All comics by satchel

 

Post-binge cringe. by satchel 7-16-03
Back at work after a five-day cocaine binge, Ian faces his boss. When did I eat last? Friday? Good morning!	Our party boy is about to collapse! The coke...barely keeping me conscious... Your eyes look sleepy! How about some coffee to get you going?	This almost makes Ian smile...but his face is numb! Coffee! Oh Jeebus. Nothing like caffeine to get a body going!

 

Party Life no. 1 by satchel 8-18-03
Ian muses... I hate myself... ...and I want to die.	Ace interrupts. How’s it hangin’, homo? Do you ever leave this room? Ace, I’ve been depressed for months.	Lighten up long enough to kick me that rent money, boyo! I’m bankrupt emotionally and financially.

 

Party Life no. 2 by satchel 8-18-03
Max pops in. Who’s headed to the party? Let’s scam some hotties. Big fun chemical times! My brain is fried and I need a ride!	Max you fucking looney! You said we’d trip together. Don’t fret daddy-o! Slip me another thrill-pill and ‘double my dosage.’ I’ll catch you out front.	I’ll add it to your tab...be ready to pay! I’ll ride out there with you guys. Can you front me a couple of hits for tonight?

 

No more priest pedophilia jokes. by satchel 8-19-03
Lord, these StripCreator priest/pedophilia jokes are old and stale. A joke like that is the sign of a jealous boy-lover. I’d rather hang here another 2000 years than hear another.	Lord, please make them stop. I’ve got just the solution.	The next person who makes a priest pedophilia joke, chop their dick off and cram it up their asshole. Yes, Lord, right after I rape their face.

 

Party Life no. 3 by satchel 8-19-03
On the way to the party... Who’s throwing this bash? I don’t give a shit...damn, I can’t even see straight... *swoon*	Some young chicks, out in the ’burbs. Maybe I can make a new friend...	*drool*...as long as I get shuckled offr...*mumble, slobber* Goddamn it Max, control your fucking body fluids...

 

No more repetition or racism, please. by satchel 8-19-03
Too many strip authors think like this: How can I waste the time and bandwidth of this site and its readers?	If your strip has no narration or character development, don’t submit it. It’s funny to post a strip with three identical panels...	...and I’ll call this black character a ‘nigger’ harhar...wait, who’s knocking on my door? And if you say something racist, we’ll put you in jail.

 

Schlong speaks with satchel. by satchel 8-19-03
Satchel, who made you our arbiter of taste? Schlong, I figured that constructive criticism would increase the proportion of funny.	You chastised my repetitive style. With a little more thought and planning, your comics could fulfil their potential.	And if I resort to racism? That’s the refuge of a blank mind. Expand your consciousness.

 

Schlong defeats satchel—vicariously. by satchel 8-19-03
Satchel, I’m leaving you. What? Didn’t I satisfy?	I need a man with a sharper wit, one who suspends woolen tubes from his member. Woolen tubes? Wait a second, that sounds like...	*Knock-knock-knock* Oh Jesus. I hang socks from my schlong.

 

Hip-hop culture and its abuse. by satchel 8-21-03
The white-controlled American media cheapens legitimate black culture by using it to market their tawdry shit. They’re caught in a self-made pattern of capitalist ignorance.	At least they are ignorant. It’s worse see self-aware, seemingly reasonable people satirize hip-hop and ghetto culture. They think they’re above it, and that they’re in control of its influence on them because they wield it indiscriminately.	Their own actions show that it’s taken root in their consciousness. Any time you make fun of blacks or hip-hop culture, you are the new slave, white man!

 

American foreign policy. by satchel 8-26-03
1973: Vietnam USA #10	2003: Iraq USA = Satan.	I’m a donkey. Capitalism and imperialism suck my rotten dead daddy’s dick.

 

There’s no Catholic church crisis. by satchel 8-26-03
1980 You want me, Father? I sure do. Father McIlhenny said you lick dick well. Suck me now, and remember “it’s for the Lord.”	2000 Father, you molested me twenty years ago, so I’m suing the church for millions. You liked it faggot. You can’t sue our holy mother the church.	I tried to get justice for being molested, and they put me in jail for extortion. As your lawyer, let me advise you that God put little boys on Earth to suck dick and lick hairy balls.

 

An encounter with his affectionate object. by satchel 9-02-03
Ian goes over to his friend’s house. Hey everybody! I’m here...	He sees the girl he likes. What’s up, Alia. Not much. I’m tired of my old man, so I’m hanging out with this new ‘friend’ of mine.	Your friend is an uninteresting punk. He can’t satisfy you intellectually or sexually. He’s married to someone and I’m loving you. If you get with me, you’ll have the time of your life. You’re right, but he got here first, and I’m too lazy and stoned to pay attention to anyone else.

 

What to do. What to do. by satchel 9-02-03
What is nothing? The past & future.	What is the present? Pleasure or pain.	What is pleasure? Drugs & sex.

 

Just humanity. by satchel 9-02-03
No deity. Fuck God!	No country. Fuck the U.S.A.!	No family. Fuck the family!

 

Simple politics for simple folk. by satchel 9-03-03
Conservatism vs. liberalism? Conservative philosophy? Self-defeating selfishness and greed. What of capitalism?	Capitalism has failed the people. The new world soon dawns. Will it be communist?	Yes. Marxist principles will guide the new age, with no religion or archaic morality. God is dead. I hereby renounce my bourgeois life.

 

Advice for the bourgeois. by satchel 9-03-03
I am a successful American with wealth and comfort. Your bourgeois lifestyle is sickening. Free your mind.	I have followed society’s paradigm for respectability. You are trapped in infantile materialism and false dialectic.	Can I not triumph by working from within the system? No. If you follow society’s rules, you are lost.

 

Grate expectations. by satchel 10-01-03
Is Alia ‘laying’ some groundwork? She knows that Say and Ian are good friends. Jollo and I went out for two years, and the sex got stale. Now I’m in the mood for a fine man and sweet lovemaking. You’re out of control!	Say speaks with Ian. Alia is hot for a new lover. She kept kissing me the other night while we were rolling. We’re going to The Disco tonight. Finally my chance! I’ve been in love with her all year.	Ian goes to The Disco alone and waits for the girls. They show at 3 a.m. Alia! Hey—!? Ian! What’s up! Later!

 

Jollo’s BluesFest reflection by satchel 10-15-03
BluesFest ’02: Sunday morning Last night was rough. No more pharmaceuticals for me...Ian, you’ve been laughing for 18 hours now. Hahahahahahahaha	BluesFest ’03: Sunday morning Three hits at once was too much. I took one, and I liked it so much, I wanted more...then I collapsed onto my tent. All I can remember is feeling great the whole time. Jollo, your physical disposition was unimportant compared to your internal bliss.	That was the last time I’m doing hard drugs. I hate my junkie mentality, it’s bad character. “Character” is too abstract for sacrifices. Just be yourself: embrace drugs now and for life.

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