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| Welcome to the 6 AM News. This just in: a young man was found bloodied and bruised in the streets last night. We'll now take you live to our reporter who's found an interview subject.. | |
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| According to the victim, a man named Jagger, he was assaulted by a giant squirrel in a diaper. The police are now on the lookout for anyone who fits the description. Was it you? | |
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| Do I look like I'm wearing a diaper, fuckhead? Did you misplace your glasses up your ass? | |
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| Wow, what a foul-mouthed little creature. I guess that's what happens sometimes when you do live television. | |
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| In other news: I'm not wearing any pants. I also need a haircut. | |
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