All comics by bari

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by bari
3-14-03
i've just been working on my computer
I've water-cooled it, now it runs so fast and i've overclocked the bios, come and see
I'd rather eat my own shit you boring cunt. fuck off.

 

by bari
3-14-03
colchester you're really fat
you're the ugliest girl i know
Your mate hodges is a rude arsehole
damn straight!

 

by bari
3-14-03
Hodges used his day off productively...
hey kirsty, I fixed your computer.
thanks
and I picked up those things from Asda you needed
thanks
Can i shag you up the arse?
No.

 

by bari
3-14-03
Hodges, have you seen the pies?
i ate them
All of them?
Yes, all of them. I ate all the pies.
Ha ha! You fat cunt! You ate all the pies.

 

by bari
3-15-03
Nick, do you like my new brown t-shirt?
No.
Bari, does Crete have an airport?
Yes.
Bari, does Alex ask stupid questions?
Fucking right he does, the stupid brown-shoed bellend!

 

by bari
3-16-03
It's Friday night, and John Sutherland in the Wedge...
Do youn think I look like Duncan from Blue?
No.
No? Then who do I look like?
You have clearly never ever had sex

 

by bari
3-16-03
Life in the Hodges household was getting monotonous...
Kirsty, can I shag you up the arse?
No.
Kirsty, can I shag you up the arse?
No.
Kirsty, can I shag you up the arse?
No.

 

by bari
3-16-03
Sutherland tries telling lies to gain street cred...
I had sex last night
Really?
No.

 

by bari
3-16-03
John could sometimes be his own worst enemy...
I spy with my little eye something beginning with... V
Virgin?

 

by bari
3-16-03
Hodges is at the restaurant...
Waiter, could I order a big pie please?
Sorry sir, we're out of pies. Could I suggest the salad instead?
Mmm... I'd really rather have a pie.
THE REASON WE HAVENT GOT ANY PIES IS BECAUSE YOU ATE THEM ALL YOU FAT CUNT!

 

by bari
3-16-03
The parents of Hodges' schoolfriends were becoming increasingly concerned...
What did you learn at school today?
cunt fuck aids cancer! ha ha! cuuuunt!
ok... what would you like for dinner?
Loads and loads of pies, extra lard, washed down with a pint of gin.
I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU THAT YOU WEREN'T TO HANG AROUND WITH THAT BOY HODGES ANYMORE! HE'S A BAD INFLUENCE!
I like anal sex

 

by bari
3-16-03
John Sutherland's latest attempt to lie about sex backfires...
Honestly mate, this woman i saw today, the fittest thing you've ever seen. Sexy face, massive rack, and a great arse.
Yeah... I shagged her the other day.
Stop lying Sutherland. I was talking about your mum.

 

by bari
3-16-03
Sutherland had a bone to pick with Bari...
You think that me being a virgin gives you the right to take the piss out of me all the time!
That's simply not true!
Then why do you take the piss?
Because last night I raped your Dad and then came in your Mum's face.

 

by bari
3-16-03
Something was clearly playing on Wardell's mind at the "grants not fees" rally...
"GRANTS NOT FEES!"
"GRANTS NOT FEES!"
"GRANTS NOT FEES!"
"GRANTS NOT FEES!"
"GRANTS NOT FEES!"
"I LOVE MASSIVE BLACK COCK IN MY ARSE!"

 

by bari
3-16-03
Frustrated at his lack of success in Bristol, John Sutherland decides to go on Blind Date, and he's through to the last two...
I like a man with experience, someone who can really show me the way... Why does this make you my ideal man? That question is to number 2.
Shit.
I have no experience at all! I'm a harsh virgin!

 

by bari
3-16-03
Mr. Sutherland, do you have an alibi for the time of the crime?
Yes officer. I was having sex with a woman.
Shit.

 

by bari
3-16-03
John's attempt at a witty comeback causes more harm than good...
No I don't think you look like Duncan James from Blue. Stop pestering me or I'll kick you in the cock.
You'll have to find it first!

 

by bari
3-16-03
Hodges' career as a stand-up comedian failed at an early stage...
Knock knock
Who's there?
Paul
Paul Who?
Paul Hodges
Fuck off you fat cunt.

 

by bari
3-16-03
Undeterred, Hodges take s his brand of comedy to a different audience, with disasterous consequences...
Knock knock
Who's there?
Paul
Paul who?
Paul Hodges
Mummy says I shouldn't talk to men like you.

 

by bari
3-16-03
House relations became strained as Hodges and Maddie realised they had very little in common...
Hey Mr. Paul! Do you like my anti-war sign? You can come to the protest with me if you want.
No, I think your sign is the gayest thing in the world. And as for the protest, I'd rather eat a miscarraige out of the mouth of my mum's severed head, using my dad's urethra as a straw.
But Maddie secretly had the last laugh...
Every night while your'e asleep, me and Kirsty go out and fuck loads of black men.

 

by bari
3-16-03
Hodges found that the "honesty is the best policy" approach did not always pay dividends...
I touch young girls.

 

by bari
3-16-03
Hodges gets off on the wrong foot with new work colleague Tyrone...
I bet all you eat is fried chicken and watermelon you wog.
I bet all you eat is pies you fat cunt.
Shut the fuck up you mouthy wog. Don't try to make me look stupid. Your parents were slaves!
Every night while you're asleep i screw your girlfriend.

 

by bari
3-17-03
Hodges decided to give stand-up comedy one final shot, but wherever he went, the hecklers followed... In Bristol
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because you were talking to it about water-cooling your PC?
...In Cardiff...
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because you tried to put it in a pie?
...In his native Manchester...
...and then the vicar said...
..."FUCK OFF YOU FAT CUNT"

 

by bari
3-17-03
Wardell, I saw the most fittest girl today.
Sutherland your grammar is awful. It's not the "most fittest". It's either the "fittest" or the "most fit".
Wardell, you are the most gayest man i know.

 

by bari
3-17-03
Hey Sutherland, you shagged a girl last night.
REALLY!?!
NO!! YOU GULLIBLE BELLEND!!

 

by bari
3-19-03
Wedgies, 2.10am, after a 12 tequilas...
Wow! That guy looks like Duncan from Blue! I must pull him!
Vodka Nation, 2.50am, after 14 "Double vodka Red Bull"s...
It's that fit guy again! I must pull him again!
The Berkley, 7.30pm, sober as a judge...
Shit

 

by bari
3-22-03
Craig David is performing in concert...
What you see is what you get...
No hidden agenda...
Ironically I have a hidden agenda, to steal your wallet and shag your girlfriend.

 

by bari
3-25-03
Craid David performed another well known hit...
...Met this girl on Monday, took her for a drink on Tuesday...
...we were making love by Wednesday, and Thursday, Friday Saturday...
Slag!

 

by bari
3-25-03
Yet another "smash hit" at the Craig David concert...
...I'm walking away, from the troubles in my life...
..I'm walking away, to find a better day...
I'm walking away from that stupid wog in the yellow hat

 

by bari
3-27-03
Out in Malia, life is good for Fatboy and Titch...
Ah, this is the life mate! Cheap women, cheap food, cheap beer. Glad I'm not stuck back home. They must be bored senseless!
Damn right!
Little do they know, back in Watford...
Jesus Emma, that sex was great! The adrenaline rush reminds me of a flying lesson followed by a game of Rugby!
You're right Tim! I haven't gushed so much since the doctor pulled the aborted kid out of my diseased cunt!

 

by bari
3-30-03
Hitchcock brings up the "hip" topic of "fit women"...
Bari me ol' china, what do ya think of that bird Amanda Redman?
She's not bad, but she's got a burnt arm
A what? What's wrong with her arm?
A BURNT ARM! HER ARM IS BURNT!
What?
Hitchcock, you're a fucking retard. Go and buy some brown shoes you mockney ginger bellend.

 

by bari
4-05-03
At confession...
Forgive me father for I have sinned...
Before you start, Kelly... I've had a message from The Almighty.
What did he say?
HE SAYS HE'S SICK OF YOU TALKING SHIT!

 

by bari
12-13-04
a typical day, as phil gets back from uni
hey phil, whats've you been up to?
i've done a bit of uni work, just got back from rugby
cool. you out tonight? after all, it is your birthday!
no, i've got a lecture tomorrow, may give it a miss
you are without doubt the saddest cunt i have ever met

 

by bari
12-13-04
Jecca was reading the riot act to Paul
You really missed out when you didn't sleep with me Paul...
... I can do things that no other girl can, push buttons you didn't know existed
Paul's remorse was clear from his response
I bet you'd be the shittest shag ever you spaded priss cunt

 

by bari
12-14-04
Phallus and Sutherland were having a debate in their new house...
So who do you reckon is the bigger cunt Phallus, me or you?
I reckon I'm a much bigger cunt than you, everyone hates me!
Fuck off Phallus, I'm a huge cunt! No-one can stand my stupid high horse o self-righteousness!
There's only one way to settle this... Whoever can go through Arianne first is the bigger cunt.
Shit! Mike's already going through her! That means we must both be MASSIVE cunts!
Let's celebrate by shitting on our mates and trying it on with their birds!!

 

by bari
12-21-04
Ian returned from his latest conquest...
So how was she?
Great body, let me do everything, called me daddy and sucked me off all night... but...
But..?
She made me bag up
What? The fucking priss!! Take it you won't be seeing her again!?
Not a chance, the frigid priss idiot!

 

by bari
12-22-04
Paul and Abbie were discussing the busy day ahead...
I've got work til 7, then i've got to sort out my tickets home. What you up to today?
A full day in the library and then Christmas shopping
Shall we just fuck it off and watch 24 all day?
Sounds good

 

by bari
12-22-04
Caroline and Paul are sat in the living room on a tuesday afternoon...
Fancy going out tonight?
I can't mate, I've got a 10am lecture. I'm not going out til next Friday.
Come on, we'll go to the lizard lounge , have a proper cheap one
Seriously Paul, I can't. I'm too tired anyway.
3am in the Lizard Lounge...
(drunken irish slur) that man in the abercrombie's well fit so he is...
Fuck me you're fucking shitted!

 

by bari
12-22-04
Week 3 at the RAC...
Paul thinks he's got away with paying no attention in training and durning up everyday hungover...
... but his bosses are beginning to twig...
"Hello, AA insurance, how may i help you?"

 

by bari
12-22-04
Nat was up to her usual tricks...
You're not being fair to Janine, you should be honest with her
... it got paul wondering
You need to settle down with a nice girl and stop shagging around
Can she really be whiter than white?
Later, at "Bar Med"
Seriously boss, he doesn't suspect a thing!

 

by bari
12-22-04
have a good day? I've just come back from rugby
Can you keep the noise down later, I've got to do my essay tomorrow.
Phil should have made more effort with Caroline given her terrorist connections...
cock

 

by bari
1-01-05
Ian did you know that the American Indians used to drink water before bedtime to get up early for an attack?
No Greg I didn't know that.
Did you know that Victorians used to paint coal white to stop it being stolen?
No Greg I didn't know that.
Do you know anything Ian?
I know that you're boring and impotent and can't satisfy my mum.

 

by bari
1-06-05
Hodges is sharing his philosophy on women with naive young Arnoldi...
Mate the key to the relationship is putting the woman in her place. Make sure she knows who's boss.
Seriously, Kirsty does what I say when I say it. I'm wearing the trousers bigtime
Later, in the pub...
Diamond, I thought Hodges was supposed to be coming down?
Kirsty won't let him leave the kitchen. Hodges is such a fucking fat henpecked coward!

 

by bari
1-06-05
Phil is keeping up his record of starting cracking conversations…
Tell you what, Jack Bauer would give a brilliant rugby teamtalk!
Mmmm...
Don’t you reckon Bath Rugby Club should be renamed “Bath Centurions” because of the history of the city?
Ian decides to spark up a conversation of his own...
I reckon you should be renamed “Fat Cunt Phil The Most Boring Man In The World Who Bashes Off With Rugby Boots While Reading Rugby Monthly”.

 

by bari
1-06-05
It’s just another run of the mill day for Paul at RAC…
Hello, RAC Insure, my name’s Paul Arnoldi. How May I help you?
Hi, I was interested in taking out an insurance policy
I’ll see if I can set that up for you sir… what were you looking to insure?
I’d like to insure YOUR MUM’S HOOP COS I’M GOING TO BREAK IT WHEN I RAPE HER!!! RAAAPE!!!
Fucking Hodges

 

by bari
1-09-05
Hodges is outlineing his lunch plans to Diamond...
We should make a roast... drive to ASDA, buy the chicken, peel the potatoes, peel the carrots, peel the parsnips, roast the chicken in the oven, cut up the potatoes, cut up the carrots, cut up the...
Later, he outlines his dinner plans to Arnoldi...
We should make wraps... drive to ASDA, but the wraps, buy some olive oil, buy some salad, buy some cheese, put the salad in the wrap, grate the cheese, put the cheese on the salad, open the olive...
Later, Diamond and Arnoldi rendez-vous to make some plans of their own....
We should "roast" Kirsty
I won't bother to "wrap" up

 

by bari
1-11-05
Accompanied by his faithful Fray Bentos, Hodges is content with life...
Ah, I've got a great realationship with Kirsty, I can't wait to see her again...
Left without his Fray Bentos, Hodges' mind begins to wander...
It has been a while since I've seen her...
...and he arrives at the obvious conclusion...
Kisrty clearly sleeps with black men while I'm at uni

 

by bari
1-18-05
Diamond's request to Hodges seemed innocent enough......
Hodges, mind if I borrow your nine iron when you go back to Loughborough?
No problem Diamond
You gonna be going to the driving range or playing a full 18 holes?
...until his ulterior motive was revealed
Neither. I'm going to sharpen it, beat Kirsty round the head with it, and then use the shaft to rape her to death.

 

by bari
1-20-05
Little Annie takes a trip to Santa's grotto...
Oooh little girl, come and sit on my face, er i mean knee, and I'll give you a special present...
Smith you bellend, take that Santa outfit off and stop abusing kids
AND WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT FUCKING CAT??

 

by bari
1-20-05
Arnoldi is caught up in a conversation after he gave a homeless cripple some money in a rare charitable moment...
I often feel like killing myself. My legs got run over by a truck, I lost my job, my wife kicked me out, I have AIDS...
Come on mate, no need for this suicide talk! Things can't be all that bad!
Yeah, I suppose not. I do have some good friends... James Bradley, Victor, Joe Evans, Marco...
Do you want to borrow some rope?

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