All comics by faggot

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by faggot
7-05-07
Hey Dave, guess what?
What?
Guess.
I don't know.
God help you Dave, guess what.

 

by faggot
7-05-07
Hey Danny.
Hey Steve.
Last weekend was crazy. These two hot latinas sucked my cock while I ate this blond out.
Damn, where do you meet this girls?
Girls?

 

by faggot
7-05-07
Hey Steve, what's on your mind?
Well Barry, I think I might be gay.
What makes you think that?
Well I woke up this morning with considerable anal tearage and my mouth tastes like male ass.
Suck my cock.
Pleasure doing business with you Barry.

 

by faggot
7-05-07
Hey nigger. Outta my fucking way.
Back in the good old days, I would have fuckin hung you from a goddamn tree and sucked your limp, lifeless cock.
What?
I said, I would have fuckin hung you from a goddamn tree and ripped off your limp, lifeless cock.
Oh, that's ok then.

 

by faggot
7-06-07
I was just at a party last night and I hooked up with this girl I knew from school. well anyway as we left she took me into her car.
Well as we started making out, she unzipped my pants, put her hand on my dick and as soon as she touched it I immediatly came and started farting.
Uh.

 

by faggot
7-06-07
I sucked a man's cock today, Alan.
Did he pay you?
He gave me some McDonalds gift certificates.
Hell, I'll bite. Get on your knees.

 

by faggot
7-06-07
Hey Bert.
'Ey man. How are you today?
Not too good Bert. I sucked two cocks today.
Hey man, if you're gay, that's fine with me.
Are you questioning my masculinity, Bert?

 

by faggot
7-06-07
Hello Sir, can I intrest you in some discount Astrolube?
Look, I told you people, I don't want what you're selling.
If you just pull down your pants, I can apply it to your thick, juicy cock.
Woah woah WOAH. Slow down man!
Oh, you didn't order a gay male prostitute? 105 W. Almond Drive?
That's next door. Although I have some cash if you care to come inside.

 

by faggot
7-06-07
Hey Dave. Another day, another dollar. You know what I mean, Dave?
You mean that as a male prostitute in a rich American suburb you have no choice but to charge ridiculously low prices for blowjobs despite the fact that they're worth 20 dollars at least?
No, no that's not really what I meant at all, Dave.
Suck my cock.

 

by faggot
7-06-07
Hey Harry, look. I really don't know who else to ask.
Yeah?
How do you deal with being a homosexual in a mostly anti-gay world?
I get fools like you to suck my cock.
No.
Fuck you.

 

by faggot
7-06-07
Hey mister squirrel. How are you today?
I'm doing great, actually. The wife gave me some money for poker night with the boys tonight. She even gave me extra to get a beer. We had sex 3 times today.
Huh. My wife is a penny pinching bitch. I'm on a personal budget of a dollar a day. Plus, she never puts out.
Well my wife is dead.
I keep her corpse in a freezer with some lube and my cash.

 

by faggot
7-07-07
Hot Blond Sucks a Big Cock
1000 Free Smiles At Your Disposal!!
Well it appears you have 18 Trojans and too many Keygens to count.
How can this BE?

 

by faggot
7-07-07
Woah!! Where am I?
You're thousands of miles above the earth you puny human. We are going to observe you for the next week.
Are you going to have to use the anal probe?
No, we're just going to put you through a few endurance tests.
Are...are you sure? Because I totally wouldn't fight the anal probe.

 

by faggot
7-08-07
Heh-heh. My "horn broken, watch for finger" bumper sticker is sure to shock and offend everybody who might be driving behind me.
Haha! This clever and witty "horn broken, watch for finger" bumper sticker expresses my unique wit and impeccable sense of humor on the back of my car.
Hey, look at that guy's bumper sticker!
So, stealing my ideas, eh ASSHOLE?

 

by faggot
7-08-07
This sure is a nice vacation that mom and dad let us go on!
Yeah. And all by ourselves!
Just you, me, the waves, and this coconut tree.
Which happens to be our only supply of food.
Do you think that most vacations last any more 6 months?
I hope that they don't, because we're running out of coconuts.

 

by faggot
2-13-08
why are you hammering that nail into your head
well you see, i'm in a set position. i'd stop if i could, as it's really quite painful
but you can't feel pain. neither can i. we're just static images without a mind or any kind of sensory perception
then how are we having this conversation right now
we're not. an anonymous user is simply typing what we say. we're not even talking about this at all. we can't because we're images
now i feel like shit great job asshole

 

by faggot
2-13-08
sorry to completely upset your entire concept of reality
but according to you i can't even begin to think about reality because of the fact that i'm not a living being at all
in fact, you didn't explain anything to me at all, and even if you did i wouldn't be able to comprehend it because i'm a two dimensional figure
holy shit
now you know how it feels motherfucker

 

by faggot
2-13-08
i'm totally freaking out right now dude
no you're not
once again, all the author of this comic is doing is typing a few words to represent conversation between us, even though we couldn't independantly converse
stop it STOP IT
i'm not doing anything, i don't exist

 

by faggot
2-13-08
hey dude check it out, i've broken free of the laws of reality by taking the nail out of my head
naw man the author just changed how you look
holy shit he can't do that can he
he sure can, you're just suffering under the illusion that you're in control due to the fact that you can't fully comprehend dimensions greater than your own
i'm not suffering under the illusion of anything because i'm not alive

 

by faggot
2-13-08
i just had a scary thought. if the guy writing our lives can change our appearance around, can he destroy us altogether
no dude even if completely different people take up residence in this box we call our home, our sense of self isn't destroyed
that's a relief
also we don't exist so yeah that was pretty pointless considering we don't have a sense of self or reside anywhere really
i'm so confused i want to die

 

by faggot
2-13-08
enough with the bullshit, we need to get to work
we have jobs?
yeah we work in a shitty mail room for a huge corporation that doesn't exist
see you on my lunch break
that doesn't exist either
great now i have nothing to look forward to

 

by faggot
2-13-08
steve, i'd suggest you get to work immediately unless you want to be picking up an unemployment check this month
i don't even exist boss. neither do you. what's the point?
12 dollars an hour is the point
yes sir
good man

 

by faggot
2-13-08
huh, i wonder what kind of mail the staff sends to each other here
hey alison, want to fuck and suck like last night? lets make it late at night though, we dont want anyone to find out about this, i definitely don't want to lose my job over your nice cunt.
hey alison you know pete has crabs right
oh my god no

 

by faggot
2-13-08
I'm not your first roommate, eh?
No, no, I've had a few others.
3 hours later
...and then there's the asshole who pissed on my TV so I slit his throat.
How many does that make?
42.

 

by faggot
2-13-08
so chum, any plans on how to escape this confounding dimension
we could try screaming really loud
AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGHGHGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
what just happened
dude i am FREAKIN OUT

 

by faggot
2-14-08
happy valentine's day chuck
fuck valentine's day, it's a day invented by corporations to sell boxes of candy, disgusting cards, and stuffed bears
i don't have a valentine either but i'm not a fucking jerk
will you be my valentine

 

by faggot
2-14-08
i'm sorry mrs jeffers, we did everything we could to save your husband's life
not really
i tried injecting some air into him to help him breathe but that didn't work so i tried removing his lungs but yeah

 

by faggot
2-14-08
look at that stupid nigger, all he does all day is eat fried chicken and fuck bitches stupid enough to sleep with a disgusting darkie
god that fucking whore behind me is one of those racist fucks who won't talk shit about me to my face isn't she
god you stupid piece of shit i hope you catch aids from one of those slutty white girls who thinks it's ok to sleep with porch monkeys like you
what a whore, i hope you get shot by someone who has less sense than i do. if you're going to be a racist, don't be a fuckin pussy about it and just get out of my sight
wanna fuck
totally

 

by faggot
2-14-08
i am the you of the future
do i lose my virginity in the future
you lose your virginity to a fat black woman you met while buying a sofa from craigslist
well is it sensual and erotic
you rape her. that's kind of what i'm here to warn you about
uh oh

 

by faggot
2-14-08
steve, you have to help me. this dude comes from the future and says i lose my virginity to a fat black woman and i rape her and now i guess i'm on the run from the cops
that's ridiculous, you were dreaming
no dude he's here seriously
get the nail out of your head will you
i'm scared it'll hurt!

 

by faggot
2-14-08
A-Ha! Caught you red handed!
Because your hands are bloody from being nailed up there so long.
Get it?
I get it.

 

by faggot
2-14-08
oh my fucking god where are we
it would appear that we're trapped in a tesseract. like that movie cube 2: hypercube
i never saw that movie
well these people all end up in this tesseract, a 4 dimensional cube, and try to escape but time works differently and the rooms keep moving around, and there's all these really cool traps
how's it end
everyone dies

 

by faggot
2-14-08
how are we going to get out of here
well in the movie the tesseract's alternate realities began to cave in on each other, and it broke down at exactly 6:06:59. the only way out is jumping out of the last door left at that time
oh yeah, but since time works really weird it could be years before we get out. we'll probably have to eat our alternate reality versions of ourselves
wait dude, this is just the photography studio on the 3rd floor
just when i was looking forward to finding out what people taste like

 

by faggot
2-14-08
look, what do i have to do to prevent myself from raping this woman you're talking about
well i'd advise you lose your virginity now without raping anyone
but i have no spine, it's impossible to ask anyone out for me
i know dude, that's why i raped her
you're not helping

 

by faggot
2-14-08
hey jon, did you have something to tell me?
i was thinking maybe sometime
you know if you're not too busy, because believe me i'd understand because i have a busy schedule too right so it's totally ok if not but uh
please suck my cock

 

by faggot
3-02-08
Oh, how I hate my life...sometimes I wish I had never been born.
Jon, I am your Guardian Angel.
And you're here to show me what the world would be like if I had never been born?
No, I'm here to tell you to look out for that car.
Uh oh.

 

by faggot
3-02-08
So after masturbating furiously to all the child porn on my hard drive, I broke your girlfriend's femur bones with an axe and raped her and killed her.
Then I realized that I needed to dispose of the body so I went into a McDonald's and forced the fry cooks to cook her into burgers.
Then I drove all the way here, shot your mom, and slit your dog's throat.

 

by faggot
3-02-08
Me on the left.
lmfao in science we have to graph acceleration of a cheetah, and i just imagine him running with a panicked look on his face gettin his dick sucked like "FUCK".
dude thats actually fun. better than what im doing anyways
what you doin
how animals gather energy. i cant wait till we get to reproduction, i can imagine myself laughing wheneve i read the word sperm.
i hate the word sperm
or testes

 

by faggot
3-02-08
Man, I've been lost in the desert for days. I wish someone would come and rescue me...I need water.
Actually, if you were lost for DAYS, which implies a few more days than two or three, you'd be dead from the lack of water.
Wow, you're a stupid fucking asshole.

 

by faggot
3-02-08
It's pitch black outside. A perfect night for a perfect break-in!
Actually, I can see quite clearly from here that it's still the middle of the day. Go fuck yourself.
Wow, you're a stupid fucking asshole.
Can I have your mask?

 

by faggot
3-02-08
*Sniff* I can't believe I have AIDS. I'm only ten. Why did Mom have to rape me?
I have a little joke that'll cheer you up. It goes like this: If I ever had AIDS, I'd try to stay POSITIVE.
You're a stupid fucking asshole.
I know right.

 

by faggot
3-03-08
OK sis, I gotta watch you for an hour. What do ye wanna do?
Watch TV???
Fair enough. Where's the remote?
It's in your fucking face.

 

by faggot
3-03-08
Someone give me a handjob.

 

by faggot
6-09-08
Jon, you're never going to guess what I did last week.
Did you buy a new phone? Did you get a '67 mustang for free off the side of the road? Did you go to Chuck E. Cheese and say it was your birthday even though it wasn't? Did you eat a booger?
No.
What did you do last week?
I killed a man. I killed a man last week.

 

by faggot
6-09-08
Gee, that was some pretty good soup you made last night.
I MADE THAT SOUP FROM THE CUM OF 1000 DEMON DICKS, AND THE MEATBALLS FROM THE TESTES OF THE DEFORMED UNBORN SON OF A PRIEST'S WIFE.
Can't you ever just take a fucking compliment?
I HAVE LOW SELF-ESTEEM BECAUSE MY MOTHER NEVER HELD ME

 

by faggot
6-09-08
Momma, I broke your vase. I'm sorry.
Sorry doesn't cut it this time Timmy.
God, sometimes you make me so mad I could just kill you.
And since I killed Timmy, everything really settled down.
I killed my kids years ago, and the peace and quiet is just so nice.

 

by faggot
6-09-08
Hey Chen, I just heard that you were gay.
Yes, that's true.
Could I just ask you then, please don't spread any of your homosexual propaganda around the office? I'm not homophobic, but I just think it's weird for two guys to have sex.
That's actually exactly what homophobia is.
That's great, I'm just going to check for cum stains in your office now.
Go for it.

 

by faggot
6-09-08
Hey Steve, did you buy that new car you wanted?
No, I actually bought 20 hookers.
How'd that work out?
Well, they said we should go back to my place but I was all I don't own a house so they're all oh well let's just do it in your car and I was like I spent all my money on 20 hookers.
You really should have just bought the new car.
Then I would have never had sex!

 

by faggot
6-09-08
Give it to me straight, Doc. Does Steve have cancer?
Jon, I'm afraid your friend is going to die.
Oh my god.
In 40-50 years depending on how well he takes care of himself.
Ha Ha Ha
Ha Ha Ha

 

by faggot
6-10-08
what did the dinosaur say to the black man?
nothing; black people can't talk
...
so the rumors are true.

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