].
I CRAVE YOU SO MIGHTILY THAT THE VERY HEAVENS ABOVE AND THE NETHERWORLDS BELOW RING WITH THE ECHOS OF MY DESIRE, DESIRE THAT CAN ONLY BE QUENCHED BY YOU, [your name here]
Yeah, I think she's kind of cute and all, and I really like talking to her, but I just fear rejection, you know?

 

by Laga
5-23-07
I don't think I could do a marathon because there's not enough variety.
I'm short-attention-spanned like that. Just being alone with my exertion for 26 miles?
I'd start punching the other runners just for something to do.

 

by Laga
5-23-07
You guys, death isn't Mad Dog 20/20 to just whip out for a thrill.
Death's a fine wine, dark and red and bitter and intoxicating. It's Valhrona, not Hershey's, Titian, not Kincaid.
Sheesh.

 

by Laga
5-23-07
To me an ocean is a lot like in the inside of an animal
yeah, full of cool stuff, and interesting to put your hands in
but there are limits.

 

by Laga
5-23-07
Who'd win in a fight: Artemis or Athena?
What's the venue?
If it's Jello, then the answer to the question is "Who cares? Just make sure someone remembers to set up the VCR."

 

by Laga
5-23-07
I'm rather surprised there aren't more people from Michigan winning Darwin Awards.
They probably would, but they just. Won't. Die.

 

by Laga
5-23-07
I'm discovering that falling in love with a TV show with low ratings is like romancing a compulsive parachutist.
Every day might be the day that something went wrong and your beloved became a hairy pancake on the tarmac.

 

by Laga
5-23-07
OK, I respect the cervix
props to the cervix, word, yo... but
couldn't it have a little flap or maybe a condenser of some sort?

 

by Laga
5-23-07
I still sing the Mna Mna song.
Which, I'm sure you know, was written originally for a Swedish porn movie.
I didn't know, but I approve. Although I do not approve of humming that song during sex. Wrong rhythm.
Damn. Apparently I've been doing it wrong.

 

by Laga
5-23-07
Seriously: you're in the desert for three days?
Nothing else going on?
Name the stinkin' horse.

 

by Laga
5-23-07
That's what's always amused me about clothes with slogans like "In case of rapture, this t-shirt will be empty" or something.
And I'm thinking, "Really? They're all going to be nekkid on the way up?" 'Cause you know, a lot of them are going to be pretty good-looking
and that's going to be more flesh than most of them are probably used to seeing. I'm expecting more than a little lusting going on during the trip
with the prospect that some invitations could be revoked rather suddenly, with unfortunate consequences.
So, y'know, Falwell may call it the Rapture, but to me it'll always be "The Rain of Naked Christians".

 

by Laga
5-23-07
When the revolution comes, I don't want to be shot.
Fair enough. I can relate. I don't want you shot either.
Good. Because I was thinking of standing behind you.

 

by Laga
5-23-07
I have 4 rooms and a nomadic roach population.
Do they use ants to move their stuff from room to room?
I strongly suspect so.
I think our ants use the dog. They tempt him with treats.

 

by Laga
5-23-07
Mmm. Doughnuts.
I could totally go for a doughnut.
Or the still-beating heart of my idiot coworker.

 

I just like to say "Peter Principle."
Be careful -- I hear if you say it five times quickly looking in the mirror Peter will appear and promote you to a job you suck at.
by Laga, 5-23-07

 

by Laga
5-23-07
Mmmmm, hot sweaty men with swords....
See, that's what I keep saying, only some people seem to think elves are better.
Mmmmmm, hot sweaty men with elves....

 

by Laga
5-24-07
Wait. Crap. What was the argument?
The right word to hate God with.
Is it misotheist?
Nope -- that's the term for "God's hot Japanese soup."

 

by Laga
5-26-07
I've been asked (about my hair) "But what would I hold onto in bed?"
"Your dick, asshole. It's not like I'm going to be there with you."

 

by Laga
5-26-07
I heard Neil LaBute was raised in a fundie mormon culture & this remake of Wicker Man is actually a thinly veiled critique of fundamentalism in general and mormonism in particular.
Unfortunatley I haven't seen it.
Eh...I don't see it. Unless he thinks celebrating blatant raging misogyny is somehow a valid critique of fundamentalist Mormonism, in which case all of his movies count.
He's really sticking it to The Man, if by "The Man" you mean "women."

 

by Laga
5-26-07
the baby can't communicate to you what it wants, and even then what they want may be, "My whole life depends on me teething on those serrated steak knives! Nothing else will make me happy!"
or, "I am rather blue today, plus my butt itches. Woe! Just pick me the fuck up already! You don't need to wipe your ass! Why must you torture me so?!"
or, "I'm soooooo fucking bored. Christ. Where's that thing that was so amusing yesterday? You know. The thing. With the colors. You know what I mean! Just get it, okay?! Fuck you!"

 

by Laga
5-26-07
So, today I think I spent about $250 on various things.
But $200 of that was at the outlet mall.
So really that's like saving money, right? Since it would've cost like, $500 in the real stores?
Yep. That's exactly how outlet prices work. Trust me, I'm a mathematician.

 

by Laga
5-26-07
The dangers of time travel are overrated. I mean I'm careful when traveling to the past, but the world doesn't end if you step on somebody's foot or something.
Just yesterday, I took a trip to a few years back in Florida and accidently bumped down a guy carrying a bunch of punch cards, and hey, no big effect.
Anyhow, what's up with all the Iraq news and has President Gore had a press conference about it yet?

 

by Laga
5-26-07
When I say "roof," it rhymes with "hoof"
except when the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire.
Then I say, let the mother fucker burn.

 

by Laga
5-27-07
Mean is the meanest of averages.
It's the average you get when you add up all the averages and divide them by themselves. "Mode" is French and means "the most fashionable number".
"Median" means "strip of grass in the middle of the road" so you just pick the most boring number.

 

by Laga
5-27-07
And I seem to have cemented my reputation at work as an eccentric, so now I can do whatever the hell I want and no one says boo!
Did you know tomorrow is bathrobe day?
I'm betting they don't either!

 

by Laga
5-27-07
My cat doesn't like tuna. You know, I'm having some doubts as to this even being a cat. I'm starting to think "alien observer".
could just be worried about mercury levels.
Is it dolphin-free? Maybe he misses the piquant hint of dolphin.
Years ago I read an article on the cat food industry industrial complex. Do you know what food cats prefer above all others? Cooked salmon.
Which is kinda weird, as before cats started hanging with us humans there probably wasn't much cooked salmon to be found, but there ya' go....
But now there is ... suspicious, isn't it? I can hear the discussions now ("Fuck -- they've had fire forever! What's taking them so long?" "WHAT'S WITH THE COD??? DID I TELL YOU TO COOK COD???")

 

by Laga
5-28-07
In the girls' bathroom at school, there are the usual scrawled messages on the stall walls.
"Your a f*cking c*nt bitch" is on one of the doors in dark marker that shows through coats of paint.
As a teacher, I should be offended by this profanity. Instead I fight the urge to bring a sharpie in and correct the "your". This may be an indication that I have issues.

 

by Laga
5-30-07
The civilized way to shuck a clam is to enter into a psychic duel with the tawny mollusk on the seventh plain of dremes.
You must confront the clam with his greatest terror and while it gazes into the abyss of its own slimy mortality
hit it with a hammer while giggling.

 

by Laga
6-01-07
The boy I loved at camp, Jon Barton, wore Polo.
I bought a teddy bear and a small bottle of Polo. I named the bear "Jon Barton." I doused it frequently and slept with it every night.
Years later in a make or break Pictionary round my sister drew a bear being sprayed with a bottle of cologne and we won when I yelled "POLO!!!!!"

 

by Laga
6-02-07
If tequila won't fix it, it's really really broken.
Tequila and duct tape are universal fixers of many things.
Never use them together!

 

I just realized that the monkey did not have a French accent. What's up with that? All monkeys are French. It's canon.
You have no idea how hard the monkey worked to lose his accent, kat. I didn't have the heart.
by Laga, 6-02-07

 

by Laga
6-08-07
Isaiah Washington has entered a treatment facility.
A "treatment facility"? WTF?
Well, when you have surgery to remove your foot from your mouth, and your head from your ass all at the same time, rehab is generally a good call.

 

You know that "dance like nobody's watching" thing? I can't do it.
I can! Of course, then everyone starts trying to keep me from swallowing my tongue. I have fun anyway.
by Laga, 6-08-07

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