All comics by passive

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by passive
5-14-01
...yeah, so i'm piledrivin' this underage bitch's dirtsquirter in my old man's basement when, like, i look over my shoulder and my dad's standing there in the doorway...
...fucker's hunched over wackin' it all wildeyed. Freaked the shit out of me, but, like, i didn't want me girlie seein' him and bailing, so i put my pillow over her face and started screamin louder...
...that's when she suffocated, and i had to chop her up into little slut slices and hide her in sandbags along the river...Anycase, my dad filmed the whole thing. You wanna come over and watch it?
HELL YEAH!

 

by passive
5-14-01
...there...
...you aint gettin' away this time, bitch!

 

by passive
5-14-01
...listen man, John Wayne Gacy ruined the whole clown thing for the rest of us.
...no shit? really?
yes really! before, us clowns were the staple in the binder of the big book of entertainment. I TELL YOU, WE WERE RESPECTED!
...shit...
Now, us clowns gotta make $300 deposits extra on our costume rentals JUST IN CASE WE GET MORE CHILD BLOOD ON THEM.
HOLY SHIT!

 

by passive
5-14-01
Right! I just got orders from the cesaer himself that you're free to go!
Heavens be praised!
Ha ha! Not really. Me and the centurions just thought it would be kinda funny to tell you that. Later!
HEY...DONT MAKE ME COME DOWN THERE!

 

by passive
5-14-01
All right! The mails here!
Jesus, fuckin, christ, the neighbors have some ugly fuckin kids.

 

by passive
5-14-01
...lessee' here. You may be a winner. Some more junk mail. A tax return. Boater registration stickers.
...A bill. Some more bills. A court appearance notice, some vehicle tabs...
Goddamn, i love stealing mail!

 

by passive
5-14-01
Ok. I think i'm ready to give it another try!
C'mon lover. Just relax. Let the tusk ease its way in. Its all jellied up ready to go.
And then you'll trunk fuck my dick, right?
Yeah, i want your cocksnot in me, on me, around me, JUST FUCKING GIVE IT!
...how about foreplay?
Ok. I love you.

 

by passive
5-15-01
...lalala, if you're happy and you know it clap your hands.
not again
c'mon jesus! if you're happy and you know it clap your hands!
youre no fun!

 

by passive
5-15-01
Meanwhile at headquarters...
Whew! No crimes today!

 

by passive
5-15-01
Hey! So how did the date go?
Aww fucking rad, dude. I took her out to McDonalds. Man, that place rules! Once the roofies I dropped in her diet coke kicked in, I took her to my favorite playground where I fucked her sleeping body
...uh, i think you just indirectly made me a witness to your rape crime.
C.mon! Lighten up! It's not like they'll ever find her!

 

by passive
5-15-01
...hey, why don't you tell me a little about yourself. how old were you when you started masturbating?
HOLY FUCKING SHIT! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ASKED ME THAT!
YOU JUST WANT TO THINK ABOUT ME BANGING MYSELF AS A LITTLE KID!
...so, this first date isn't going well is it?

 

by passive
5-17-01
Hey! Check it out! Dick Tricks!
Holy Fuck! A three twist candy cane!
...alright, pull this around that and there we go...
Wow! A honeyball ham riding an inner tube!
Wait, now you're just jerking off.

 

by passive
5-17-01
Front me an ounce.
No.

 

by passive
5-17-01
So, kid you remember what I taught you about huffing safety?
Yes, Tyler. I sure do! Always huff propellants such as Lysol and Glade with a huffing buddy.
That's right posi-kid! Never huff alone and always get your parents permission first.
And if your huffing gasoline, always remember to turn the car off first before siphoning.
Thanks dog-on-a-ball. If your using a rag to filter the aerosol can, be sure to wear a bandana, because bandanas are really fucking cool.
And for our muslim friends, always huff facing mecca. Thanks, and have a safe and happy huff!

 

by passive
5-17-01
That's so fucking lame. I can't believe George Bush's administration's take on abortion.
Yeah, I know.
Much debate.
I guess it's back to the old days.
Yup, good old fasioned WOMB STABBINGS.

 

by passive
5-17-01
Hey, dog-on-a-ball! What's the best part about accidently killing your lover in a failed power drill eyesocket penetration immortality expiriment?
I don't know Cowboy.
Hiding the fucking torso.
DAMN!

 

by passive
5-18-01
guest written by poodollar
So what do you want to do now?
ANAL EXTERMINATION!!
How about the BUTT!

 

by passive
5-20-01
...lessee, i left the box of crayons at the scene of the crime. but they don't know they were mine. they could be anyone's. so messy. messy, messy, messy...
they don't know about the short bus I buried in the desert. and they don't know who's still in it. Fuck, did I leave the snake skin boots near the cage or did I wear a mask in Nevada...
Look, do you want to buy the fucking car or not?

 

by passive
5-21-01
One fine day at Radio Shack...
...no, that's alright man. I don't want to watch you stun gun your balls.
Nah, really! It's amazing. One zap and they climb right back inside!
Look, I really don't have time for this BULLSHIT. Hell, if you can't tell me where I can find an antenna for my TV, I'm going to go to another store.
C'mon, just watch me shock my balls. Then I'll tell ya!
Ten minutes later.
Hey! Get the fuck away from the cash register. AND STOP HARRASING MY CUSTOMERS!
busted.

 

by passive
5-23-01
I'll tel ya what I'm going to do I tell ya wipe out this whole planet from filthy vermin like the human race, you just wait and see!!!!!
My first plan is to burn down the whitehouse and rename the country squizzzshit muthafuckin no human shit man.
I should stop drinking robotusson so early in the morning

 

by passive
5-23-01
I'll tel ya what I'm going to do I tell ya wipe out this whole planet from filthy vermin like the human race, you just wait and see!!!!!
My first plan is to burn down the whitehouse and rename the country squizzzshit muthafuckin no human shit man

 

by passive
5-23-01
WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR BREAKFAST RALPHY?
I'll tel ya what I'm going to do I tell ya wipe out this whole planet from filthy vermin like the human race, you just wait and see!!!!!

 

by passive
5-23-01
Hey there son. I just invented a robot daughter to help with all the love your mother and I have left over from having you.
I thought you were a cowboy.
I'm many things kid AND SO MUCH MORE. Now meet your new sister.
*BZZZTT-LET'S GO BREAK INTO A CAR
Here we go again!

 

by passive
5-24-01
Hey there dog-on-a-ball! What's the best part about strangling a newborn with it's own umbilical cord?
I don't know...CUTTING THE WEEPING MOTHER'S SKULL APART WITH BULLETS?
Dammit! You blew my punchline! I was going to say "Eating the placenta".
Sorry, cowboy. But placenta jokes are, like, sooo 1999. But anyways, what was the last thing the burn victim child said before dying?
*sigh- I don't know. What did he say?
OH MY GOD! WHAT A SHITTY WAY TO DIE!

 

by passive
5-24-01
Jud-Jud. Jud Jud-Jud. STRAIGHTEDGE Jud-Jud. Jud Jud-Jud HARDCORE Jud Jud-Jud Juh Jud REPRESENT!
Jud-Jud Jud JUhhh whhWHATTHEFUCK? WHY THE HELL AREN'T YOU MOVING?!?
...well, honestly the music is really intense and dynamic and I thought that I could appreciate it on a more intellectual level by compromising action for attentative examination.
Pussy...
This is so rad! I'm part of the SCENE!

 

by passive
5-25-01
So how come you have a scythe when all you have to do is touch some one.
Well, actually, it's symbolism. The scythe represents a tool for harvesting. In a figurative sense I'm harvesting human souls.
I don't know, doesn't seem very practical.
Yeah, I know. But it's all part of the uniform. So, you got the money?
Yeah, five grand. The kid lives on 88th street and Maple. Green house, chain link fence, you can't miss it!
I should have asked for more money.

 

by passive
5-25-01
So, you're still down with the wife swapping tonight? Is Sheila cool with the whole thing?
Yeah, I talked her into it. She agreed that it would totally help our marriage out. I haven't met your wife yet though. Is she good looking?
Heh heh, yeah, she's fucking hot, man! I love her. She got really excited about tonight after I told her that you're a cowboy.
Okay! Send her over at eight tonight! Sheila said she'll probably just go over to your place right after work.
Later that night...
Wait a minute! Neal doesn't have a wife!

 

by passive
5-27-01
Alright, Spigot. I want some fucking answers, man.
Damn, I knew this time would come so I'll be honest. Last night, that "hamburger" I fed you?
It was the neighbors' kids, man. I lured them into the house with some video games and then I clubbed them. CLUBBED THEIR SOFT KIDDIE HEADS IN! BASH! BASH! BASH! HEHEHHAHHA...
Uhh...I was just going to ask you if there was any extra space in this apartment for my saddle. But I think I will be moving out now.
Alright, more spank time!

 

by passive
5-28-01
...yeah, and then Ed Gein's all "talk to the hand" and Dahmer's like "take it out of your mouth first" and that's when Manson...
A-HA-HA-HAH-HAH-HA HA-
HA-HA HAH HAH HA HHAW-HAW-HAGHGAHGHGHHHGHHheh heh *cough*
Ummm...can I continue? Thank you. And that's when Manson throws his drumsticks down and says"THAT'S IT! I QUIT THE BAND!"
Ahh, so that's why they broke up.

 

by passive
5-28-01
Awesome! So, you say there's a bunny out here that wants me to kiss her on the nose?
...heh heh heh, yeah, a bunny, right this way...
Dope! Can't wait to meet her! I haven't been gettin enough of tha muff lately! Tell me. How do I look?
Delicious! *slurp*
Excuse me?

 

by passive
5-28-01
Oh my god! You got to help me! There's this crazy fucking clown running around here! He brought me back into the bushes and asked if there was a stain on his pants.
When I looked at the pants he grabbed me by the back of my head and pulled me towards his crotch. I punched him hard in the stomach and took off running. I think he may still be around!
Wow...
Sucks to be you.

 

by passive
6-04-01
Hey, donkey! What do you get when you choke a kindergarten teacher to death by forcefeeding them their own shit?
I don't know, Spigot.
ONLY THE MOST INTENSE ORGASM YOU'LL EVER HAVE, MY FRIEND!
damn...what was the last thing the missing six year old saw?
I dunno. I give.
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING...YOU CAN'T SEE THROUGH A GARBAGE BAG.

 

by passive
6-06-01
...so, Dog-on-a-ball, what's the difference between the stereotypical comic drunk at a party and the infamous cannibal, Ed Gein?
I don't know.
One's got a lampshade on his head and the other has a lampshade made out of a head... A-HYUK-YUK-YUK...
ARRGGHH!!! THAT JOKE FUCKING SUCKED...I hate you so much. Anyways, what's the best part about clubbing an eight year-old for five dollars?
I dunno, Dog-on-a-ball. What?
YOU GET FIVE DOLLARS!

 

by passive
6-06-01
Damn, Indy Pete! I haven't seen you in forever! Not since high school. What've been doing all these years?
Oh, nothing much. Last night I dug up my mother's grave and skinned her fresh corpse. I then stuffed "her" with about a hundred pounds of red meat and then made love to "her".
...ohh, okay...
I get it...you're a performance artist! That's neat. I got a job making web sites. Cool, huh?
I'm going to make lingerie out of your skin.

 

by passive
6-06-01
So, Kimmy, what would you do with the awesome powers of telepathy?
I would go to the big city, fight crime and save lives.
No, really.
I would go to the big city, and gamble.
AHA-HA-HA-HA!!! How right you are Kimmy. How right you are.
AHA-HA-HA-HA!!!
AHA-HA-HA-HA!!! Kill me!

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