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All comics by Xena

 

The Sims On-line Nerf-a-thon. Chapter One. by Xena 1-12-03
Typical Day in Simsville: Waaaaah! I spent All Day building my House Lot and no one comes to visit! No biggie. Just tell Maxis and they will fix it for you!	Sally Sim-player takes a trip to San Diego: Maxis! I am a paying Sims TSO player. Make others come and visit my Sim-House! Hmmm. Well, we'll implement 'Object Category Lot Restrictions' and force players to move around to different Lots.	Later when Sally Sim-Player returns home: Waaaaah! They put in all those new restriction-nerfs and still no one comes to visit! I can see why. Look at the City map here. No lights. Everyone has left the game.

 

A Jeezoid Oldie but Goodie... by Xena 1-12-03
On the Day of Crucifixtion... "...Peter... *cough* Peter come here quickly. I must speak with you!" My Lord... he calls out to me! I must attend to him.	Peter fights the Guards through thick and thin to reach the side of his God... Stand aside, Roman Soldier. I will not keep my Lord waiting. I must hear what he has to say! Bah! Then you will taste my blade if you choose to proceed any further!	Finally, racked with pain, bleeding and in desperation, Peter reaches Jesus' side at the Cross... Fear not... for I am here now. I have fought through many a blade and arrow to reach you, my Lord. What is it? What do you wish to tell me?? "..... Peter. I... *gasp* I CAN SEE YOUR HOUSE FROM UP HERE!"

 

Back to the Future by Xena 1-12-03
Doctor Forrester's Laboratory... Wow! Doctor Forrester, this all looks so intense! The lights.. the colors! What are you doing with that strange machine? Euurrrreka! I believe I have done it. I built the world's first and only Time Machine! I am about to test it, by setting it back ten seconds. Ready??	**** <<< THUUuuuUUUMMM! >>> ****	Doctor Forrester's Laboratory... Wow! Doctor Forrester, this all looks so intense! The lights.. the colors! What are you doing with that strange machine? Euurrrreka! I believe I have done it. I built the world's first and only Time Machine! I am about to test it, by setting it back ten seconds. Ready??

 

A Tribute to a Singing Legend by Xena 1-12-03
I saw on the Internet today, that Maurice Gibb had died. Only 53 and he is dead, they said. Something to do with his stomach, I think. I dunno. Wasn't he part of that Falsetto Group, 'the Bee-Gees?'	Gee.. I'll be 53 some day... ... I think...

 

The Bickersons by Xena 1-13-03
One afternoon at the Bickersons... Jesus, Stella. What are you doing running in here and jumping on the bed like a wild-woman?? Woohooo!! The Doctor told me during my checkup today, that I have the breasts of a twenty-year old!!	Is that so? Well, what did the Doctor have to say about your FORTY-year old ass??	I couldn't tell you, Henry. Your name didn't come up in the conversation.

 

Xena Speaks to their Representative by Xena 1-13-03
If you attack our country...we will wage a Holy-War against you. We will send our martyrs in, blow up your buildings... ...poison your water... ignite all the oil wells...foul your air... contaminate your culture...	...defile your mates... desecrate your landmarks... burn all your literature... You do know we are about to kick your butts?	... Yeah, I know. Just thought I would throw in a little scare first, eh? See ya around. Yeah, see ya.

 

One More Jeezoid Strip by Xena 1-13-03
Xena ponders a thought... "Ask Jeeves," why did Adam and Eve have belly-buttons? * DASH IT. YOUR QUESTION IS BEYOND THE SCOPE OF MY DATABASE. PLEASE REDIRECT TO A HIGHER SOURCE. *	Xena gets transferred to a different Site... Microsoft Knowledge Base, why did Adam and Eve have belly-buttons? * THE SEARCH-ENGINE IS NOT ABLE TO PROCESS YOUR REQUEST. ARE YOU SURE THIS IS A MICROSOFT PRODUCT? *	Frustrated, Xena seeks yet another source... Lord, please!? Why did Adam and Eve have belly-buttons?? Christ, you're asking me?? I am still trying to determine how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie-Pop! Sheesh...

 

Step Into the Light by Xena 1-13-03
One snowy afternoon... ** "And now back to our Saturday Afternoon Triple-Matinee: 'Deep Throat,' 'The Devil in Miss Jones' and 'Debby Does Dallas'..." ** Sigh.....! Snowed in today and all they offer to watch on TV is this old sexist movie crap??	Xena takes matters into her own hands...or feet. ****** KICK!! ****** *** Craaaashh! *** That does it! I am done with Man's crass commercial actions to subjugate the will and intellect of the modern woman. I intend to fight this Mediacratic perversion with something pure and entertaining!	Turning to her Desktop... Ah, now this is alot more worthwhile. Wholesome On-line Comic-strip writing. Now I can enjoy interacting with real live comtemporary society one-on-one. I better set up my New Account and get started! * Google Search-Engine Results for, 'Creative Internet Fun': * STRIPCREATOR.COM

 

Grey Poopon by Xena 1-13-03
Heya, Site-Wizard? We need more Props and Character Pics to work with. Get more uploaded onto the server, or I will SHOOT this Uberly-talented Dog on a busy street corner!		Okay. So I will shoot this cheeky squirrel rat on a fake, forced-perspective shaded 3-Dimensional embankment. But that is my FINAL OFFER!!

 

Just Desserts by Xena 1-13-03
Betty tells her hairdresser the good news during her weekly appointment. Thanks for doing me up fancy today, Jane. I am heading off tomorrow to Italy... for a month's vacation! Italy?? Gag me! You will HATE it. Airplanes are old and never on time. Hotel rooms are tiny. The food there stinks. People are surly. And if you want to visit the Pope, forget it! Always too crowded!	Next month, during Betty's next appointment at the Salon... Well, well. If it isn't our World Traveler. So tell me, Betty... how was Italy, Hmmmm? Absolutely fantastic, Jane! The airlines bumped us to 1st Class. The Hotel was overbooked so we got a Royal Suite. The people were nice and the food was scrumptious! And we had a visit with the Pope!	Get...out! You actually had an audience with his Holiness?? Unbelievable! What did he have to say to you?? Well, The Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt before him and then he asked me, "Where did you get that crappy hairdo?"

 

Xena and Gabby by Xena 1-14-03
Gabby and Xena discuss their new marketing offer... Here's one that sounds interesting. 'Dear Xena and Gabrielle, please consider our revised marketing campaign for Hostess Fruit Pies.'	I dunno, Gabs. Ever since we got the show-ax, these advertising hucksters have been giving us less and less quality material.	Yeah I know, but the script mentions something about a 'sweet, creamy cherry-filling in every delicious bite.' We should be able to work that in somehow. Hmmm... well we still have a huge Lez-fan support crowd. I suppose we could tailor something visually to fit that product description.

 

Xena and Gabby by Xena 1-14-03
Xena and Gabby stop off at Madison Avenue... Okay, Mr. Promotions Agent. Gabby and I agree to market your newly revived 'Hostess Fruit Pies' series. Excellent, Xena... excellent! I knew you would come around and accept our offer. Where's your partner?	Well, as you know this is the *cheap* comic-strip creator software. We only get two characters per panel. So the excuse is that she is trying on her new costume. Ah, yes. Plus Legal would not allow us to show you off in your publically-known leather-battle attire due to commercial copyright infringements. Ah, here she is now.	"Wow, Xena. Check me out! They say I get to play the Cook. And guess who gets to be the whipped cherry cream-filled batter?" **THWACK!** "Hehehe! I am soooo going to love this new job." Sigh... I *could* have been a stay-home Mom, but noooooo... I *had* to make it big in show-biz. Where did I go wrong?

 

Today's Obligatory Jeezoid Joke by Xena 1-14-03
Usual characters, usual setting... Lord? How long is a Million Years to you? ... A second.	Lord? How much is a Million Dollars to you? ... A penny.	Some thoughtful moments later... Hmmm. Lord? Could I have a penny? Sure... in a second.

 

Xena and Gabby by Xena 1-14-03
After another hard-day on the set... Jeeze, I am beat. Being a 'creamy, cherry-filled center' each day is really hard work. What's for dinner, Gabs? The usual: 'Hot-Pockets.' I'll go heat them up.	Whaaaaa?? But we are working again! A contract with 'Hostess Cakes and Pies.' Can't we afford something with a little more substance?? Chill out, Xena. We just started that gig. It takes time, ya know? But they did give us a free case of 'Fruit Pies' when we signed. Want one of those?	Ummm... save it for dessert.

 

Xena and Gabby by Xena 1-14-03
So, Gabs? What are the reviewers on 'Strip Creator' saying in the Forums about our work so far? They say your panels are too wordy, that we're a couple of obvious lesbos, that the punch lines are too 40's Burlesque and that the real Xena would never wear a pink pull-over.		Wooooohoooo!! King-Features Syndicate, here we come! I'll grab the 'Cheese-puffs!'

 

Xena and .....? by Xena 1-14-03
Xena arrives at King-Features... I like your style, kid. Ya got spunk! But I am afraid we're gonna have to lose your side-kick. The audience wants someome with more pizzazz. But don't worry, she's from the Xena show, too. But I don't understand. Gabby's been with me right from the start. Who...?	**Gasp!** Callisto!? But I like killed you a half-dozen times already. You've been buried, drowned, stabbed... the works! Heya, Squirt! Yeah, that's why they invented DVDs, eh? Anyway, that wasn't hind's blood on the dagger, but 'Heinz Ketchup.' Had you all fooled. haha!	But, but you even *look* exactly like Gabrielle, on here. No doubt from the cheap collection of Female Sprites they've uploaded to this Web Site. Why do you think I started out as her understudy in the show? Come on, we got alot of strips to appear in. Let's get crackin'.

 

Xena and ... Callisto! by Xena 1-15-03
Xena and Calli walk down Toon Blvd. Eh? Like, wow! Are you the Fire Goddess from the 'Xena Warrior Princess' TV show? I love that show! I watch it every day, right after schoo----*	* tee-hee *	Dang it, Callisto. You just can't go around burning up our Fans. Besides, that is the exact style of cheap, exploitative humor which viewers of this strip expect. Yup. We'll be Number One again in no time. Like they say, give the people what they want!

 

Gabrielle by Xena 1-15-03
Meanwhile in another part of Toon Town...	...hello? Hellloooooo...? Xena? Where aaaare you? Like these two guys brought me into this room and haven't come back. Hey, come on, guys. This isn't funny now. Xena? Hey, if it's about that remark about you being over thirty, I take it back, okay? Hey, Xee? Hunny-buns?	Okay, look. We can go back to 'Hostess' and this time YOU can be the Dommie and I will be the creamy cherry fruit-pie filling. What do ya say, grrl-friend?

 

Xena and Callisto by Xena 1-15-03
Another Shooting-Day in Australia... OooOohh man, did someone get the number of that truck? What a party last night. Am I on the right set? This is the 'Xena' Lot. 'The Lost World' is two cave-doors down on the left.	Pardon me for mentioning this, but you do not appear to be 'Monika Schname.' Sorry, but this is the 'Xena' Lot! You want 'The BeastMaster.' It's just across the next river.	How's it shakin, hun? Ready for our next heart-pumpin, leather-skirt splitting battle-scene? Sheesh, Calli. I sometimes think I am a location traffic-cop for the 'Alliance Atlantis' Group.

 

Today's Jeezoid Gem on a Stick by Xena 1-15-03
OKay, guys. A little over to the right. More.. more...	No, no.. guys. Too much. To the left now... more.. thaaaat's it....	* Sigh... * Union Labor...

 

The Sims Off-line by Xena 1-16-03
Aaannd, that's it. All my Alt's Skills are Maxxed. I have built Lot-9 sized Mansions in all cities and bought every conceivable Expense Object for them. I am done. Through.. Fin! I beat the Sims game! Oh! Thank Heavens. It's over! Finally, we are free! Come here, Todd... you are going to get the best snarling of your life.	{{ beep }} ***** SPECIAL MESSAGE FROM M.O.M.I. ***** We have just opened up our Newest Sims City: 'King Canyons!' Hurry and be the first to set up on our latest addition to the Sims TSO City Line-up! ..... eh?	Oh my god, Amy! 'King Canyons' only has one Island Square Lot on the whole Map for $40,000. Gotta raise the Simoleons! Sigh... I'd turn Lez on you right now. But all my girl friends play TSO, too...

 

Jeezoid Stand-up Follies by Xena 1-16-03
Hi, everyone. I'm not an Actor... but I play one on TV. :::HHahahhaHhha HAHHAHAaha..!:::	Then I told her, "Umm, Cheryl, you are only supposed to EAT that big chocolate dildo!" :::HHahahhaHhha HAHHAHAaha..!:::	Sigh. Always a heckler in every crowd... "Yo! How's the weather up there??"

 

Little Johnny goes Shopping by Xena 1-16-03
Down at the Convenience Store... Welcome to Seven-Eleven. Umm, are you sure this is what you wish to purchase? Yup. I figured the 'Heavy Days' would be the best choice.	I see. Well, are these for your Mom? Oh, your sister? Oh, perhaps your grand-ma? Nope... nope.... nope...	Well, umm.. I am a bit confused. If I may ask you? What are you going to do with them? Well, I'm not sure yet. But on TV they said if I buy these, I could then go fishing, swimming and horseback riding!

 

Somebody Had to Doooooo it... by Xena 1-16-03
Emergency Operations Center 6:08 AM 9-1-1. This is Operator Seventeen. What is your Emergency? ::: "OH MY GOD! You gotta HELP me! It's my friend, Jim. We were about to go hunting, and.. his rifle dropped, and he shot himself! Oh, Lord. I think he is Dead!" :::	Alright, sir? Sir? You are obviously distraught over this, but I need you to calm down, alright? Please! The first thing we must do is make sure the victim is dead. Can you do that for me? ::: "Wha.... what? What? Alright.. sure... I'll... hold on one second...." ::: {{{{ BAM!! }}}}	::: "Alright... there! What do I do next, Operator? Hello??" :::

 

More Stand-up Follies by Xena 1-16-03
"What do you call an Amish man standing on the side of the road with his hand stuck up a horse's ass? :::::::::::::::::::::::: A mechanic!" ::: "HHHAahaah haaHHahaaha!! " :::	"The Customer asks, "Waiter? How do you prepare your chickens?" And the Waiter replies, "Nothing special, sir. We simply tell them they are about to die." ::: "HHHAahaah haaHHahaaha!! " :::	Eh? So what's your routine? Oh, sorry. I am not a stand-up comedian. I'm just here to wash the dinner-plates.

 

An Executive Decision by Xena 1-17-03
Well, hun, I did it. I pushed the Big Red Button. It's started. And Lord help me, I think it is taking on a life of its own now...		George, are you coming to bed? Or will you be staring at the Dishwashing machine all night?

 

Typical 'City of Heroes' Player by Xena 1-17-03
Geek by Day... :: "No time for the ol' In-Out, luv...I'm just here to read the meter." :: Hhahaahaaaa!! That Stanley Kubrick was a total genius!	:: "o/~ Woooonder Wooomaaan! o/~ You're a Wonder.. Woooonder Woooomaaaaan... o/~" :: Ahhh, *sniffle* they sure don't make the shows like this anymore.	Geek by Night... Now to become 'Danielle Moonstar' and Reply to the volumes of my on-line messages. ::: Welcome to 'City of Heroes' Public Chat Forum :::

 

Today's Jeezoid Mixed-up Show Titles by Xena 1-17-03
The King and Mrs. Scarecrow...	Clone Wars II: Attack of the Stars... Wow. Cloning really DOES work. Gives new meaning to the phrase, 'In Him.'	Father Blows Nest... Thanks for the lesson in Pubic Relations, Padre. Shhhh! That's *Public* ... if anyone asks. By the way, thanks for the earring. I will treasure it always.

 

Super-Dude da Man by Xena 1-19-03
Ahh, there is Super-Woman sleeping below. hehe. I can swoop down at Super-Speed, do her, and be out before she even knows it!	Super-Dude, feeling frisky... descends upon his hapless victim. Ahhhhh... hahaha!!! In and out like greased-lightning. And she'll never even guess it was me! Oooooo! Up and awaaay!	Super-Woman jumps up. Damn, Invisible-Guy, what the hell just happened?? For a moment there, I suddenly felt incredibly weighed down! You think you got problems? Right now my ass feels like it's on fire!

 

AOHell by Xena 1-20-03
** "You've Got Mail!" ** Wow. I have only been connected with AOL for two days now and someone sent me a message? This new service is totally awesome!	** "Hi AOL-USER. I am JENNIFER. Remember me? We met at A BAR last week. Well, I am in trouble and my SISTERS and I need your help! We are stranded in THE ALPS and snowed in with just our laptop." ** Oh! The poor dears! Traveling around the world and lost everything! I better use this 'PayPal Link' she included and forward some money to them right away!	Ahhh. Just got my P0rn-Site financed for another six months. **Ding!* MONEY TRANSFERRED INTO YOUR PAYPAL ACCOUNT.

 

1001 Uses for Penny-nails... by Xena 1-21-03
#213 - Build your own space.	#84 - End human suffering.	#1 - Perpetuate a Cult.

 

Saturday Matinee by Xena 1-21-03
Hey, buddy. You at the end of the line? No.... YOU are. hahahahahaaa!!

 

The Sims Online Experiment by Xena 1-22-03
A San Diego basement...	Hmmmm......	Boss? Why were all those monkies thrown into the Development Lab? Because the TSO Players are screaming for new game content. And you know what they say about a roomful of monkies and typewriters...

 

Clone-Aid by Xena 1-22-03
#&*@)*$* MUTHER F*(&$@*$@($*( Damn. My latest Clone Experiment failed. This guy is just a potty-mouth. I better clean up my mess.	On the Roof of the Lab... "SUCK MY @#&*@$*_@$*... AAiiieeeeeee!!" ***SPLAT!*** Have a nice trip. See ya in the Fall.	What the...? You are taking me in?? Yes, you were caught by the Roof-Cam. You are being charged with: Making an Obscene Clone Fall.

 

The Sims Online Disaster by Xena 1-22-03
This emergency meeting is to discuss the TSO disaster. Players are leaving in droves. Message Boards are filled with Rants. Content is still buggy. Our investors are pounding on the door! Yes, Bill?		Uh, Sir. If this keeps up, does it mean we won't get the Extra Credit for the semester?

 

Makes Sense to Me by Xena 1-23-03
		Gawd, Xena. Not another 'standing in line' strip you have been doing of late. And why use two of 'Blue?' Twins.

 

CoH Family by Xena 3-23-06
Oh, hey, sis. I just moved my Cat-girl toon over to Virtue. Met a really kewl Sugar-daddy there who gave me 1,000,000 Inf. Haha. What a dweeb! Whaaaa...??	But I just gave some hot-looking Cat-girl 1,000,000 Inf on Virtue by Atlas Park! I was trying to build up the Rep for my SG. You are now Logged off of --City of Heroes--	Oh. I...see. Umm, does this mean we'll have to go on a virtual date... or something?? Can I have my 1,000,000 Inf back, first?

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