All comics by Touch_The_Clown

 

by Touch_The_Clown
1-14-05
Little Andy Andrews has angered his art teacher!
Handing in stupidly drawn pictures of your father as coursework is not acceptable, i've arranged a meeting with him, lets see how funny he finds it! Leave now!
Ten minutes later Andies father arrives.
KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!
Come in Mr Andrews.
Whats my son done now Mr Gaye?
...!!

 

by Touch_The_Clown
1-14-05
Mr! Mr! You gotta help me, there's this crazy guy! He thinks i'm something i'm not, he's gonna break my back if he carries on! He's gonna kill me! Please! Hide me!
Its o.k. get in my sack, no one will find you there.
Mr Biggles proceeds to enter Santa's warm homely sack.
Ssh! I think he's coming!
Excuse me sir, have you seen my valiant silver steed! We must ride tonight! Ride! RIDE!
!!!

 

by Touch_The_Clown
1-14-05
!!!!!
Hey Sexy! Guess who! I wanna lick your thighs and feel myself deep inside you, then we can 69 again, all night long!
Who the fuck are you! Freak! Leave me alone!
Oh! Sorry!
?
I thought you were my Dad!

 

by Touch_The_Clown
1-14-05
Need to think of something clever, wait, wait. Wait! GOT IT!
LOOK AT ME! I CAN COMIC!
Genius
NO WAIT!

 

by Touch_The_Clown
1-14-05
Day 1.
Right, this is gonna rock!
24 hours later.
THIS IS SO FUCKING FRUSTRATING!
1 week later.
Any luck?
STUPID FUCKING STRIPCREATOR! i'm just gonna download porn

 

by Touch_The_Clown
1-14-05
RAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!! OOOHHHH!!! OOGAA! BOOGGA! RAAAA!!!!! RAAAA!!!!
Oh dear I have soiled myself
I wish there was some kind of magic fairy that would immediately reverse all the bad things that ever happen to me!
DONE!
I wish there wasn't!
?

 

by Touch_The_Clown
1-14-05
HA HA!
Told you it wouldn't hold them.
Hmm.

 

by Touch_The_Clown
1-14-05
I wanna swap back!

 

by Touch_The_Clown
1-15-05
Go on then, whats yours?
WELL! how about this, my greatest trick was convincing everyone I don't exist! HA! Whats yours!?
Convincing everyone I do.
Touche.

 

by Touch_The_Clown
1-15-05
If only the government would pay attention to the job centres, they "MIGHT" be able to work out why there is so much unemployment.
Right, so if you haven't been working for the past five years, what have you been doing?
Oh, you know, sitting... ........plotting.
?!
WELL! Ideally I would like to work in I-MEAN-WITH! um, children.
Or they might not.
Um, sir, thats not a pen.
Sign where?

 

by Touch_The_Clown
1-15-05
BEHOLD!
THE MESSIAH!

 

by Touch_The_Clown
1-15-05
It just seems a bit bizarre to me?
Why? I should be allowed to follow what they wish if it makes them happy and its not hurting anyone!
Oh I agree with that, I just don't see how you personally can argue that the mormons have got it right!

 

by Touch_The_Clown
1-15-05
DON'T MOVE! I'm from the F.B.I. we have been monitoring your phone calls and have reason to believe you are accessing child pornography!
NO I HAVEN'T! I SWEAR!
Prove it.
Wait a minute, wait, there! Look!
Sects with miners.

 

by Touch_The_Clown
1-15-05
We will be joining Marcus Dent in the deep south as he first interviews the man involed and then some of the locals to find out what they think about an act that defies God and provokes moral outrage!
Thank you Steve ,we are at Tom Salmons house with Tom Salmon. So, Tom, you married a male horse. Is this correct?
Yes Marcus! I have, and we have both never been happier, people here are so narrow minded, I wish they would just leave us alone!
This is Steve-Bob-Dave-Dan, he has lived in the area all he life and has his own view on the events that have occured. Steve-Bob-Dave-Dan.
Thanks, yeah, lahk well, ah've known him years now, always a bit weired ya know, but ah never thought he'd marry a gay black guy!

 

by Touch_The_Clown
1-15-05
Look, just imagine me in my underwear.
O.K. doing that, i'm just really nervous when i'm with her.
Now imagine me as something silly and unthreatening, just do that when you're with your girlfriend and you'll be fine, cool as a cucumber!
I think that might actually work! Thanks! I'm gonna do it!
I've been looking forward to this all week!
I can't believe i'm about to lose my virginity! This is so cool!

 

by Touch_The_Clown
1-15-05
Its 3 in the morning, its dark, its cold and i'm tired! Why do we have to do this every night! ITS FUCKING STUPID!
You know the answer, if the president wants to play hide and seek, then so do we.
he he he! they'll never find me this time!

 

by Touch_The_Clown
1-15-05
Computer Games.
Visiting relatives.
And, ...Miscellaneous.

 

by Touch_The_Clown
1-15-05
I feel like I should tell you, before we do "IT" that, um, well, i've never done "IT" before.
No worries babe, you know I love you, just lift your left leg as high as you can and wait there.
What are you doing hun?
Taking a run up!

 

by Touch_The_Clown
1-15-05
KILL THEM! KILL EVERYONE! THEY'RE ALL OUT TO GET YOU! GET THEM FIRST! ITS O.K. DON'T WORRY, I'LL TAKE THE BLAME, YOU'LL BE FINE!
Its not real, its not real, i'm just imagining it. Remember what the doctor said, don't listen to it, just count to ten and it'll all go away. 1, 2, 3, 4...
...7, 8, 9, 10.
Now thats all over get your fathers gun, go to school, and wait for further instructions!
O.K.

 

by Touch_The_Clown
1-15-05
KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL!
Doobee doobee dum dum da...
...Da dee doobee doo dum dum...
DIE! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL!
Told you.
Thats cool! This time, do it with your cock out!

 

by Touch_The_Clown
1-15-05
O.K. Reagan, don't say anything, just point out to everyone, which one made you say "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL!"

 

by Touch_The_Clown
1-15-05
Joseph! Joseph! I've got the most amazing news! I'm pregnant! We're gonna have a baby! Can you believe it!
Umm, I don't get it, you said you we're a virgin when we first met years ago, and we've never had sex, so, um, how can that happen?
Uhhh, well, umm, like this err angel said its gonna be, um like the son of God, and stuff, so umm, the err normal stuff doesn't like, need to happen, and stuff?
...
THIS IS SO COOL! I CAN'T BELIEVE OUT OF EVERYONE IN THE WHOLE WORLD WE'VE BEEN CHOSEN TO RAISE THE SON OF GOD! YES!
fuck.

 

by Touch_The_Clown
1-15-05
Delete. Delete. Delete. Deleting all your major files, this'll teach you, ya stingy bastard!
Y'can shove yer f'kin job aahhh don't need it anyway!
PENIS! penispenispenispenis PEEEEEENISSS!!!
...?..!

 

by Touch_The_Clown
1-15-05
Ah screw it! You can live!
Wahoo!
Pleeease...
Oh, O.K. I'll let you in, i'm sure just this once won't cause any harm, just behave yourself, and be nice!
WOW! Santa! I've been a good girl this year! I promise!
PENIS! PENIS! penispenispenispenispenis PEEEEEENISSSS!!!

 

by Touch_The_Clown
1-15-05
I don't get it, why do humans believe so much in God and Jesus, and go to church every Sunday, and then like base thier whole lives on the Bible? A book!
Hmm. An interesting question, why do dogs chase cats?
Well, um, isn't it because of like that story where the dog helps the cat cross the water but the cat doesn't help the dog over the wall, cuz cats are like sneaky and stuff, so now dogs hate cats?
Yep.
But thats just a stupid story made up by random people hundreds of years ago with no real basis in any form of reality what-so-ever!
Exactly!

 

by Touch_The_Clown
1-15-05
Its 5 o'clock
Right! That sick freak that feeds us both, strokes you and drags me around the park by my throat before enitiating the act of forcing me to shit in front of laughing children will be home soon!
What you on about? You love him, i've seen you always licking him and slobbering all over him and all that lovey stuff!
Piss off! I hate him!
Well, why do you care when he gets back then?
Means i've got half an hour to lick my balls and arse hole!

 

by Touch_The_Clown
1-15-05
I'm Home!
Oh joy.
Hey! I've got a nice juicy suprise for you Fido!
Thats not my name you fucking retard!
I bet you need to do your "business" huh? how about we go down to the park and play a game of fetch with you're nice new bone!
How about I shove it up your arse!

 

by Touch_The_Clown
1-15-05
...?
Dya' do it?
Yup, nothing worse than a cat fart!

 

by Touch_The_Clown
1-15-05
meow! meow!
stupid little cat
woof! woof!
silly little dog
thank FUCK hes gone and we can talk normally again, and whos hes calling FUCKING stupid!
We ain't stupid, Who the fuck do you think is stupid enough spend 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, to get enough money to pay for me and you to have food and sit and shit in the lounge.

 

by Touch_The_Clown
1-15-05
Um, there's like shit all over the house and everything, like all over the floor and on the chairs and stuff?
Well, i'm not putting one foot in that house until you clean it up you filthy bastard!
I'm not cleaning it up! I didn't do it!
Well I certainly didn't deficate everywhere and as far as i'm aware SHIT DOESN'T JUST MATERIALISE FROM THIN FUCKING AIR!!!
Nice one Dad, now they're argueing again!
buRP.*

 

by Touch_The_Clown
1-15-05
Hello.
Hiya! ya know, if you we're something else i'd imagine you like being a really cool super hero, going around like saving people and fighting bad guys and stuff!
Yeah! That'd be cool!
What d'you think i'd be like?
Dunno?

 

by Touch_The_Clown
1-16-05
3 A.M. Everyone is back from the pubs and clubs, WASTED!
Aaherrr, I'm so drunnnk!
Ha ha ha! Dad! eat the cat food again!
Yeah Go on!
AWRIYYTE, get the bowl! i'll show you kids a thing or two about... ...stuff!!!!!!!!!!!
He's eating out of my bowl again!
Yeah I know, you should probably start doing it in the garden like other cats!

 

by Touch_The_Clown
1-16-05
I'm getting really fed up with you, you're always dragging your arse along the floor, leaving long brown marks!
?
AND FOR CHRISTS SAKE! the other day I saw you eating one of your own turds! ITS DISCUSTING! I'll be back later, you need to learn to behave yourself!
At least I didn't eat my young!

 

by Touch_The_Clown
1-16-05
So yeah, basically, um, he put a really good point across and i've decided to put my faith in Christianity.
I just think the whole thing is really flawed, they've got their "clever" answers they spout out all the time but really they just come across as scared and closed minded!
Well, Father Bailey told me I need to keep an open mind at all times and find my own way through this world before we become united once again with the good Lord.
O.K. well, what would happen if they scientifically proved that God existed, would your faith be in God or science?
Um, i'm not sure, he didn't tell me what to think about that!
?

 

by Touch_The_Clown
1-16-05
so uh, yeah, after what you were saying and stuff I decided to not be christian any more, but its cool cuz through them i've met this other group of really cool guys!
Yeah? Thats cool, who are they, what do they do?
Well they're basically perfect for me, they're all in to cleanliness, just like me, and they love making nice warm fires, you know how I like them.
Yeah, thats cool, i'm really happy for you, what else do they do?
Well, we all dress up like ghosts, you know, with white hoods, and go for walks, and sing funny songs, and there's some other stuff they're gonna tell me about soon I think...
Umm, Cat?

 

by Touch_The_Clown
1-16-05
Oh yeah baby! This is gonna be one hot passionate night of love making!
Damn right you sexy bitch! Lets turn the lights out and get NAKED!
Oh yeah, this is so good! I want you so bad! Come and get me tiger!
Oh yeah you're so sexy! with your like amazing hairless body! And um just two breasts, erm and um, oh this stupid! Turn the lights on!
?
I'm sorry, I just don't really get off on the whole role playing thing.

 

by Touch_The_Clown
1-16-05
You talkin' to me? YOU TALKIN' TO ME? Then who the hell else are you talkin' to? You talkin' to me?
Well I'm the only one here. Who do you think you're talking to? Oh yeah? Huh? Ok.
Who were you talking to?
STUPID CAT IN THE BATHROOM! WISH IT'D JUST FUCK OFF!

 

by Touch_The_Clown
1-19-05
I hate this band! I can't believe I went out and bought all their C.Ds and videos!
They're always going on about how they love the Pixies, and they're trying to sound like the Pixies, and Frank Black's a genius, and how they wish they were in the Pixies!
They just want to be Nirvana!

 

by Touch_The_Clown
1-19-05
I love fancy dress, its so much fun! I like your costume!
Thanks, i'm just glad Prince Harry hasn't turned up after last time!
Yeah I know! I can't believe he did that! That sort of thing is obviously still on peoples minds, its just in really, REALLY! Poor taste!
Yeah, so are you meant to be from Dawn of the Dead, or Shaun of the Dead?
I'm a tsunami victim.
?

 

by Touch_The_Clown
1-19-05
Wow! This is cool! Am I on the internet?
Yeah, welcome to Stripcreator! Go ahead, tell a joke!
Why would I wanna tell a joke?
Well, what did you think this was for?
Hi! My names Andy, I believe that Kevin Smith is stupid and his films suck! FUCK FAT SMITH! HE'S FUCKING CLOWN SHOES!... ...I also wish to share porn.

 

by Touch_The_Clown
1-19-05
Oh my God! This is horrible! I feel sick!
Whats wrong with her? She's been acting weird all day.
yeah, she passed out on the sofa and I sleapt on her lap again, but then when she woke up I had a huge erection.
So? That always happens. You always do that! Whats so different about this time?
Guess where I'd put her hand.

 

by Touch_The_Clown
1-19-05
Oh yeah! That was good!
...
?
Why does he think its O.K. to masterbate in front of me?
?

 

by Touch_The_Clown
1-27-05
?
FOR FUCKS SAKE! WHO KEEPS GOING ON NUDECELEBS.COM?!
What was it this time, Benji?
Ewoks.

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