All comics by Totalbiscuit

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by Totalbiscuit
12-04-01
Boris is confronted by the rare sight of a supposed l337 hacker outside, in.. real life!
ffs, you go for a quite stroll through a canyon and you end up confronting some dumbarse tentacle
ph33r m3h 4 1 @m l337!!
Boris, unphased by the tentacles ridiculous twaddle plans to destroy the tentacle
You do realise of course that this is real life and you have the fighting skills of a dead gerbil..
1 @m @n l337 |-|/\
Boris uses his powers to destroy the l337 tentacle and rids the world of one more dumbarsed mini-fascist, HURRAH!
Well I did warn you, stupid dumbarse mini-fascist
1 /\|\/| l337!!!!!!

 

by Totalbiscuit
12-04-01
Boris was looking at a frighteningly realistic painting of a battlefield when...
This picture is great, really colourful and realistic!
Pfft, are you insane? Look at it! Where's the feeling? The idiology behind this picture is all wrong!
Boris is irritated by the completely irrelevant slagging off of a pretty decent picture
Wha? What's that got to do with the picture? The picture looks good!
Looks good? You don't understand art you fool! This picture is pathetic, where's the love??
Irritated by the art critics pointless remarks, Boris does the sane thing and...
Who gives a flying feck about the love, it's a good picture, now be a good art critic and explode!!!
The numbers, the numbers are all wrong!!!!!

 

by Totalbiscuit
12-04-01
Boris is taking a stroll in the country when he comes across a sad looking bloke with a knife
What's wrong with you?
Aww, my life sucks, I'm gonna kill myself, I can't take it anymore
Boris decides to talk some sense into him..
That's a bit of cop out. Think of what you're gonna do to your family and friends, they'll be really upset
I don't give a sh*t about them, it's my life, mine mine mine and I'm gonna kill myself!
Boris takes matters into his own hands and sensibly smites the cretin..
Bleh shuddup you ungrateful git, if you aren't gonna think about anyone else other than yourself then you get kibbilized....
You don't understand, no-one understands, everyone is evil, everything is awful!!!

 

by Totalbiscuit
12-04-01
Boris was quitely trotting the park when...
Err, hello, would you mind getting out of the way??
The insolent park bench quitely sat there ignoring Boris..
Oi! I'm talking to you. Get out of the way ffs!!!
Boris blows up the bad bench with malice!
What's the world coming to when a guy can't ask a park bench to kindly move out of the way without suffering abuse...

 

by Totalbiscuit
12-05-01
While out for a stroll, Boris encounters a mini charver!
not again...
urrrr, you're a goth you..
Boris tires quickly of the Charver's dumbarse drivel..
I'm a what??
who you talking to?? urrr.. you f*cking starting like eh? you wanna a f*cking fight..
Boris clobbers the Charver and removes one more pest from the world
well, I wasn't but... what the hell..
oooooh... I've wasted my life..

 

by Totalbiscuit
12-12-01
One day, Boris was inexplicably moving at a high speed when he sees a snowman, also moving at high speed towards him
And what are you supposed to be
I am your social superior, peasant..
There's nothing worse than an arrogant high speed snowman...
You're my what?
You have no right to speak to me. Do you know who I am??
Therefore..
Yes, you're a twat.. now SHUDDUP!
You can't do this to me, I have a large estate in Sheffield and 50 servants!!

 

by Totalbiscuit
3-17-03
Behold! MOO3 forum trolls in visual form
This game sux0rs! You're a fanboi for liking it fs
Why is he talking to me?
The UI is crap, the designers sux0r, I could make a better game fs
Why won't he go away?
If you like teh game so much why aren't you playing it right now? J00 a fanboi that sucks off the designers ROFL! fs
What did I do to deserve this?

 

by Totalbiscuit
4-24-03
One day, Lady^Poison was on her way to collect some more ingredients for her cauldron when suddenly...
Who are you?
i'M skIrk fs :/ :\ :/ !$"
Lady^Poison is somewhat confused by this..
Sorry.. you're what?
:/ :\ :/ :\ :/ fs fs FS faP fAp Fap :/ fs
Lady^Poison decides to ask the question we'd all like answering
Why does your face keep screwing up like that?
It's a rare disease called Spammingtwatinitus, it causes me to behave like a toddler despite my advancing years. Wanna see my collection of gimp outfits?

 

by Totalbiscuit
7-27-03
So as fate would have it.. Goosey and PyRo` met for the first time
Hey
Hey
I like you already
Weed?

 

by Totalbiscuit
7-27-03
Goosey is looking for love
Oh baby
17/F/Glasgow.
PyRo` has been altered due to viewer polls. He is now ginger.
ROFL, sucker.. Heh.. 18/M/Glasgow as well.. Ok.. 'I want you so bad, I'm so h0rneh'
To be continued...
OMFG, I've pulled!
I want you so bad, I'm so h0rneh.. Let's meet in the park tomorrow, 3pm

 

by Totalbiscuit
7-27-03
3pm - The Park
Hey PyRo`, didn't expect to see you here. I'm just waiting for this cute chix0r I met on the net
Oh cool, I'm waiting for some nerd I tricked into thinking I was a girl, man he'll be pissed when he finds out lol
J00 FAG! GET BACK HERE YOU F*CKING N00B!

 

by Totalbiscuit
7-27-03
Goosey says a tearful fairwell to PyRo` as he travels off to Japan to start in erotic cartoons
Well.. after careful consideration.. I've decided that my future career well be that of a Hentai Pornstar
Good choice, cya
Some time later.. in Japan
Hi, I'm here about the job
Ahh yes... Dishonourable westerner. Step this way
Act 1, Scene 2 - Super FanFan Double-Entendre Ace Change Fish 3
So I'm supposed to scream horribly when.... what sorry? OH GOOD GOD!!!!!!

 

by Totalbiscuit
7-27-03
Now Ladies and Gentleman.. please welcome.. GOOSEY AND PYRO`! *applause*
Thank you thank you! Tonight we'll be making you ROFL with our fantastic wit
That's right Goosey, we'll be amazing you with our electrifying humour
Poo
Boobs

 

by Totalbiscuit
7-28-03
This is an appeal from Oxfam
Sitting here.. hunched over his computer, is PyRo`.
He's just one of thousands of young boys who have resorted to the internet to resolve their chronic boredom
wtf!
We ask that you give just two pounds a month to help build a crane, which will lift PyRo` out of his chair and move him gently into the fresh air and warm sunlight of the outdoors

 

by Totalbiscuit
7-29-03
PyRo` is waiting outside Goosey's house when...
Replace me will he...
Weed
wtf! Get the *bang* away from *thump* ARRGHH, my skinny weak body!
What will the dastardly blonde version of PyRo` do next? Find out in the next episode

 

by Totalbiscuit
7-30-03
The imposter PyRo`enters the domain of the goober
Hey Goose
Ermm.. hang on a minute.. You're PyRo` Mk 1 from the pilot that no-one liked!
Weed?
I like you already

 

by Totalbiscuit
7-30-03
This is an announcement on behalf of the Producers of the Goosey and PyRo` Show
Ladies and gentleman. I would like to apologize for the previous episode of the Goosey and PyRo` Show
It was a blatant and pathetic re-use of old material and completely unbecoming of the usual quality expected from this presentation
Weed?

 

by Totalbiscuit
8-05-03
At Goober's house..
Hey Goose
Hey PyRo` what's up?
Nothing much tbh. signed up for some Iaido classes though, first lesson on Tuesday. Should be good exercise
...........
Somehow I saw this coming..

 

by Totalbiscuit
8-16-03
PyRo`, having finally been caught for his evil warez, has been sent to prison while Goosey contemplates bailing him out in exchange for copious amounts of weed
Ermm hey.. who are you? whatcha in here for?
Hi, I'm Glum, I'm in for bank robbery, grand theft auto and being too kinky with my 3 girlfriends
PyRo` looks quizically at his new cellmate
Ermmm..
Yeah, they love my 50 sports cars and sometimes I let them take out one of my many cruiseliners. I'm so damn kind to them
And you have all this.. yet you're a goat?
Love me

 

by Totalbiscuit
8-17-03
Hey PyRo`
Goose I've got something to tell you. I'm not who you previously believed me to be
What the hell are you on about
Observe
ffs
I AM THE MIGHTY MATADOR MAN!

 

by Totalbiscuit
8-17-03
And then came that fateful day
WTF, there must be some mistake, I'm too pretty to die
You are the one they call PyRo`? It is your time
/ctcp pingflood Death *enter*
There is no escape.. What are you doing?
Rofl, n00b
Death has quit Life (Excess Flood)

 

by Totalbiscuit
8-17-03
umbongo, umbongo, they drink it in the congo
wtf
so when it comes to sun and fun and goodness in the jungle. They all turn to the sunny funny one they call Um Bongo.
........
The world is now a better place

 

by Totalbiscuit
8-21-03
Goosey and PyRo` have been inexplicably abducted
So we're aboard a spaceship, with technology at least 200 years in advance of our own.. right?
Clearly
INSTALL REDHAT FS!
dork...

 

by Totalbiscuit
11-03-03
The untimely return of the Goosey and PyRo` Show!
Hey PyRo` it's been a while
Yeah.. so long in fact, that everyone will have forgotten the in-jokes from the previous episodes!
Weed?
I like you already

 

by Totalbiscuit
11-03-03
Tonight's Episode is rated W for WTF
I've come to fix the fridge
It's over here..... It's soooooooo hot!
I'll just get my wrench out
Your beak... it's.. so biiiiiiiig
I knew it! You just want me for my beak. You filthy slut
This is what I get for dropping out of college...

 

by Totalbiscuit
11-16-03
PyRo` feeds his drug habit
It says here that Salvia can give you open eye visuals and is perfectly legal!
*munch*
Yes Mrs Biggins.....
BURN THEM ALL!

 

by Totalbiscuit
11-23-03
Goosey and PyRo`s summer vacation goes horribly wrong
Look.. we're f*cking lost ok. Ask someone for directions
We're not lost ffs and besides.. I'm a man.. I can't ask anyone for directions
PyRo` hatches a master plan
Then wtf do you suggest we do? You got us into this mess
Don't worry.. I have a plan
...
/quit /quit /quit /quit /quit

 

by Totalbiscuit
11-23-03
The Goosey and PyRo` 20th Aniversary Show!
Hey PyRo`, it's the 20th episode of the show
Y'know what this means..
Sexeh PARTEH!
Sexeh PARTEH!

 

by Totalbiscuit
11-24-03
Goosey's walk in the park takes an unexpected turn for the worst
...
What?
PyRo` you're outside.. You do realize what this means don't you?
Ermm.. no...
2003.... Judgement Day..
ffs
ffs

 

by Totalbiscuit
11-24-03
Goosey is chatting online when he realizes..
Hey.. PyRo` hasn't been online today
You're right..
Better call the morgue
Aye :/

 

by Totalbiscuit
11-25-03
The meaning of life?
PyRo`... why d'you think we're here?
The answer is elementary my dear goose. We are here to procreate and continue the species
You ain't answered my question... Why are WE here?
...
f*ck
f*ck

 

by Totalbiscuit
11-27-03
Goose happens upon a mysterious encouter
WTF
I.. am the wizardly Mr Biggins.. your long lost brother
I don't believe you.. prove that you are indeed of the Goose line
So be it.. you reside in Scotland.. your best friend is PyRo`... and your handle in #cyber is HunkehBoi18
... how....
... f*ck....

 

by Totalbiscuit
11-27-03
Comic staple #7 - When all else fails.. add a new character
...
I am Destroyer413b, the everpresent sarcastic robot.
Suppose :/
Will you be my friend?
Great! We can dance naked in the meddow and listen to Cult of Luna!

 

by Totalbiscuit
11-29-03
This is a message on behalf of the RIAA
Hello Boys and Girls.. I'm here to tell you about the evils of Filesharing
Filesharing is a crime, by doing so you are causing hard-working artists to sell their children to the commies to feed themselves for just a day
You also deny perfectly innocent CEO's like this one.. the chance to buy 2 yachts this year.. so please.. don't share files.. or we'll come to your house and murder your family

 

by Totalbiscuit
11-29-03
NTL should probably hide at this point
WTF?! 'You have exceeded your bandwidth limit'
F*CKING BAST*RDS! THEY'LL DROWN IN THEIR OWN BLOOD. One to Twin powers.. Activate! Form of.. Axe Murderer!
NAHAHAHAHA! SLICE THE NASTY HOBBITTZZ

 

by Totalbiscuit
12-25-03
On behalf of us at the Goosey and PyRo` show.. we wish you a merry christmas
Arrnn a meery nu yaaarr
PyRo` wtf...
Gnnnrr Ram Druuunk...
And a Happy New Year to you all
Giimmme a kiis j0000 sexxeh1 gose tinng@£$

 

by Totalbiscuit
2-10-04
Goosey and PyRo return from there long absence, including new rehashed jokes from old IRC logs
Aye Goose..
Hey PyRo`, you finally get that router?
Nah.. bought a pointy sword though :D
wtf.. I thought you were going to get yourself a router to stop your sister leeching off you..
No need, I'll just cut her hands off instead!
You're nuts :/

 

by Totalbiscuit
12-14-04
Reintroducing, the one and only, Goosetoph McCloud the 3rd!
I know you've missed us, I mean who wouldn't
Well let me fill you in on what's been happening
PyRo` used his dole money to construct an invincible 20 foot tall robotic shell
*Clank*
We expect this crap to last at least 3 episodes
As for me, I've succumbed to Mr_P's evil ways and now live in his big ghey cave
I require immediate rescue.. I'll pay cash.. please... HELP!!!

 

by Totalbiscuit
12-15-04
Recent developments have seen Goosey traumatized in Mr_P's Big Ghey Cave and...
PyRo` seriously, what's the point in the 20 foot tall invincible robot suit?
*Clank*
You think it's funny? Nonsensical and inexplicable plot-twists in a stupid web-comic?
*Clank*
You're going to die alone, you know that don't you?

 

by Totalbiscuit
4-02-05
The exciting return of The Goosey and PyRo` Show!
So I says to him, that's not my shoe, that's an alligator!
Yes yes, now please.. shut up for a second
Hmm.. intriguing
I see great potential for a Hollywood expansion of this franchise
Sold
We would like to shoot a series of movie ideas which will no doubt fill at least the next 6 episodes

 

by Totalbiscuit
4-02-05
Goosey starring in - Freedom Fries - The Movie
Haha! I've got you now Osama Bin Laden!
Oh no, whatever shall I do, a comically-sized glorified duck is holding me at gun-point
What gun?
Oh right..
Infidel....

 

by Totalbiscuit
4-02-05
Goosey stars in Max Payne - The Movie
As I sat down at the cheap plastic cafe table of my life, I noticed that the chair on which I sat was cold and dirty as the grim nightmare of my soul
I was drowning in a pool of my own excessive metaphores and this was a totally unneccessary noir-style comic strip from which I could not escape
The fire which now enveloped the sorry carcass of my eternal existence was...

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