All comics by Externalization

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by Externalization
3-08-04
The Gospel according to Mel...
Lord, I have witnessed your sacrifice this day and am moved. I wish to learn your Word. How may I live in your image?
It is simple, my son. A man must live a life of purity, humility, faithfulness, and anti-Semitism to reach the Kingdom of Heaven.
Yes, my Lord, I--wait, did you say anti-Semitism???
Did you know that an international Jewish banking conspiracy controls the media? Oh, and the Holocaust never happened.
Ah... sure... Look, I'm going to go hang out with the Hare Krishnas at the airport now, okay?

 

by Externalization
3-08-04
Paris gets her friend Rick Salomon to help her hatch her plot to win fame and notoriety.
Once this sex tape we make goes public, every geek on the internet will know your name.
Public spotlight, here I come!
Look away, kiddies. This panel is X-rated.
Oh! I love you, Paris!
Oh! I love you, attention!
But alas, the best laid plans...
Fox News has just received a shocking videotape which is believed to contain proof of the existance of extra-terrestrials.
*SOB!*

 

by Externalization
3-12-04
You haven't had a bite to eat all day, Jesus. Why don't you use your funky powers to turn some rocks into bread or something?
It is written, Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God.
Does that mean you can't do it?
Yes.

 

by Externalization
3-13-04
I'm sorry, Bridget, but we have no choice but to accept the fact that your father is dead now.
No, I won't accept it! I want him back, Mom!
I want you to tell me that he's going to walk through that door right now and that we'll be a family again!
Hi.
Daddy??? But how can this be???
For the ratings my well-timed death brought in, ABC is willing to pay to have my corpse re-animated every week.

 

by Externalization
3-16-04
So, did you watch the NAACP's Essence Awards the other night?
Yeah. Pretty good show this year.
Sure was. It made me proud to see how many talented performers we have who are from right here in the US.
Well, except for Dave Matthews. He was born in Africa.
He was? Wait, then doesn't that mean...
Yup. He was the ONLY African American who appeared on that awards show.

 

by Externalization
3-20-04
What's your pleasure, sailor?
I'm not a sailor, son. I'm a priest.
Oh, that's good, because I'm in need of the type of attention only a priest can give a young boy, if you know what I mean.
I certainly do know, my son. What Biblical matter can I council you in?
I just want to get down on my knees for you.
It's inspiring to see our young ones so enthusiastic about praying to the Lord.

 

by Externalization
3-20-04
So, do you enjoy all the privileges that come with being a priest, Father?
Oh yes, it is quite a privilege to speak as the voice of God on Earth.
What I mean is, do you touch boys?
I should hope that, through my works, I touch a lot of people, just as the Lord's Word has touched me.
But don't you have anything you want me to... you know, feel for you?
Why yes, the undying love and compassion of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

 

by Externalization
3-20-04
Tell me, Father, do you have anything in common with Michael Jackson?
Yes, I've heard he's a rather spiritual man, in his own way.
So do you approve of his lifestyle?
Well, I don't really understand the music, but I like all the donations he's made to charity.
I want you to give me your "Jesus juice," Father.
I think you're a little young for wine, son. How about some grape juice instead?

 

by Externalization
3-20-04
You know, I'm starting to wonder where this relationship is going.
My Bible study lessons will teach you how to develop your growing relationship with Jesus.
I feel a part of me growing every time you speak, Father.
It sounds like you must be witnessing. Do you feel the Holy Spirit in you?
I want to feel your holy spirit in me, Father.
Wow, with the ability to construct a prayer like that, you could be a priest yourself one day!

 

by Externalization
3-20-04
Father, I really need some satisfaction here.
Ah, yes, the satisfation of living a pure and virtuous life with God.
Couldn't you just skip some of the preamble and anoint me now?
Hmm, a bit unorthodox, but okay. Remove your shoes while I get the oils.
I'm starting to wonder if he understands anything about pedophilia.
I'm starting to wonder if he understands anything about Catholisism.

 

by Externalization
3-20-04
Dear Lord, I desperately need your help. Your priest is failing to fulfill my most dire needs.
How has my servant failed you, child?
I went to him hoping to be molested, but all he seems to want to do is provide me with religious guidance.
I find these allegations most disturbing, child.
He won't stop meddling in spiritual matters. It's like he doesn't even care about cock at all!
How dare he purport to represent my church?

 

by Externalization
3-28-04
So, you're the new totalitarian dictator we've been assigned, huh?
I prefer the term "democratically elected president." It sounds more politically correct.
Do you plan on looking after any Iraqi interests, or are you just a shill for right wing American imperialists?
Watch your mouth, you damn Commie! I'm a loyal Iraqi and devout Muslim, just like you.
You're just a frigging puppet with a giant American finger sticking in you!
No... it's not a finger.

 

by Externalization
4-03-04
There once was a pop star named Janet
Who's nipple endangered the planet
A government institution
Raped the Constitution
Just to make sure they could ban it

 

by Externalization
4-04-04
Did you hear the one about the weapons of mass destruction that were never found?
Where are they? Maybe they're under my chair. No? They've got to be around here somewhere!
Why isn't anyone laughing? This is funny stuff here!

 

by Externalization
4-04-04
Did you hear the one about the unjustified war that killed 500 American troops and cost over 10,000 civilian lives under false pretenses?
Looks like y'all misunderestimated my misarticalations about that'n, eh?
Oh, you people just have no sense of humor at all!

 

by Externalization
4-10-04
This website has a countdown to the exact moment when the Olson twins'll turn 18.
Really? How long do we have?
Just over two months until they're "legal tender."
Hmmm... you know what this means, right?
Yeah, no more tentacle rape fantasies for us.
Aw, cheer up. Ruthie on 7th Heaven is still only 15.

 

by Externalization
4-11-04
Jesus, do you really have personal conversations with George Bush and tell him how to run America?
I do, my child.
Were you the one who told him that homosexuality and abortion are wrong and should be banned?
I most certainly did.
Really? You consider homosexuality and abortion crimes?
Of course not! I just like fucking with Dubya. That guy cracks me up.

 

by Externalization
4-12-04
BLAAAAARGH!
What's the matter with you?
I just tried some Goya Jamaican-style ginger beer.
And you didn't like it?
It's like there's a party in my mouth and everyone's ass is invited!

 

by Externalization
4-26-04
They've got another one of those "naughty nanny" shows on Fox.
You mean where parents hide a camera in their house and catch the babysitter beating the shit out of their kid?
Yeah. It really makes you wonder what these people must be thinking.
How so?
I mean, what motivates someone to go to another person's house, take their money, and then abuse their kid when they're not around?
Are you kidding? That's a great scam! I'd be willing to smack a kid around for the right price.

 

by Externalization
5-01-04
Don't move! This is a random raid on behalf of the BATF, DEA, INS, and RIAA.
Get off my land. I ain't hurtin' no one. Y'all got no right to be here without a warrant.
Are you attempting to resist?!? What, are you growing illegal crops or harboring terrorists or something?
Private property gives the right to exclude others without the need for any justification.
The right to act at will without the need for justification is the essence of freedom, be it of speech or property.
Hey! Don't make us pull a Leonard Peltier on your ass, you rabble-rousing hick!

 

by Externalization
5-01-04
Stop right there! Are you the farmer's daughter?
Yes, I am. Where is my pa?
I'm afraid we had no choice but to arrest your father on one count of resisting arrest.
If we allow his brand of insurrection to go unchecked, we'll have chaos on our hands.
If statists fear popular resistance, perhaps the government should violate fewer rights.
She's obviously a threat, men! We'd better gun her down in self-defense.

 

by Externalization
5-25-04
Rule #14: Don't let Michael Moore in the store with his camera crew.
I'm here to protest free trade and the 2nd Amendment.
Die, motherfucker!
Rule #15: Don't forget that our "everyday low prices" are the result of forced child labor in underprivileged nations.
If we don't work fast enough, they'll kill us.
I wish I were getting paid for this.
Rule #16: Get used to shopping here. Soon you'll have no choice.
Eventually, every store in America will be bought out by the Walmart empire.
I wish I were getting paid for this.

 

by Externalization
5-31-04
We take this day of rest to remember those who gave their lives for this government.
Let us never forget the brave sacrifices that made the enforcement of our arbitrary morality upon an unconsenting world possible.
Then tomorrow it's back to work for all of you. You've got taxes to pay. Wars don't finance themselves, you know.

 

by Externalization
6-06-04
Tally ho, homey.
You lost or something?
Not at all. Inquisitiveness grasped hold of me and I thought perchance I’d bandy by and behold this region of the ghetto.
Yeah? So what do you think about it?
I find dis particular hood to be rather da bomb. For you see, like you, I am also quite “g,” after a fashion.
Oh, sweet Christmas!

 

by Externalization
6-06-04
Yo, G Money! How's my nigga?
The word is up, Smack Daddy!
Hee hee hee! Let everyone up in this bitch know it, Money!
A MOST FELICITOUS MAD SHOUT OUT TO MY COMPATRIOTS, YO!
They all love ya, Money. They all love ya.
Yes, yes. Power to the people and all that guff.

 

by Externalization
6-06-04
Dayumn! You possess back, sistah!
You've got to be kidding me, right?
Quite the contrary, madam. I'm down to have relations with all da hoes.
I'm not a 'ho,' and you're not getting any.
You better recognize my bling bling, ho!
I take taekwondo twice a week, pappy. I'll kick your boney ass.

 

by Externalization
6-06-04
S'up, Money? What's the word on the street?
Yo mama is said to be most uncouth and unladylike.
What? You talkin' shit 'bout my mama, fool?
Alas, t'was but my meager attempt at fucking shit up old school. You down wit dat, dawg?
Say one more word 'bout my moms, I'll bust you upside yo' head, beyotch!
Anathematize not the playa, my brother.

 

by Externalization
6-06-04
Aight, G. You really wanna be down?
Straight.
Then you got to let the world know who's in charge here. Smack Daddy 'n G Money own these streets!
We've got this bitch entirely locked down!
Go spread the word, Money! You tell all them peoples!
Aight. Fare thee well. I’m outtie.

 

by Externalization
6-06-04
Pardon me, sir. I seem to be lost. Are you from this area?
Fuck whatcha heard, I'm from Afrika.
Oh, well I was wondering if you could direct me to the financial district. I'm late for a power-brunch with a client.
For G Money, dis indubitably be da financial district right here. 50 inch screen, money green leather sofa. Got two rides, a limousine with a chauffeur.
What a charming fellow!
Let me turn ya out cuz you know I'm all about the hoes, money, and clout and I rock Long Beach City all the way down South.

 

by Externalization
6-06-04
You been preachin' the word to the people, Money?
I’ve accosted a multitude of my contemporaries and emphatically stated the word.
A number of them, not knowing what the dill was, became quite perplexed and had a full psychological diagnostic performed on me.
The official prognosis is that I am gettin' jiggy wit it. I fear the entire matter has my homies quite bugged.
Props to them for havin' yo back n all, but I ain't seen anythin' wrong witcha.
Indeed, dat shit be whack.

 

by Externalization
6-06-04
Here they are, S. Diddy. Confirm for them that I am in fact gangsta.
These... are your homeboys???
Arrr! Tis no gangsta he. Me first mate he be.
No, he's a Viking like me. A Viking, I tell you!
That there's mah pardner, pilgrim.
Nonesense! He's my plucky teen sidekick. Together we saved the world from the evil forces of Dr. Science and Ms. Sex.

 

by Externalization
7-03-04
I received my new copy of the US Constitution today.
Great, just in time for the 4th of July. Read me the 1st Amendment, would you?
"Congress shall make no law prohibiting or abridging the freedom of s***ch, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to ***emble, to pe***ion the Government for a redress of grievances."
What? Why is it censored like that? I have my obscenity filter off.
According to the fine print, the Constitution recently became the exclusive property of Clear Channel.
Thank God! It's about time the government found someone willing to protect us from dangerous content in the media.

 

by Externalization
7-04-04
Happy holiday, sir.
Same to you, boy. So how did you express your patriotism today?
I took my gay lover to see Fahrenheit 9-11, then we went to our favorite vegetarian restaurant to discuss it over a joint.
You insurgent terrorist scumfuck! You make me sick!
Um... may I ask how you celebrated today?
I jerked off to the Bible while listening to Rush Limbaugh, beat the crap out of a Mexican, and strangled a Dixie Chick.

 

by Externalization
7-06-04
Hi. I'm from the Coalition For Marriage. Would you sign my petition proposing an Amendment banning same-sex marriage?
I must have misheard you. I thought you said you were from the Coalition FOR Marriage.
Yes. I'm trying to save the institution of marriage by preventing gays from marrying.
So you think the way to support something is to make less of it? That's asinine.
Later:
Hi. I'm from the Coalition For Life.

 

by Externalization
7-10-04
My baby's eaten by a dog and dingo was it's name-o.
D-I-N-G-O, D-I-N-G-O, D-I-N-G-O...
And dingo was it's name-o.

 

by Externalization
7-10-04
I love New York.
New York sucks. Boston rules.
And why is that, exactly?
Just compare international airports.
What about our airports?
Yours is named after a dead president. Ours is named after Wolverine, bub! *snikt!*

 

by Externalization
7-11-04
Well, I just took another bloody shit.
You've got blood in your shit?
Yeah, a lot of it this time. More than usual.
Dude! You've got to talk to a doctor or something!
No, I don't mind it. It helps to drown all those damn worms.

 

by Externalization
7-17-04
I christened myself when the vision appeared. He was two-dimensional and had long hair.
He appeared in the bush, I am not joking. The burning bush that I was smoking.
You see right through me and the way I am. It's not because of my beliefs that I was damned. Though you wear flesh, we're of the same kin. We're all cardboard under the skin.
I speak with my messiah every day. Pull him out of his draw, unfold him, and pray.
Cardboard Messiah; They pinned him to a cross. Cardboard Messiah; He often ripped for his own cause.
The resurrection's coming. He will return home. Let's hope next time he'll be made of styrofoam.

 

by Externalization
7-19-04
Back in seminary school, we used to play a little game with the eucharist.
It's not the same one I'm thinking of, is it?
We'd all stand around in a circle and jerk off on the waffers.
Yeah, yeah, and the guy who comes last has to eat all the waffers with the other guy's semen on them, right?
I always played to lose.

 

by Externalization
9-07-04
Vote for change! Vote for change!
I hate to tell you this, buddy, but change ain't on the ballot.
Sure it is. If we all vote for Kerry, we can end this war and take back all the freedoms Bush has eroded in America.
But Kerry voted for the war, the Patriot Act, the Indecency Act, and everything else Bush's done the past four years.
But... but... all those musicians and movie stars are saying that we need to change things by voting.
Ah, Hollywood and the recording industry... Now that's where I'd like to see the first "regime change."

 

by Externalization
9-07-04
I don't understand why you aren't willing to vote for a new president.
I'm immune to the hype. Democrats and Republicans are all just actors in the same troupe.
They take turns playing the heroes and villains while working together on the same production.
Their play is the status quo, and the show must go on regardless of who is in the lead role.
So what would help, then? Assassinating the president?
Haven't you ever seen Game of Death? Or at least The Crow?

 

by Externalization
9-07-04
Okay, maybe voting won't really change anything, but it couldn't hurt, right?
Except that it's an expression of powerlessness in the individual and legitimizes anything the government decides to do.
But for a revolution to happen, don't people have to get together and do something?
Exactly, and voting diverts the brainwashed masses from doing anything substantial.
Voting makes me happy.
So does crystal meth.

 

by Externalization
9-07-04
If you don't vote, you have no right to complain.
Have you ever tried putting a second of thought into how that tired old slogan is supposed to make any sense?
By voting, you are agreeing to abide by whatever consequences or decisions come about as a result the voting process.
Even if "your side" loses the election, you have still voted for the only government we've ever had.
Wait... so that would mean that I'm the one with no right to complain?
I'll see you at the war crimes tribunal, you imperialist swine.

 

by Externalization
9-07-04
Bad Religion, Suicide Machines, and Anti-Flag all told me to vote for Kerry, so I'm going to.
Face it, all your favorite socialist punk bands have capitalist investments to protect.
They aren't going to urge you to do anything that will hurt the system they depend on.
Punkvoter.org!
Preventing youth revolt so the thought police don't have to.

 

by Externalization
9-07-04
So are you sure you're going to feel all right if Bushitler wins the election?
No skin off my sack. I just hope it'll keep improving all my favorite bands.
Hmm, good point. KMFDM, Ministry, and NoFX just released their best albums in years.
Public Enemy and Spearhead are all charged up. Hell, even fucking Green Day's got something to say now.
I don't suppose anyone's going to release a Rock Against Kerry CD, huh?
No, and I'll be DAMNED if I'm going to have to learn to do-see-doe!

 

by Externalization
9-12-04
You have to find me a hermaphrodite! Quick! It's an emergency!
What? Where the hell am I going to find a hermaphrodite?
Anywhere! They're all over the place! Hurry!
But how would I know if someone was a hermaphrodite or not?
Easy, just look for someone with both a bulge and camel toe. Duh!
So... I'm looking for someone with "ninja toe?"

 

by Externalization
9-18-04
You know what band I really like? Flogging Molly.
Oh, yeah. They're much better than The Dropkick Murphies.
No kidding. Flogging Molly is everything the Murphies wish they were.
Damn straight.
Including Irish.
Heh. I wasn't going to mention it, but yeah.

 

by Externalization
9-18-04
Join the Socialist Workers Party, comrads.
Things will be better once we're in control of your life.
We're virtually identical to our capitalist co-conspirators, except that we'll take all your money away.
Then we'll decide how to spend it on behalf of the society you thought we were rebelling against.
Help us help you so you don't have to help yourself.
Individuality and freedom are baaaaaaaaaaad.

 

by Externalization
9-18-04
It kind of disturbs me how much power the religious right has been gaining lately.
I like it. I'm hoping we can finally get some laws passed outlawing sodomy and internet porn.
How about just letting everyone choose on their own path and minding your own business?
You can't have freedom of choice as long as the devil is out there influencing all your decisions.
You know, you're sounding more and more like a Chick tract every day.
What? Did you just say I sound like a uterus?

 

by Externalization
9-19-04
That concert I wanted to see is coming up. I'd better order my tickets soon.
It's at a Clear Channel venue, so you'll have to deal with Ticketmaster. You know what that means, right?
Yeah. $85 for a seat close enough to see the band, $12 convenience charge, $6 processing fee, and $15 for the ticket to be delivered to me.
All of that's doubled if you manage to find a date, of course.
I'll need gas money to drive to the stadium where I'll have to pay $25 to park and be overcharged for drinks.
I wish I were a rich investment banker so I could afford to see Wilco, too.

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