20 gadgets on the counter, not one of them can open an african gay parrot without making a mess.

"I was strolling in to get some kibble when the damn bird just exploded! It was delici... I mean, awful!"

"what bitch? I am a fucking cat. I don't give a shit if your mad."

Police arrived to find a gruesome scene of carnage as a poorly re-enactment of the Jungle Book goes awry.

I didn't know cats could molt.

"Uh... it was the dog...?"

When it comes to Thanksgiving each year, Molly can never seem to keep the place clean when plucking the turkey.

What? You want a piece, bitch?

That jive turkey had it comin' to him, straight up.

Suicide pidgeons still had along way to come

"Look, okay, I admit I was chasing it, but it wasn't my fault the fucking thing flew into the ceiling fan..."

Told that motherfucker not to eat my Alka-Seltzer.