All comics by duckass

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by duckass
12-09-02
On a piece of cabbage far far away...
So still think your Anakin Skywalker Joey? That film really made an impression on you.
Your criticism of the force disturbs me.
Well i suppose you did see it plenty of times with fly eyes.... What you getting for Christmas?
the only choice for a jedi knight...
idiot
An Electronic Crazy Braider

 

by duckass
12-09-02
Im tired of all this publicity, i should sue
Santa Claus 2, featuring my twin brother?My evil arch enemy the Grinch? When will it end, when will people give me privacy??
And you thought you had it bad... i have to put up with monty python, a regular slot by my cartoon double on south park and kids loving you more than me!!!
JESUS CHRIST!!
FATHER CHRISTMAS!! YEOOOWCH this snow bites more than these rusty nails from mikes discount hardware...

 

by duckass
12-10-02
A grazing ground for cattle
last week i climbed mount everest..... found a cure for cancer and eradicated world poverty
what?
I also killed bin laden, ran at the speed of sound and orbited the moon in a bmw
and then i made a million in an hour by making donuts, ate 5 whole chinchillas and knocked out mike tyson 15 times in 15 rounds and
Remeber kids whenever your near this field.. BEWARE OF THE BULL

 

by duckass
12-12-02
an ordinary day at brownie guides tm
we are the brownie guides helping people everyday hay!!!
I can sing a rainbow sing rainbow sing a rainbow duuuude... this brownie thing has better hallucinations than any friggin drugs man......
Listen with your eyes listen with your eyes...
I do my best to serve the community god and keep the brownie honor and aload of other mindless shit that i cant be bothered doing... i got forced my great aunt jean as well..
and sing everything you seee... I CAN SEE A DOG SHIT SEE A DOG SHIT I STEPPED IN DOG SHIT YEH!!!!

 

by duckass
12-13-02
wahhh!!! My house is on fire!!
dont worry i rescued the candy...
WAHH MY 32 INCH TV WITH SURROND SOUND!! and my years subscription too PLAYBOY CHANNEL!!!!! WAHHHH!!
urm you could watch it round my house.. hang on these are rubber jonnys!!
*groans* that defys the whole point of the playboy channel..... *sobs* give me them condoms... goodbye tara banks hello fat bitch from number 23.... *sob*
Well ok only if we split em.. i need some too stop the cleaner making complaints... hehhe

 

by duckass
12-13-02
A cave in afghanistan
sanjeet.. i finally believe i mite of evaded those friggin americans...
yesh osama... you really showed them...
but armid... the retaliation from australia is yet to arrive...
i shouldnt think they have much to offer my lord... they are a lazy country with lazy people.. eh...
a few hours later
OH NO.. ITS HAPPENING!!! MY CAVES.. MY PLANS!!! .. GAHH MY 3 INCH SAUSAUGE!!
well you thought rong you terrorist berstard.. TAKE THIS YOU SAN OF A BITCH FLAMIN GALLAHH!!!!

 

by duckass
12-13-02
in a street somewhere
Im better looking hooker than you
NO YOUR NOT
Im better looking prozzer than you
NO YOU ARENT!!
im better looking hooker than you
ARGH HOW CAN I COMPETE WITH THAT GOATEE.... MY LIFE IS OVER

 

by duckass
12-13-02
My name is Luke Chadwick.. i am very funny but scare little kiddies
My name is Phil Neville.. i live in a bin
My name is Rio Ferdinand i have a big lip and i cant play well for Man Utd to save my life
My name is roy keane and i am the kindest player in the premiership
I am the teem coach alex ferguson - a stupid jock and tend too give my players a good workout on a rollercoaster too keep them fit
My name is david beckham i am good at football but as thick as a piece of cotton... whoops.. i mean wool.. no no.. wood.

 

by duckass
12-13-02
At a Mcdonalds 'Restaurant'
urm...
hello what can i get you
urm... a Big King whooper with cheese, a KFC zinger burger and a stuffed crust pizza please
big king.. crust... urm sir... wouldnt you rather have a happy meal with a muppet character
VICTORY!! Watch out for more adventures coming soon..
hahah... you cant get the service i want.. my rights are valid in this situation... and persuadin me too buy things without using adverts.. ill see you in court.. i piss on ronalds face..
urm.. ill have to see the manager.. i only have two stars..

 

by duckass
12-14-02
At a SONY store
uh hello id like too report my PS2 has gone bust it wont play any discs i put in
ok can i see the discs you put in?
No i smashed them with my hammer after gettin so upset... urm they were super mario sunshine, halo, and a rod stewart L.P
urm the PS2 only takes PS2 compatible game discs, dvds and music cds
Hahah SONY is in the court nxt week for making false products that dont play my discs!! Your out of here quicker than carl lewis on a slippy crash bandicoot
Would you like a free demo disc?

 

by duckass
12-14-02
At a mattel warehouse
urm excuse me my fugatron 2000 has broken
Mary had a little lamb, its feet were white as snow and everywhere were mary went..
you see its keeps playing nursey rhymes i asked it too play rod stewart..
Im sorry sir but the fugatron is designed for 4 and under... so it plays nursey rhymes and recites the numbers and alaphabet and will now wiggle if you touch its belly
MATTEL IS GOING TO JAIL!!! It says on the box that this robot has advanced interaction so in that case it must play my records.. PLUS I FED IT CUSTARD AND IT REFUSED TO DIGEST IT! see you hell!!!!
the power rangers are doing video signings down at the mall you should check it out..

 

by duckass
12-14-02
At the pokemon store
On pokemon red my pikachu has been stunned by a venomoth!!
and..
i am having fits, developing nausea and going to a counseller all because of what happened!!
i dont know what you are talking about.. i have never played on the game look theres a guide over there...
AHAHAH!! stick that up your yellow backside pikachu POKEMON IS NO MORE!!! You refused too help me caused me emotional pain and suffering and obviously do not think highly of your products!! HI COURT!
look dude... how about watching pokemon this sunday its the one were that kid.. catches that creature

 

by duckass
12-14-02
god i need some porn.... ah trusty google.. p-o-r-n.. ahah good old boobies
BENJAMIN!!! see amuteurs on camera for first time??
YAARGHHHH!!!!! ARGHH!!! urmm urr arr.. ahah.. urghhh
ok ok... i do like a good drama.... do tell me when your finished dear... i need to find some information on sausage and meatballs ...
man, i m glad my grandma is partially sighted .. wait a minute... isnt that my great uncle ron jeremy??.. *gulp*

 

by duckass
12-20-02
THE MONKEY FUCKERS - KERRANG, Tuesday 9pm
HATE... WAR... SACRIFICE.... EAT MY MUTHAFUCKIN SHIT..
EAT MY MUTHAFUCKIN SHITT!!!!
THE MONKEY SPANKERS - MTV 2 ROCKS, Wednesday 6pm
SO I SAY GET OUT OF MY LIFE AND JUST FRIGGIN SHUT UP
THE MONKEES 2 - POPWORLD, Thursday 4pm
babyy.. yeh ooh hold me close.. now.. babyyy
i needdd your lurrvee.. i think icould break down and cry..

 

by duckass
12-20-02
Christmas Day - the NORTH POLE
OH HO HO HO!! SUPERELF IS HERE SUPERELF IS HERE!!!
come and sit on me lap laddie i gots a present for you.. I SUPERELF as the provider of christmas presents for major celebrities - santa, jesus, the tooth fairy, easter bunny and pacman, present to you
A pair of jesus' underpants and a toothfairy thong
SUPERELF YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF STEALING LIKE THAT!! *brrr* is it cold in here??
Somewhere in Heaven
SUPERELF!!!
yes lord.. here is your present for this year.. a pair of thermal woolly underpants with mini reindeer flashing lights on!!

 

by duckass
2-28-03
i have a tape to show you
i have a dvd player
after watching the tape on butchs vhs
did you get the call?
phone company cut me off 3 months ago

 

by duckass
3-02-03
now wered i put xbox?
excuse me i am bill gates... what would you be needing that 64.5667cm axe for?
me needs firewood
*snort snort* foolish cretin.. the xbox does not contain any substance of wood.. just pure power
A decapitation later...
result! me found firewood.. inside gates head!

 

by duckass
3-02-03
Hell, 30 years from now
spare change sir?
oh lord.. what forced you to be put down in such a way.. why you beg on the streets of hell??
tis the new boy in town.. hIM!! He arrived at the end of the windows age...
ARGHHHHH!!!!
someone asked about page layout?
SAVE ME SATAN!!

 

by duckass
3-03-03
At Henry's home
oh boy i heard there was a new craze at school.. The yoyo!
After school henry greets his flatmate colin
I am the champion... Me learnt walk the dog today
howd the hell you yoyo?? you is midget.. i spose moves that involve going over your head is the only things you can do..
you really should walk your dog henry.. its been a day since you last did it that yoyo is goin to your head
dog? you mean hamster? here hammy.. lets get a new time going round that big cardboard box outside

 

by duckass
3-04-03
i hate being default
yeh me two no one ever uses our faces
we just there to be changed
yeh they made me look like pochontas
people only use us if they cant be bothered changing stuff...
hmm

 

by duckass
6-29-03
AT SCARY FOOD INC
Ill have a coffee and a bag of domingos tacos please
We only serve scary food here
Im closing this joint down
Why?
Hairy food is not permitted. Whered u get it from your nose?
jerk

 

by duckass
6-29-03
sir u shud not be eating ice cream on the promenade
ill get my dad on you!
we'll ill sue you as well muthafucka!
The bitter end of the deaf cop
look out for that bus!
i said ice cream not slush puppie....

 

by duckass
6-29-03
*puff puff* gees... that war with the imac out back was hard... ive done in my spreadsheet..
you had a war with an imac? you lost alot of paint?
yeh and i can hardly surf cos of my strained mediaplayer
oh... did u win?
nah... ive got a real sore kazaa
ouch thats gotta hurt

 

by duckass
6-29-03
AT a JK Rowling book signing
excuse me but why doesnt your book contain any sex or drugs??
It's Harry Potter
ahum! drug references on the front of your books - harry POTter, Philosiphers STONEd, and then sex - CHAMBER of secrets, PRISONER of az.. whatever
and...
HAHA!! see you in court MUTHAMUGGLE! you are showing false happenngs on the front of your boooks!! I WIN!
have you got a book for me to sign?

 

by duckass
12-16-03
Saddams hole near Tikrit
oh im so glad its nearly christmas wife number 34
why sad - i thought you didnt celebrate christmas
i can fly around the world as saddam claus, drop anthrax in chimneys and hide in the north pole away from those americans!
you are a genius - mixing christmas and chemical warfare together.
10 minutes later
holy allah.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP!

 

by duckass
12-16-03
THE CIRCUS
oh god! what am i doing!
im working in a circus! Im A DOG WITH CLOTHES ON! I WEAR SPEEDOS!
well at least you aint 2 foot 6 and wear patronising clothes like dwarfy
I GET PAID IN CHICKEN TESTICLES! SOMEONE SHOOT ME!
oh.. i just realised why are you talking?

 

by duckass
12-17-03
This is the happiest day of my life. Finally my wife has given birth
Like what shall we call the little baby?
ga ga
Spencer? No i was bullied by a spencer. John? Bullied by him too. Henry? No stuck head down toilet TOO many times...
james. No. tim. no. FINALLY I HAVE THE ANSWER! Spiderman! Oh the joy! Someone he can relate too!
Bad idea Cecil. That guy in the spiderman costume kept stealing your glasses you at last years comics convention.

 

by duckass
12-17-03
hey blitz ready for the big night? Not long now!
what big night? whos blitz?
2 days later
hows the preparations going? Its all busy in the workshop!
????
Come on blitz lets get you buckled up - you have big night!
what? isnt this the north polish raindance society? When do we get onto that dance with the legs?

 

by duckass
12-17-03
im so glad i made it. Its been along journey!
oh gandalf - theres along way to go yet. we must return the hobbits to mordor!
oh gandalf thank goodness your back!
back from what? my house? who are you?
YOU WILL NOW BE CRUSHED GANDALF!
im pretty sure this isnt lancing roots - fellowship of the garden fork? No? Hey please not the gallows!

 

by duckass
12-18-03
Becoming prime minister of america is going to be great exciting fun... just think!
Ill get to bust street crime! And get to congratulate superman!
Greet Aliens coming to Americash! But best of all act like a chimp whenever i want! YEHAW!
iraq policies

 

by duckass
12-18-03
Nintendo HQ
Ok buttheads, how the hell are we gonna shift more gamecubes? King Boo ? Yoshi? Mario?
More colours!
More MUSHROOMS!
More of a-me!
No NO AND NO! Meet your new boss - BILL GATES!
microsoft gamecube. Lets change mario to billio, king boo to king windows, and yoshi to windowsmediadino.

 

by duckass
12-18-03
Your dog is dead, your sons have run off too join a satanist cult and your town is about to be hit by the biggest storm in years
ARGHHH!!! Poor poor lassie! ARGH! i always encouraged them to go to church! CRIPES! Ive run outta nails and wood planks!
What do you do? We meet a women in mexico who did just that. Coming up at 5.

 

by duckass
12-18-03
Meet John and Chuck. Please your views on food.
A good bit of roast beef never did anyway no harm
french fries.
Your views on Iraq.
Well we should of gone to war. I still think bush is a chimp though
nuke em all
Your views on each other.

 

by duckass
12-22-03
welcome to queerzville
yo homie
wazzuuuuuuuuuppppp i like to poo on peoples faces
ugugug
ive never cum over a little queer before
yo
y so grim?
squark?

 

by duckass
5-17-04
In Bugs basement
Hey man lets form a band
Totally awesome idea dude.
Ok lets call it Mutallica, that seems a cool name.
Well i had bleck sabbath, iron muyden and guns and poses but yeh - thats cool
Later that day
YES! We got out first gig!
yes! my god we are musical geniuses!

 

by duckass
5-17-04
At the gig
Master of Muppets is pulling his strings!
Later
shit dude, everyone left after 2 minutes!
i wonder why?
You reckon it has to do with the us just playing our cd and not appearing?
No, no.... Of course! I forgot to put the bass boost on!

 

by duckass
5-17-04
2 years later
Its just not working dude. Weve been going two years and our album sold 3 copies.
3's better than none.
Dude, a kid knocked them off the shelve at HMV and their dad had to pay for the broken items.
hmm. ok. Maybe we should increase too 4 members. Or buy a drumkit? A bass maybe?
The End
killing yourself gets you respect and sells albums. dude. DUDE?!??!

 

by duckass
5-17-04
There is a totally different dimension not so far away from us. Its called - Earth II... Meet its residents
Dude, da mozart is some wicked shit man!
I beg your pardon young squire! The only half decent musique around nowadays is the darkness. Such elegeness. Such clars!
God i love that osama bin laden! He just cut taxes and is giving free grants too all students!
what a guy! I heard he is planning an attack on those terrorists in Lapland!
Woo i took some crazy shit last night!
Yeh so did I - i took tic tacs. Man they gave me one hell of a trip!

 

by duckass
8-31-04
hey... Did you hear about that shoplifting incident at the store?
erm.. no
One robber stole a battery... the other a firework..
oh..
One got charged.. the other got let off!
Is it hunting season yet?

 

by duckass
8-31-04
I used to own a paper factory..
oh?
Until it blew away!!
oh
good eh? eh??

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