All comics by d_Random

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by d_Random
12-07-04
11:30 am at the office
Hey john, why so glum?
I just tried to go to the restroom and the stench was unbearable.
Why don't you just hold your nose?
Cuz I gotta take a wiz and there are pecker-checkers in there. I usually use my other hand to block stray eyeballs.
Sucks for you.
It won't be the first time I'ved pissed in my office chair.

 

by d_Random
12-07-04
12:30pm at the Office
Everybody is so goddamn stupid!
Thanks for the UPDATE professor.
...
So what's really bothering you?
My underwear is chafing my nuts.
Mine too, but you don't hear me crying about it.

 

by d_Random
12-07-04
1:00pm at the Office
Are you coming to the meeting?
No.
But you HAVE to!
whatever.
What do I tell the boss if he asks why your aren't at the meeting?
Tell him I'm in the men's room shitting my brains out. He'll understand.

 

by d_Random
12-07-04
1:30pm at the Office
That cleaning lady is acting crazy again.
What's she doing?
She's singing some incohearant babble and people are ignoring her like she ain't doing nothing.
Why are you gonna do about?
I would report her to human resources, but I fucked her in the janitor's closet last night.
touché

 

by d_Random
12-07-04
2:00pm at the Office
I just took a dump and it smelled like succulent Cornish Game Hen and hot buttered corn on the cob.
You are disgusting.
No really. I don't understand it. It really smells quite good. You should check it out, stall number one.
OK, I was going in there anyway.
So what did it smell like.
You are an asshole.

 

by d_Random
12-07-04
3:30pm at the Office
Where are you going?
The boss said that I could leave early! Yea!
Oh yeah, why's that?
Because he tapped foot.
"Tapped foot"? What the hell is that?
I was in the restroom and the boss "tapped his foot", which is homo code for BJ service. Don't judge me, that nickle raise is gonna pay for my son's college.

 

by d_Random
12-07-04
10:30am at the Office
What are doing?
1...2...3...4... I'm counting all the women in the offfice I've laid.
Dream on needle-dick.
5...6...7...I'm a player, I've had just about every HO in the office!
The only thing you've banged in the last twelve years is your mom's warm plate of mashed potatoes.
You got me there.

 

by d_Random
12-07-04
11:30am at the Office
Hey...today is the first day of Hanukkah! Hooray!
So?
SO? This is Christmas for millions of jews around the world!
Why do you care? You're not jewish?
Well...I wasn't gonna tell you, but I converted last month. Mozeltof!
Grrrrreat. So you are one of those fake Sammy Davis Jr. jews now, eh? Go eat some matzo ball soup, ya one-eyed traitor.

 

by d_Random
12-08-04
11:00am at the Office
AHHHH!!!! NOOO!
WHAT!? What is it?!
Your 'thing' is hanging out of your fly!
Yeah man, advertising the goods.
Are you mental?!
Well, seeing that I don't have the best personality to attract the ladies, this is 'Plan B'.

 

by d_Random
12-08-04
11:30am at the Office
If I don't get laid pretty soon I'm gonna go gay.
You mean "Gay by default"? Cuz no one of the opposite sex will take you?
You are so mean.
Truth hurts baby.
So you wanna meet in the men's room in ten minutes? I'll go down on you.
Sounds good to me.

 

by d_Random
12-08-04
12:00pm at the Office.
What are you doing?
I'm measuring my desk. I think I'm gonna have a urinal installed in my cubical.
That sounds cool.
Yeah, don't they have public urinals in Amsterdam? I am feeling very progressive today. I'm a trendsetter.
So what are you gonna do if you have to take a dump?
That's what Mr. Hungry Wastebasket is for.

 

by d_Random
12-08-04
1:00pm at the Office
Women at this office fit into two categories: too old or too ugly.
They aren't that bad.
YES...they are. The old ones are married and let themselves go. And the younger ones look like toxic mutants. I can't even conjure up a good masturbation fantasy after work.
I didn't need to know that.
I mean, what else are they good for?
Not much, I guess.

 

by d_Random
12-08-04
1:30pm at the Office
I'm gonna come up with a new invention. Something that can make me a million dollars and get me out of this hellhole.
That sounds great! What is it?
Well, I've always dreamed of building a jackoff machine. It will provide me riches AND sexual satisfaction!
I've already made it, it's called a jockstrap and a jar of mayonnaise. I'm wearing it under my pants right now.
No shit! Let me try it.
Hold on....a second. I'm almost finished....ahhhhhhhh. OK, here ya go.

 

by d_Random
12-08-04
2:00pm at the Office
What do you think would happen if I threw my computer monitor out the window?
You would probably get fired.
What do you think would happen if I threw my computer monitor out the window and hit the boss, killing him?
You would get fired and go to jail.
What do you think would happen if I threw my computer monitor out the window, hit the boss, killing him. THEN I jump out the window, killing myself?
YOU WIN!!!!!!

 

by d_Random
12-16-04
4:00pm at the Office
hey.
Christ! Can we not pass without some obligatory grunt to acknowledge each others existence?
Fine! I'm an insecure jerk that feels uncomfortable if I don't make idle small talk! Happy!
NO! I'm a miserable prick that only finds satisfaction in humiliating others.
Feel better now that you vented?
You smell.

 

by d_Random
12-17-04
1:30pm at the Office
Yea! It's christmas goodie day!
shut up.
Everybody likes goodie day! Free food at the office!
If I wanted diarrhea I would eat at the cafeteria.
Man, you're a christmas grinch.
Fine, enjoy your yuletide E. Coli meatballs and Hepatitis B cheese ball.

 

by d_Random
12-21-04
12:00pm at the Office
Hey man, I was just in the restroom and Stan was in there.
Isn't he deaf?
Yeah, which made me think, I wonder if deaf people know anything about shitter etiquette?
You mean farting?
Yes! Does he even know what a fart is? Or do deaf people regard farts as a 'hearing person' problem.
...and how do blind people know when to stop wiping?

 

by d_Random
12-21-04
2:00 at the Office.
What are you doing for Christmas?
I was thinking of treating myself to a couple porno DVDs.
You mean you are going to masturbate on Christmas, Jesus's birthday?
Everybody does it. USA Today just published an article, Christmas is the most masturbatory holiday after Halloween.
But playing with yourself makes baby jesus cry.
He'll get over it.

 

by d_Random
12-30-04
2:00pm at the Office
Oh god! What is that smell?
You like? I haven't bathed in a week.
Why not? Is your shower broken?
Hell no! This is my new co-worker aversion tactic.
So how is it working so far?
Let just say that this is a failed experiment.

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