All comics by krandall

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by krandall
5-20-08
Let me guess. You got me... your dick in a box.
Heh...
Well...
A dick, anyway.

 

by krandall
5-20-08
This tylenol doesn't work at all. It's actually making the pain worse.
Hmm. Well, I'll tell you what I'll do.
For another $500, I'll sell you this de-stressing massage oil.

 

by krandall
5-22-08
Man, last night was awesome, but damn, does my ass ever hurt. What the fuck happened?
Ah, shit! It's getting worse! I can't even sit down anymore!
That's the last time I party with Dave.

 

by krandall
5-22-08
So, Li-li, is it true you're dating a gynecologist?
I didn't say he was a gynecologist.
But you said he performed an episiotomy on you.
He did.
Ah. I get it now.
You gonna, bitch. You gonna.

 

by krandall
5-22-08
My new boyfriend is nine.
So? My new boyfriend is 13.
Wow, Li-li. You're dating a thirteen-year-old!?
Oh. You were talking about age?
Have you seen, my girlfriend? She's a little asian chick.
I seen the top of that bitch's head, muthafucka!

 

by krandall
5-22-08
According to your test results, Mr. Jackson, you have forty-five different strains of V. D. At this point, even getting an erection could kill you.
Don't think about breasts... don't think about breasts...
Mr. Jackson? Please look at me when I'm talking to you. Mr. Jackson!
Ah, shit. Here goes...
I better take your temperature. You look a little warm.
AHHH! It burns!

 

by krandall
5-23-08
Behind me are the names of all the people you effected when you murdered those 65 teens at Camp Slashatittenhaff.
Uh-oh...
You see, when you commit a sin, it's not just the victim that endures untold misery. It's everyone that cares about them too.
...and?
Oh. No, this isn't some sort of ironic punishment or anything. We just wanted to say thanks. Great job, Butch.
Say... this guy's got nice breasts...

 

by krandall
5-24-08
OK. On the count of three, we do this whole family. Ready!? One...
Wait! Wait!
What is it now?
What comes after two again?
Dammit! This is the last time I use Ray's Discount Maniacal Sidekick Emporium. Slashed prices indeed...
No, wait. Don't tell me... Is it zero? OK, give me a hint.

 

Twenty-eight, huh? You doin' anything later, big boy?
Wut?
by krandall, 5-24-08

 

by krandall
5-24-08
Mrauw! Wh-Tch! Tee-hee!
Mom, I've been planning this costume party for six weeks now. All my friends are gonna be there. I don't want you to embarass me.
Sheesh! You're no fun. Fine, I'll go change.
Now let me just get into my costume...
There we go.

 

by krandall
5-24-08
Sigh...
"The knife, like the machete, is useful as either a stabbing or a slashing weapon. For added mutilation, begin with a stab, and then go into a slash..."
"... Giving the knife a twist after stabbing prevents the wound from closing if the victim should eventually aquire medical attention. Nothing beats a good slash along a major artery however..."
Twenty minutes later...
No. Go ahead. Continue. I'll wait.
"... The resulting spray of blood is highly demoralizing to victims you may have tied to nearby chairs, awaiting their turn to offer up their souls to your cold steel retribution..."

 

by krandall
5-25-08
Damn! You give great skull, baby!
Thanks.
I've still got a boner! You're seriously like the hottest chick I've ever been with.
Um... I'm actually a dude. Danny is short for Daniel, not Danielle.
I knew I should have stayed in the closet.

 

by krandall
5-25-08
O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?
But soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
Later that night...
O Romeo! ROMEO!
So hot... Gah! I'm gonna cum!
Sssssssssss...
NOOOO!!!!

 

by krandall
5-26-08
Late one night, in a farmer's field...
Is it in?
No, baby. It's in the mud.
Is it in now?
Oooh! Yeah! It's in now!
A few moments later...
Um... mind if I put it back in the mud?

 

by krandall
5-26-08
Jack Dawson? Hello! Has anyone seen Jack Dawson? I'm looking for Jack Dawson.
Where is that little bitch anyway?
Fuck it. I'm sinking the whole ship.

 

by krandall
5-26-08
Nag nag nag nag. And another thing! Nag nag nag! Becuase you're so nag, nag, nag!
Cells are made of atoms. Atoms are made of quarks. Quarks are made of pure energy. If I just focus all my thought on the sub-atomic energy...
Nag, nag...
It's working! My God, it's working! Concentrate now!
Nag nag nag nag. But I knew you wouldn't listen, so nag nag nag! And speaking of which, nag, nag, nag...
Fuck it. I'm getting a gun.

 

by krandall
5-27-08
Three days later...
You're so dead. Kiss your ass goodbye, bitch!
Not likely. I'ma smoke your ass now, loser!
Three days later...
Ha ha! Take that. Doom is upon you.
I still have a power-up, beyotch. Watch me go!
Three days later...
What's that rotten flesh smell?
It's totally you dude. You need a shower. Oh! Ha! Pwned!

 

by krandall
5-27-08
Well, I have good news and bad news, Mr. Friesen.
Better gimmie the good news first.
It's a boy.

 

by krandall
5-27-08
...and the doctor says, that's not a cantalope. It's a tumour. Ah? Ah?
-Crickets-
Boy this crowd really died...

 

by krandall
5-27-08
knight to e3... castle kingside... heh. Bishop to d6, check... crud... rook to a3...
bishop to f4... knight to c3...thought you had me, huh? Hmmm... pawn to c5...
Well?
hmmm...
Hey! Quit it!
Oh... sorry...

 

by krandall
5-28-08
Dear Diary. I met with the school psychologist today. She's concerned that at the age of 15, I've already slept with 6 different boys. She thinks I have low self esteem.
I told her no. I just really like dick.
If it was low self esteem I would be up to 25 different boys by now.

 

On the bright side, I'm still doing better than the dude who ass-fucked Marcellus Wallace in Pulp Fiction.
by krandall, 5-28-08

 

by krandall
5-29-08
Dude, you look a little frosty. What happened to that sweater you used to wear?
I quit wearing sweaters.
You quit wearing sweaters?
Yup.
Cold turkey?
Shut up.

 

by krandall
5-30-08
What kind of meat do priests eat on Fridays?
Nun.
Let's do this thing.

 

by krandall
5-30-08
Oh great! Another crotchety old bitch who doesn't even really want help with her problem, just wants to verbally abuse someone because she had a shitty fucking life. Dammit. Why me?
Still...
I'd definitely tap that.

 

by krandall
6-02-08
Hey, Arno. What's black and white and red all over?
I dunno. What?
YOU!
!
HACK! SLASH! DICE! WHITTLE! MAIM! SLICE! HACK! SLITCH! GLISH! KLORK!

 

by krandall
6-02-08
No deepthroating tonite, okay Rudy? Last time was too painful.
Y'all think dat was painful fo you? You shoulda seen whatcha stomach acids did to the head of my cock, beyotch!

 

by krandall
6-02-08
Get on the boat, Rose! It's your only chance!
No, Jack! I can't!
Why not?
You jump, I jump, right?
Two hours later...
I sh...sh... should... k...k... kicked that b... b... bitch off that fl... fl... floating d... d... door...

 

by krandall
6-02-08
Dear Diary. I had sex with Billy after school today. He came over to "do some homework" and we wound up naked in my bed. It was less than spectacular. So of course I had to try to spare his ego.
Promise you won't tell anyone?
Don't worry. Alot of guys cum in one stroke, especially the ones with 3-inch dicks. The nerve endings are like more compact or something.
I should be up to 7 guys now, but I'm not even gonna count that one. Sigh...

 

by krandall
6-02-08
Wabbit season!
Duck season!
WABBIT SEASON!
DUCK SEASON!
Wait. Where the hell is Elmer with his gun?
M'eh... he left to go get a blowjob 20 minutes ago.

 

by krandall
6-02-08
Come on, Buzz. It doesn't matter who gets played with more. What matters is that we're here for Andrea when she needs us.
You're right, Woody. I'm sorry.
That night...
Oh, God! Oh, fuck! Ah yeah! I'm gonna... cum!
Bzzzzzzzzzz!
Oh no! Woody's been shelved!

 

Ah, crap! Don't be like that. Just hold the goddamn chocolate egg for one fuckin' photo. Come on. You don't even have to eat it. It'll be great Easter PR, man. Ah, fuck!
by krandall, 6-02-08

 

by krandall
6-02-08
And, dear Lord, please make all of mommy and daddy's problems go away, so they can be happy again. Amen.
Done...

 

by krandall
6-03-08
That's it! I've had it! This is the third time this week she's stayed out past midnight. The minute she walks through that door, BAM!
But honey, if you lose your temper, you'll just drive her away.
If she comes home totally fried again like last week... AH! My heart!
Sweetie! You're cholestorol. Please calm down!
Uh... Can't feel my left arm... Call an ambulance...

 

by krandall
6-03-08
They thought I was mad, trying on seven different outfits without buying anything, trying to get a refill on my frogurt four times, but who's mad now!?
Escort me out by some dimestore rent-a-cop will they!? Bar me for six months do they!? Well they weren't planning on the superior intellect of Dr. Ivan Sholstenhein!
With my diabolical doomsday deathray laser at last complete, vengence will be mine! Mwahaha! Fools! I'll destroy the mall!

 

by krandall
6-03-08
O wise and powerful guru, I have travelled many miles, far and high to seek your wisdom. Tell me, O master of the mountain, what is the secret of life?
Speak, O wise one! I am a still pool, awaiting the pebble of knowledge that will send out ripples of enlightenment. Bestow upon me the grace of understanding.
Never turn your back on a redneck.

 

by krandall
6-04-08
Well, I guess I better throw this necklace off the back of the Mr. Lovette's boat, and I'll finally get closure after all these years. Come on, Old Rose. You can do it. Hee hee. Oops...
As if! She had that fuckin' diamond all along!? She could have paid both our ways onto a fuckin' lifeboat five times over! Dumb-ass bitch! Fuck!
Oh, sure! Throw it in the ocean! Don't sell it and give the money to charity or anything. Goddamn Fucktard. I hope you die in your fuckin' sleep, bitch!

 

by krandall
6-04-08
Hi, I'm Tony Robbins, and I'm here to talk to you about Personal Power... Well, that's it. Have an awesome life!
But all you said was hi and your name.
After years of late night infomercial subliminal programing, that's all I have to say. You're cured. See ya.
But I... But you...
Hey! My wallet's gone! What the fuck!?

 

by krandall
6-04-08
This wall goes all the way 'round town, five feet high. Built it with me own two hands, brick by brick. But do they call me McGregor the Wall-builder? No!
And the dock out by the lake. Thirty feel long, it is. I built it board by board, cutting down the trees, sawing them into planks. Do they call me McGregor the Dock-builder? No!
But ya fuck one sheep!

 

by krandall
6-05-08
I'm getting kinda bored of porn. I mean look what passes for a cum-slathered cam whore these days.
Yeah. So phoney.
You can tell they're not really cock-hungry sluts desperate to chug down buckets of hot man chowder. They're only in it for the money. Sad.
So wanna go out and play some street hockey or something instead?
Hell no.

 

by krandall
6-05-08
!
♫ This shit is bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S! This shit is bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S! ♫

 

by krandall
6-05-08
Good afternoon, sir. Sorry to disturb you, but would you like to hear the wonderful news about our Lord Jesus Christ?
Listen, Bob. I was just in the middle of fucking your wife in the ass here. You wanna come back a little later on? Quit fuckin' cock blocking, man.
-SLAM!-
Can I at least get my briefcase?

 

by krandall
6-05-08
Praise the Lord. So many choices...
You gonna order somethin', dude?
I'm not really hungry. I'm just out because my wife's getting a facial done by a couple of guys.
Don't chicks usually do that make-up shit, Bob?
That's what I thought, but she says these guys have some sort of special "bukkake" facial thing that she needs. Who can figure women, huh?
Heh. Maybe she needs my help too. What's yer address, dude?

 

by krandall
6-05-08
This clam chowder you made is delicious, hunny. What's you're secret?
That's not clam chowder, that's man chowder, you dumb-ass!
Whatever it is, you did a great job, hunny bunny. I definitely thank the Lord that- HUAAAH!!!
-CRASH!-
Yes, I noticed.
Watch your step! There's some on the floor too!

 

by krandall
6-05-08
Gluck! Oomph! Ulp! Hmmm!
Ah, God!
Ulmph! Glumph! Gobble! Slobber!
Amen, brother. The Lord is good.
Ah! Ah, GOD! Jesus Christ! I'm coming!
Glug... glug... gulp... gulp...
Go with God, brother. Peace be with you.
AH! Fuck yeah! Swallow it all, bitch! AH, God!

 

Whatchu want, lil bro?
Did I hear someone say something about "busting a nut"?
by krandall, 6-06-08

 

by krandall
6-06-08
♫ Old MacDonald had a farm Ee-Ai-Ee-Ai-O. And on this farm he had a pig! Ee-Ai-Ee-Ai-O! ♫
♫ With a "We gon' have some bacon real soon!" here and a "Yup, that piggy fattening up real nice." there! Old McDonald had a farm Ee-ai-ee-ai-O... ♫
-SOB!-

 

by krandall
6-06-08
That cloud up there looks like a beautiful asian princess, walking along behind her white ninja body guard.
It kinda looks to me like two blue aliens touching their dicks together.
FAGS!

 

by krandall
6-06-08
Now where the hell is that little piece of shit?
I hit the little bastard with a three iron. Motherfucker can't have gone too far.
Oh, there you are! I've been looking everywhere for you. Let's get the fuck out of here. Don't make me hit you again, ya little bastard.
d'ahhh...

 

by krandall
6-06-08
Hey, you're new here, aren't you?
Yeah. We just moved in over the weekend.
So... wanna fuck?
Um... okay.
Dear Diary. Eight.

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