All comics by borfo

 

My Crankshaft by borfo 4-25-01
Fifteen minutes ago... God... I need some crack. Honey, did you leave the stove on?	Maybe I can make some out of this stuff I found in my ear. Don't go there! Talk to the hand!!!	I think I left the stove on... Wanna see my crankshaft?

 

--In the Edmonton Oilers Dressing Room, no less. by borfo 4-25-01
pull my finger not again...	No, really. Pull my finger. Oh, all right, but this is the LAST TIME!	TAXI!!

 

So much internal bleeding by borfo 4-25-01
Shortly before I met you... All your base are... Oh, for Christ's sake... Shut up already!!!	Somebody set up us the... FUCK OFF!!!	Do you have stairs in your house? sigh.

 

I'm a cop, you idiot! by borfo 4-25-01
Thanks for calling Hooters San Jose, how can I help you? You lack discipline.	Do I like discipline? Yes.	You need to call another line. This is Hooters, you don't call here talking like that allright? Bye. Quit Whining.

 

Ich bin der Schlamm by borfo 4-25-01
Measured value is for Pansies. Try not to cogitate.	Stay at home. Uses they an observing you and requires you the marvelous products, with which I her tantalize.	On episode of this week of the survivor, Steve Barke eats, while Laura looks occasionally on rock volatilely.

 

Hey, I didn't order a calzone! by borfo 4-25-01
Meanwhile, back in Hazzard county... Mister, can you help me find my mommy? Listen Kid; I'm frickin' busy here. You think I have time to run around looking fer your mommy? NO. I'm a fucking clown. I gotta be pulling baloon animals outta my ass in, like, 15 minutes.	CHRIST! That's the fifth cab that's driven by. What, do I look like a FREAK or something? Used to be a clown would get some respect in this town. Not anymore... No sir!	Wanna come back to my place? OK.

 

You are you as soon as you cheer to see me? by borfo 4-26-01
Cautious Porqué makes an observation. (Thank you, babelfish!) Cautious Porqué here, small lady. You appear to have certain class of insect encapsulated in your chest! huh?	My word! I simply that she indicates that you it looks like to be the posessor of a spider, or a similar creature who inhabits his more to bustier! She does not understand to me badly please. Whut?	Is that a spider on your tits, or are you just glad to see me? Oh. It's a spider.

 

How many roads must a man walk down? by borfo 4-26-01
In the little town of Bethlehem... Pull my finger! Oh, fer christ's sake...	No, really. I beg of you, pull my finger! It's very important. I swear, If this doesn't stop I'll have to pull the damn thing right off!	I need a drink.

 

Tied to a tree, waiting for a bus in the asshole of a cow. by borfo 4-26-01
Earlier, In a meat packing plant... Pull my finger! Whatever...		I just had my goddam hair done, asshole.

 

Right to the heart of editings. by borfo 4-26-01
Ladies and gentlemen, to your left you can see the famous statue of Liberty, which you may remeber from such films as 'The Planet Of The Apes'... ...thpppt!	Parts of 'Escape From the Planet Of The Apes' were filmed in this grove of trees... Legend has it that Charlton Heston himself once urinated right where you're standing!	Kevin Costner's eagerly anticipated new installment in the 'Apes' franchise, 'Tending Bar on The Planet Of The Apes' will be filmed right here in the middle of the Atlantic. ACK!

 

Allow that it reads its chest carefully, my beloved! by borfo 4-26-01
The return of Cautious Porqué Cautious Porqué again here, small lady. What with that little black mass is emphasizing of their cover purple sassy, missy? You obtained a little hair in that chest yours, marine? Whut?	In the first look, it would take him for a woman lovely. Nevertheless, on the additional glancing, observes what appears to be a plume of the follicular development in its chestal region! Huh?	It would appear that you can in fact be a member of the masculine! Alive beloved of sakes of the track! Are you are or are you ain't my baby? Listen here Stumpy: You lookin' fer a date or not?

 

Swiper McSquidfort says "Eat what yer got yer aye on!" by borfo 5-02-01
Wendy works at McSquidfort. Hi, Welcome to McSquidfort... What can I do for you tonight? By cracky! Randy bizzatnattch, ain't she? Myron be hittin' dat sweet ass tonight, W3RD!	Myron brings a bag lunch to the lab most days. ...sure... would you like a cod julep with that, sir?... ...mmm-hmm. ...One large tentacle? Damn straight dat be one large tentacle, beeeeaaaazznatch!	Wendy takes drive-through orders over a headset. That'll be $7.08... pay at the first window... Thank you, have a nice day! Why don't you climb on into my pants and find out fo' yo'self, fine lady?

 

Ask Jeeves: Bitch School by borfo 5-02-01
Co-Written by Jeeves of 'askJeeves.com' Hey, Jeeves... You coming, or what? You, and people with similar questions should should seek prompt medical care.	Is that a threat? Our concern is for the death penalty, torture and other cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment.	Don't mess with me, Jeeves. I may be tiny, but I'll kick yo' bitch ass all the way back to bitch school! Jeeves works best when you ask only one question at a time.

 

Ask Jeeves #2: Soap on a rope by borfo 5-03-01
Jeeves is a social animal. Hey Jeeves, have you been using my soap on a rope? Try to keep your search questions short and to the point.	Jeeves enjoys human interaction. What? Listen, you miserable wanker, don't try to turn this around. Have you been using the soap on a rope or not?!? The more specific, the better. Try synonyms: if "windbreaker" doesn't work, try "jacket."	Jeeves is a pain in the ass. FINE! Have you been using my detergent cake on a cord!? ...God. Why do I bother... Where can I learn about laundry detergent?

 

CC#27: Ask Jeeves #3: Linguistics major? I just met 'er! by borfo 5-03-01
Jeeves just wants to help. Jeeves, please don't make this any more of a pain than it has to be... I need some toothpaste. Can I borrow yours? What is the correct way to brush and floss my teeth? ...Where can I find encyclopedic resources on pain?	Jeeves is a little slow on the uptake... Forget it. I'll go buy some. You're about as useful as confetti notepaper! Use a question, phrase, or word - Jeeves is flexible.	Jeeves talks it over with his therapist. Jeeves, it would seem there is an interstice between your intent and your understanding. Perhaps if you listened a little more attentively? Rather than wait for the public speculation and debate, I'm going to say what exactly is going on: Where can I find a directory of information related to men?

 

Ask Jeeves #3: Jeeves Travels In Style. by borfo 5-03-01
Jeeves travels in style. Jeeves, I think we're in trouble... that oxygen mask thingy was supposed to drop from the ceiling, but... If you are feeling suicidal now, please stop long enough to read this. It will only take about five minutes.	Jeeves likes headroom when he flies. Help me, Jeeves. I don't think I can hold on any longer... this wind is too much, and I'm feeling dizzy... Why do you get dizzy sometimes when you stand up?	Jeeves really shines in times of crisis. Thanks a bundle, Jeeves. I foresee that very soon I shall be overwhelmed by the pressure and be forced to take extreme measures.

 

Ask Jeeves #5: Jeeves can't count. by borfo 5-03-01
Jeeves can't count. Jeeves, I think you messed up numbering on the last comic... That last strip ought to have been #4, not #3, don't you think? Ask in your own words using a question, phrase, or term.	Jeeves is getting defensive. What... did that seem scripted to you? Those *are* my own words, asshole! It's probably become obvious to the careful observer that all is not well... Where can I find the definition of a word?	Jeeves is beginning to repeat himself. What comes after four, Jeeves? Jeeves works best when you ask only one question at a time.

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