All comics by pretilush13

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by pretilush13
10-06-02
Jen goes to pray needing help from the "Lord".. she being part irish forces religion on her a bit, so hey she gives it a shot.
Yeah, so um Lord, I need some guidance.. Why do all these guys like me?
My Child, they liketh you because they want to penetrate your holy orffice... meaning.. they want to fuck you.
In shock, she pulls a "crouching Tiger" move to stun the Lord..
WHAT, oh fuck you!
No, My child, fuck you you dirty slut!
But then, she opens her eyes to a dragon named Clitoris a...nd the White House.
Where's Jesus go, is he coming back?
You must be seeing things because the he was never here

 

by pretilush13
10-06-02
Finally, after lots of shrooms, and lots of nail polis, Jen has Clint where she wants him..
Before I make you give in to my every sexual desire, you must first slam a nail into your skull..
Kinky, but why am I going to hammer a nail into my skull?
Because if you do, I'll take out of whip and make you my bitch! That's why!
But if I have a nail in my head, I might die and then never get to pursue your sexual desires.
I'm not wearing any underwear.
So, how many nails, one or two?

 

by pretilush13
10-06-02
The search for a decent guys begins with the internet to which a normal person would consider a last resort..
Maybe, on the internet, I'll find normal guys that aren't freaks!
Well, My Ex Wife stopped taking her Zoloft..She tried to run off to her dad's and I said " No!", call me your bitch!.
????
I have Black and Red hair and I like Whips.. I need a guy that will be my slave... and occasionally paint my toenails..
All I want is to go on the internet and find a girl that isn't a freak!
Freaks...
Freak...but I like..
Freak.. but I like..

 

by pretilush13
10-07-02
The big question comes up..
So Jen, what simple features do you look for in a guy?
I need a guy that can cook for me, make me feel special and buy me stuff.
And continues...
Wow.. that's not much to ask..
He has to have a nice car, decent job, be able to RPG with me, likes cats, and drinks tea, and will eat Tofu Ice cream, willing to eat my Wiccan Dishes, has to like kids for .....
And continues
Enough..
Has to be able to kiss my nose, must wash between their toes, can stand my family, likes chocolate, must be less that 15% body fat, as to be able to like piercings, must like Stephen king novels...

 

by pretilush13
10-13-02
Jen, needing guidance, looks towards a local Catholic Priest.
Hi, I don't really do this Catholic thing.. but I need advice and Jesus didn't give me shit.
Oh, it's okay my child, just come sit in the lap of God.
Oh, well I keep ending up with guys that seem good for me but those keep ending awkward with me running away. I just stopped the fuck-buddy thing and am ready for a relationship, what's the problem?
Maybe if you deep throat guys will have something to look forward to.
Fuck this shit, all you Catholics and Christians are fucking out of your minds. I"m outta here.
Come back! What would Jesus do?

 

by pretilush13
10-13-02
After a week of nothing.... it finally happens after much avoiding.
Jen, I dig you alot. You're one the most beautiful girls I've ever dated, but I am very busy and I don't want to feel like I'm leading you on and not giving you the time you deserve.
I understand what you mean....
It's just I've got college, the band, work, I barely have time to sleep... I really really like you and that's why this is hard for me. Besides,I dont want you to think I'm a bad guy for time issues
I really want to be with you though...
I'm really sorry, I'm so relunctant to do this but....
Wow, at least you didn't wait a week to tell me the same thing that you said the first time, this time you added the part of not wanting to look like a bad guy, go figure.

 

by pretilush13
10-13-02
Lets take a trip, back a month ago. On a certain Election day...Long time no see.
Long time no see. Nice for you to just show up out of nowhere like usual.
Well, I got back from Germany recently, and will be going to Chicago the 5th of October. God, you're hot.
I haven't seen you in a year, and I think we sort of ended up on bad terms.
I haven't had sex ina year, imagine that. You changed me, Jen.
Damn it....
Well, I got a couple of hours before I have to vote, how bout we have a quickie while watching A-Team on the basement futon?
Errr... but i'm.....er...fine, I'm game.

 

by pretilush13
10-13-02
Lets take a trip, back a month ago. On a certain Election day...Long time no see.
Long time no see. Nice for you to just show up out of nowhere like usual.
Well, I got back from Germany recently, and will be going to Chicago the 5th of October. God, you're hot.
I haven't seen you in a year, and I think we sort of ended up on bad terms.
I haven't had sex ina year, imagine that. You changed me, Jen.
Damn it....
Well, I got a couple of hours before I have to vote, how bout we have a quickie while watching A-Team on the basement futon?
Errr... but i'm.....er...fine, I'm game.

 

by pretilush13
10-13-02
Lets take a trip, back a month ago. On a certain Election day...Long time no see.
Long time no see. Nice for you to just show up out of nowhere like usual.
Well, I got back from Germany recently, and will be going to Chicago the 5th of October. God, you're hot.
I haven't seen you in a year, and I think we sort of ended up on bad terms.
I haven't had sex ina year, imagine that. You changed me, Jen.
Damn it....
Well, I got a couple of hours before I have to vote, how bout we have a quickie while watching A-Team on the basement futon?
Errr... but i'm.....er...fine, I'm game.

 

by pretilush13
10-13-02
7 Smirnoffs and the internet don't mix..
Well Devin, I always wanted to sleep with you, you're hot and hey what the hell?
I think ever since 4/20 when I gave you a ride home I realize how sexy and cute you were at the same time...
Well.. how long is everyone out of town cuz I could go to your house afta the show in Waldorf..
Hm.. I think that that could work....
Damn it Jen.
Be over in 15.

 

by pretilush13
10-13-02
Once again, after trying to avoid the situation... it 'lasso'd' her back in.
Why is this loser talking to me.
Jen, you were the best I've ever had and I'd really like to hook up again..
Well.. I don't have anything to do this weekend, we can have hang out in your truck as a cheap date.
Wow, sounds good to me.
-doh-
I'll see you in my truck naked on Friday night little lady.

 

by pretilush13
10-13-02
Again, she looks for guidance
No one could give me guidance, and then I thought of Blue's Clue and took out my handi-dandy Notebook! And saw you..
You're a fucking idiot, that's one of your problems.
okay okay, then why do most guys want to sleep with me rather than date me?
Well, because you're pretty. Since you're pretty, then think : "Wow, I can sleep with her" if you were ugly, then they'd sleep with you anyways, but it'd be less a feat.
Oi.
Tthey know that you want a relationship and so they use that to their advantage because you're all frail and they can use that to their advantage. Get a loser guy whose lucky to have you look at them.

 

by pretilush13
10-13-02
Spread the news! To your local Grocer.
Yes! I'm on my period!!!!! That means no babies, not that I would have any, but just to make sure.
Oh it's not bad. A baby is God's Bundle of joy, even if it is a bastard. UnWed mother's are the most caring mother's because they don't want to go to hell.
To your Local UnWed mother!
Well, I'm happy I'm on a period for once because for some reason I was worried.
Girl, When a girl know's she's on her period and not pregnant it's the best period of their life, until the next one, then it starts over. When you hear it's heart beat, you fall in love!
To your local Clint.
It's the heart of winter nuclear. and you can bet I'm scared as hell.
Ok. Are you on any medication, cuz if you were pregnant and went off Zoloft, I'd stop talking to you. Once was enough, wait we haven't had sex.

 

by pretilush13
10-13-02
Doesn't everyone just love Lori?
Lori, i'm this stupid black guy named David and I like you Lori.. let me touch you
It looks like time to die.
Lori, my name is Joe, and since you're looking at me, you like me.... say it!
Or, maybe I was really high? Time to die.
I'm too sexy for my pants, too sexy for my pants.. so sexy.. that I'm pants..less...?
Oh shit, hot guy come back!

 

by pretilush13
10-13-02
Lori is on the dating game
Bachelor number 1, if you had to take me on a date, where would we go?
I would breath in you ear and buy you some popcorn and make you listen to my sorry ass band. I bring you present
Bachelor Number 2, same question
I would make you give me a feet massage, with squirrel feces..
Uhhh, we'd get high on shrooms, get drunk and watch "Dude where's my car".. where am I
Oh shit, we got a winner.

 

by pretilush13
10-13-02
The day before 4/20
I'm on my own...-hic-
I can't see straight!-hic-
Deeep Inside! -hic-Cuz I'm so stoned.. Ooh Self Tanner!
I can't see STRA-hic-IGHT!!! Jen..stay AWAY frOms my Diaryhs
Danny.. you're hte best boysdeidn enver -hic-Look I'm white...
Ohooh I'mm sooo not drunnkkk oyu betta shut uoop -hic- No My nmomo's home!

 

by pretilush13
10-13-02
So, James, you wanted to talk to me?
Well, as you know I'm going to Germany soon.. and well Jen I love you, I really love you and want you to come with me.
When Jen gets mad, she gets Ghetto..
Nigga, what you talkin bout? You best start makin sense cuz i gots to go get some chink food.
I love you Jen, we made love and i love you.
Whatever dawg, that was a booty call. U aint nothin but my hoe, I tip my hat to you.
Fine, i'm going to Germany. Auf Wiedersehn.

 

by pretilush13
10-13-02
When Jen Needs guidance, she talks to her stuffed animals, they don't get smart.
I dun know wats wrong wit dese niggas, all talkin bout dey luv me? Damn white boys on prozac n shit, i don't need no crazy white boy. Fuck Buddy means I don't want u, just wanna get in yo pants nigga
Ain't dey seen Vanilla sky wit dat crazy white bitch Cameron Diaz, white bitches crazy all driving cars off cliff, shit i be lucky if i even hava car dat works. Crazy white folks,need to simmer down.
White people All goin round snipin people, u kno he aint black, he'd have to borrow his Grandma's station wagon be like "Grandma, can i borrow yo car' she say' get me sum gas' .. Shit, white people.
Word.

 

by pretilush13
10-14-02
Jen needs love and care.. and to be handle like the faun she is..
Sam, Nobody Loves me..
Jen I love you..I really love you,will you be my girlfriend?
Nigga, wut u talkin bout?
I'm saying that I want to go out with you...
But stupid niggas gotta say shit and make her mad cuz she is tryin to be single y'heard.
Ermz.. Nigga it's science time n I gots tah go for teacha says " nigga get up in mah room, ma!"and I be like " I's comin nigga"
But Jen..

 

by pretilush13
10-14-02
The one thing you shouldn't say to Jen... (Day 1)
So what are you saying?
Jen..Jen...I think I love you.
Nigga what iz u talkin bout u luv me, u just a fakenigga u best step, y'heard, I ain't talkin to yo punk ass now!
But Jen..! I do love you..
Next day...
- You have recieved an Instant Message from James, do you accept?-
- clicks "no"- You betta stop nigga

 

by pretilush13
10-14-02
What she said:
So, James.. do you miss me?
Oh cutie, you know I do..ever since Granada, I haven't felt the same about girls, and about you,I changed. Dude, it's surreal.
What she wanted to say:
Nigga, i kno u fuckin that hoe Stephani fo u went to Germany,u aint gots to lie, u fuckin dogged me out, what u want me to say, Papi? I held it down fo u, i wanted to be yo girl, notcho hoe..
Ah shit son, it aint even like that, u mah main bitch mah.
And what was said:
Oh, I miss you alot too, maybe can hook up once you come back.
Oh babe, that would be rad.

 

by pretilush13
10-14-02
Jen's method of pick up lines are pretty easy, she simply states the obvious..I like Charles Manson,
Oi, Hi. I have purple hair, how's it going?
I hate everyone. I will go slit my wrists now. Iron Maiden,arrrrh.
But she gets weird reactions, maybe all guys DO want to either get in her pants, or ignore her?
Hey, I have a nose, isn't that cool?
I'm blue ba boo dee ba doo da. I'm emo, you hardcore punk freak. Thursday is the best band ever.. I hate when people make fun of me, it makes me cry and want to write a song about it,
Maybe the problem isn't the lines, maybe it's just the guys
Hey, do you Like GlassJAw, they're so awesome. My hair used to be that color.
Your hot, lets have sex. And get drugs.

 

by pretilush13
10-15-02
When all else fails, who is better to catch you than yourself? Her only guidance at this point is herself.
Well, I've caught myself before I could get in some catastrophical romance mess. I'm caught, I am going to try to stay out of mess so I don't get my heart broken
lleW, ev'I thguac flesym erofeb I dluoc teg ni emos lacihportsatac ecnamor ssem. m'I thguac, I ma gniog ot yrt ot yats tuo fo ssem os I t'nd teg ym traeh nekorb
I'm so serious, this three time relationship flop blows my mind and I don't want to imagine going through it again.. It too a big shot to myself esteem.
?tahW
No where to be found when she needs herself.
What do you think?

 

by pretilush13
10-15-02
Holla at ya boi
Oh shi-at gurl, ma you gots to be tryin tah let mah holla at ya! U is banging lika muthafucka, damn how u get so fine, is yo mama fine. Shit, lets make some chocOlate Luv gurl heeh heeh
. . .
When Black guys make sex references, it's over.
U ona dem quite ma's rite? Shit, nuthin eva quiet in mah bed, i keep dah neighbas up if ya know what I mean heeh heeh heeh
O.o
You motherfucking fuckface, don't talk to me like that or I'll rip your fucking balls off & sewn them in your mother's fucking mouth, you prick. Go fuck yourself & that fucking horse you rode in on.

 

by pretilush13
10-15-02
Show off..
Hey, look I'm a rocker, I am so cool.
Baaaark.
I'm jerking off, you want my rock star sperm?
Moo.
Show down.
Fuck you, you piece of shit and eat my fucking cunt. Mommy doesn't care what fucking instrument you fucking play you scum on my fucking shoes. Get on your fucking knees and lick my boot.
Yes Mistress

 

by pretilush13
10-15-02
Show off..
Hey, look I'm a rocker, I am so cool.
Baaaark.
I'm jerking off, you want my rock star sperm?
Moo.
Show down.
Fuck you, you piece of shit and eat my fucking cunt. Mommy doesn't care what fucking instrument you fucking play you scum on my fucking shoes. Get on your fucking knees and lick my boot.
Yes Mistress

 

by pretilush13
10-26-02
The reason why liqour is bad.
Shit, I'm bored -hic- Lets roll down the hill.
Sounds like a -hic- plan!
Ow..
Jen, you're spinning really fast. Wait, are you okay?
I hit the curb, but my face broke my fall.
my jacket's dirty.

 

by pretilush13
10-26-02
Hello Jen, I am your conscience, Darwin. I'm here to tell you you're a bad person.
Well, how about your new name be Captian fucking obvious, because me being a bad person in apparent.
Jen, you can change. You can be a good person. Just stop drinking and smoking pot and everything will go along with it.
But, if I do, Life will be boring. Leave me alone.
5 mintues later.
Quack, Jen I am your conscience, here to tell you that you're a bad person.
Fuck off.

 

by pretilush13
10-26-02
Yo yo yo, mah name is Bo. Peep All dese mami's luv tha way that I flow, if you dont know you betta ask sumbody. Cuz if u aint no iz tha life of tha party
Excuse me for a second.
When I walk into dah club, i grab some bacardi, spill on yo man's suit, told him "don't wear no armani", he thinks he's the shit, but he's a nit wit.. real quick, think he slick, he can suck mah dick
I slashed your mother's throat.
Dat's fucked up man, I gots tah go play ball now.

 

by pretilush13
10-26-02
Wow, he's hot. He looks like fat mike..
I just want to live.
My Dixie Wrecked.
Oh, that's good.
I"m stupid.
No, you're a brat.

 

by pretilush13
10-26-02
I hate Birds.
Hello, Pretty Birdie.
Squak, I tawt I taw your mom on the corner, she's such a whore.
Time to die little birdie.
Fuck off you cunt, I'd kick you and your whore of a mother's ass.
Fucking birds, I napalm you.

 

by pretilush13
10-26-02
I'm the girl mom warned you about..
Hi, Thomas. I had to tell you that the Easter play was great.I think it's time to play the alphabet game, follow me back here.
Alphabet game, Geez how do you play that?
Well, you put your mouth, there. And move your tounge to the shape of the letters in the alphabet..
Oh Jesus, what would Jesus do? what would Jesus do!.... ::muffled:: isn't this against the bible?
Shut the fuck up, until you get to Z..
-muffled-Yes mistress.

 

by pretilush13
10-26-02
Hello Miss, I've come to tell you about the lord.. I represent Trinity Lutheren Church, and we think that you're living in a way that the lord wouldn't like..
Well I'd like if you'd eat me out.
:ahem: The Church of Trinity would like everyone to enter the kindgom of Heaven.
I think you should enter my cunt, Jesus tested, Lord Approved.
Shit, I'm down with that.
Come here you slut.

 

by pretilush13
10-26-02
Can't we all just get along?
I hate you. And I want to eat your unborn Children.
Well, you're not a fucking snow cone either.
I want to rape your body and then put holy water in your testicular sac.
Yeah, well you're not fucking walk in the park.
I want to send you back to your country.
Well, I raped you mom with a broomstick.

 

by pretilush13
10-26-02
Hi, Jesus, i got te memo, what do ya need?
God is worried, he says you're a blasphamous slut and that you need to remember the Lord.
Did he really? Well.... I'm fucking smacked...
Jen, you can't be this way, you're changing the faith of so many men, you could corrupt the entire Christian Religion.
If you smack my ass, I'll be good.
It's a deal.

 

by pretilush13
1-29-03
Jen learns to say goodbye to a guy who was never worth it.
It's all calypso, but it's not easy to know..
Jen everything is your fault!
Then, again he plays games.
You walk around with your shoulder's down, frowing it's not easy to know.
Wait, Jen I love you!
She finally opens her arms and sets him free.
It's just the tango, but it's not easy to know. I walk around with my horn's down frowning it's not easy to know,.
I won't let you go.

 

by pretilush13
1-29-03
The most unusual commercials come on late at night.
"Brought to you by Testes in Corporated, We bring you " BOYS IN A BOX". Just add Water, and you get a boy, you can dress him and undress him just like a real guy!"
Huh?
"They're so smart that they can wash themselves, and feed themselves so you don't have to. He'll even cuddle after sex! He's the perfect guy!"
This sounds like a golden deal!
The moment of truth.
"Batteries not included, to turn off put in front of TV, We are not liable if "Boys in the Box" boy runs away. To catch, throw out his shoes, he'll definitely be back."
Well it was too good to be true.

 

by pretilush13
1-29-03
Some guy Jen doesn't know, asks her out.
Oh, Hi?
Hey Jen, Er, I really like you and I want you to be my girlfriend.
Erp.
Erp? That's not the answer I was expecting.. But, will you be my girlfriend?
Rejection is a harsh thing.
Uh, No? Oops?
You stuck up bitch, I fucking hate you, I'm going to hate you forever!

 

by pretilush13
1-29-03
Breakin up is hard enough. But then Jen makes an Ass of herself.
Mati, what do you meean?
Jen, the emotional attachment isn't there. I tried, but nothing happened. I shouldn't be with anyone right now.
What she should have said:
STupid nigga, I don't need yo dumb wetback gringo ass. I ain't worryin bout it, i don't need you, it don't take long til I find a new nigga. so don't worry bbout me, stupid bitch. Imma eat yo face!
oh..
What she said:
But Mati, I love you, I'm willing to beg, please don't do this.
Jen, I'm sorry. It's just not there.

 

by pretilush13
1-29-03
Jen was going good, until a sexy man came along..
Well, What people don't know won't hurt em.. Can you keep a secret.
Give me a time and place and it'll happen.
Gotta keep it under our hats.
It's kept.
Shit.
but I'm going good.. but ohh bad feeels soooooo goood, come get me.
Alright.

 

by pretilush13
1-29-03
Jen got some ass!
Oh my god, you were so great.
You were amazing yourself.
And it was good!
I've never done anything like this before.
Neither have I? Let's keep this to ourselves.
But... it was so wrong, but who cares? She doesn't!
Keep what? -smiles-
Good girl.

 

by pretilush13
2-09-03
Jen meets this guy named Dubya, he's an ass. I hate him.
God, I fucking hate you. You're so lame, you think you're the shit, and you're not.
i'm a Jackass. BLAH!
Then, she finally gets to know him, and thinks differently
Wow, he's not an ass like I thought... argggggghhhhhhhh
Tada!
Found a box of sharp objects wha a beautiful thing.
I like you, it's time to go out
That works.

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