All comics by MadMaestro

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by MadMaestro
8-01-03
The End of "Flower Child". the Movie, on Mystery Science Theater 3000
AHH, that burned my eyes...I MUST KILL THE HIPPIE WHO MADE THIS!!
THERE HE IS... YOU MAY NO LONGER BREATHE HAHA
Um, is this supposed to hurt?
He thinks he can control the Force
He's been trying to force kill us for months
GRRR...U DIE NOW!!!

 

by MadMaestro
8-01-03
Awkward situation when jesus meets Mary Magdelin's ex, Jeebus
soo.....
yea...
Nice cross, is that oak?
No..um pine
rite im gonna go now
good idea, I need some "punch" rite about now

 

by MadMaestro
8-01-03
Oh man how did i end up here, and my head is killing me
I got accepted into the CIA?!? What the hell?
Where was I last nite??
Woh u like me to washa u feets again sir?
Got any more marks Mr.X
holy shit.

 

by MadMaestro
8-01-03
Hold on, I remember!! I hammered a nail into my head... but what else??Jesus help
OK, but i can only talk in riddles: DOWN STREET ON THE FLIP-FLOP TIMEPANTS
That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard.
no..no think about it: DOWN STREET ON THE FLIP-FLOP TIMEPANTS
You know you-re not helping much
BANGIN' UP HIGH THE HANDLE HOMEY BEEF

 

by MadMaestro
8-01-03
Thank God it was only a dream
HO man, what a wierd dream
Tonite on Fox: Tag team naked skydiving
Dont know why I bought that bed if i insist on sleeping in the trash can.
Now its When small children attack, hosted by Micheal Jackson
Or was it
Huh... Breaking news? The second coming of christ?!
...Yes Tom and he appears to only talk in riddles, quote "DOWN STREET ON THE FLIP-FLOP TIMEPANTS", could this be the meaning of life?

 

by MadMaestro
8-01-03
Meet Bob, he's a cannibal, and he's hungry. Bob is part of a hunting team, a team that ventures deep into the suburbs to get food, his job is making the victims open their homes...
Trick-Or-Treat!!
Um Halloween isn't for 2 months dude try again
Try again Bob
Pizza Boy!!
We didn't order pizza
Good Job
Hungry Cannibals!
Yea rite, I know its u Jimmy!HaH...AHHHHH!

 

by MadMaestro
8-01-03
Same old I-Ar trying to mind trick his way from a beating by the British police
Im going to beat the hell out of u
You do not wish to beat me
Yes I do
FINE THEN I SHALL COMBUST YOU!!
AHHH!!
Holy crap! I actually did it...what now

 

by MadMaestro
8-04-03
Welcome to Christianity Ho-Down, Today with us we have Pat Robertson, Welcome Pat!!
You are all diseased
Today's Question: What proff do we have of the existence of God?
Well, you see they have these carrots, and then they have those carrots that are this big, you know.MAN, that freaks me out...tiny vegetables
Um...The question was: What proof is there that God exists.
YOU ARE A CHILD OF SATAN, YOU MUST LET MY CLINIC REMOVE YOUR BRAIN OR YOU MAY BRING ABOUT THE DESTRUCTION OF THE HUMAN RACE!!... man tiny vegetables

 

by MadMaestro
8-04-03
I have come to share with you the wonders of the galaxy
We wish to aid your race in the quest for peace
Move your ass ET
AHHH!!! EAT NAPALM ALIEN SHIT BAG!!

 

by MadMaestro
8-04-03
This was my experience with the game RTX Red Rock:
Mission Briefing
GET THE THING FROM THE GUY IN THE PLACE...AND IT IS IMPERITIVE THAT YOU DONT TERMINATE THE DUDE WITH THE STUFF!!!
What the hell?!
Dont even try to get help from the personal assistance program...All it does is hit on you
GIVE IT TO ME HARD MAN MEAT!!!
did it just call me "man-meat"??
And the bosses are ludicrously hard
WE MUST SHOOT A BULLET FROM THE PHOTON GUN INTO THE BOSSES MOUTH 892 TIMES..AND YOU MUST MATERIALIZE THE GUN WITH YOUR MIND
Yeah, I can do that

 

by MadMaestro
8-05-03
So...you usein that knife??
...
Its an axe, idiot
Rite...
So...you usein' that knife??
...

 

by MadMaestro
8-05-03
Arrival
Welcome to Sam's Club how may I help you?
Well, for starters you could get the hell away from me.
Departure
May I search your pants for stolen merchandise?
If you care that much there is a guy stealing a knife from the camping department...
I really must insist you drop your pants
...and useing it to cut the security tags off of clothes in the men's department.

 

by MadMaestro
8-05-03
What game is that?
Monkey Shit Fight III: Rage in the Cage
uh...
I made it myself
Congress will be all over this one
It helps me curb the urge to kill everyone I know

 

by MadMaestro
8-05-03
What are you doing now?
Making my next hit: Star Wars Extreme XXX Ultimate Street bitchin Cart Craziness... I even got the liscence, I'm aiming for an E rating on this one
Say what?
Its going to be more family oriented something everyone can get into
Good. What's it about
Chewbacca ripping the arms off of Hippies and jaming them up people's ass

 

by MadMaestro
8-05-03
Hows your monkey shit game coming along?
Can't...talk...throwing shit at...monkeies...gahhg
yeah...seems like there shouldn't be so many flashing lights?
*shaking* geggaggurggulpdurgg...
uh-oh...*whistles* i best to get outta here
*FERUMPH*

 

by MadMaestro
8-06-03
We have recieved wind that our most recent comix have been offensive to relatives of people with serious violent tendencies. The author sends his sencerest apologies
and by sincerest apologies he means fuck you and your whack ass family
word

 

by MadMaestro
8-06-03
ITSA ME MARIO.. and i have-a some questions for-a you
Where the hell am I that all of the pipes either lead to nowhere, have no end, or have maneating plants growing out of them?
And what the hell is up with these walking mushrooms and flying turtles that stand erect...hey wait where-a the hell are you going??!

 

by MadMaestro
8-06-03
Looks like I found your-a bitch ass again huh? Anyway Riddle me this
What the hell is up with my biochemistry, i eat a mushroom to get incredibly big, i run into a turtle and get incredibly small, i eat flowers to spit fire...
and how the hell does a feather turn a human being into a flying racoon!?Wait...WAIT IM NOT DONE YET

 

by MadMaestro
8-06-03
Cant runaway from me I'm Mario, I travel through the sewer system
Anyway,What the hell happened in my gene pool that my brother looks nothing like me, I mean Luigi is a great guy, but he had to be adopted...or was it-a me
Why the hell did i ever agree to such a stupid quest anyway, i mean i was making a decent living as a plumber, what made me want to fight wierd monsters and save princesses...fine just go, i'll get u

 

by MadMaestro
8-06-03
You think you are the slick hey, well I have a dinosaur fiend who can chase you whereever you go
Has anyone else wondered who put these floating donuts in the air? and why do they fall when i step on them? I mean what use do floating donuts that fall down when u touch them really have?
And if bowser really wanted to kill me, why doesn't he just give his tropps helmets or something, I mean If i cant jump on their head i can really kill them can I...O...Okay

 

by MadMaestro
8-07-03
Dude I pissed of Jen the other day, I told her that her sister was a slut
Why the hell should I care?
I need you to help me lie to her, tell her you told me that
Hell no! Your fucked bad
She's gonna kill me if I ever see her again
I'll bring the camera

 

by MadMaestro
8-07-03
I figured i'd just call her, lieing on the phone is never as hard
Can I record it?
No
Can I listen?
If you listen your just gonna record it
What's your point?

 

by MadMaestro
8-07-03
Ok we need to make a script and get our stories straight
I thought I had already gone over this with you?! I DONT GIVE A FLYING FUCK
I hate you
Um... If I somehow get a hold of the dialog between you, um can i distribute it on kazaa
Hell No
You're rite, it'll probably need to be in an evidence locker somewhere.

 

by MadMaestro
8-07-03
Hey Jen, I just wanted to talk about what I said
I'm going to turn you into living chop-suey
Um...about that, you think you can fend off your urge to kill me long enough for me to explain
No.
You see, I was under alot of stress and A bunch of people told me that she was coming on to them real strong and...
Didn't I already mention the part about living chop-suey...by the way, ignore any strange noises in your house for the next 10-15 minutes

 

by MadMaestro
8-07-03
AAHHH! Who are you?!?
I'm Jen's father you jackass
Seriously, I only said that thing about your daughter in the heat of the moment...I didn't mean it Becky isn't a slut!
Who said anything about Becky?
Uh-oh

 

by MadMaestro
8-07-03
Dad! what are u doing here?
I was going to kill that piece of shit boyfriend for you
I don't want him dead, I just want him to suffer a little bit
You should have seen him cry like a little bitch about how completely sorry he was for insulting Becky
he cried about it...
Hey, It's not like I'm getting paid by the hour here, am I gonna get to decapitate someone or not

 

by MadMaestro
8-07-03
listen I'm sorry, I heard how you reacted when you fessed up to dad
Yea, I should have taken it back sooner, sorry, are we cool?
Yea, we are, I guess I shouldn't question you so much, i talked to Becky and she's slept with like 8 different guys every week
THATS RITE BITCH, I WEAR THE PANTS IN THIS RELATIONSHIP!!!THIS IS ALL ME!!!
DAD!!
AHHH!!

 

by MadMaestro
8-08-03
Hiyo kids its me! Mr.Tasty! If you suck on my head I make you feel real good!
But aren't you supposed to be unhealthy?
I've been smoking for six years and im in the best shape of my life!
But your orifaces are sealed shut by cancer and you are holding on to your arm. How can u still smoke?
Through this hole in my side
Actually, how can u talk, and like breath and stuff?

 

by MadMaestro
8-10-03
Who the hell are you?!
It's me Lauren, your girlfriend
I dont know any Lauren!
We've been dating for almost 2 months!
I've been in Europe for the last two months! Get the hell out of my house!
What the hell have I been doing for two months then...

 

by MadMaestro
8-10-03
Honey...
Yes, what do you want?
O god, how do I say this...
Welcome to STDville population: you, chief import: syphilus

 

by MadMaestro
8-10-03
Jackie!
What?!
Look over there!
Huh?
I banged your sister
I still don't see a... WHAT THE HELL!?!

 

by MadMaestro
8-10-03
Hey sweetie...
What is it?
Um...
PeopleWhoseBoyfriendTottaledTheirCarSayWhat!
What?!

 

by MadMaestro
8-10-03
There's this pimp right, and he has these three hoes rite, and so he goes up to the first ho like:
You owe me 20 dollars
I dont owe you no 20 dollars
So he goes up to the second ho like:
You owe me 20 dollars
I dont owe you no 20 dollars
THEN he goes up to the third ho like:
You owe me 20 dollars
I dont owe you no 20 dollars

 

by MadMaestro
8-15-03
Don't jump!
No! They keep pushing me!
Oh God! Shut up Bob!
DO A FLIP!

 

by MadMaestro
8-15-03
I hate Fox
I wonder what its showing tonite...
...
yup
Tonite on Fox: WORTHLESS SHIT!

 

by MadMaestro
8-17-03
We interupt this broadcast of: Jerry Springer's She-male love triangle orgy/beatdown for an important Public service announcement...
If you are watching this you should kill yourself you piece of organic trash, you are wasting the oxygen of descent people
They are so right
Now back to the regularly scheduled brain-rotting garbage

 

by MadMaestro
8-18-03
Who the hell are you?
Im your friend DJ
Seriously, I have no idea who the fuck you are
Man, sure is stormy outside, I'm gonna make a sandwich
Get the fuck out
OH!! Is that GameCube? Sweet, I GOT FIRST PLAYER!

 

by MadMaestro
8-19-03
We're late! how long is this gonna take?
Gimme a minute I'm almost done.
And as it emerges from the depths...
Ok, how do I look?
AHHHH! EESA GODZEELA, RUNNN!!!
Shut the fuck up

 

by MadMaestro
8-20-03
Let's get a few things straight bitch, I own you, your life and your money, and i will do as i please with all of them!
WHA....!?
Furthermore, You speak eat and breathe, only when i tell you to...
Did I mention my father is a hitman for the chinese mafia?
LOOK OVER THERE!
Huh? I dont see any...that always happens!

 

by MadMaestro
8-20-03
You know this doesnt look good or you.
I was a stray bullet i swear!
18 stray bullets to the chest and back?How many times did you reload?
Twice
Why?
Well, I only nocked him down with the first clip, then i'm pretty sure he was gone, but he kept twitchin and i had some extra bullets...and the rest is history

 

by MadMaestro
9-03-03
Dad, I'm taking German studies this year
O, God Fond memories..
I was wondering, your having been in Aushwitz and all, if you had any tips, you know to make it easier
Hmmm... I believe I have my notes left in the trunk up in the bedroom...
"The only Three facts you need to know about the German Language, Culture, and History:"
"Language: If you don't sound like dieing giraffe choking a mule, your pronunciation is off; Culture: Germany is just like the US ...6 years ago; History: Hitler was a stupid cunt

 

by MadMaestro
10-05-03
Just got back to SC today...so...
What's up fuckos?!

 

by MadMaestro
1-14-04
I'm black, I'm controversial, I'm Steve Kappelle
Fuck you, honky white trash motherfuckers, I am going to wipe you scum off the face off the earth! WHITEY CAN'T BE TRUSTED! My niggaz, get rid of the black man stereotype then gimme yo wallet, bitch
See... I'm controversial
Ya Know fucking pigs in the ass is controversial too, that doesn't mean you have to do it...wait...pigs...ass...bad thing...yea! bad thing

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