You should never pole dance and snort windshield wiper fluid.

Next time you see a twister coming, don't grab the patio umbrella.

"Oh my God! Is the lawn furniture OK?"

Adrian Zmed was later arrested for his "I Love Crabby" pole dance.

Mary Poppins' "special" half-brother Ernie

After this, Jeff was no longer allowed to practice pole-vaulting in the backyard.

This news update just in: Man is knocked unconscious after fornicating with lawn furniture. Osama Bin Ladin is suspected to be involved, but how and why is unknown.

- "Urrghh... Officer, I got a good look at the guy who did this to me. He was big, rectangular, bright red, and appeared to be made out of metal. He had a huge metal phallus, too... something like... this!"

- "Pah, any moron can slide down a fireman's pole when it's vertical..."

Though he fought courageously, the lawn chair invasion force proved too much at last.

"OK, so the balancing-lawn-furniture-on-a-pole thing didn't work out for me. I'm really much better at plate-spinning."

"Grab my hand, don't let me fall!"

Jim was dropped after his audition for the Harry Potter film, when they found his broom riding technique to be less than professional

"Grow shiny great big one in 30 days with new pills! Guarenteed to add 5 - 89 inches!"