All comics by thatsnotfunny

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by thatsnotfunny
9-08-06
Holy crap, he DID die of leukemia!
Wikipedia doesn't lie.
I can't believe it. Another franchise idea down the drain.
later...
So then I said the 13th ingredient was neither herb nor spice, but a carcinogen slowly building up in the Colonel's system, until...
...that's nothing. I convinced him Ronald McDonald dressed normally before prions ate his brain.

 

by thatsnotfunny
9-08-06
I'd always been a play-it-safe sort of fellow...afraid to fly. But if I didn't make it to Cincinnati by Tuesday we were going to lose the Zimmerman account.
I packed this suitcase and kissed my kids goodbye. Somehow I knew I'd never see them again.
I see where your story is going, but it's absolutely NOT "ironic".
It was when the plane crashed into Alanis Morisette's house.

 

by thatsnotfunny
9-08-06
...and that's when I realized how irresponsible my advice had been during all those years. The guilt was unbearable.
There was *nothing* I could change to bring back my self-esteem. So I called Jack Kevorkian for an appointment that same day.
But Dr. Phil, you're still alive, and he's dead.
I know. The machine backfired while he was setting it up.

 

by thatsnotfunny
9-08-06
Turns out the only thing that could cure Dad's rare disease was bone marrow from a blood relative.
You donated your bone marrow? Wow, that must have been painful.
Not as painful as watching him die. Turns out I wasn't his biological daughter.
I know it's a little soon...but since Connie Chung is single again can you give her my number?

 

by thatsnotfunny
9-08-06
O Rly?
Ya Rly!
No Wai!
Srsly! Me laff so hard me cry!
How embarassing to die of malnutrition. At least I got a sympathy card...what does it say?
"Deer Jeni Cregg, we hop you sizzlean in hel now. Luv, Bakin"

 

by thatsnotfunny
9-09-06
You see, children, there are people who are jealous of our wealth.
Later at the factory next door...
...that is how Great American Leader explained premise of "Simplicity". To be jealous of another is great poison of the soul.
Amazing for him to know so much of ancient Chinese philosophy. What did he say next?
Well, I'll stop yabberin' and let y'all get back to work. Them iPods ain't gonna assemble themselves!

 

by thatsnotfunny
9-09-06
Ok. Just relax. Don't blow this.
Daylight...
NEXT!!!!

 

by thatsnotfunny
9-09-06
The way I see it, there are only two modes of operation: WORKING and ENTIRELY OFF.
"Blinking red on all sides" is bullshit! How much easier is that for a stoplight than just cycling the colors as IT WAS DESIGNED TO DO?!?
This citation is for urinating on a Starbucks.
As long as we were talking, I figured I'd try and get a straight answer on the stoplight thing.

 

by thatsnotfunny
9-10-06
w'ell test my n00 intellugent serum on kittn kat muh ha ha!
Z^2+Q=log(x)*e^x+7.2pi
ze soolootion to famous Reinhovrmanstein conjectur u r fukin awesum katten!
dien katzen killed why?
fukin cat. tunred out to be wrong answer mak me luk like st00pd.

 

Miguel, this is crazy! What am I supposed to do now?
The way I figure it, there's only two options...
by thatsnotfunny, 9-12-06

 

by thatsnotfunny
9-13-06
You're completely unqualified.
Plus, you've said nothing this entire interview.
I smell lawsuit!
Crap. He's disabled.

 

by thatsnotfunny
9-13-06
hmm.
ah.
Oh, forget it! Philosophy is a waste of fucking time!

 

by thatsnotfunny
9-13-06
Why'd you quit philosophy?
hmm...
Oh, I remember now. Because it was a waste of fucking time.
I could have told you that.

 

by thatsnotfunny
9-13-06
You don't understand. He's changed.
Why don't you go for drinks with him?
After 10 margaritas, surely you feel something!
yerr I jus...I jst realzided it...therz so much byooty in thaworld
Yes! I knew the desolate hedonism wouldn't last! You are still a philosopher!
Nor no I sed "byooty"

 

by thatsnotfunny
9-15-06
Hey, it's 8:30. Didn't you have a blind date to meet an hour ago?
Yeah. But I didn't want to interfere with the wave function.
Come again?
Right now there's an equal chance she's a fox or a total dog. But if I observe her, it'll collapse the quantum state of her hotness.
Wow. That's deep.
Then he told me that because I know precisely the kind of woman I want to date, I'll never know for certain where she lives!

 

by thatsnotfunny
9-15-06
4i + 6
What?
2i - 1
Huh?
What was wrong with the scale from 1 to 10?
They're women. Rating them with irrational numbers is much more fitting.

 

by thatsnotfunny
9-16-06
Hey, about that comic from yesterday...I'm no math expert, but isn't i the imaginary base?
Get off my case, I was drinking. The comic is still funny, just change the first panel to say phi and the second to say pi.
If you expect readers to fix the errors in your jokes then ALL comics are funny.
They are. If you don't believe me, go read those lewd recaptioned Family Circus comics.
Nostradamus predicted the apocalypse would occur shortly after Wikipedia and Stripcreator merge.
I suppose there's no point in asking whether you read that on Wikipedia or on Stripcreator.

 

Oh dear God, no!! That's the WORST application of technology I've ever heard of!!!
The folks at stripcreator.com would beg to differ.
by thatsnotfunny, 9-18-06

 

by thatsnotfunny
9-20-06
Wise Zeno, you always have so much self-esteem. How do you do it?
This is simple, young one. Like all men, I have two competing voices in my head: the high-self-esteem Zeno and the low-self-esteem Zeno...
"...these two argue, but I lay down the ground rules of *logic*. Because low-self-esteem Zeno runs to irrational emotions to justify his fear, high-self-esteem Zeno always wins in the end."
But...doesn't that make low-self-esteem Zeno sink even further into a pit of loathing and sadness?
I never thought of it that way before.

 

by thatsnotfunny
6-13-08
I'd like a Sex on the Beach for me and my friend, please!
Sex on the Beach times two! Coming right up!
Five minutes later
Damn. I heard they poured strong drinks here... but I've only had two sips and my face is numb.
I can barely stand up. Maybe you should order the next round.
Uh... this time can we just get a _Cuddle_ on the Beach?
That's peach Schnapps, orange juice, cranberry juice and Metamucil, right? My grandma *loves* those.

 

by thatsnotfunny
6-29-08
so wherewasI? o yes... [hic]...this Pale Ale... yeah, graaat beer tastes good, from India, y'knows and reminding me about Indian food... so tastee!!
Indeed [sip]. Stout and porter are dark beers made using roasted malts or roast barley. There are a number of variations including Baltic, dry, and Imperial.
They must have recorded all the clips on the same day.
You can deduce the order they were taped in by how drunk he is. He starts talking about his Ex-wife during Pilsner.

 

by thatsnotfunny
7-02-08
Wow, you look tired. Is there anything I can get you?
Actually, there's one thing I could use... something that starts with a "k" and ends in "iss".
The koala piss market kind of dried up in '98.
Don't hold out on me. I know you have connections.

 

by thatsnotfunny
8-16-08
So I'm all like: "What you talkin' about, Willis?"
And she's like: "HA! YET more proof that you're a drooling babboon! You're just too blind to see past your own asshole. MY NAME ISN'T WILLIS!"
Research has shown that online personals don't make the women who use them like men any more than they already didn't.
Right, but did you catch the good part? All this time Diff'rent Strokes was being exclusively televised in my asshole!!!

 

by thatsnotfunny
8-22-08
Clearly madam, you do not like my style. Perhaps you think me pretentious. Yet this is not the case.
I do loosen my shirt collar now and again. Why... just last week, I put a caption on a digital photograph of a cat!!!
The text used embarrassingly poor grammar and spelling--but it was completely intentional.
What I meant to imply was that if cats spoke English, they'd likely make frequent errors while doing so.
Everyone assured me that the effect was strongly comedic. Some went so far as to suggest I should have it published.
Drat... I just don't know anywhere that kind of material would find an audience.

 

by thatsnotfunny
8-25-08
Hmmm... so you work for the ASPCA. That sounds interesting. What got you into that?
Well, actually I've only been there a few months. I'm looking for a new job now.
Oh? Why.
I mean, I still like dogs. But after spending so much time with them it seems like... well, they just want the treats, it's hard to bond with them.
I had the same experience. Once dogs seemed mystical and unpredictable. Yet I examined them more closely, and they started to appear almost *Pavlovian*?
Check please.

 

by thatsnotfunny
9-25-08
Hey... have you heard about that new restaurant that just opened up on the Moon?
No. I hadn't heard.
Man, he food is fantastic. But the ambiance is seriously TERRIBLE.
What was he talking about?! The food wasn't that good at all!

 

by thatsnotfunny
9-25-08
I had no idea I'd bought a house next door to a construction worker! I'll be borrowing that nail gun and your other tools all the time!
Uh... yeah, nail gun. Right. And I always wear this hard hat, for protection...
Oh, LOL...I was kidding! I know NOTHING about construction. In fact, I don't know much about much at all! I'M A DEER!
Speaking of which...one last thing before I help you "fix the wall" with my "nail gun". How did you pay for this house?
Oh they sold it for a few sticks and some leaves. But you've been in the neighboorhood a few years, what did you pay for yours?

 

by thatsnotfunny
9-25-08
I had no idea I'd bought a house next door to a construction worker! I'll be borrowing that nail gun and your other tools all the time!
Uh... yeah, nail gun. Right. And I always wear this hard hat, for protection...
Oh, LOL...I was kidding! I know NOTHING about construction. In fact, I don't know much about much at all! I'M A DEER!
Speaking of which...one last thing before I help you "fix the wall" with my "nail gun". How did you pay for this house?
Oh they sold it for a few sticks and some leaves. But you've been in the neighboorhood a few years, what did you pay for yours?
PBTDKG!!!

 

by thatsnotfunny
11-20-08
It's time to Get Hooked all over again — this time, with Cripplingly Addicted to Analytical Functions!
Hooked on Phonics worked for me!
...so there's 8 cassettes, and they cover polynomial forms and even logarithms! All you have to do is call 1-800-ANALFUN and...
What in God's name have you been watching?!?! We're not calling that number! Go to your room this instant!
...so I phoned the cable company and canceled our service right away. I can't have my ten-year-old spouting off the Kama Sutra in the breakfast nook!
Horrors! But we should get to the root of this problem. Did little Cindy happen to say which channel this "log wriggling" was on?

 

by thatsnotfunny
11-20-08
It's time to Get Hooked all over again — this time, with Cripplingly Addicted to Analytical Functions!
Hooked on Phonics worked for me!
...so there's 8 cassettes, and they cover polynomial forms and even logarithms! All you have to do is call 1-800-ANALFUN and...
What in God's name have you been watching?!?! We're not calling that number! Go to your room this instant!
...so I phoned the cable company and canceled our service right away. I can't have my ten-year-old spouting off the Kama Sutra in the breakfast nook!
Horrors! But we should get to the root of this problem. Did little Sally happen to say which channel this "log wriggling" was on?

 

by thatsnotfunny
1-04-10
...and our biggest holiday is of course March 14th. Get it? three-dash-one-four
Ha ha, OMG, yeah! Math Team is going to be so much cooler now that we've got our own religion!
Later that day...
Pardon miss, but do you have a moment to hear about He who has given his body for our sines?
EDUCATED STUPID! IMAGINARY CUBED EARTH HAS 4 DAYS WITHIN SIMULTANEOUS ROTATION!
I can't believe you recanted from the Holy Order of Pi so you could date a girl who worships *Time Cube*
The details are over my head. But apparently since beds have four corners, when I have sex with her it's a fivesome. That's hot.

 

by thatsnotfunny
1-04-10
Though born genetically perfect, He won only a silver medal. Angered to not receive a gold one, He steppeth before a speeding car.
Did he rise up, unharmed?
Nay. Both His perfect legs were permanently lost. Dissatisifed with an earthly wheelchair existence, He then burneth himself in the incinerator.
What kind of savior is this bozo?
Before dying He sayeth: "Take of my hair and urine and blood. My DNA shall become your DNA, thus you will be an astronaut and lay with Uma Thurman."
I'm in.

 

by thatsnotfunny
1-04-10
Those girls had on so much perfume I was choking! What do they do, bathe in the stuff?
Actually, yes. They're ChristianDiorians.
Soaking in perfume is a religious rite. They believe it makes their God grant them fertility.
Hmph. If I believed in God, I'd be afraid of getting hit with a lightning bolt for wearing pants with "JUICY" written across the butt.
Not if your God didn't know how to read.

 

by thatsnotfunny
1-12-10
What in GOD'S NAME?!? Are you tryin' to tell me there's a SPECIAL SECTION for Black History books?!?!!
We sort all our books into categories. It makes them easier to..
HOLD THE PHONE, Marcia Brady. So somehow these books aren't GOOD ENOUGH for the Antiques & Collectibles section?
They're equally good as the other books. It's just that we have to keep them *separate*...
Oh, that DOES IT! As an act of protest, I'm liberating this Rosa Parks biography and re-filing it over by "DON'T LET THE PIGEON DRIVE THE BUS".
You're going to confuse the children even more.

 

by thatsnotfunny
1-16-10
...but the Scripture tells us it was Adam and EVE, not Adam and STEVE. Case closed!!
Not according to the Gospel of The Wedding Singer.
As far as I know, there's no conclusive evidence that Adam Sandler and Steve Buscemi are gay.
The metaphorical teaching is to not let anyone stop you from marrying who's *actually* right for you.
Hmm... Sandlerism becomes much more profound when you go beyond the literal gloss.
If you think that's a trip, just wait until you see Airheads in the original Sanskrit.

 

by thatsnotfunny
2-10-10
I'm doing a joint presentation at work tomorrow. But I only get to do two slides.
Then you should start by telling them what you're going to tell them...
...and then tell them what I told them?
Bingo.

 

by thatsnotfunny
3-03-10
I think I'll take a break. I have to tinkle...
WAIT SARAH DON'T!!!
What the?? You look just like me! Who are you?
I'm you from the future. I went back in time to warn you about something very important.
Two acts later...
So Earth is saved... which is great and all. But if what Jeff Goldblum told us was true, now I have to get in the time machine to "stabilize the flux continuum."
Speaking of which: sorry about the waist-deep urine in there. But we never made it to the restroom, and this is the 517th time this has happened so far.

 

by thatsnotfunny
3-03-10
Finally here!
O...
   M...
       G...!
Seven tanks of gas later...
Doubt separates people. It is a poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations. It is a thorn that irritates and hurts; it is a sword that kills.
I still don't see how they can know for certain that it's the "Reddest Phone in Sacramento."

 

by thatsnotfunny
3-08-10
Yo momma so fat she attends conventions... the ones specifically intended for guys to hook up with fat chicks for sex!
And she's who they all want to meet tonight. Because being the fattest is a turn-on for guys like your dad.
I don't think it's normal to bring your kids to these kinds of events.
Want something from the mini-bar?

 

by thatsnotfunny
3-08-10
...so then I said: "Bitch, I don't know where you think you are. Is this Buttfuck Egyptland at Kings Dominion? See anyone sellin' Marmaduke balloons here?"
"This is THE Six Flags and I am THE Motherfucking Bugs Bunny. Ask if I'm Roger Rabbit again and so help me God I will strangle you with your own tongue."
When I said it was important that we protect Warner's trademarks, that's not what I had in mind.
Then you should have been more specific.

 

by thatsnotfunny
3-26-10
Ever heard of the concept of an "Inherently Funny Word?"
Badger.
Right! Just like from that Internet animation: "Badger Badger Badger" Seen it?
Mushroom, mushroom.
Thanks to Weebl and Wikepedia, we're a shoe-in! Since we've got an extra frame, want to see what Uncle Jack has in his pocket?
Snake! Snake! Oooh.... it's a snake!

 

by thatsnotfunny
4-15-10
Doctor, Doctor! Everyone thinks I'm a Bell!
You mean... you're not a Model 500?
No. I'm a replica, manufactured in China and marketed to hipsters.
Then take two of these, and call the office around 9AM tomorrow to let us know how things are going.
I hope that's Vicodin.

 

by thatsnotfunny
4-15-10
Doctor, Doctor! Everyone ignores me!
I can write you a referral to a therapist in The Valley. She's very good at helping people come out of their shell.
Screw that! Either get me surgery to make me pretty or I'm going to the next doctor in the phone book!
Liposuction has risks, and I really think that diet and exercise would be a better...
NEXT!

 

by thatsnotfunny
4-15-10
Doctor, Doctor! I feel like a pack of cards!
Yanlış kelime kullanılır. Bunun anlamı: "Ben kart paketi gibi hissediyorum!"
My mistake! What I would mean, feeling like a game?!? I'm glad to met a doctor who speaks English and Turkish.
I only know a little. But if you're able to have a seat and wait for 52 minutes, my colleague here at the office will be arriving then. He's a native speaker.
Sounding good. I scheduled a meeting for coming afternoon, but can shuffle it to later.

 

by thatsnotfunny
6-28-11
...okay, in that case I'd go with the chainsaws. But I've got a tougher one: would you rather be annihilated by a planet-destroying bomb, or blow the Skipper?
Jeez. As hypothetical questions go that's pretty drastic.
I wish it were hypothetical. But for reasons I don't quite understand, the professor built a planet-destroying bomb. Skipper stole it, and his demands are for a menage-a-trois.
It's not every day you find out you're responsible for 3 billion deaths. But I just can't do it, too disgusting.
Actually, he's a "Ginger" guy and not a "Mary Ann" guy. So Mrs. Howell and I had to swallow about a gallon of seamans' semen. But to make a long story short, we're going to all die anyway.
Oh shit. Before agreeing to the sex, how could you not check to make sure he didn't leave the bomb with Gilligan?!

 

by thatsnotfunny
6-29-11
Not many people showed up at your protest
Yeah, I know, disappointing...
What are you even protesting?
Uh, so the only person you talked to all day was to this one fourteen-year-old who showed up? Did you at least make headway on getting him to fight for the cause?
Turns out that just saying "no" to overconstraints in FTC contests doesn't resonate with the general public. But I did sell him some LSD.

 

by thatsnotfunny
6-29-11
Got locked up in a zoo and it feels like JAIL!
Looks like they caged me up... with another MALE!
Those pandas are endangered so they try to make 'em SCREW!
I heard the panda's gay... buddy, how 'bout YOU!?

 

by thatsnotfunny
8-27-14
15 minutes is how long a fleeting claim to fame lasts. Then there is a fade to obscurity, when the next fad comes along.
Everybody knows that.
WELL… did you know you were replaced by an even more uncanny looking digital animal, who is somehow even less entertaining than you?
0413-39-01-05/01288
Perhaps we could be less "un-CAN-ny" if we painted soup and called it art? Just forget about it, the guy is a fucking loser.
Ummm... I think you missed the part in the story where he said I was more entertaining than you are.

 

by thatsnotfunny
8-29-14
…THUSLY, not wanting to seem like a Johnny-come-lately in all areas, they wish to make a comeback with something THEY know… and...
Everybody knows that.
…WELL, were you aware noodleloaf is delightful when you put bacon in it? A concoction of macaroni and bacon, with flavors all baked together.
….AND ANOTHER THING - wait, what did you just say?
…HENCE, we settled our deep-rooted feud to partner and form Noodleloaf's™ - now a Fortune 500 company.
I don't care about you asshats. But put extra bacon on mine. Just wanted to be clear about that.

 

by thatsnotfunny
9-10-14
♫ Yo - listen up, here's a story. About a little guy who lives in a blue world. And all day and all night and everything he sees… is just blue... like him, inside and outside… ♫
Yo - I've listened up to your story. But how big a loser can he *actually* be? He has a Corvette AND a girlfriend.
It's a 1975 Corvette Base, with peeling paint and exhaust problems. As for the girlfriend, well… let's just say he ain't got nobody to listen.
How could you leave me, Rainbow Dash!!!

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