All comics by hughlloyd

Profile

 

by hughlloyd
7-11-05
Oh what a cute little squirrel!
Well I'll be damned! It's a terrorist!!!
ALLAH AKBAR!!!
A TERRRORIST squirrel!
Please don't hurt me Mr. Terrorist!!! I'm but a lowly wage slave!
You shall die for your insolence!
Poor Mr. Robot!
Oh no!
PAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

 

by hughlloyd
7-11-05
Oh my stars, are you alright?
Quite alright, my good man! This trash can has been my luxurious home for the past 20 years! People give me free food as well!
They're not giving it to you, they're throwing it away! IN THE TRASH CAN! The one you call your home!
Goodness! I never knew! Perhaps it's time to relocate to some higher-class surroundings!
Higher-class indeed! How did you afford such a place?
Not paying rent or buying food for the last 20 years helped, I'd wager!!!

 

by hughlloyd
7-11-05
Jeez! My eyes are all crazy today! Maybe even KRAZY!
And I'm a penguin! A WHORE penguin! We should go out sometime!
Gosh! You're a whore TOO? We should DEFINITELY go out... right now!
Teeheehee!
So... what do you do for a living?
I'm a whore! Teeheehee!

 

by hughlloyd
7-11-05
Farmer Fred says hello to the piggy, but the piggy's wary!
Howdy there, little piggy! I ain't gonna hurt ya!
Keep your distance, Farmer Fred! Your Jedi mind tricks won't work on me!
Farmer Fred tries to allay the little piggy's fears but fails!
Jedi mind tricks!?!? Piggy, where do you get these crazy notions!
Maybe it's that twinkle in your eye... I just don't trust it, or you!
Farmer Fred admits his foul misdeeds!
Awwww shucks, you got me! I AM a Jedi!
And I'm a piggy! And you're going to jail for THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!

 

by hughlloyd
7-12-05
Heya there, Sally Sue! How ya doing today?
Oh, pretty good! May I interest you in sexual relations?
No you certainly may NOT, you vile wench!
Why not? You can't pleasure a woman with your hard metallic penis?
No :(

 

by hughlloyd
7-12-05
Why HELLO there, sweetcans! May I interest you in a cold, refreshing beer?
No, I'm sorry! May I interest you in a pair of pants?
No, I'm sorry! You may interest me in a thong, however!
You're a regular charmer! I'll be right back!
Oh my goodness... never have I seen such a wondrous creation!
Hey baby, looking for a good time?

 

by hughlloyd
7-12-05
Hey Santa, it's me, Brad Pitt! You may know me from such films as "Fight Club" and "Oceans Eleven"!
Why HELLO Bradley, it's so nice to finally meet you in person!
What are you up to Santa? And by that I mean... who are you, really?
You may know me as...
SATAN!
I sold my soul to you years ago and you never said anything?! You BASTARD!

 

by hughlloyd
7-12-05
Kung-Fu Hooker in... JAILBREAK!
Kung-Fu Hooker in... JAILBREAK!
Kung-Fu Hooker! I'm saved!
Don't worry Jesus, I'll get you out of there in no time!
Kung-Fu Hooker in... JAILBREAK!
Damn! There appears to be metal bars in the way!

 

by hughlloyd
7-12-05
Damn varmints, eating my produce! You're gonna get what you deserve!
I sincerely apologize, my good man! I had no idea that Mother Nature granted YOU her produce!
Oh, a fancy-talking varmint, is it? It won't make a difference when I turn you into stew!
My goodness! Such hostility over a simple carrot! If we must resort to fisticuffs, then fisticuffs it shall be!
What have I done! He didn't have to die for this! Woe is me!

 

by hughlloyd
7-12-05
Oh my stars, what a strange dream that was!
How deilghtful! Tourists! I'd like to give you a warm welcome...
TO HELL!
What the dickens!

 

by hughlloyd
7-12-05
Hello Mr. Monk, would you like to comment on the latest Buddhist uprising?
No, I wouldn't! However, I would like you to leave this sacred temple immediately!
Don't you know who I am? I'm Tom Brokaw! From NBC Nightly News!
I'm afraid you're mistaken... what you are is dead!
Son of a BITCH!

 

by hughlloyd
7-12-05
Hey there, sweetie!
Hey there... stranger!
Um, yah! Anyway! I was wondering if we could go out sometime?
An interesting proposition! Let me think about that one for a minute...
After two seconds and much careful thought, Sarah makes up her mind!
HELL NO!

 

by hughlloyd
7-12-05
Have I ever told you how much of a whore you are?
Have I ever told you how much of an alcoholic you are?
Probably! But have I ever told you how much of a whore you are?
I'm not sure! Maybe you should refresh my memory!
You're so whorey that the cops had to put that "crime scene" tape right across your dirty whore cunt!
Oh Cletus, you really know how to sweettalk a girl! C'mere, let me give you herpes!

 

by hughlloyd
7-12-05
Pray tell, stranger, who might you be?
Don't you recognize me, Anders? It's me, Hugh!
Oh my golly gosh! Why didn't you say say so! Come in, come in!
Mmm! Every bit as succulent as I remember!
Where do you keep your chains and other such naughty devices?

 

by hughlloyd
7-12-05
Kung-Fu Hooker in... SHIPWRECKED!
My word, I do believe that this ship is rigged with explosives! Whatever shall we do, Kung-Fu Hooker?
Defuse the explosives, of course! Stay here!
To be continued!
Goodness, what a large rocket! I don't know whether to defuse it or mount it!

 

by hughlloyd
7-12-05
Kung-Fu Hooker in... SHIPWRECKED!
Oh no! My forceful gyrations have triggered the detonation device! I must escape before it's too late!
To be continued!
That rocket was the best lover I ever had...

 

by hughlloyd
7-12-05
Kung-Fu Hooker in... SHIPWRECKED!
It's a good thing I'm a Special Olympics swimmer!
To be continued!
Hello there, Mr. Pirate! I appear to be shipwrecked! Could you please help me get back to my home?
Yargh, but first ye'll have to help me...

 

by hughlloyd
7-12-05
Kung-Fu Hooker in... SHIPWRECKED!
So what is it that you need, Mr. Pirate?
Ye must destroy tha large tentacle monster that lives under tha sea! Ye'll know it when ye see it, fer obvious reasons!
To be continued!
My liege! The pirates have recruited Kung-Fu Hooker to do their bidding!
No matter! I will devour her like the rest!

 

by hughlloyd
7-12-05
Kung-Fu Hooker in... SHIPWRECKED!
Take me to this "tentacle monster" or face the consequences!
You insufferable wretch! He is more powerful than you could ever know or understand!
To be continued!
Excuse me? I know kung fu... and I'm a hooker! Eat gonorrhea, sharkface!
OH MY GOD IT BURNS!!!

 

by hughlloyd
7-12-05
Kung-Fu Hooker in... SHIPWRECKED!
I've been tasked to end your pathetic existence! Nothing shall I ever savor more!
I don't know about that! I heard your gyrations with the rocket were pretty wild!
To be continued!
I'd strangle the very life out of you if my arms were longer!
Just as I would slap your booty if I could move my tentacles! Alas!

 

by hughlloyd
7-12-05
Kung-Fu Hooker in... SHIPWRECKED!
We appear to be at a stalemate, tentacle monster!
Indeed we do! How shall we resolve this predicament?
To be continued!
I imagine that if you stopped molesting pirates, they wouldn't mind you so much!
I imagine that if I stopped molesting pirates, my life would have no purpose! But perhaps you are right! Fare thee well, Kung-Fu Hooker!

 

by hughlloyd
7-12-05
Kung-Fu Hooker in... SHIPWRECKED!
The tentacle monster will bother you no more!
Yargh, that be good news to hear! Now take me vessel and be off with ya!
The end! Or is it...
That was easy... almost TOO easy!
This looks remarkably similar to the ship blown up by her top-notch gyrations... there must be a conspiracy afoot!

 

by hughlloyd
7-12-05
What might you be, then?
I do believe myself to be a ghost!
Oh my goodness, a ghost! I'd best pinch my arm and wake myself from this dream!
Dream? Exactly what dream are you referring to?
This one!
Oh, of course! My apologies!

 

by hughlloyd
7-13-05
My goodness, I'm in dire need of sustenance! The life of a starving artist is painful at best!
In such situations, I feel obliged to remind you that you live with your parents and thus you have access to free food!
My longing results from a conscious choice, my good man! I was simply informing you of the ramifications of that choice, not asking for food!
I would certainly hope not! If you were, I might have stabbed you with some form of rusty kitchen utensil!
You'd do that to a starving artist? You're certainly the world's worst creation since Geraldo Rivera!
Your pointed words have left me as nothing more than the empty shell of what I once was or HOPED TO BE!

 

by hughlloyd
7-13-05
Oh, how delighful! The sun is shining brightly! This will be a day to cherish for all time!
Good heavens! Can it be? Truly the stars are aligned properly!
To be continued!
Fluffbuffles, you've returned from your journey! This calls for catfish nuggets, I do believe!

 

by hughlloyd
7-13-05
I can scarcely believe it's really you, Fluffbuffles! I trust you have defeated the evil Lord Meowmix?
Well, I'd better get those nuggets in the skillet before they decompose any more!
To be continued!
Pahahaha! Foolish grandmother was unable to see through my clever disguise! She will pay for her mistake with her very life!

 

by hughlloyd
7-13-05
Oh dear! The nuggets have sat out too long! They're as inedible
Don't worry, my dear woman! Your flesh will more than suffice!
I suppose we could always go out to eat, then! I'll be down in a minute!
No, you'll be DEAD in a minute!
To be continued!
Puwahahahaha!

 

by hughlloyd
7-13-05
I'm so clever and evil!
Doo de doo de doo! What's that smell? Catfish nuggets! Awesome!
To be continued!
Graaaaaaaandma, I'm huuuuuungry!

 

by hughlloyd
7-13-05
You're hungry, dear? Me and Flufbuffles were just about to go out to eat! You can come with us if you like!
Fluffbuffles!? Haven't you heard? Lord Meowmix tore him to bits!
Good heavens! So who's this up here with me then?
I have a sneaking suspicion that it's Lord Meowmix!
Oh DEAR!
I'll save you, grandma!

 

by hughlloyd
7-13-05
Kung Fu Hooker in... GRANNY RESCUE
I can't leave her alone for a minute, it would seem! Time to make that naughty kitty purr, or something of that nature!
Your effort to save your grandhmother is reminiscent of a hooker such as yourself hoping to not be pregnant... UTTERLY DOOMED TO FAILURE!

 

by hughlloyd
7-13-05
Thank heavens you arrived!
Thank catfish nuggets, actually! Now, on to more pressing matters! Where did Lord Meowmix go?
I believe he mentioned that he needed to empty his bladder!
The fool won't escape if I have anything to say about it! Stay here!
Man, I've had some wild adventures atop that glorious throne! Memories!

 

by hughlloyd
7-13-05
You shall pay in blood for your foul misdeeds! I hope you're prepared to meet your maker, cretin!
Meow?
I'm sorry, I only stroke paying customers!
First and foremost the professional, eh? That'd be respectful if you weren't a hooker!
Being a hooker is simply a cover for my assassination missions! I have gonorrhea only to seem realistic!
Oh... that makes it so much more wholesome!

 

by hughlloyd
7-13-05
Gonorrhea spray, activate!
My eyes! The burning sensation is unparalleled!
Don't run, you'll only make it worse for yourself!
I'm not sure it's possible that it could get worse than gonorrhea in my eyes!
You won't get away from me!

 

by hughlloyd
7-13-05
Oh my GOD! Never before have I seen one so big!
And never shall you again! That is to say, it was the last one you'll see! Because you'll be dead, or something along those lines!
Abigor, please have mercy! I will satisfy you sexually, just let me live!
If only it were that simple! You see, you're incapable of giving me such satisfaction while your veins still pump herpes!
It's a good thing not everyone's as picky as you, then!

 

by hughlloyd
7-13-05
Unfortunately, Lord Meowmix refused to let me kill you!
Then it appears we are at a stalemate!
It would appear that way, yes! However, I solved that problem!
Oh? And how did you do that?
It's a simple puzzle! Even a small child could figure it out! However, since you still seem at a loss, I'll tell you! I just killed him first!
Certainly the Force will be thrown into disarray!

 

by hughlloyd
7-13-05
Perhaps you are right, but at least I'll get the satisfaction of devouring your liver!
We'll see about that!
Don't run, you'll only make it worse for yourself!
We'll see about that, too!
You won't get away from me!

 

by hughlloyd
7-13-05
No! It can't be! Please, I promise to leave you alone! You'll never see me again!
Not good enough!
Noooooooooooooo!!!!!
Kung Fu Hooker!
Sarah, you saved me! I love you THIS much! That's a lot of love, I think!

 

by hughlloyd
7-13-05
How did you know I needed help?
I didn't! I just smelled catfish nuggets and HAD to let myself in!
Yeah, they're pretty freakin' awesome!
Yeah they are!
... you're pretty tall!
Yeah I am!

 

by hughlloyd
7-13-05
Oh, you survived!
Barely! If Sarah hadn't have gotten there, I'd have been DONE for!
I hear you get done quite a bit, though!
What do you mean by that?
I mean... Sarah's one cool person!
Yeah she is!

 

by hughlloyd
7-14-05
Yes, I am so very diabolical and clever! The world will never know what hit them!
What krazy ass jive are you talkin' foo?
Well! I'm used to being rejected by the lady types, but never by a mod team! Accordingly, I must exact my sweet revenge!
Fo sheezy! Sounds like I better hop on this bandwagon... by making the IRC channel!
Very well, you may assist me in this endeavor! Now leave me, I must map! And map like the dickens I shall!
Fo realz!

 

by hughlloyd
7-14-05
Blast! I shall never defeat them! I am but one man, whereas they have several cretins in their employ!
Shut yo krazy ass mouth, cracka! I'll find some peeps to help you out!
That would be most delightful indeed! Thank you for your help, kind stranger!
Don't mention it, fo realz! Look out, here comes my phat-town posse!
Hello there! Have you come to assist me in my esteemed endeavors?
You say that so casually! I would do anything to save Frodo from the fiery pits of Mordor!

 

by hughlloyd
7-14-05
With our combined strength, we will most certainly be unstoppable! Tell me, what skills do you possess?
I can chat on IRC and eat food and ALSO... model skinning?
You are indeed a formidable force in your own right! Now, make cool stuff or something similar!
Yes, my master!
Master! That has a nice ring to it, if I do say so myself!
Yeah, it really does! So, Master, how about you do some work too?

 

by hughlloyd
7-14-05
Excuse me, what was that?
I said you should do some work, too... you know, "United we stand, amigos!" and all that?
Where do you learn of such strange concepts?
I'm pretty sure it's called "common sense!" I suppose it is a rather arcane concept, though!
It certainly sounds that way, yes!
Yeah, it really does! So, Master, when you getting around to doing that work?

 

by hughlloyd
7-14-05
After I take a break, I imagine! I've been mapping for almost 15 minutes today!
Yeah, you definitely deserve a break! I had no idea you'd been working so hard! Accept my apologies!
Accepted! Now, to take a break!
I think I'll join you!
Good heavens! Has it been 15 minutes already?
I believe it has!

 

by hughlloyd
7-14-05
Well then! To IRC we shall go!
Hurray! You are truly a most kind and generous man!
You get anything done today? I mapped a room, but it kinda sucked so I deleted it!
And repeat interminably!
I watched a most awesome episode of Full Metal Alchemist! Talking chimeras! Made from people!

 

by hughlloyd
7-14-05
Are you prepared for an invasion... of zombies!?!?
God knows I'm ready! I've been waiting for years!
I'm getting my gear at Christmas... a bunch of kevlar armor and a sword!
Nice! I've got an old shotgun and a baseball bat, those fuckers wont take me alive!
Well, that's the point! Make sure you have lots of ammo!
You're right! I plan on getting some grenades if my Houston contacts come through... lure them into one area.... BAM, FUCKERS! BAM!

 

by hughlloyd
7-14-05
Do you know when they're expected to strike?
Well, hopefully not until after the holidays!
Good thinking! Let those people out there have a little Christmas cheer before all that they thought was real and holy becomes their worst nightmare!
What should we do!?!?
We need to launch a preemptive strike and destroy all the cemeteries! But no one will take us seriously... all we can do is rally the faithful and prepare for the worst!

 

by hughlloyd
7-14-05
We'll have to fortify the schools! At least we aren't dealing with vampires here... goddamned spawns of Satan killed my whole family back in '87!
How are you still alive, then?
The sun came up as they were searching my crib!
That's good timing!
Divine intervention always is!

 

by hughlloyd
7-14-05
I'm scared, Hugh... I'm real scared!
Don't be scared man... unless the zombies get guns!
No, they aren't smart enough... unless they're hybrids with wings!
Well, if they're hybrids, I bet the sun would still kick their ass!
Oh shit, you're right! You are right on the money, Mr. Jenkins!

 

by hughlloyd
7-14-05
Amazing how we apply logic to killing undead hybrids! I bet Osama is their leader!
I heard Al-Qaeda in Austrian means "zombie!" It's all coming together! George W. Bush is a robot set on world domination! It makes total sense!
But who's the bigger enemy, the robots or the zombies!?
What do you mean by that?
Maybe we can use them!
NO! We must destroy the robots AND the zombies AND the banshees AND the vampires AND the mummies AND the Jews... all in one fell swoop!

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